mortifying moments and handmade wedding programs

If you remember a few posts ago, we’re all things weddings around here right now at The Handmade Home. My sister, in particular, took the big dive this weekend. I took last week off to head up to Knoxville and help put out fires prep for the big day. I gladly played the part of the dutiful bridesmaid, snapping photos of all the side stuff.

The bridesmaids luncheon…

The rehearsal dinner…

Pedis and impromtu showers, and everything in between…all the little side moments that make these things what they really are.

And today’s post was supposed to be all about her fabulous ceremony and reception. Via yours truly. Only I didn’t really make it that far…with the camera at least. You see, I kind of had a sickness that {the nice way of putting it} manifested itself in two forms. Between the following story, and my slipcover catastrophe, I kind of hate myself right now.

In other words, don’t read any further if you have a delicate stomach. I was exploding. Yep. The worst possible form of all sicknesses struck me on my sister’s wedding day. It’s a long, horrible, still-too-raw-story for me to share in it’s entirety. Maybe one day I’ll laugh about it {ten years later}… It’s a wretching-in-the-bushes, behind-the-photographer-and-wedding party, mortifying moment kinda thing for me. My brother was there, coaching me along the way, telling me to avoid ruining my dress. This is kind of a big deal for Sir Gagsalot. Better before than during, right?

Jamin gave me two Dramamine. And six Immodium. {No, I wasn’t irresponsible with drugs-that was my total intake before it stopped. My mom said later it was enough to put down a horse, and she kept asking Jamin if I was still breathing in my sleep. But desperate times also call for desperate measures, and I’ll now be eating prunes and fiber for a month.} I made it through the ceremony without passing out…holding two ten pound bouquets, and then I was able to participate in some of the reception and all possible photos. Let’s check that off the idiot bridesmaids merit badges selection, mmmkay? After that, I was done. I went back to the hotel and slept for fifteen hours.


Yep. That’s a typical Ashley moment for ya. The diplomatic statement for you here, is that I’m hoping to bribe get the fabulous photog that was in charge of the day to let me share a few images with you later. My honest response is that oh my gosh are you kidding me? Followed by incoherent ramblings of anger.

It is what it is.

So in the meantime, chin up, buttercup! We have a quick little project we put together to share with you today, and it’s her programs. Since it was a hot garden 3:00 wedding, we thought fans were the order of the day. Once we had some simple squares designed + printed, we simply stained, and glued popsicle sticks to them.

Don’t laugh-but in a Hobby Lobby moment, I thought gorilla glue was the most dependable for a hot day.

TADA! Fans.

Yes, this was the one photo I begged Jamin to take while I laid across a reception table, and all the guests thought I was on a total booze fest. Yes, this is dedication to my work. This was right before I had to leave before I ruined the entire thing by making it a vom fest, instead.

If my life could be a movie, it would be a funnier version of Bridesmaids mixed with SNL and a little Tommy Boy + Date Night thrown in for good measure. Then there would have been an intervention and people crying and someone’s ruined dress as a product of my latest eruption a-la projectile, and a little natural awkwardness that only I can provide. People would be pointing and screaming at the screen. I am the train wreck of my own catastrophe. Hurray.

I was just smiling happily that people were using the fans. Dramamine makes me happy. At least that’s what I think I remember through my blurred, double vision.

In other news, the sky looked like this on my way home today, lying uselessly in the passenger’s seat. Anyone else spy a profile in those clouds? I’m not sure the drugs have worn off yet. That cloud has a really big nose.

So spill it. What’s your greatest ever wedding/public event under ridiculously high pressure catastrophe? I don’t need therapy when I have you to make me feel better. ;}

Have an inspired day everyone-let the stories begin!

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Responses to mortifying moments and handmade wedding programs

  1. Pamelotta says:

    I don’t have a story about myself, but at my husband’s 10th class reunion (which he went to without me because I was out of the country), when he went to use the bathroom, he accidentally pooed on the tail end of his shirt, which was dangling into the toilet. I wish I could make the ending more horrifying for you due to your current situation, but alas, he tucked his shirt in and didn’t even realize what could have happened until he got home that night and undressed.
    Sorry, all I could dig up was a “could’ve been a catastrophe” story.

  2. Mila says:

    I’m sorry but this is hilarious. Thank you for sharing this. 😉 Hope you feel better!

  3. Shannon says:

    I was a bridesmaid in my brother’s HUGE wedding. It was a long wedding and right at the very end I told my other brother, who I was standing by, that I was about to faint. What does any younger brother do? He kindly steps out of the way so I fall straight back like a tree! I took out a column, floral arrangement and silver candelabra. It all fell on top of me covering me in flowers and wax. Thankfully nothing caught on fire! That is definitely my most embarrassing moment that we all still talk about and laugh about to this day…ten years later.

  4. Leigh johnson says:

    My husband, myself and one of our boys were in my husband’s cousin’s wedding. On the way with my husband, the kid who was not in the wedding threw up everywhere inside my in laws fairly new LAND ROVER…yep. So needless to say in Florida, in the summer, that smelled lovely. We got him cleaned up and he slept in the church nursery through the whole wedding thank goodness. We were able to take a few pics with the wedding party but had to totally skip the reception. A bummer but I was more concerned about my little guy. He was fine the next day. And the Land Rover and car seat aired out in the mean time:)

  5. kelly says:

    my best friend and bridesmaid chipped her front tooth on a beer bottle the night before I got married….yah, we’re classy like that. luckily she had a great dentist that fixed it the next morning. not so funny then, but hilarious now! sorry you were so sick….THAT is the worst kind of sick too.

  6. Mine’s not embarrassing, just really really pathetic. I got food poisoning from some off yogurt once while staying in Spain. My friend and I had found a spare room to rent in a family’s home, and none of them spoke a lick of English. We were in Barcelona, so hilariously, they didn’t speak Spanish either (in which my friend is fluent), they spoke Catalan. My friend had to meet a long lost cousin the next day, so I was left alone puking violently every half hour in a house where I couldn’t communicate at all with the sweet woman who lived there. We ended up using a Catalan/English dictionary to point to words to try to talk a bit. Oh, and my phone wasn’t working so I couldn’t even call my mom and cry :( Pretty bad, huh? So look on the bright(ish) side, Ashley! At least you could complain loudly in English to your fam! 😉

  7. heather steinbeck says:

    Oh Ashley–I’m so sorry….and I totally “smell what yer steppin’ in”…. :) I can laugh about it now, but good gravy, you are not alone…I take pictures for people on the side just for fun, but one of my friends asked if I’d be the photographer of her wedding, so I said yes (my first wedding “gig”)…long story short, as the wedding party and both sides of their family descended upon a beautiful forest scene in a local park, I decided to make a hasty exit to a bank of trees off yonder and yack and other unmentionable things that made me ruin my dress and shoes as it ran down my leg (shudder)! So…my knight in shining armor husband heard the commotion in the trees, grabbed my camera, and did all of the family pictures for the day (and then also performed the wedding a little while later) while I ran home to get “cleaned up”. I drank a sprite, finished the pictures, only felt like fainting one or seven times, got through the ceremony and reception, and then came home and slept for a day as well. I am totally laughing now as I remember this story, so there is hope for you too! :)

  8. colleen from alabama says:

    Ashley, mine is so good, it has been written up! My dad was a pastor for years, and i was 32 when i got married, so it was quite a big affair (800-850 in attendance). The church where i got married was in the process of building a BIG addition when we got married. The morning of my wedding, the water main blew…. yep! No flushing toilets, no iced tea made for the reception (did i mention it was 102 that sweet day in July?), no water fountains, no hand washing, you get the picture. Well, the construction genius who decided to turn the water back on as we were taking before wedding pictures, was about one sandwich shy of a picnic and decided to turn in out full force all at once. Well, now we know that when you do that, the pressure that has built up in the pipes releases when a toilet or urinal is flushed. We know that because my brother in law was on the receiving end of that explosion. There was nothing but one small piece of ceramic chard left on the wall. Ceramic schrapnal (sp?) was all over the place. Fortunately he got his pants zipped up in time! His hands however didn’t fair so well. He got lots of band-aids to help him get through the wedding, then he got 16 stitches! We made it through but the fun was just starting… I won’t give every detail but lets just say the next three days involved a broken down car, a hotel losing a reservation, running through an international airport to get a notary republic to authorize a change in my name on my ticket… and so on and so on and so on! The amazing this is that God have me the gift of laughter through most of it. We’ve been married 15 years this July and it has certainly been worth all of that fiasco! So there you have it! (and i left out quite a bit) Maybe now yours doesn’t seem too bad?

    • That’s probably one of the worst stories I’ve ever heard. At least you’re still married, right? ;}

      • colleen from alabama says:

        Yep, very happily! have lived in Birmingham ever since… or homewood to be more precise. Which is one of the reasons i love your blog, southern and okay with my small 100 year old house! I forgot to add, for the reception, a trip to the grocery store garnered some Milo’s iced tea for the reception so all was not lost!

  9. Erin says:

    I was at a wedding where we were all out on the small dance floor that had been fairly crowded all night. However, it was a Sunday wedding, it was getting late, and the crowd had really dwindled down so there were only about 15 of us out there, and we decided to start pulling out the old school moves like running man, Thriller, and that dance from Hammer Time. Well…I was wearing black wedges that night, and a light knit, knee length dress, which was fine with most of the dancing we were doing because hey, no one was being flashed. So of course, a friend who knows I can do the moon walk suggested I do it because Billy Jean was blasting through the DJ speakers. Needless to say, there was a bad combo going on: wedge shoes… sticky wedding dance floor…aaand a catastrophe in the making. I fell. Hard. Like, my body made a loud “THUD” as my butt hit the floor and my feet flew up in the air. The whole room hushed and everyone paused what they were doing and turned to look at me, lying there, arms and legs akimbo on the floor. Time stood still. I did the only thing I could do…I laughed. It started out as just a chuckle, but by the time I was lifted off the floor by two strong, adorable men who I now had no chance with, I was dying. So was everyone else. Thank God for wine.

  10. Elizabeth says:

    I TOTALLY see a profile in those clouds! You’re right; he does have a really big nose. He’s got a nice mouth, though! Is that weird?

    And I’m so sorry about your wedding day catastrophe. That would be awful to be feeling so horrible on your sister’s big day.

  11. Shaunna says:

    Oh, friend, I’m so sorry. That’s the absolute WORST. I’m praying your up and at ’em in no time!

  12. BP says:

    “The incident” involved me and a tanning bed (translation: skin cancer tube) just two days before my friend’s big day. All I can say is that I was so flippin’ fried I almost bawled every time my silky soft bridesmaid’s dress dared to brush my bod. Twelve years later, my skin still hurts when I think of it! And I went down in history as the bridesmaid who most resembled a lobster…

  13. Britsnap says:

    Imagine one big ear in the top right hand corner of the cloud picture. Then it looks like Micky mouse.

  14. Lindy says:

    May 2004 at my cousin’s wedding. I was her maid of honor and I went to catch the bouqet and my strapless wedding dress with built-in–bra FELL DOWN! I was topless on the dance floor in front of 300 people. It was not one of my finest moments. Luckily one of the other bridesmaids jumped in front of me. I caught the bouquet, although eight years later, I’m still single!