When are you guys moving?
It’s a harmless question I get from a lot of people on a regular basis. I’ve even heard it posed under the guise of now that our rooms are ‘finished’ {note the gigantic imaginary air quotes} it’s time to take flight. I don’t know if it’s our southern locale, or if it’s this way everywhere. But because of the stage of life we’re in, it’s assumed that we’ll be climbing to the next rung. That proverbial ladder of house ownership to the coveted fill-in-the-blank-square-footage-and-amazing-location-here.
I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be asked really personal questions I wouldn’t want to answer, like when-are-you-having-babies and other various whatnots. Because the subject matter of home ownership alone is a complicated one.
Uh, how much time do you have? Is my would-be response. Because there isn’t one easy answer. I can explain to them the direct correlation between impeccable timing, money, savings, the market, our children’s ages, projects on the horizon and website content (yes, it is a factor-though obviously not the biggest one, something we must consider) should I keep going?
And then I stop.
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have now was once among the things you only hoped for – via
Because A. It’s kinda complicated, B. They don’t really care, and C. I think it’s okay if I don’t really have an answer.
Two years ago, we put our house on the market. I announced it brazenly on our blog, and then a few short months later, we changed our minds. It was one of the best choices (though decidedly not so much on purpose and quite humbling at the time) we’ve ever made.
Looking back two years later, here’s a few lessons we’ve learned in staying put.
Less house more home – via
Size: it’s all relative.
Those commercials of a well-known phone company on TV drive me nuts. You know the ones: The guy at a table with a bunch of small kids using ‘clever’ banter to rationalize that “Bigger is Better”. Cue me: fighting the strongest desire to claw my eyeballs out. For starters, they’re using the thoughts of children to try to bring it back around to network coverage (kind of a stretch). And secondly, we use them and I hardly ever have any coverage, so there’s that.
Every time that commercial airs (see: every other possible spot in football season) I kind of want to smash my fist into the screen. I’m level headed like that.
Some people look for a beautiful place. Others make a place beautiful. – via
We tend to buy into that, don’t we? That we need more. We have this insatiable appetite as a society for it. Bigger is not always better. We’re told by everyone around us from commercials to friends, to make the leap, get a home like fill-in-someone’s-name-here or make choices just like so-and-so because we’re “expected to”. It looks good. It’s a symbol of our status. And it’s all about the image, after all… right?
Let me make it clear when I say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with moving. Good grief, heaven help us… you have to do what’s right for you and your family. But there’s a problem when it’s for the wrong reasons. This is what we were playing with in our own lives, two years ago.
I’ve been guilty, in my younger years, of letting everyone else’s expectations intimidate me in the past… buying into the lies that infiltrate our lives. That I must have ‘more’, and I wonder how many other people have felt that “pressure”.
It’s taken me a while to learn that we’re on our own path.
Because it’s the only path to take.
No one is measuring you with a Mary Poppins yardstick.
In the same way, people aren’t judging me as much as I probably think they are. I’m pretty sure no one is really sitting back wondering why we haven’t moved yet, so when they ask the question, it’s just curious conversation. That’s totally fine.
I was surprised by the statistics that the average home in 1950 was around 1,000 sq. feet. In the 2000s the average home was around our size (2300)… People could afford more, and families began doing more. Whereas in the past, family units in general were much closer, now it’s not so much. And now the housing trend is going back to even smaller.
Here I was, complaining about how ‘small’ our home was, and we’re average. (Maybe not for our phase of life. We’re considering empty nesters and young couples with everyone else. So I feel like I should get a medal for staying in the same home for seven years with five people and a giant dog. Want to come to my award ceremony? Feel free to slap me.) But it’s the average in general. And I’m pretty sure that’s not worldwide. We won’t even touch the general concept of wealth and the fact that a majority of America is in the top tenth percentile.
Am I buying into the rat race? I’m not really sure who I’m running it with. Or why I even joined that race in the first place.
First. World. Problems. And it’s a sobering reminder of my own naive entitlement.
I’ve referred to our home as ‘small’, because everyone around me seems to be going bigger. And by everyone around me, I mean the few people I know that have moved to their next house. And by next house, I mean no one really cares.
I can live in an all white minimalist concrete slab in Scandinavia or a McMansion in Texas. When it comes down to it, there is no sizing chart for measuring up. No one is standing next to me with a magical ruler. And if they are, they kind of need to get a life. It’s all about what works for us, and it’s all about our attitude.
Staying here has been a serious readjustment for me, and it has nothing to do with the size of our house, but what fits right for us, and our family.
Meeting our needs
Staying in our space, we decided to look for solutions in our home. We were under the illusion that we needed more space because we had more things, and when we cut back, it challenged us. We rose to meet that challenge, by purging our home and organizing our spaces to really work for us. We learned more about ourselves than we ever imagined.
It was a lifestyle change, and I’m not sure I would have taken the time to make that happen, had we made the leap to the “next big thing.” I know myself. And I know it would have been all about other stuff. Not cutting back and living with less clutter. It would have been about the acquirement of more.
I simply wasn’t in a place where I was ready, until we reassessed our lives and looked at our goals and vision as a family.
Using it all
Along the same lines…we use our entire home. All of it. All. Of. The. Rooms. It’s a process, and we’re still getting there, but we truly do. From the closets, to the home school room, to the porch that we turned into a studio, to an outdoor space (which truly argues the case of doing that first for the sheer bonus of making your home feel larger and I have no idea why we waited so long).
We probably purged our home of at least 50% of our belongings. And we utilized 3 more spaces (not counting storage, like closets) in the meantime. We’ve learned what it means to use systems that truly work for us… How sad if we’d missed out on that opportunity.
The lessons learned in that are invaluable.
Time
It’s of the essence. And I don’t know where we would be in our life right now if we’d moved two years ago.
But I know where we are right now.
I know that our family was headed down a path I didn’t like… with limited time, lots of stress, and less funds. And we were ready to enter our income into some random mortgage calculator to see what the most home was that we could afford. Looking back, that just doesn’t feel right to me. It never did. We weren’t ready to just… accept that.
Because we didn’t move, we have more freedom to do what we want to do, like take trips and enjoy life a little more as family. Because we didn’t move, I am more grateful and am working hard on instilling that in my children… Because we didn’t move… I can keep going but I won’t bore you.
Again, it’s a completely different situation for everyone.
This is the lifestyle choice we made for us. And we’re just grateful. For every little bit of it.
Memories
Each home comes with its own set of memories. We will make them no matter where we go. But I know that if we’d moved two years ago, maybe I wouldn’t have so much time to spend with my children.
We probably wouldn’t have taken the silly amount of time that we did to decorate the inside of a dollhouse with Emerson. Maybe we wouldn’t play dress up, or build forts or have dance parties and sing at the top of our lungs to Frozen and Wrecking Ball. (Wait… what? Jk. Only alone in the car-guilty pleasure.)
I realize that where we live – our home is not dependent on that. But I know first hand that the memories made here in this home, have been perfect for us, even in the mostly imperfect moments. Life with kids can be crazy. And we will cherish them forever.
And no thing can ever replace it.
So when will we move?
I don’t know. But just like parenting, just like school, just like our phase in life, I know it’s right for where we are, on our own path right now. We’re so grateful for the invaluable lessons learned.
And that’s all that matters.
Stephanie says
I LOVE this post and it hit so close to home! My husband and I live with our two dogs in a 3,000 sq ft home outside of DC that he bought right before we got married. We get “reminded” way too often that we should think about “upgrading” when we have kids because this home won’t be large enough. It drives me nuts! When our home was built 30 years ago this was a family neighborhood and I truly can’t imagine that any kids were suffering from lack of space to play and create and make memories. It makes me so sad to think about how family dynamics have changed so much that once nice family homes are now considered too small if it means that parents and children may actually have to interact and share spaces.
I hope this comment doesn’t sound negative – all this to say, I love your post!
Val says
Love it Ashley! I couldn’t agree more!
Michelle Wilkes says
Thank you for saying it. I needed to hear it. My mom actually read your post and emailed me that I needed to read it. We are also staying in our average home (2435 sq ft) with 5 kids… 7 of us, and I feel right about it. It was so good to hear someone else who made that choice a little bit ahead of us. I actually started making a mental list of pros and cons like: If we get a bigger house, we’ll have more room… if we stay, we can afford braces for the kids, a nice violin for my daughter, a newer car, a trip for our 15 yr. anniversary, nice furnishings for the house, we can be generous and help out other people… or we can have more room…
you get it.
Thanks for putting it all into words better than I could.
Bekah says
This is prob my fave blog post you’ve ever had. So much truth.
Here are my 2 favorite things from it:
#1: “And by next house, I mean no one really cares.” I truly LOL’d at that one! 😉
#2: The picture of Jamin playing with Emerson’s hair. I die of complete daddy-daughter sweetness! 🙂
Love you guys!
Jeanne says
Ashley, thank you. I just turned 40 in December. I work full-time out of the house. I have a wonderful husband who built half the furniture in our home. I am the mother of 3 sweet and exasperating girls (ages 6, 3 and 6 months). We live in a small home built in the late 1890s (about 1,000 sq ft give or take with 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom – when daughter #2 came along we added the master bedroom and more space to our living room, creating a new entryway/foyer). I don’t know if it’s the turning 40 part, the fact it’s the middle of winter in the Northeast, or the 3 kiddos, but I’ve been feeling down about our house lately. We have nowhere to go to escape the noise generated by our older daughters. That sounds trite, but I think you can understand what I mean. Don’t get me wrong, they are having a ball, laughing, shrieking, running about like little banshees. They are utilizing every part of our home, which I love. But, (there’s always a “but” isn’t there?!) the “kid-clutter” gets overwhelming (your posts about trying to tame the “consumerism” especially around birthdays and holidays resonated with me) and I am currently trying to figure out a way to stylishly hide it while still allowing easy access for the girls. I’m sorry for the long post, but lately I’ve been scouring blogs and Pintrest looking at rugs and new sofas and flat screen tvs, all in an effort to update, refresh, our living space, me, I don’t know. But, we’re not made of money, and we have some minor debt from the holidays, and I don’t want to accumulate more. I have done some rearranging in our master bedroom, and that’s helping satisfy my desire for creating a calm space. It’s definitely an uphill battle, especially with the increase of blogs and social media, allowing us to be voyeurs. More access means more chances to compare ourselves to “the Jones’s” down the road. I have to find the right balance between style and function. I just wanted to pop in here and thank you again for voicing what I’ve been feeling lately. I think I’ll bookmark this post so I can read it over and over. Cheers!
Shawna says
Love this post! We moved into our very first house last August. The whole process was very eye-opening. We chose an older house with lots of space (~2300 sf), and lots of work required. It is already completely worth it for the experience of physically making it our home. I wouldn’t a trade it for the world!
Marie says
I love this post. We live in 2800 sf with 7 people and our house is small compared to many in our area. We’ve also thought about moving, but there is such a sense of peace having a smaller mortgage and smaller spaces to maintain. We have two teenagers now and it’s easy to keep tabs on them without being obvious in a smaller house. I can just listen and have a pretty good idea where each person is and what they’re doing.
Ange says
I’ve just found your blog and stumbled upon this post. What an amazing attitude you have towards life! I’m delighted that your personal journey has also resulted in such personal transformation and how you’ve tracked your family’s development along the way- thanks for sharing; your responses to life are refreshing and insightful and you are all so much the richer and wiser as a result!
Love it xx
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Agne! ;}
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you Ange!
missy says
Everything about you makes me smile 🙂 You are on the right path!!! Stay there….continue to shine the way!!!
Sassymamiof4 says
What a great article/entry. I just came across this and boy it spoke to me. My husband and I, with our 4 kids and 2 german shepherd kids, were just this past week considering moving from our 3900 sq ft home to a 6000 sq ft home, which would have cost us an additional $1200 per month, plus larger utility and landscaping bills. But something didn’t feel right about thinking of a move. After considering what really mattered to us as a family, we are staying put and purging our stuff. We realized we value time with each other and traveling here and there and having some money left at the end of the month to stash away. The stress of a large mortgage and more bills left than money at the end of the month is not for us. So, we will stop looking for a beautiful place and make our place beautiful:).
ANN W says
Once again – thank you for the post – I read your blog daily – but apparently I missed this one;) This really spoke to my soul today – thank you!!
I have find myself carried away in what everyone else has deemed the “American Dream” – I have bought in to it. I mean hook, line and sinker – and a few years ago – while visiting Africa – I was smacked in the face with the joy, contentment, happiness and peace that flowed from the homes – the mud huts – with leaky roofs – outdoor cooking facilities (even in the rainy season) – no bathroom – let alone 2.5 bathrooms! – and I suddenly realized it is not the house that brings you all those things you seek – but the people who dwell in it!
A house is the shelter for the “home” inside!! The house shape, color, size – doesn’t matter – yes these ladies would carve designs on the dirt floors to make them pretty – and make quilts for the beds and make these beautiful red mud huts “Beautiful” – with their smiles, joy and touches of “home”!
I felt “soul full” being invited in – welcomed – offered what little they had – the only seat in the house – the last bit of food – and ALL the joy, happiness and laughter they had to offer!
WOW – amazing!!! That is when I asked myself – whose American Dream am I living? The person next doors, the marketers for the latest “craze”, the “perfect, soccer mom” across the street?
I want to live my “Jesus Dream” not the “American Dream” – and in that journey – it has been amazing!! A 500 sq foot house – in a barn, 8 acres to take care of, trees to prune and train, bluebirds to marvel at, robins to smile at, meadow larks to watch and listen to – wow amazing how the call of a meadow lark can instantly make you smile, take a deep breath, stop what you are doing and just enjoy the moment! Standing in total and utter freedom, peace and happiness – with my son down at the “pond” finding snails, my husband working up the garden, the smell of earth, the sounds of spring, and life exploding around me!
Now THAT is my “Jesus Dream” that is amazing and beyond what I could have ever thought !!!!!
And this week it all came together for me – I found out my friend is moving into a HUGE, BEAUTIFUL house – like my “old” dream house – and I could feel TOTAL and UTTER HAPPINESS! Because that is HER Jesus Dream – and I had not one feeling of envy – which to be honest shocked me – and then released me completely to jump up and down with her and love every minute of the house tour! My heat is truly and utterly happy for her and totally and utterly happy with my home!
Thank you so much for your honest – soul sharing posts! They encourage me so often through the week and inspire me to embrace the next “phase” of the dream!
ashley @ the handmade home says
I LOVE this, Ann! This is just so great! ;} Thank you for sharing this. ;}
bridget b. says
i love this. thanks for putting into words exactly how i feel. the more stuff you buy = the longer/harder you have to work to afford it and the more space you need to store it all. i strive to be content with the things that we have and a huge part of that is (as you stated) to stop keeping up with the joneses and what we believe are other people’s expectations of us. it’s an internal battle at times, but it’s so worth it in the end.
Morgan says
I love that you hate those commercials too! I always changed the channel and then we canceled cable (not because of the commercials :), just too much money for too many channels we never watch). Now we just use Roku and I don’t have to see those commecials anymore!
Sandra Graham says
You are a lady after my own heart as was a farm girl my parents didn’t have rches one thing they had was hospitality our home was open to all & family was so important to all of us so now that have been through the too much money too little thrift so appreciare the ability to make my own things & recycle what thought was throw out & to my surprise have so much fun decorating, painting & using my art courses to make my home really me .
Stephanie says
A month ago, my husband and I were getting ready to talk to an architect about creating our perfect, dream home plans (which, ironically, would have been in the 2500-2600 square foot range…size is so very relative, yes?). When we bought our starter home, we only planned to live in its less-than-1300-square-feet for only 5 years or so, but with a low mortgage and some minor work that made it our cozy haven, we’ve overstayed that welcome by almost double. A set of twins and one-on-the-way later, and people have gone so far as to say “you have GOT to have a bigger house,” but we’ve been in no hurry to leave. Lately, something’s been stirring in my heart…something I can’t shake…something to which you can relate…and recently, He stepped in, dared us to take a huge leap of faith, and totally re-wrote our five year plan. Yesterday, we placed a bid on a two-year-old, repo’ed double wide in almost-new condition, and this girl who said she’d never live in a trailer is actually getting excited about the prospect.
You see, I currently bring in significantly more income than my husband, but my heart has been longing to stay home with my children – an impossible dream that I have not even allowed myself to wear for the past two-and-a-half years, but a month ago, God reminded me of Matthew 9:26 and asked me to define “impossible” and better yet determine “impossible for who” in light of that verse. I didn’t have any answers for Him, so I allowed myself to start wearing that dream…and, then, we decided to MAKE IT HAPPEN (with His help, of course).
Doing the impossible started with us majorly cutting expenses. Number 1: determining how to get rid of our mortgage – cue the double wide that we could pay for with cash (that would have been the down payment for our new home). The advantages aside from the obvious lack of debt and the potential that I might get to spend more time at home: we get to go ahead and move on our land and enjoy it now (and if we ever do build the “dream house,” our children will already call the land “home”), over 500 more square feet (!), an actual laundry room, lots more storage, an extra bedroom, a playroom for the kids, and the potential to turn this into an income property if we ever do move (there’s quite a demand for such rentals in our small, southern town). Now, there are a LOT of mental hurdles to get over when comparing ourselves to the Joneses and living in a home on wheels, but we have decided to let all that go…priorities take precedence, and we decided we can’t put a price on spending that extra time with our littles. Home is not the space and certainly not the size of the space. Home is what you make it…it’s where the people are. I am sure there will come a time here and there when I resent our trailer, but I hope I always remember that God used that little house on wheels to show my family how big He is and how much He loves us and wants our dreams to come true…even when we don’t know what they are and even the impossible ones. A month ago, I thought my dream was to have a bigger house…today, I know my true dream was even bigger…to have a bigger faith.
HeidiAnn Geiger says
This is an excellent, well written post. I love your ideas. Thanks for teaching contentment; it is so needed in today’s society. 🙂 Just fyi, for a large family in a small space, you might want to check out David Jill Noyes Rodrigues… with 11 kids and living in a bus… and LOVING it! 😀