the one where I almost died fighting off a roach

subtitle: …and did a real life freakout dance.

Much to my dismay, I was finding some around the house.

They were the skinny, tree/bark dwelling variety that seemed to be sneaking in at night from Bertha, and onto the veranda. I just can’t help myself. I have a serious phobia.

Most of the time, the few I found, were already flipped on their back, twitching with their last breath of pointless, disgusting life.

God made all things. When I die, my first question: Why cockroaches? I mean, really?

I can count on one hand, the events in which I have had random roach encounters in our home since we’ve lived in it 4.75 years. This is actually a pretty clean record since we live in the south. Said limited encounter usually ends with one big fat freakout on my part, but once, is one time too many.

My life is a bit of a swiss family robinson situation: We live in a neighborhood, but said neighborhood is surrounded by woods, so foreign creatures are all, snakes on a plane, over the hedge up in my koolaid on a regular basis. I half expect to wake up in the mornings with coyotes rummaging through my fridge. Just yesterday, I looked in my back yard to see our neighbor’s cat fishing something out of the grass. What was it? A snake. Again.

Thank you, cat. Sigh. Alas. Digression.

{Side note: I’m so disturbed, I can’t deface my blog by putting photos of actual roaches. You should have seen me while I searched for these costumes. You’re welcome. It’s the best I can do.}

So, the next morning when I found a baby roach, that was it for me. He was all, “Holla, suckas!” from the wall while my children played with Play-Doh at the kitchen table. Jamin was out of town, and my sitter had just shown up when I found the perp just sitting there like a total jerk face freak. His little beady eyes were mocking me, daring me to come after him. I timidly pitched my flip flop at it numerous times, hoping it would fall so I could have the I’m-standing-over-and-will-now-smush-you-advantage. To no avail, it wasn’t moving. So I was forced to climb a stool (from a safe distance, risking some major fly in my face drama) and throw various items.

I don’t do roaches. I mean, does anyone? There wasn’t a better alternative. Once he was dead, I was officially worried. I called Jamin {who, for the record, wasn’t currently taking me seriously} on the phone and asked him to do something about our newfound problem. AKA call the bug guy. This just wasn’t tolerable. Of all the things to have in your house, I’m pretty sure roaches are among the worst. Because where there’s one, there’s a filthy brood of like, fifty more, just waiting to explode into my life, and mock me with their fat disease carrying bodies.


Later that night, the sitter was gone, my work was finito, the children were bathed, fed, and sleeping with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, when I went to the kitchen for some water. Lost in thought, I filled my glass from the faucet when I heard a soft rattling immediately to my right.

And then I froze.

There sat a small package of foil wrapped, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies that I the kids hadn’t finished that night. Upon closer inspection, someone was enjoying a midnight snack. And it wasn’t me.

Let’s just pause for a second, shall we? Roaches. They really are my breaking point. I’ve decided I probably seem to hover on the side of irrationality when it comes to my extreme dislike. This particular roach, was roughly the size of a chipmunk. It was quite possibly the largest one I’d ever seen. Bonus round: it was fully accessorized to the hilt with hairs as long as my pointy finger coming off of its nasty rumpus. I knew it was only a matter of minutes before the greedy fat loser stood up, wiped its mouth, and whistled for his freeloading friends to join him in a choco-fest.

I stood for a moment, frozen. Why is there a roach this big in my house? Why is Jamin not at home to deal with this? Did I leave a key under the mat for him to let himself in? Why is this happening to me? My chest tightened, my breath quickened, and I gripped the cup of water tightly in my hand. I needed a plan. In real life, I would exit the room screaming like a murderous wolverine banshee for Jamin to come and kill it. But this wasn’t real life. This was Jamin-is-gone-and-now-I’m-screwed life. Faced with the flight or fight option, I found myself panicked. Most of you reading this, who are already cringing, know how disgusting these things are. Particularly the giant ones. But if I didn’t do it, this thing was likely to climb in my children’s ears while they slept.

If it could fit…

It was only a matter of moments before I knew what had to be done. I took a deep breath, gripped said plastic cup, and began pounding the heap of chocolate chip foil with hairy roach legs as if my life depended on it. Somehow, by the grace of God, the intruder stayed encased in its foil tomb. And somehow, by the grace of God, my children weren’t awakened in a state of sheer terror that mommy was bludgeoning someone to death in the kitchen. I’m pretty sure things went black for a moment, and when I came to, I was calling Jamin on my phone, screaming hysterically that it was time to renew the bug guy. After that conversation that I apologized for later was over I grabbed a pair of tongs, lifted the entire chocolate chip roach patty off of the counter, and into a plastic bag. I then promptly {after I talked myself into leaving the house and that roaches would not jump upon my head} carried it outside and chunked it into the garbage can {just in case it decided to pull a Roachy McLazarus.}

So there you have it. The time I nearly had a nervous break down over a roach. I may or may not have scoured our home the very next moment day, particularly the countertops with clorox wipes galore. It’s enough to send an OCD gal over the edge. Oh, and I may or may not have followed the bug guy around our home, asking him repeatedly if we had an infestation, and if he was sure. I’m pretty positive when Steve the bug guy left, he thought I was hitting on him.

I sure hope this brightened someone’s day. And I’m starting to think the invention of roaches, is all because God has one wild sense of humor…Ever had a terrifying pest encounter? Or had to tackle one of your greatest irrational fears? Please spill. I need to laugh feel normal.

Here’s to being brave, and going for it!

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Responses to the one where I almost died fighting off a roach

  1. Suzy says:

    Good job with that roach!! Why do these things always seem to happen when the hubs is out of town? I once had a mouse jump out of a box I had brought in from the garage. I almost died and now I have given my daughters a serious phobia of all things creepy crawly. Oh, and then there was the time there was a snake in front of my house….ugh!!!

  2. Michelle says:

    Yuck. Sorry you had to deal with that. Very well told, though! Just in case it ever come up again- my husband has invented a little dance to celebrate his superiority over these kinds of vermin. THE OPPOSABLE THUMB DANCE. Curl hands into fists, give thumbs up on both hands, rotate thumbs & torso in circular motion (Picture hula hoop) over dead prey. Congratulations- you are doing the opposable thumbs dance. You are better than your prey because of those thumbs! Everybody celebrate!

    Michelle 😉

  3. Oh my gosh, it took me three or four tries to even finish reading your post. I am absurdly terrified of roaches and have definitely woken my sleeping husband to kill one before. Like you, they send me into a tailspin of cleaning my already obsessively clean home. If I left food and whatnot sit out, I’d understand the roaches. But I don’t. So seriously, why my house???

    I’m super impressed with your roach mashing skills. Nice work! 😉

  4. Jenn says:

    You have me cracking up!!! When i was a little gilr, we had been out of town an upon our return home, I stumbled in the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I began sipping water from my bathroom cup, I opened my eyes to find a dead roach, floating. And I SCREAMED!!!!! Since that day, I have DESPISED roaches. Hate them. Firmly believe they are a result of the curse.

  5. Laura says:

    HATE roaches!! I had a TEXAS roach crawl up inside my jeans pant leg once. You just don’t ever fully recover from that. Good for you for smashing the big boy to smithereens!!!

  6. Cheryl says:

    This was hysterical and also horrifying because there’s pretty much nothing grosser than roaches. I admire your bravery. Yaaaaay you! :)

  7. Sarah says:

    You are hilarious and quite a good writer as well. I’m enjoying your blog!

  8. Elz says:

    YUCK! You poor thing. Here in Kentucky we sometimes get these flying roaches, about the width of a quarter. When they land on the ground they click as they walk. *shiver* I squished one into the floor with a piece of 2×4 in a rage like you did a few years ago. I had JUST left the bathroom with my towel on, so I was *ahem* unprotected by clothes. I flipped out and grabbed a 2×4 from the lumber pile in the new addition. The cat was totally just staring at me the whole time being NO help what so ever.

  9. Emily says:

    My favorite method of dealing with roaches… since squishing them totally grosses me out… is to buy roach spray that can go up to 10 feet, and then I stand back, spray them, and watch them die. I also use this spray for spiders that are too large to squish. The only set back is sometimes spraying them makes htem run for a minute…. ewwww… but I’d rather have them run and know they’re gonna die, than have to hear that squish. I feel your pain, one roach = one too many.

  10. Christina says:

    Oh dear. I SO sympathize with this post today. I live in the woods and when you live in the woods, you see some sca-ry stuff. The scariest so far- not bears, not raccoons, not creepy possum. CAVE CRICKETS. Go on and google if you want a good scare. I won’t post a pic of them, because they are UGLY. Think, giant spider looking thing with a bigger body with long legs to jump around. After the rain, they seek out basements. They like dampness. IF you don’t realize you have them in your basement, they can travel northward to say…your bathroom shower… and… JUMP.ON.YOU. Personally, I have not had one jump on me, however, my mom has at her house. I have sucked them up in a vacuum on a couple of occasions but we have an exterminator come every 3 months specifically to prevent these atrocities of nature. FYI: vacuum=best bug fighting weapon in my opinion. However, I once saw it moving through the clear plastic of that cyclone part thingy of the vacuum and I may or may not have sucked up some leftover unpopped popcorn kernels from the trash to stun it untiI I could get him outside. Yes I just admitted that. Feel better? 😉

    • Kim says:

      OMG….We have these at our house to. I am so glad to finally know what that are called. We call them “Sprikets” because they look like a cross between a spider and a cricket. By the way, these things freak me out. They just won’t stay still long enough for me to stop screaming and jumping around to actually kill the darn things. Thanks for info so I can tell my bug guy the proper name and he won’t think I am making up imanianary bugs for him to kill.

  11. Tracey says:

    I hate all things bug and vermin related, but I have had 2 mouse encounters that have left me forever scarred. In high school I thought I was cool staying up late watching tv and sleeping in our finished basement… until I woke up one morning and felt something on me. Crawling on me. I thought it might be a cricket, but no, A MOUSE WAS CRAWLING ON ME.
    About a month ago I was watching tv and saw something scurry out of the corner of my eye- a mouse in our living room. I spent the next hour standing on one of our barstools praying my husband would get downstairs and rescue me. Obviously I’m quite familiar with irrational LOL

  12. Oh my gosh, we have those nasty disgusting creatures here too. Let me tell you a story.. Palmetto bugs… Water Bugs… whatever gianormous playing roaches…well in my husband and I first apartment…which wasn’t the nicest place in the world… but we had a evil huge “water bug” problem. Well… I had one FALL down my shirt.. yes.. DOWN my shirt… I was alone I screamed bloody murder. Had to call my husband at work..for weeks I tell you I felt its hairs oh.. lord. Then another time… (my husband is deathly scared of these “water bugs”) Well… sleeping… fell from the ceiling.. onto my husband… same night… happened to me. We were happy when we moved from there… lol Flip Flops are the best weapons for squishing them… or water machine bottles which is a whole different story about South Florida and my brother in law.. lol

  13. Agustina says:

    OMG – I’m in hysterics. This is hilarious….in a very “I am so in your shoes” kind of way. I love our trees, but I don’t love the tree roaches that live in them and magically find their way into our home. Like when i am very casually throwing something away and there is a monster sitting on the edge of the trash can. I FLIP out. FLIP FLIP out. much like you. I scream like a little girl and my husband gets mad….but I cannot help it. I just cant. It’s not in my nature to be like – oh its just a roach. I fear the in my ear thing as well. and I fear waking up in the middle of the night because something tickles…only to find one of those nasty disgusting good for nothing giant brown hairy creatures staring at me in the face. eeek! I am seriously fearing the day when my husband goes on a work trip…it is my fear….that I will be attacked.

  14. Amy Bayliss says:

    Oh, girl. I so feel your pain. From one germophobe OCD girl to another in between visits from Steve the-bug-guy there are a couple of natural things you can do too to keep them away. Google “roach balls” to get a natural but roach deadly concoction and also bay laurel is a natural herb that they hate. I buy the essential oil and spray it in a mixture of water/vinegar in places where I know they hide. We used to have a visitor at least once a week since we too live near woods and have many trees on our property. Now we only see one maybe once every couple of months and that usually means I failed to put out said natural remedies.

    Now, you want stories? The first roach I saw after we moved in sent me over the edge. I was totally unprepared for him. We were in the bathroom. They like the bathroom. He stood between me and the door so there was no getting away. The only thing that I had immediate access to was some hairspray. Yes, ma’am. I’m a warped woman. I sprayed that sucker with a bunch of it and then to make sure it worked I turned on the blow dryer and pointed it in his direction. He stayed there in that spot, in that position until my husband got home from work. What? I wasn’t about to touch him. :)

    Then there was the time my MIL found some great trash-to-treasure outside of my neighbors house. It was some pretty old bottles that we were going to use for a collage. We left the box in a corner of the kitchen until we could get to it. Later that day is when my near death experience with a spider occurred. I already have a bad phobia of spiders but this not-your-typical spider nearly gave me heart failure. You see, my neighbors are from el’ Mexico and this package was brought here across the border. It contained a very, very large Mexican wolf spider. I have never seen one that big before. It crawled out of that box and across my kitchen floor and I almost lost my mind. I went hoarse from screaming. The dog wouldn’t even fool with that ginormous thing. We were all scared. My husband finally got a large vase to put over it until we could figure out what to do with it. He waited until it climbed to the top of the vase then he flipped it over and sprayed him with Raid (after the roach incident I invested in the stuff). It took several sprays to get this guy. Never again have we picked trash without thoroughly inspecting it. *sigh*

    Now my stomach is turning again. lol Thanks for sharing your adventure with us. :)

  15. I can’t even respond to each one of your posts individually because that would take me a week, I love them all so much. My stomach hurts from laughing so HARD at ALL of them! SO GLAD to know I’m not the only one! I think this is the real reason I have a blog. psychotherapy. HILARIOUS!

  16. Norma says:

    ugh! I hate the giant ones. And I hate having to squish them so gross. I really can’t resign myself to “it’s part of life in the south.” eeew.

  17. jana says:

    Um, yeah. I am with you on this one…major roach-o-phobia. right here.

    I once moved into an apartment that was ALREADY infested…and it was in a nice area…I moved all my stuff out in plastic bags…DEMANDED my deposit back in a not nice fashion and then proceeded to keep the moving truck an extra day so I could open up everything I packed and BOMB IT INSIDE THE TRUCK!! So I can distinctly visualize your roach dance…I do that very same move.

    Glad you got it all taken care of 😉

  18. Brittany says:

    I feel for you girl… I had an encaounter just last night that I am trying to recover from. I smashed it as it was trying to pry itself inside of my front door. As I smashed it, nasty little roach eggs came pouring out of it!! I went outside this morning and it is still wiggling. It won’t give up on its disgusting life. Now what to do with a mostly dead roach and all of its unhatched babes in my front lawn? Gross.

  19. Lisa Eng says:

    Eeeeeek! Yup, hate those little buggers. When we first moved to the Southwest, we found 2 roaches in our tiny 1-bedroom apartment. My husband and I have never seen one before (we’re from the north country). He actually freaked out as much as I did, so I knew it was bad. Let’s just say we were both standing on chairs and climbing on things to avoid the nasty creatures on the floor. We then proceeded to put on our ‘hazmat suits’, which consisted of oven mitt, duct tape and winter clothes. Ya, little to no sleep that night and then the bug guy was called immediately the next morning. We never have seen one since then and I pray we don’t :)

  20. Andrea Hoffman says:

    I was having a terrible day and reading your blog brightened my mood like you wouldn’t believe! This was horrifyingly funny. I can relate, and I feel your pain. Thanks for the pick me up!

  21. laura says:

    you poor thing!!! i do also hate roaches…can I tell you my {very long} story? I was on a missions trip to the Dominican Republic. Where there are BUGS…LOTS of BUGS. and I woke up one morning and meandered into the potty room, when lo and behold there was a cockroach CHARGING ME. I screamed, my roommate came in and “killed” it, and another roommate threw him in the can next to the toilet. When I was sitting on the toilet {sorry, but there was just no way to avoid telling you that I was pottying} I heard a rustling in the can and there was the “dead” cockroach, climbing out of the trash to enact his revenge. I think I jumped so high, I visited Jesus. My roommate came back in, smashed him some more and we had to flush the toilet THREE TIMES before he finally went down. This could be because of poor plumbing in the Dominican, but I’m inclined to say that the cockroach wasn’t going down without a fight.

  22. SuziQ says:

    What part of the south do you live? When my husband announced his great new job and relocation….I told him I didn’t want to move to the beach. Why? Because of the water bugs. Needless to say – working, paycheck earning hubby wins over SAH mom who plays tennis and raises 3 kids (right?) At first I would catch them because I could already hear the crunch that was associated with killing them. So, instead of a quick wack and getting it over, I swear I’d spend an hour trying to trap it under tupperwear. Crazy, right (my kids thought so?) I agree, if I know one is there, I can’t ignore it – it will come an hunt me down. Yes, I ALWAYS find them when hubby isn’t here. What’s weird is I moved here from 4 hours west of here in the same state (NC) and I never saw one there. But reading all of these posts makes me think they are freakin’ everywhere! Needless to say – a extreme drought and a bug guys that thinks…I mean knows I’m neurotic w/ bugs has mad my life much easier. I have actually made him spray the perimeter of my bed. Yup….OCD/neurotic. Can’t live in the south w/o a bug guy! BTW…..are there any bug-gals …..or are they all guys? Hmmmmmm…….

    • bwah! I was just thinking that last night, that I’ve never had a bug gal. I would expect her to be pretty hardcore and able to hold her own-you can’t have too many women knocking on strange houses, can you? hazardous job with bugs AND humans. EEEK.

  23. Shelley says:

    I feel like there are things crawling all over me now!!! This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time because I can SO relate to this stuff!

    This is the first story that comes to mind – I was in AZ visiting for a friend’s wedding and was staying in this amazing resort/hotel. Right outside my room’s front door were beautiful catus, gorgeous mountains, amazing flowers, and one gigantic, hairy, evil tarantula. OMG, I can barely even type, shudder…. I had just shut the room’s door getting ready to leave when I saw him. He was blocking my exit. I was trapped. After screaming and jumping around (and actually crying) he finally retreated and I BOOKED it outta there. After a couple of hours I had to go back to my room. House cleaning was there… with the room door WIDE OPEN!!! “Why don’t you come on in Mr. Evil Tarantula and make yourself at home?! Sure you can hang out in the bed. Bathroom? It’s right in there, and you might find it enjoyable to hide underneath the toilet seat so you can get her when she sits down.” I had them search out the room in case he had come in. I didn’t sleep that night nor could I bring myself to use the bathroom. Ughhhh…. still freaks me out!!!

  24. Sarah says:

    Thanks for your story. It made me laugh. :)

    I greatly dislike any kind of thing that crawls or creeps. Or has wings really… But the thing that gets me the most is ticks. I hate them.

    I live in a rural town outside of Nashville, and we have tons of them. Just last week I had been picking blackberries and decided to grab lunch at a little meat and 3 place (it was my “country girl” day…) and just as I took my chair, this crusty old guy with a wad of chewin’ tobacco came over, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Missy, have you been in any weeds by chance?”

    My first thought was… “Creepy.” But I told him that I had been. Then he asked if he could “pick some ticks” off my back. I flipped out! Oddly enough it had nothing to do with Friendly Farmer Brown touching me.

    By the end of the day I found 13 ticks on me. Oh. My. Gosh. Thankfully most of them hadn’t really latched on yet.


  25. Alexandra says:

    Roaches are the most disgusting creatures on the face of the earth. There may be other things that are uglier, but they don’t try to live in people’s houses, do they?
    The house I grew up in had a serious roach problem, and for some reason, those roaches loved me the most. I had one fall from a closet and land on my chest, another one land on my head in the middle of the night, another on my pillow, and many, many, many crawling in my room. AWFUL!!! I’d get my dad up at 2 in the morning to come and kill them, I was so freaked out. (These were the 2 inch long type of roaches).
    After getting married and moving to a different town, I discovered something even worse. FLYING ROACHES! They are truly the creatures from hell. One time I walked into a room and there were about twenty of them flying around everywhere. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
    I’ll probably have nightmares now.

  26. oh my oh my…besides this being funny as heck – I can totally sympathize! Roaches, spiders and snakes – oh my! YUK TO ALL!!! I once had a HUGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE spider in our garage that totally freaked me out – I jumped up on the chair and shrieked like a 60’s housewife. My Mom who was visiting ran out into the garage and had to kill it for me, with the end of the broom handle – neither one of us wanted to go anywhere near it!

    Called the exterminator the next day and pestered the guy to death about black widow spiders when he came to spray…apparently black widows are rare in that area…lol

  27. Jen says:

    I would have done the same thing, roaches are just gross. I live just outside Washington DC, and though we live in a populous area, we do have a lot of “nature” nearby. A few days ago I walked out my front door to spray on sunscreen before my walk and as I bent to spray my legs, I realized there was a big black snake between the hose cart and the wall, inches away from me. I’m not talking a garter snake, I’m talking about 2 feet long and as big around as a bratwurst. I think I jumped over the two steps and onto the front walk and ran to the driveway faster than I’ve ever moved in my life. Then I went back in the house through the garage. I think the vibration of the house when the garage door went up must have scared it off, because it was gone by the time my husband got out of the bathroom. Now, I look around the corner of that wall every time I walk out the door, before I go to far.

  28. TB says:

    Laughing hysterically! This is so funny… Remind me one day to tell you my snake story, where my husband was hiding behind me as I had a shovel in my hand because I could not live in our house (even though the snake was outside) until the snake was dead.

  29. ALL your stories are absolutely hilarious. I mean, my kids were asking me what was wrong, earlier, because I couldn’t stop laughing at each and every one of these! I’m DYING. This is like watching a train wreck, though. I’m all, look away! read some more! laugh! are things crawling on me!? HIBBIE. JIBBIES.

    • Leslie says:

      I haven’t laughed this hard in I don’t know how long. TEARS are streaming down my face. My stomach hurts. My cheeks hurt from smiling so big while I’m laughing. Hilarious. Oh.My.Goodness.

      My brother was always the kid who was most afraid of the R-bugs, and I’m pretty sure he still is. Screaming-like-a-little girl and hopping up-on-the-furniture kind of scared. (Hilarious, sadly!)

      Thank you for sharing so much of your life. It’s always good to read the stories behind the “perfect pictures” and I truly appreciate your talent for stellar writing.

  30. paige says:

    oh my word. i live in iowa, and so luckily roaches are not a common thing (although not entirely unheard of), but we have had our share of rodent-sized spiders. there was this one that my husband was even afraid to squash with his shoe because he was certain it wouldn’t kill the thing, it would only make it mad.

    then there was the night a couple months ago where we woke up to a bat flying SIX INCHES from my head. todd killed it, but the whole time he was chasing it around with a tennis raquet he just kept going, ‘oh my word. i feel sick. i want to cry. i feel sick. i want to cry.’ not his most manly moment, i suppose, but at least he was here to do the dirty work. nice work pulling up your panties and doing it yourself! (i totally would have just called the police and dragged my kids to the neighbors’ house to stay until todd got home.)

    (there is a very primitive microsoft paint rendition of our traumatic bat night here:

  31. Christy says:

    Just had an incident Sunday night. My sister was visiting & we were up late chatting in the LR (hubby & kiddo in bed), when I look up & saw a CR on the wall, of the vaulted ceiling. Ugh! Out of reach. I ran & got the spray, stood on tippy toes & sprayed w/a vengance. The grabbed a flip flop from my foot & threw it at him, not once but twice to no avail. Meanwhile my sis is totally laughing at me. :) We played cat & mouse for a while, sis still totally making fun of me. I told her I think I sealed his fate with the spray & sure enough the next day I found him, upside down & dead. Weird enough I totally took a picture & texted it to her w/the words “VICTORY!”. :) I live in the SW, I don’t mind spiders, javelinas, coyotes, snakes, scorpions, rolly pollies, crickets, etc. Roaches I can’t do! Ewwww! Disease carrying creepy things.

  32. Liz says:

    my arch nemesis is earwigs. you know, the little beetles with pinchers on their butts. when i was little my two older brothers convinced me that earwigs climb in through your ears and pinch your brain..disgusting. i now realize that this fear is irrational, but alas, it’s too late for me. i just can’t get over that creeped-out feeling when i see or hear mention of them. disgusting. you are NOT alone. :)

    • Lauren says:

      OH MY GOSH!! EARWIGS!! My older brother told me a similar story growing up–that in “the old cowboy days” when they used to sleep on the ground, earwigs would crawl in their ears…and if they were female, they would BUILD A NEST WITH LITTLE EARWIG EGG BABIES in cowboys’ ears!!

      I’m 25 3/4 and I’m still scared to google the “truth” to this story!! :( :(

      • Michelle says:

        The other day, at work, I left my almost-finished can of diet Coke on my desk while I ran to the bathroom. I got distracted by something else for a while on the way back. When I got back to my desk, I picked up the can and finished it off, but something bumped against my lip. I put the can back down, and an earwig crawled out…. AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

  33. Alisa says:

    I live in the south. In the country. I can’t even tell you the bugs we have encountered here. I grew up in the city so I most definitely have not adjusted well…or at all I told my husband I’m more scared living here because of the bugs than I was at my first apartment by myself where some guy was holding people up in the parking lot. I can’t believe I’m about to admit this: I have lots of freckles on my arms, some darker than others. It has happened more than a million times where a piece of my hair falls out of the pony tail and lightly touches my arm and I start hitting the crap out of my arm thinking one of my freckles is a bug of some sort. Then I cry because I hate bugs so much they make me crazy.

  34. Lauren says:

    First off, greetings from Auburn!! I have been reading your blog for almost 2 years, and this is my first comment (sorry to be a lurker!) I have figured out that AU is your alma mater from your posts, and I just wanted to say a great big WAR EAGLE!!! And also to tell you that you and your family are precious, and I wish that Aiden were in my kindergarten class (I’m a teacher :) ). I know you’re a little scared about that, but don’t be, he (and you) will love it!! Thank you for making me think or making me laugh almost daily. You are fabulous!!

    ANYWAY, on subject: I have had numerous roach encounters living in the south (I, too, have used the hairspray trick in dire situations and just sprayed the CRAP out of it until a.) it died from the chemicals or b.) it was so sticky it couldn’t move!!)

    However, the story that just CREEPS me out happened to a friend of mine fairly recently. She had a glorious wedding, and her husband surprised her with a honeymoon to FIJI! I know, right?! He had reserved them one of those private thatch hut bungalows over the water that have a pier entrance (does that make sense?) SO…they get there their first night…and are having a little snuggle in their cozy bed if you know what I mean…and one of those HUGE, JUMPING/FLYING foreign-country-Fiji COCKROACHES FELL FROM THE THATCH ROOF AND ONTO HER CHEST!!! She LOST it, her new (like 1 day) husband started throwing sheets and pillows trying to catch the thing, and it started CLICKING AND HISSING!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say, she couldn’t have ANYTHING touching her (even him!!) without getting the heebie jeebies!!

    Oh, it gets worse (you can’t make stuff like this up, I’m tellin’ you). They go to the concierge or whomever (whoever?) and demand another room. He puts them in another thatch hut bungalow and assures them it is “Roach Free”….so they stayed in it another night, no problem, no roaches. Then another night. On the second to last night (time has worn down her horrific nightmare a few nights before)…same scenario…they’re TRYING to enjoy their honeymoon…when…from the roof…YEP!! ANOTHER ONE…this time ONTO HER GROOM’S HEAD AND INTO HIS HAIR!!!!!!!

    After a major screaming/flailing/crying fiasco (probably on both of their parts this time), they ended up staying in a straight up hotel on their last night there. :( Oh good gracious, I have had nightmares just hearing their story!! Bless their hearts. He felt SO bad for picking this particular surprise honeymoon. They’re still married though. :) AHHHHHHH!!!!

  35. Lauren says:

    Her husband did mention that he was convinced it was a “Giant Fijian Longhorned Beetle”…native to the island…that clicks and hisses…and is WAY larger than your normal hissing cockroach (ugh, it looks infinitely WORSE). She still calls it a hissing cockroach, but dude, the fijian beetle….the thing of nightmares….

    I wikipedia-ed it, Ashley, this is a sight to see… click if you dare!!! (you know you have to see this)



      hey lauren! thanks for de-lurking yourself! 😉 and thanks for sticking with us all this time! ha! 😉 I must say, your fiji story is quite terrifying. I would have DIED. but its especially bumming me out, since I’ve always wanted to go stay in one of those little grass huts. BUM-MER. If one of those things had landed on my chest I would have DIED right there. JUST DIED, I tell you.

      • Lauren says:

        Aww snap. It’s so cool to me that you wrote me back!! Thank you! and I hear ya, sister. I recently got engaged (about a month ago, woot!!) and my fiance has since “proposed” that we go to Fiji on our honeymoon. OH HECK NO.

        I mean, I’m sure it’s fine, and this was like a freak thing that happened to them. I don’t mean to crush your dreams. Maybe just don’t go in October (like they did)? :)

        These beetles are mostly native to Fiji from what I understand so any other bungalow (Tahiti, etc) would most likely NOT have them. Did you look at the wiki picture? I literally said “BUHHHSFLdj” out loud when I saw it. IT. IS. AS. LONG. AS. A HUMAN. HAND!! (but only the 2nd largest beetle in the world?! seriously?!)

        I loved your blog post and laughed out loud when I read it. I will keep reading (and maybe commenting!) faithfully (you’re so on my google reader). xoxoxo!! blessings!!

  36. Cherie says:

    Dude, NORMAL. The peeps that don’t freak out are the weirdos. =p I live on the MS Gulf Coast so I’m giving you my virtual fistbump, sista.

  37. Jody says:

    I cannot even imagine! I grew up in Alaska where the bugs and spiders are tiny and harmless. No snakes. No roaches. I’ve lived in Washington for ten years now and still freak out over the size of the bugs and snakes down here – although they are nothing compared to the bugs in the south, so I am told. I currently have an ongoing battle with the creepy black widow spider living under a piece of siding near my front porch. My last attack involved sliding our fly swatter up under the siding and whipping around viciously, so as to amputate a few of her legs or, if I could be so lucky, sever her body in half. I haven’t seen her for about two weeks now. Either I finally won the battle or she is simply hiding while she plans her sneak attack.

  38. Lindsay says:

    I’m a fairly new reader to your blog but love it to pieces, thanks to you I have an awesome alphabet print-out banner in my nursery! Anyways, I had to comment on this post because I know exactly, exactly what you mean. I grew up in Ohio where we never had roaches. Now living in Florida they are enough to make me want to move back North! Not even kidding! One day last week I was going to mop our floor and I moved the trashcan and one ran out from underneath and along the side of the cupboards and disappeared under the stove. I am one that would seriously rather kill a roach with my bare foot and boil my foot later than know that it is still running around my house! So once I stopped screaming I pulled the stove out from the wall armed with the biggest shoe I could find. Nothing. So I tried praying it out, seriously, I asked the Lord to bring the roach out so I could kill it. Nothing. Then I called my father in law in tears who lives around the corner to bring his roach spray and spray every baseboard in our house. I never did see the nasty thing, but if I had I would have shown no mercy, then I would have walked around the spot where I killed it for a week at the risk of getting left over roach guts on my foot! haha!

  39. That was hilarious and disgusting, and I have had a similar encounter with smaller west coast vermins. I think the roaches out here are on starvation diet much like most of Southern California, they tend to be smaller but I know they carry the same disease. Here’s a trick, I read this in one o’ those green books on pest control. Take a few cloves of garlic, a whole chopped onion and about 1/2 cup of hot sauce. Mix it with 3 or 4 cups of water, bring to a boil on your stovetop and cook said vermin brew for 12-12 minutes. Try not to cough when it intensifies. Let it cool, strain it, then put it in a water bottle. Spray the entire perimiter OUTSIDE of the room where you found those perps. They hate the stuff, and hopefully won’t be back. I do it every year and it keeps them away, but again, they could be just wimpy Cali roaches.

    Good luck, and may the force of roach killin be with you.

  40. Sorry, 12 – 14 minutes, and when I said outside the room I meant OUTSIDE the house around the foundation of the room where you found them.

  41. Michelle says:

    I hate cockroaches, but do you know what I hate even more, that I have in my house?? Google it: house centipedes. They’re huge, have oodles of legs, and move FAST!! I swear, they’re evil aliens from another planet!! I am PARALYZED in screaming fear when I see one. I can barely type this, I’m so skeeved just thinking about it…

  42. Becca says:

    I turn into a shrieking, jumpy, killing machine when I see roaches. They like to hang out in our kitchen at night- I think they sneak under the back door or something, but they are disgusting!!
    If said roach doesn’t scurry away under the stove (Making me never want to cook again without cleaning my oven on the off chance that it decides to crawl around in there) I call my hubby, or …worst case senario- if he’s not home I grab the biggest flip flop I can find (hubby’s) and sneak up on that little (or HUGE) sucker and pound the living daylights out of him while screaming, “die! die!” .

    I agree- they are definitely from the devil. 😀

  43. Shanon says:

    My husband had just deployed and I was mowing & weedeating our HUGE lawn for the first time alone. I’m cruising along with the weedeater and it hits a snake! The snake goes flying into the air and I went running. Not cool! Also while he was deployed, I had 3 blue tailed skinks (lizards) invade my house at different times, I was not happy about it at all! BTW your pics of the roaches are cracking me up!! Why are there even costumes like this?!?!

  44. Jennifer says:

    when we lived in NM cockroaches were a constant! one night when I was in high school, I was up VERY late with a friend…and around 2 or 3 am I noticed a cockroach…didn’t want to smash it so I found a cup and trapped it so dad could get it in the morning. 😉 And then I noticed another…and another…girl, I ended up with like 12 or 13 cups on the floor!!!! Needless to say, my dad was sure surprised when he woke up in the morning, and I NEVER slept on the floor when I had friends over again!!
    Great thing about Maine? NO cockroaches!!!!!

  45. I almost blogged of my cockroach story a while back: One evening while sitting at a red light a HUGE Wood-Roach appeared on my windshield but when I turned on the wipers to get it off, it was (to my horror) on the inside of my car!!!… The wipers “Spooked it” causing it to spazz and torpedo right into my side-sweep bangs! I FREAKED!-pulled over at the Auto Zone, threw my car in park, got out as fast as humanly possible, did my own version of the SPAZOID dance, and called my Sister-In-Law to come help me. I REFUSED to get back in my car until that EVIL-thing was OUT! She came to my rescue with WINDEX and a flashlight in tow. We searched forever but couldn’t find him, once I was convinced it was no longer in my vehicle or my purse, I was fine to leave. After I was in my car and ready to pull off, My S-I-L started flashing her lights and giving me the signal to stop. She called me to say that Despicable Creature was crawling on the roof of my car.

    UuuuuuuGGGHHHH!!! I HATE THEM, I’m with you on asking God why would he create such vile disgusting creatures.

    In South Alabama they are AWFUL- they seriously just let themselves in our front doors. I never blogged about my cockroach experience because of the stereotypes associated with having a roach all up in your Kool-Aid. HEY, those evil things DO NOT discriminate and everyone around here has ’em from time to time. Thank you for breaking the mold and speaking openly about this sensitive topic… You’re truly an inspiration, Ashley. I MAY finally go and blog my own roach story now. Thank you.

  46. bfish says:

    Love these stories — hysterical! Spiders and snakes and other critters I can deal with, but roaches are totally loathsome and bring out my killer side. I never encountered them till going to college in SE VA. The first time was memorable — coming in to the dorm room unusually late one night/morning, I went to brush my teeth and there was one on the bristles of my toothbrush. That town was like the epicenter of roachdom; I even learned the difference between German roaches (smaller, more plentiful, smarter, and much more evasive) and American roaches, euphimistically known as water bugs. palmetto bugs, wood beetles, etc., which are huge. slow, and often stupid enough to run toward you rather than away. Before summer school they needed several weeks to exterminate them from the dorms. I worked in a (very upscale) restaurant there and the place was completely sprayed down by exterminators once a week, though that just knocked the German ones back enough to keep them from taking over.

    My weapon of choice was to leave a Converse Chuck handy at all times where I could grab it quick and swat the beasts. Even though the American ones make a far more sickening crunch due to their size, their virtue is that they were easier to kill.

  47. Marissa says:

    I can deal with the occasional one crawling on the wall or counter or such. I smash them to unrecognizable pieces and then flush them down the toilet (ain’t no way those suckers are coming back). But the worst 2 experiences happened in a rental house when my oldest (now 7) was a baby. The first happened when he was nursing in the middle of the night. I was half asleep and felt a tickle on my neck. Thinking that it was just my hair I reached up to brush it away. Much to my surprise a huge roach went flying onto my lap. I jumped up screaming, running out of the room, baby still nursing and all! Needless to say, to this day, I still get freaked out any time I feel a tickle on my neck, even if it’s just my hair! The second time happened when he was crawling. I went in the other room came back and he was sitting by the window with a dead roach in his mouth. Ack!!!! Let me tell you, I cleaned, scrubbed, and rinsed that boy’s mouth like you would not believe. Funny thing is that he likes to tell that story to his friends now and they all think it’s hilarious!

    • your comment just disturbed me so bad, I had to respond, immediately. I almost cried a little at the second story. Its probably the worst I’ve ever heard. That honestly would have sent me over the edge. I really don’t see how you’re still alive to tell the story. No I am not kidding. I would have died. Right. There. That’s how much I cannot stand them. It’s like the worlds most hated thing, combined with the worlds most beloved…and it’s just disturbing on so many levels. WOWSA.

  48. Melissa D says:

    I am so late to this party but I have to share:

    9 months pregnant, sitting on the potty at 3am. You know how it goes — once you start peeing, you cannot stop at that point. I drowsily looked up toward the vanity mirror… and saw a massive palmetto bug in it. Except that it took me a few seconds to realize that if it was up THERE in the mirror, it was actually…. RIGHT OVER MY HEAD in real life. I had to sit there in horror until I finished and waddle as fast as possible to get my husband to kill it.

      • Kristi G says:

        oh my goodness! yes! I am pregnant now and terrified I’m going to have that happen to me. When I had a problem with them, I would turn on the light and scan the whole bathroom before I went in. I’d even check behind the shower curtain because nobody wants to be peeing and hear that unmistakable little scuttering sound!

  49. Sara says:

    Once, long ago, I made the most beautiful handmade loaf of anadama bread. Within it, right along the perfect cut slice, was a baked roach… In the fetal position. Dead, obviously. I was not the one to find it. I was crushed. Defeated. And thoroughly disgusted.

  50. Kristi G says:

    Oh my goodness! I just about died reading this. I even sent it to my husband (who makes a point NOT to read blogs) and made him read it. You just described me to a T. I’m cringing right now and a little shaky from reading this story. We haven’t had any issues in the past little while (knock on wood) but I’ve had them in my home before and I can’t handle it. I don’t want to leave my bedroom. I’m not sure why I consider the bedroom safe, but I do. I open doors, reach around corners, turn on lights, and then jump back to get out of the way. You know, in case there’s a million of them in there all ready to attack! UGH! Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. Oh! And putting it in a sealable plastic bag?! GENIUS!

  51. Eileen says:

    “god made everything” HA HA HA! That made me laugh~ I am going to have to ask him why on earth did he ever make HEAD LICE!!!!! HATE IT!!!!!! This is my first experience ever with it and I hope it is my LAST!!!!

  52. jasmine Howard says:

    I hate bugs the same way!!!

  53. Sarah says:

    We straight up moved out of Houston to escape the parade of roaches that always seemed to show up in our lives. (We actually moved for work reasons and my first question about our new location: what are the bugs like?). One morning I woke up and went in the kitchen to find 6! roaches eating my dish sponge!!!!! I seriously CRIED over it, not exaggerating. Blech.

  54. Tina Matteson says:

    OMG, I act exactly the same way! I thought I was the only one. We bought a really old (over 100 years) house here in Texas and in spite of our best efforts, our exterminator actually told us we’ll probably always be fighting waterbugs (really big cockroaches that come in from outside.) AAAGHHH! I have nearly moved out more than once.

  55. Desi says:

    Just flies. Flies and more flies. We live on a horse farm so they are a summer fixture but this year they’re out of control. I don’t know if it’s because of the super cold winter or what but I’m so over them.

  56. Ashly L says:

    Girl you had one texas roach. Try five.
    I lived on an acre of land with my grandparents and my younger aunt and we had critters like no other over there. We had tarantulas, snakes and roaches. They were all equally scary! But the most horrific thing was when me and my aunt were washing dishes late at night and my grandparents were asleep. We kept hearing this noise like something was flying but we couldn’t see it. So we are laughing and singing. And then all the sudden i feel a tap on my back. Lord behold my aunts hands were in the soapy water! So I turned ever so slowly and started to ask whats on my back. Before I get out the words my aunt is screaming “roooooaaachhh!!!!!”! And as she’s screaming four more are flying towards us. I never shook and ran so fast a day in my life. In part of us running away we also screamed bloody murder which in turn awoke two grumpy grandparents lol. So my grandfather comes out wearin a bathrobe and with a baseball bat and hes all “whats wrong?” And we r like “those roaches everywhere!”, and jus so happened they had all vanished! So hes like “i don’t see them! If you see them you can kill them you aren’t little girls anymore!”. Lol we were 18 & 16. So he turns to walk away and as he is leaving we are stating at his back. On his bathrobe are all five roaches jus sitting there! When I say that we were terrified..well that’s not even a good explanation! We were white as ghosts! Couldn’t wen muster up any words but a subtle gasp from me and a point of her right index finger from my aunt. My grandfather turned around so fast and once he realized why we were white., the fight was on. We didn’t see it though because we ran far away to a land called “safe in our rooms” lol.