I will totally bounce on the bouncy house, eat aaaalllll of the candy when they’re not looking despite my best efforts at self control… and we’ll probably turn the house into Harry Potter world all in the name of Halloween this year. It’s one of our very favorite holidays, after all. But this time around, I must confess, I’m feeling quite disturbed by the abrupt discovery of things that just don’t rock my world anymore. Or maybe I’m drawing the line somewhere for the sake of all of our sanity as a reformed creativeaholic. I’m reeling it in, y’all.
I don’t know when, but I woke up one morning and just felt a bit too, um… lacking in the spritely department to be bothered. I’m calling it like it is, so without further ado, things I’m too old for {in the parental department} this Halloween:
exhibit a of losing my mind: Blanket stitching.
1. To fuss over all. of. the costumes.
All of the handmade, blanket-stitched, made-from-scratch costumes. Once upon a time, it was my passion. I had such a blast doing it. {I applaud anyone who does} Babies are basically sacks of potatoes and I was merely reveling in the moment while we had a good run. It was like they weren’t sleeping, so let’s up the crazy factor to another notch even though I can’t sew, and make something that showcases how adorable the offspring are. It all makes perfect sense, yes? When we added Emerson to our sprog collection is when the whole coordinate-all-the-things-o-ramma began, and the kids have chosen their coordinating costumes every year since… even though we’ve given them many an out. It’s an official Mills tradition, though the choices have undeniably gotten, well, a bit simpler with time.
Efforts waning, reality settled in.
I quickly learned the hard way that we were just one romp {and juicy ketchup covered hotdog} on the moonwalk at our local Fall Festival away from catastrophe. It’s all fun and games until something rips, because before you know it, I’m knocking a hoard of bouncing, sock footed kids out of the way and diving slow-mo for a feather that was dropped from Peter Pan’s hat in the middle of the giant bouncy house all in the name of preserving handmade costumes for Halloween. It must be worn twice! Is always the mantra of the season. And feathers are important, after all.
I’m pretty sure I form tackled another parent, and a three year old stepped on my face. Twice. I was not going back to Michael’s.
Today, I’m basically one step away from buying three white sheets and adding eyeholes a-la Charlie Brown, because I think we need to bring back the classics. I’m pretty sure my parents threw a plastic bib and Cookie Monster mask from the local Piggly Wiggly over my face for a good nights’ fun, circa 1981. We’re all just lucky we still exist if we’re from that generation, because those aforementioned cookie monster eye holes were not to today’s standard of safety, and they were probably made from non-organic plastic. Hello, our playground slides were metal and the ground was, well, dirt. We should totally all sue our parents.
I’ve wisened up over time, and you can slowly see my efforts start to wane, as soon as the offspring moved too much. The audacity. I’ve decided if I want to sew something, I must spend time directly proportional to the amount of possible damage it will receive, and then decide if it’s still worth the effort. A good test would be to run over it about five times in the driveway, and see how it holds up. After dousing it in ungodly amounts of Hawaiian Fruit punch, smeared snickers bars and a dash of Nerds. Maybe a little dog poop for extra fun because by the end of the night they’ll also be donning a mystery smell. The answer will always be no.
Fast forward to 2014, and see me, looking for simple ideas a-la Walmart, except I’ve officially upped the anté of efficiency, and gone all Amazon.com regarding all orders. Because a. I’m lazy and b. Walmart.
2. Things that look like body parts.
Particularly of the food genre. And eating them. At parties.
Y’all. I can barely wash dishes in standing water because food floats and it will inevitably touch your hand. First world conundrums and stuff, but I’m truly convinced that we can still conserve water while using the running variety to clean said dishes. Baths are on the same level. They’ve always freaked me out because I was basically cooking in my own filth, and if I think about it too long, I will regress. Welcome to my issues.
Eating food from someone else’s house always comes with the risk of finding a hair, just trusting that their cat wasn’t on the counter while it was prepped, and assuming they washed their hands after touching their toe cheese. The things we take for granted.
So, I find that eating a cookie while trying not to pretend it’s the toe of a vampire, or a werewolf’s eyeball, is the visual needed to send this germaphobe over the top when it comes to party spreads of the potluck genre. Especially from massive unknown sources. It just takes the formidable possibilities to a whole new level, and I can no longer ignore the over thinker within.
So, when did prepping it all to look like dismembered body parts become a thing? I don’t remember that when I was little. I recall the adorable variety of pumpkin shaped goodies from my days of yore, not eyeball soup, brain matter cupcakes and ingrown toenail cookies.
I’m too old for a sugar hangover, let alone muscling my way through the gag reflex all in the name of a polite swig of eyeball juice at our fiftieth Halloween partay. Wheeee!
3. Scary Movies
Bring on Freddy, Jason and all things chainsaw scary, because once upon a time, I was absolutely obsessed with them. The creepier the better, and even into my adult years, I would fearlessly schedule movie dates with my friends and we would sneak out for girls night/good old fashioned scream fest.
But then something happened.
It’s all fun and games until your husband is out of town and you find a hairnet on your dresser. I pull the kids into the bed with me because… duh. They get scared, and I’m just being a good mom.
Shhhhh.
I can’t decide if it’s because I don’t have time to be stressed over fake situations, or I’m lacking the sheer energy to make it through scary scenes. I probably just reworded the same problem twice. It’s too taxing on my delicate parental senses. The Walking Dead is still one of our faves and I do find myself oddly obsessed with all things zombie apocalypse but I believe it’s because we must all be prepared.
Duh.
So… I won’t be watching scary movies when the kids go to bed this year, because my Facebook feed is frightening enough. Nowadays, I get my daily dose of anxiety from the latest Isis/Ebola/Walmart incident, thankyouverymuch. It’s like a first come, first serve in an all you can eat buffet of daily news stories and all things real-life scary.
The struggle is real, and in five years you may find me living in a bunker.
If old means not eating hairy toenail cookies, then call me Betty White. Rips and tears, and food obsessions be darned, we hope you have a blast this Halloween. We will… despite my borderline obsessive germaphobe paranoia tendencies.
It’s how you stay alive, after all.
Hope you guys have a blast and a safe time this Halloween, no matter what avenue you choose! Enjoy your scary movies, ingrown toenail cupcakes and amazing homemade costume concoctions!
You can see more of the deats {and how tos} from ghosts of Halloweens past here!
Janet says
A much needed belly laugh this morning. So true! The older I get, the more cautious I’ve become- there’s something about becoming a parent. Thank you for this!
Debra says
Halloween has become overwhelming! Just put out a pumpkin, buy a costume for the kids, send Dad out trick or treating with kids, make a pot of chili, and turn on the front light. All the interior decor stuff is more for the decorating madness we share than it is for the kids. Let’s save that madness for our grand finale…Christmas!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Haha! That’s my kind of Halloween! Amen.
Kris P says
Yup. Carve the pumpkin, Amazon prime costume and $20 bucks shot on the Good candy. I deserve the good stuff!
Valerie Mitchell says
Thanks for making me smile this morning!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA glad I could help! Clearly I have issues ;}
Shelley | Crazy Wonderful says
It’s like you’re inside my head! We could easily be paranoid sisters separated at birth 😀
Elisabeth says
Ha! I love the costumes and making them though I haven’t had Halloweed plans in a few years and well, have no kids (and I do sew so there’s that). But I am SO with you on the body-part shaped food. What is that?! So gross! And the other thing I could do without is all the gore-decorations. Like I saw this set of wall/floor decals at Target that were no joke bloody foot and hand-prints. Um, not ok. There are indeed enough terrible, awful things happening in this world and I certainly don’t think we need to decorate like we’ve experienced one of them! Scary is one thing but blood-bath is another. PS Your kids are totally adorable no matter what they are/are not wearing!
Rach says
Too funny becasie I’m the exact same way with all of this! (And my 9 year old is going as hermione and I said “cut off your dads old church shirt”) and that is basically the extent of the costume this year.
We are also headed to a potluck tomorrow where I will be eating before hand as usual. : )
Happy Halloween to your fam! Cute kids in their costumes…