I shared this post last year, at 35. And I turned 36 on Sunday. After another year… one filled with happiness and difficulties and waiting and learning to be content in that waiting… I just felt it fitting to share again. Maybe if only a reminder to myself. Cheers to the cusp of a fresh beginning. And cheers to hopes of turning that book page to a fresh chapter, no matter what your chapter looks like.
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I turned 35 on Saturday.
And there’s something about birthdays, that just make you think. It’s one of those little milestone occasions that have you sitting back, saying… wow. Is this really happening? Did I blink and suddenly, I’m a certified grown up? {There’s something about 35 that kind of makes you official. I was only faking it at 21-30ish} And the most frightening of all: Am I really in charge of three offspring?
Scary.
You can’t do anything about birthdays and they come every year. But 35 is a bit daunting. Here I am, fumbling through life, and boom. We’re another year older. My mom told me on the phone, “You’re still just a baby!” But I’m officially out of my 20’s {It’s been that way for some time now, I’ve just been in total denial} and halfway to 40.
Forty.
“Just so we’re clear,” I announced to anyone who would listen, “I will be celebrating 35, from here on out.”
I know. Cue the laughter from my gracefully elder counterparts. I probably sound like a total idiot and need to get over myself.
The last two years are what we consider a collection of growing pains for our family. A taste of the fact that life can just be hard sometimes, and a few personal things. We have so much to be thankful for, but real, grown up life… kind of makes me want to retreat to a blanket fort and color and just pretend in general not to be one, a-la-kindergarten mode. What happened to the happily ever after picket fence idealism via Norman Rockwell and all things Disney Princess movies? I never thought through any of that in my college days.
I don’t want to figure out life. Life is hard.
Go away, grown up world.
I’m still waiting for my Adult Preparedness Kit I was supposed to receive, all packed up neatly in some well designed, highly marketable packaging to help me take on all the things. They make Zombie Preparedness kits with cool axes. Except this would help with issues like unrealistic expectations and impending disappointment and mortgages are no fun and all things parenthood. Yep. Looks like they’d figure out a marketing gig for that one, which is probably ridiculous amounts of coping mechanisms, and oh wait, we already do that.
That. I’ll take that. With a side of lots of chocolate that makes you magically skinny.
But in our defense, I also have to say, they’ve been two of our best years. The kind where we feel like we’ve risen to the moment with our proverbial-braveheart-grown up, tackle-the-things-that-come battle axes {that were not included in our pretend grown up kit} and fought our way back to where we need to be. {That, and lots of prayer, if we’re being completely honest.}
Guesses as to why they don’t offer adulthood kits in the decor section of Target aside, Jamin and I don’t celebrate birthdays with gifts much- I mean we recognize the day for each other, but with presents I’m all, Thanks for the boots I chose three months earlier! while I push ‘order’ on amazon. Jamin went to a football game/guys weekend and I said Happy Birthday!
We’re good. The end.
But every now and then we’ll pull out all the stops and do a surprise kinda gig. And this year, he surprised me. Bless him, this man who puts up with me daily – my crazy ideas, pretend boyfriend/celebrity designer crushes and borderline frightening overactive imagination. He planned a trip to the spa – a massage and a pedi/mani, just for me.
Let’s just air this one out: I am not a spa girl. Nor am I a get-on-facebook-and-brag-about-my-husband, girl. See: easily embarrassed. This story totally has a point. I’ve had one massage in my life… and the last time I had my nails did was two years ago for a wedding. I would hang my head in shame but aintnobodygottimeforthat. At first I was kind of wondering why he would do such a thing to me… and then I calmed down and actually enjoyed it.
So I was sitting there, relishing in my pedi after said massage {apparently, I have lots of knots in my neck from working and being wound super tight like a weirdo chihuahua-surprise!} when this man walked in and sat in the chair bedside me.
He immediately made me smile because I love seeing people out of their usual ‘zones’, doing something new. He could have been my dad, a pedi virgin {per the super funny pedi gal} and was celebrating 40 years of marriage that day with his wife. There he sat, this juxtaposition embodied, checking his phone for the football score. Jeans rolled up and feet in the little foot tub, he was ready. And he’d been listening to my not-so-deep thoughts on class reunions in an idle conversation with another gal.
You know that moment, when an older person speaks, and you just know they’re about to hand you a pearl of wisdom? This was one of those moments, because he said this: “You know what? Every class reunion… (and I just went to my 40th) gets better. The tenth was a little awkward because no one could remember each other, but the twentieth was better… and then the thirtieth and the fortieth… most people kind of let go of their old selves and grow, and it just …gets better.”
And I started thinking about those milestones. I missed my tenth because I’d just had a baby and couldn’t be bothered, but the twentieth to me, sounds kind of intriguing. When his wife came into the room, I congratulated them on forty years, and realized that I’m looking forward to that. He said, “We were college sweethearts. You watch your kids grow up together, and do so many things… It only gets better.”
Because I’m starting to actually believe what I’ve always heard- you just get better with age.
Life just gets better with age.
Sure. Life is hard. It’s the age old mantra/truth our parents always told us when we complained… it’s just not fair. And you have to learn to roll with those punches. I’ve realized, life can be painful, and it needs to be. Because that truly is the process of growth. And growing makes me a better, more empathetic, genuine person.
If you’re not growing, you’re stagnant. Stagnant is such a dirty word to me. Like algae-filled water unfit to drink or brittle, thorn-riddled fields. Plants are that way. They’re dying if they’re not growing. And to be stuck somewhere, feels a bit like that on the inside, doesn’t it?
Growth is like peeling away hardened layers. They can cut deep into the quick, and it hurts. It’s painful. But that growth can leave us better for it when we heal because we decided to push through it.
Nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy.
I started to think about friends who are just a little farther down that path, and have truly helped me begin to cultivate the art of self confidence… I’m so thankful for them. {One of them, in particular, I affectionately refer to as my pep squad. I know she relishes in the title – cue the sarcasm} But I’m starting to embrace my flaws and work with them, even the things I once scowled at, and criticized in the mirror.
I would look weird without my nose, and I spent so many years wishing it were smaller. And my thighs actually look pretty darn good, if I do say so myself, now that I’ve had time to appreciate them. And all those little imperfections I’ve always let bother me, are just a part of life, and one well lived. They make me, me. I’m working on it, and I’m having to train myself, but I’m not dwelling on them anymore.
We’re all on our own path. And each path looks completely different. And all those paths come together as part of a plan that’s bigger than any of us. I’m working on those insecurities – the things that I’ve always allowed to hold me back… I’m starting to shed those habits of thinking in childish ways, and leave them behind in the passing years.
It’s the things I’ve told myself for some time… that I’ve heard for a while and quietly repeated to myself, waiting for it to happen. I’m actually starting to see it. If you allow yourself to grow and learn, it can’t help but just get better.
So with a birthday, and on the cusp of the new year standing wide open in front of all of us, I want to say that we’re all just getting started, in our own way. This is just the beginning, if you think about it. Yes, all those paths are different, but we all struggle and grow and reinvent ourselves and process and learn and that’s the beauty of who we are. It’s what makes us stronger. With that fresh slate we press forward and we’re better and wiser for it. That’s the glorious part we play, living in an imperfect world, and realizing we’re not in control. Because we’re a part of a plan that’s bigger than us. And I find the fact that we’re ever changing beings, awesomely refreshing, even if it’s hard.
I looked at Jamin that night, as we celebrated at dinner and gave him a recap of my sudden revelation… blinded by the Christmas bokeh from outside, and the wonderful hope of new possibilities, it felt appropriate. The world was sparkling.
“It only gets better!” I exclaimed. I was totally having a moment, there in the corner of the restaurant, ready to embrace 35 for the first time ever.
And he nodded, with a knowing smile, humoring me like he usually does, this man who has sat with me since my nineteenth birthday, and watched every single transition for sixteen years. I remembered, as I usually do, this is one of the many reasons that I love him. I’m not-so-secretly glad it’s him that I get to experience 35 with. And hopefully many more.
Because this, is just the beginning.
And it only gets better.
Pam M says
First of all, Happy Birthday!! Secondly, I love this. True words of wisdom. I just turned 40 this year and, really, I don’t mind. I love having someone to grow old with. I’m much more comfortable with myself. Even those flaws that I hate are like – “Eh, whatever.” It does suck just a little bit, though. I wrote a short thought on that if you’re interested. http://stillplayinghouse.com/2014/12/04/forty-kind-of-sucks/
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hey girl! Read it and loved it – tried to leave a comment and I think I’m just challenged in that area sometimes because I couldn’t log in? Anyway, it sounds to me like 40 really kinda rocks because you’re hilarious, and it’s all about laughing at yourself, right? Because if you can’t do that… what can you do? ;} LOVE it.
Pam M says
It’s either laugh or cry. Laughter is much better. Actually, aging is not a bad thing. I’ve loved you blog for a long time. Thank you for taking time to read my post. You rock!
Brie says
Happy Birthday and thank you for the beautiful reflection.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Brie! ;}
Joelle says
Yup. Over 60 and still not feeling like a grown up. I feel like an imposter at work and in other aspects of the adult world. I think if I fully embraced adulthood I might just shrivel up. But your mom is right- you ARE a baby.
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA! ROCK on!!!
CSmith says
That comment about letting go of your old self is so very, very true. And, it’s a great thing! I think in your 30’s and 40’s you really start to let go of all of the expectations that your parents, and spouses, and children, and LIFE put on you and you really start to become who you want to be.
ashley @ the handmade home says
YES – and I think you nailed it on the head with family. Our families can be incredible and they {usually} truly only want the best for us. I am, however, a people pleaser to the core, and it’s taken me a looooooong time to get past that, and vocalize it honestly, as well. It took some time but my personal relationships have become better with my family, because of it. There’s just something so hard about being an adult! ;}
Angela R says
Happy birthday! Love your reflection posts!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Angela!
April says
Sweet post and does give this thirty-something some hope that it will get better. Being an adult is not fun….we just had to shop for new health insurance for our family (thanks to Obamacare my company can no longer afford to provide it) and get new tires (unexpectedly…of course) and pay for some continuing education that I need before the end of the year. Thankful that we’ve learned enough from life experiences and from being married since we were 21 and 25 that you need a lot saved for a rainy day. We’ve had a rainy month. But we’ve learned enough to know that we can get back on track…it will take intention, sacrifice and just good ol’ hard work…but we will be fine. It’s so nice to have that person you can depend on and share life with that just gets you. So glad you have one too and Happy Birthday!
ashley @ the handmade home says
I get it April! That can be so hard. We’ve had our own expenses here lately too with surgery, doggy chemo (totally our choice- no regrets) etc. Being a grown up can be no fun sometimes! But it’s just part of the ride. 🙂 thank you for your sweet words! Thinking of you.
Laura Putnam says
And it is the posts like these that make me so glad you are a blogger and I get to read your blog – and that you are my friend!!!! Happy Birthday sweet girl – and it does only get better. However, let me tell you sometime about my high school reunions – those only get worse!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Bahahaha booooo Highschool reunions! Awe soglad to call you friend! 🙂 hugs to you- miss you!
Jenny says
I’m so thankful someone put this into words! I feel the exact same way about getting older: wishing there was a “grown-up” package — yet realizing the best is yet to come. Great post!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thanks Jenny. We can do it! 🙂
Kerry says
Happy bday Ashley! Great attitude!! I had a baby at 39 and thought ‘what the what? Where? Why? How? Who me? Whaaaaat?’ And 40 has been — interesting, let’s just say ; ) But laughter is key. hUGE! And it does get better and better in so many ways. And yes God has an awesome sense of humor plus loads of Grace I obviously couldn’t live without!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Love it, Kerry! Amen to humor and grace!
Cathy | the Grit and Polish says
You nailed it, Ashley! I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more accurate (or at least accurate to me) account of aging. I’m a couple of years behind you and was already dreading 35, but this makes it seem a whole lot less daunting. I’m definitely bookmarking this to come back to every year. Great post! Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thanks Cathy! We can do this! I’m going to be the older lady with awesome class who knows how to have fun and makes everyone feel loved in her presence that everyone wants to be. It’s like my goal in life. We’re going to rock it!
Becky says
Happy birthday! You are right, it does get better. I’m 53 and though it sorta hurts saying that out loud it’s ok. You’ll be fine. Lots of changes in life for me and my husband, especially with watching our children grow up, our youngest is a college freshman, but it’s been mostly good stuff. I do like the idea of that magic chocolate though!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Yes! Life and those curve balls are so scary. We’re facing one right now- but chocolate is always my comforting constant. You rock!
Michael @ Crafty Dad.com says
Happy belated Birthday!
35 was a long time ago for me.
But…I can attest to the fact that it DOES get better. A lot better.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve found what used to matter really doesn’t matter too much any more.
I’ve found that family and friends and relationships are the biggies.
And my heart has grown three sizes bigger too. In the ‘old’ days I knew I had a soul. Now, at 53, my soul is overflowing with the blessings of life.
Let’s not kid ourselves. Sometimes life totally sucks. And sometimes it seems like it’s going to suck forever. But it doesn’t.
Thank God.
So…I wish you many years of ‘better’. There’s a lot of it out there. Sometimes you just have to look for it.
And when you find it. GRAB it (with both hands) and hang on tight.
Blessings,
Michael
ashley @ the handmade home says
So true Michael! Amen! And thank you! 🙂
Aubrey says
Happy Birthday!
I turned 30 this year, and my year so far really sucked. I keep telling myself it geats better, so thanks for this – I needed someone else to kick me in the butt and second that motion.
Love it!
ashley @ the handmade home says
It does get better- and I always look at it as an opportunity to rise oh-so-awesomely to the occasion! You can do this- thinking of you! 🙂 just know you’re not alone
Rose L. says
As you get older you must get used to imperfections. Genetics do play a role as well!!
An adult prep kit is such a nice idea. Unfortunately there is not a one fix all for growing “pains.”
ashley @ the handmade home says
There is plastic surgery… Hmmmm 😉
Stephanie C. says
Happy Birthday!! It sounds like you had a wonderful day! Great post too, I also have a hard time believing I am in my 30s and responsible for a couple of little people, and all the general housewifery that has to get always get accomplished. I am finding that if I am more accepting of the fact that change will make me better, the easier it is to deal with in the moment, when it might not seem so great.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you Stephanie! So true! 🙂
Jenn @ EngineerMommy says
Well written post…. and fabulous attitude that it only gets better!!
Sarah says
These are the kind of posts that make me think “this chick is awesome – wish I knew her in real life” (in a totally non-stalkery internet creeper kinda way, I promise!). I turned the big 3-0 this year, and it was funny…I didn’t feel old at all until someone said “so you’re like a legit GROWNUP now, huh?” I am sure the look on my face was priceless, lol. I especially loved the parts where you talk about your husband, and how he puts up with the craziness. I have been with my husband since I was nineteen, and he has put up with more than his fair share of insanity…somehow he loves me anyway…
Love your blog, love your writing style – I will continue to visit and read!
mary beth at MBZ Interiors says
Every day is a great day, no matter your age, especially when you have family to share your days with. Happy Birthday!
Caroline says
Beautiful post. I hate to admit it but I found turning 31 a tad difficult (shame on me). 2 years ago we swapped England for Canada and everything seems so much more difficult than the school/Uni years, you post has inspired me to start looking for the positives in things. We are this a great adventure with each other and with 1child and another on the way, I have so much to be grateful for. Anyway I’m going on – thank you x
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you for your sweet words, Caroline. I needed to read it again, myself! I find myself slipping into those old thoughts and old ways of negativity and it can be hard… I know! I still don’t want to be an adult… thinking of you as you go through life’s transitions.
Danae | Made2Make says
I’ve been a reader for a long time and have enjoyed following along on your journey but have never felt compelled to comment until now. I remember reading this post last year and at the time it didnt really apply to my life. But after living through this past year, reading the same post again really hit home and touched my heart. I’m 29 years old and this past September we unexpectedly lost our twin girls at 22 weeks. With a birthday just around the corner – my 30th – it has felt so scary these past few months. Not because of getting older but because what should’ve been here with me as I celebrate a milestone will never be. This post today came to me when I needed to hear it most and I just wanted to say thank you. Despite all the pain we’ve experienced these last few months it’s helpful to be reminded that these painful times are preparing us for growth and the better times ahead.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Wow Danae. Prayers and thoughts and hugs and tears for you. There are no words. Thank you for sharing… But it’s a part of your awesome story. I can’t wait to see where it takes you from here.
Manette Gutterman says
Happy belated birthday and I can understand completely. I’m turning 44 ( i thought I was turning 43) in a week. I haven’t had my nails done since my wedding 18 years ago and a massage once in ’98. I don’t do anything for myself right down to forgetting to get my needs at the grocery everytime I go. It’s sad but the only thing I want is new glasses and Hod willing contacts if my bad eyes can still wear them and a chiropractor to fix my displaced vertebrae haha. A tummy tuck is a pipe dream that may never be. Bask in still having your mama saying such sweetness to you. I’d give anything to talk to my mom again. And do something for yourself more often!