It all started with that nasty L-word, with Chloe. The whole your-dog-is-going-to-die-from-lymphoma news made us really sad, to say the least. But I think it’s about more than ‘just’ about losing our dog. It may sound silly, but I think lymphoma (and chemo) in something as seemingly minor as a dog – it’s really a reminder. Of life and how temporary we all really are. A vapor. No matter what we do, no matter how in denial we remain, it’s a reality check. All things, no matter how constant and wonderful they have been… are fragile.
It’s all so very temporary in a broken world.
That scares the control freak out of me.
That reminder, that fresh little dose of reality was the beginning of a little air turbulence that grew into a mini-tailspin for us. We were gliding along, a little freaked out by the whole he-just-quit-his-job-but-we’re-doing-this-thing when it began. It’s funny how something so seemingly small can kind of rock your world a little. It gives you perspective, and makes you thankful for what you do have. Then there were a few more things that happened on our extended families, that threw us for a big loop.
Within the same time frame, Jamin had a bit of a health scare. It turned out to be his gallbladder, or at least we think that’s what it is according to the doctor – hurray for flaxseed and vitamin C because natural solutions are helping with those symptoms right now. It’s been a touch and go approach. And I just scheduled a laparoscopy for what we think is endometriosis per my doctor’s recommendation – at this point we’re kind of ready for answers. It’s been a very painful thing I’ve been dealing with for quite a while that came to an all time peek last weekend where I was all dramatic and stuff because, no biggie, I just thought I might die. One moment I feel fine, and the next I’m on the floor, unable to speak or move. It scared us.
Throw in a few other elements, struggling with homeschool and the kids through a difficult spell that will make you feel like a terrible parent, sprinkle in more bad news that seems like it’s coming from all around, and we’d gone from a little air turbulence to an all out tailspin. We were all, just-kidding-we-let-go-of-the-controls-completely, because we kind of crash landed in a stinky mire of this-sucks-itis.
Jamin went to a football game last weekend with some friends, and when it started to rain, I not-so-jokingly texted a safety request that he not get struck by lightening on the giant metal bleachers. Because on our current path, that was a totally feasible option.
We hit a funk.
When your health, even in minor ways, is tweaked a little… when your perspective changes because bad things are happening… when you can’t even look at the news because your world might just come crashing down if you read about one more child who has been harmed, or another ebola scare or brown recluse infestations in Missouri {what?!}… We’re not eating all organic, and I should have recycled yesterday because my great great grandchildren will be living amongst landfills drilling for water while surrounded by all the plastic water bottles we’ve gone through by the time we’re long gone if we’ve survived the crazy terrorists… Oh the irony. That progression of thought can spiral downhill fast when your faith is challenged and you almost feel as though you’re being punished for something. Because it’s easy to regress to that.
Even the little things, it can all feel so uncertain.
Recently, I’ve begun to question our lack of MREs in the garage, alongside our escape route to a secret survival room and rifle arsenal – Duh – the only answer for impending doom if my own lady bits don’t implode on me first. But maybe that’s just me. Because that’s not really the answer, either. The brown recluse spiders and cancer… can still find us there.
Life. It’s full of stages and seasons, but mainly there are the ups where we feel like we’ve got this… and the downs. Where we struggle to get back up there.
It’s a sobering reminder, no, a wakeup call, that we weren’t flying that little aircraft in the first place, and it just might be headed in a completely different direction than we intended.
Old ways won’t open new doors – via
Here’s the part where I follow up with I know that there are real problems in the world. Almost as an apology for the over share with you guys. Why did I just whine share in the first few paragraphs?
I think the world can use a little more honesty. It’s about more than just projects and the fun spaces. Ideas and creativity are what we adore, but it can seem kind of stupid and unimportant in comparison when we’re really struggling to get out of the mire and back to the surface. When we experience a loss, and we’re just trying to feel ‘normal’ again.
In our culture, we’re taught to minimalize our own problems, lest we seem complain-y. We apologize for weakness. For feeling vulnerable. For showing our feelings. So we start by glossing them over, dismissively. How many times have we heard “I Realize there are real problems in the world, because they’re nothing compared to what (fill-in-the-blank here) has been through,” from a friend? Why are we so dismissive of our struggles?
I think a good place to begin would be with a cease fire on ourselves and on others. We’re basically apologizing for experiencing life. For having real feelings about those experiences. Your problems are your problems, and they’re very real, to you. Navigating life is hard.
I think we’re programed to shake it off when things get difficult. To put our noses to the grindstone and push through it. To keep it to ourselves. We’re listening to our inner voices of guilt, amplified over time and based on our ridiculous, self-imposed expectations. We’re trying to accomplish more. Power through. Work harder. Rise above. Strive.
We think we can pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, when really… sometimes the very best thing is a re-boot.
When life presses in on us from every direction, maybe we should listen. Maybe we should let go of those inner critics, that perfectionist that tells us to push harder. Maybe we should allow ourselves to breathe a bit. It’s okay to step away. Maybe it’s a gentle reminder from someone bigger than us, to rest.
Sometimes, a surrender is all we can manage.
Let me be clear in this: I’m not saying we should give in to a permanent state of self pity, bogged down forever. We should give ourselves time to process, and work through it in our own way. I’ve been there for a while. Many times. And we deny ourselves that basic element that allows us to grow and learn. Don’t be deceived by the idea that you can pull yourself up, either. Or that you’re weak if you can’t.
No one can.
It comes down to the humbling reminder of the basics. We become blinded by our society, almost entitled to what we think life is supposed to be, and the script that tells us how we are to react to it. Then life throws us a rewrite.
I think that starts with the little things. A reboot. It’s okay to remember to be thankful that we’re breathing today. That we got up this morning. For the roof over our heads and the meals on our plates. Sometimes it’s all about just putting one foot in front of the other, and allowing ourselves time to mourn, recover and grow. To notice the little things that maybe we couldn’t see when we were soaring so high in the air before. It’s about cultivating the fine art of thankfulness, and the reminders in what that means. To embrace a little of that process, and what this season of life, no matter how high or low, is forming in us.
When life sweet, say thank you and celebrate, when life is bitter say thank you and grow
– via
A little less striving, and a little more grace. A little less grindstone and a little more rest. A little more time to heal and process. I believe that the sabbath exists for a reason, and I think we ignore it, much to our own demise.
There is no cure-all quick fix for life and all that it brings. I think that the greatest comfort comes in knowing that we’re not alone, nor are we in control. And in the meantime, while we try our best to work our way through that mire {and maybe let someone else relaunch that proverbial aircraft} the concept of rest was made for a reason, too.
Sometimes that’s the very best thing, if all, that we can do.
It can give us a little bit of a fresh perspective; a reboot.
And that can go a very long way.
Debra says
Thank you for your honest essay. We all have times when it hits the fan and we try to put on that “it’s fine, really” face when we need to yell and stomp and shake our fists at the sky. Once we get the crazy out, it’s amazingly clear how much we really have in the important things–family, friends, and love. Wishing you better days!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much, Debra! I think we’ve all been there. ;}
zofia says
Thank you very much,very inspirational,thinking of you all,keep up the great blog 🙂
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Zofia! ;}
Anna says
You have no idea how much I needed this, this morning. I’ve been fighting rest for a while now telling myself to push through it. Thank you .
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hoping you get some much needed rest this week.
Anne F says
All the blips in life are what makes you stronger.
Trust me…
ashley @ the handmade home says
So true, Anne! ;} SO true.
Ellen says
Keep the positive attitude. Go day by day until God shows you the end is in sight. We are strong when we keep our heads together and look to Him. Love your way with words. Thanks for sharing.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Ellen! Very true.
Amber F. says
I’ve fought endometriosis for years…..like from day 1 of puberty! Had the laparoscopy, tried out birth control pills to control it, and depo-shots. All of which were a big pain! I’ve done tons of research on it and saw some studies that link endometriosis to a gluten intolerance. So this summer, I cut back to just having gluten {wheat-products} once a day {because this girl needs a donut every now and then} and after doing that, I experienced my first EVER pain free period. Not a cramp, twinge of pain, or slight discomfort. It was so weird and completely exciting. I’ve now gone three months with “fabulous” periods {if there is such a thing!?!?}. I’ve also spent a lot of time praying about it, so not sure if it’s a “miraculous healing” or if there’s something to that gluten theory. : ) It’s definitely worth a try!!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hey Amber! I will definitely look into that. I’ve been reading up on everything and slacked off on running for a while, too. After some time that’s when the symptoms worsened so I will be sure to read up on everything I possibly can. Thank you for sharing that. I am anxious to get this laparoscopy out of the way to see what the dr has to say!
Tania // Run To Radiance says
Oh gosh…thank you for sharing so openly about how you all are doing and feeling! I can totally relate, having health issues and waiting forever to hear test results and everything seeming so fragile and hauntingly beautiful…totally get it.
Also, love your photos, especially the last one, how sweet!!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much Tania. I’m so sorry you’ve been through some rough stuff lately, too. Praying for you and good health!
Laura Putnam says
Sorry you guys are going through so much friend – hope the lights gets brighter soon and all of your health concerns are put to rest.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thanks, Laura!
Mary Jane says
THanks for your thoughts today, Ashley! Loved all you shared and agree with you.
We often need to reboot!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Mary Jane.
Chris says
You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself! Thank you for such an honest post. I’m still trying to re-boot from losing my son over 9 years ago, along with so many other losses along the way since then. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through right now, and know that you are not alone. There is a reason for everything we go through….we’re just to close to see what it is. Thank you again, this truly came at the perfect time!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Chris. There just are no words. I simply can’t fathom the pain. You’re in my prayers, and I mean it.
Lori says
I think we care chandy twins!! This post really hit home. I had a laparoscopy last year for similar stuff and it really worked wonders. Also have yucky random stuff going on – kids in funky stages, husband had some minor health issues. Luckily nothing major but enough to shake up our world and make us reassess a bit. But I love your saying, “when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. When life is bitter, say thank you and grow.” The yucky stuff that has happened to us had a purpose which is becoming more clear. And we have definitely grown. So, good luck and hang in there!! God never gives us more than we can handle.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Lori. That gives me hope. I’m so glad it helped you! Hang in there – we’re right there with you!
Holli S. says
I had to reboot this week too—after an epic crash, one that ended with the phrase, “and I hate when northerners say ‘ya’ll’.” And while I do hate when northerners say ‘ya’ll’, it became clear to me that I was so in need of … some time. This post comes at a perfect time for me, especially since I’m at a point in my own design career where I’ve had to take the job with the boring tasks and very little creativity in order to place my family in a position where someday I can take a risk. I’ve had to do the work-for-trades-that seems to always turn into the hey-i’ve-got-this-designer-who-works-for-free, that ends in me putting my foot down and feeling used. There’s a plan, and I know it, but sometimes, just sometimes, a reboot is in order.
so, thank you for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
ashley @ the handmade home says
HA! What an interesting conversation that must have been! It can be really hard when sometimes – I get it! Have you read the book Boundaries? It’s been really helpful to me and I just suggest it because I’m hearing a lot of myself in there from a few years ago. I struggle with that kind of stuff a lot. Been there. Been there many times. ;}
Holli S. says
I have never heard of it, thanks for the suggestion! It looks like just what I should read based on the brief descriptions. I have a few books that have become so priceless to me because they offer solutions (Parenting with Love and Logic, and Healthy Sleep, Happy Child are two). This may become one of those. Thank you.
I don’t like visiting this place…but just yesterday evening, I caught a glimmer of the edge of the woods, and that’s exciting. Paying clients, a huge finished freelance project (the only one I’ve ever taken and been ok that it doesn’t pay now—it’s amazing to believe in the value of something so much), and now I get where my unit at work might be headed.
So I drank my tension tamer, sewed some snaps onto Luke Skywalker’s top, and thought through a couple logo concepts. 🙂
Catherine says
So, so true. Beautiful writing and thank you for being honest. You are right, we all need to be more honest and vulnerable with each other. Sending a virtual hug and saying a prayer for all your struggles right now. I am in the midst of some upheaval as well and it is scary to realise how little control we actually have. I keep coming back to kindness and love. If I can just hold on to those two things with my family and friends then I will be ok (and give myself some grace when those two things are harder to hold on to).
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hugs back to you, Catherine!
Charisa says
Enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing and for the reminder to slow down.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Charisa! I struggle with it daily! ;}
Alison says
Wow…I SOOOO needed this reminder. Grace is such a wonderful gift…and one that we should also give to our own selves.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Yes! So very true!
Mindy says
Your honesty? Much appreciated…Prayers for you all as you process and reboot.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Mindy. ;}
Jeanne says
Ashley and Jamin (and kiddos too)… where to start? Lately, life has felt a lot like lemons to me. The good – promotion at work, yay! The bad – husband dealing with health issues. The good – beautiful, healthy children. The bad – beautiful, stubborn children. We have good days, we have not so good days. There are days when I get home from work and all I want to do is crawl under the covers and close my eyes. But, I have 3 girls to care for, help with homework, bathe, marvel at, put to bed. No matter how tired I am, there have been evenings when I sit down on the floor with my 1 year old and watch her play because it’s my happy place. Work. Home. Extracurricular activities. When was the last time I saw a movie, in a movie theater? Lord knows. All this to say, I appreciate your honesty. Your authenticity. Your grace. Your perspective. Let’s go make some lemonade.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe Jeanne – rooting for you!!! And hurray for lemonade!
Sarah says
Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts. In a busy and broken world, so often we need to reboot, but instead we keep fighting and pushing forward. I love that quote from Shauna Niequist’s book Bittersweet. I finished it this summer and it has given me a better perspective on living in the good and hard moments of life. Thank you for the reminder.
Judy says
I love the honestly of your post, cause life is really about a bunch of moments good and bad. Learned today I need to have an ultrasound of my liver after many many months of health strugglesand thinking I was in the upswing. Add to it having to put our 16 yr old cat to sleep and a job that tests my patience every day, yeah some days just stink, even if they aren’t up to the level of the Ebola outbreak. Doing lots of rebooting in this household these days, one day at a time.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Oh Judy – I’m so sorry for your loss of your cat. It hurts. And I pray all your liver tests /health stuff comes out okay.
Sharon says
Some great thoughts, quotes and sweet pictures! I think you are right and we need to decide it is okay to say “no” to the unwanted Drama from others, and focus on what we need to help our families. Best of luck to you!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thanks, Sharon! ;}
Jeanne says
For the last 8-ish years I’ve had a mantra… “Sometimes you have to surrender just to survive.” I’ve had a really long never-ending parade of crap happen. I think I broke a mirror or something. But yeah, that’s my mantra. It’s served me well, even now.
And this too shall pass.
ashley @ the handmade home says
HA! Watching the news yesterday, I had to whisper that. This too shall pass… this too shall pass… ;}
Jeanne says
Exactly. Or else whaddya gonna do? Cry all the time? Not an option.
Kyla Fetzner says
This is great Ashley. I will be praying for your health and Jamin’s too. I can really relate to the things you shared here about wanting to feel ‘normal’ again because I’m there right now. Thank you for sharing 🙂
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you sweet Kyla. How is your recovery going? I Pray you’re feeling well these days!
Kyla Fetzner says
Thank you Ashley! My recovery has gone very well and I am living without pain now 🙂 I really appreciate your prayers!
Angela R says
Can I just say that I love your honest writing. It doesn’t sound like whining at all. Sometimes we just need to get it off our chest, and remember that everyone struggles and that its ok. Hope you guys are feeling better soon. Endometriosis is no joke. My friend had it and we really thought she was dying, that is a lot of pain man. Hope your recovery is swift. (Hugs)
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much, Angela! One day at a time. ;}
Colleen says
I think these are great ideas but they bring up a lot of questions in my mind. “Faith” in what is challenged? If “we can’t pull ourselves up”, who can? “Remember to be thankful” to whom? Isn’t it only Jewish people who observe a “sabbath”? If we are “not alone” and “not in control”, who is with us and who is in control? How do you know any of those things for sure?
ashley @ the handmade home says
I apologize if our post wasn’t enough, as I’m not really sure how to take this comment other than the way that it’s stated above? Are you looking for certain words? God. Emmanuel. Jesus. Prayer. Church.
I suppose I thought it was obvious, and if one visited often enough they would find us sharing our faith in relation to what’s going on with us because it’s very real to us. We’re imperfect humans struggling every day. Just like everyone else. We choose not to spell it out, as we’ve always preferred the literary element of inference, at times. We believe God works through that, because he’s bigger than someone else’s own religious preferences. We don’t believe you have to spell it out to carry a strong message.
I do find it curious that we don’t catch flack from non-Christians for sharing Christian principles, but a Christian finds it necessary to debate who celebrates sabbath, and our belief that everyone should celebrate it in some form. Perhaps there is a reason Jesus hung out with the non-religious.
Brenda J says
Thank you, Ashley, for your honesty. I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much. I am having to reboot a lot lately, and this just really hit home with me. I love your perspective and I will refer back to this post when I need encouragement to just put one foot in front of the other. In our home, we also keep the Sabbath (we are not Jewish either, by the way) and I appreciate that you mentioned it. I just love your blog and look forward to your posts!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thanks so much, Brenda. Hugs to you!
ali says
personally, ashley, I liked the fact that you kept the references vague… even as a christian myself, I sometimes feel like overusing christian specific terms often makes others feel like its not relevant for them unless they are also christian and they miss the true meaning of what is being said and the message/impact that is being brought upon them. the way this piece was written is relatable, not just by christians, but by people of all faiths and non-traditional “faith/belief”. you truly can’t “do it alone” and whether that larger “power” helping you along the way you call “God” “Allah” “the Universe” “Friendship” “Love” etc. – to me its all the same thing – it doesn’t really matter what you call “it” as long as you recognize “it” and know that you can’t do it alone with out “it”. just my perspective 🙂
Ujjaini says
I can’t say enough but how much I appreciate your honest writing. we all are running and once in a while need to pause rewind and take notice of the things we have and appreciate. I don’t know if this world will come to an end or not with the things around, but I hope not. I hope that it lasts forever, for all the generations to come and appreciate its beauty like we could. Lets hope we all can make the most of what we got.
http://imyownmuse.blogspot.com
Kerry says
This is spot on ‘Sometimes, a surrender is all we can manage’
Amen! And your entire post parallels the chapter I JUST finished reading in
Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis!!
Kathleen W. says
Well said ! I’ve been having similar thoughts and feelings lately. Thanks so much for writing this, you hit the nail on the head.
Jessica says
Beautifully put. Thank you