It hit me the other day. It’s something I’ve realized for a while, but it kind of smacked me in the face, this time around. A real epiphany. A mack truck barreling it’s way down the nearest proverbial exit ramp where I sat, completely unaware.
I may or may not have been enjoying a nice healthy dose of what Jamin vehemently refers to as ‘girl porn’ in the form of a sparkly vampire love story designed with unrealistic expectations for females everywhere, a chick flick with a friend of mine in the theatre. In between giggling at one of Jasper’s ominously few lines (that I’m sure he was totally over paid for) I was all, Go ahead. Makeout in your ridiculously modern Rio honeymoon getaway. You’re about to have a mutant baby. And I realized this, somewhere in between my sick conflicting interest of total desire to throw popcorn at the screen and swoon like a teenager:
I don’t remember what it was like just being ‘us.’ You know. Before the hubster and myself lost our minds, and things got complicated. Rather than moving to Hawaii and being irresponsible for a few years like normal people, we did the polar opposite and brought a tiny life into the world. It’s like this sub-stage of amnesia. My life before children…is a foggy state of disarray.
We’ve finally emerged from survival mode. The kind where you nurse the baby from the sofa while you throw cheerios at the younger two like chickens. The kind where all three children have been sleeping through the night for a while, and are actually IN THEIR OWN BEDS {Kind of. Parental karma will now smite me.} Don’t get me wrong. It’s not easy. We’re just not in that awkward stage of I want to smack Jamin in the face and stab my eyeballs out when I wake up in the mornings.
So, today, I thought I’d share the new norm, since my world was violently rocked by multiple tiny offspring. The newly established rules are as follows:
1. Eating out is the direct equivalent to paying for utter misery. The last time we tried a nice family meal at a restaurant other than the golden arches variety, Aiden proclaimed he had the voms because of tea belly, Emerson had to go to the bathroom on three different occasions to yield absolutely no results, and Malone wailed inconsolably from his seat about not wanting his pizza he’d firmly requested ten minutes earlier with his two year old demanding fists of iron. By the time we were ready to eat, they were finished. Why pay moolah for the pain? Order in, and ignore your children from the comfort of your own kitchen.
2. We regularly injure our feet on tiny fragments of ridiculous toys.
3. Getting together with friends means our conversations resort to screaming over the children. No. seriously. Throw in four couples + 9 small children. Let the kids play, and watch how quickly the noise levels rise. Why is everything so loud?
4. I cleaned the house yesterday. You couldn’t tell after one hour. This rule applies every time. Home on the market = my death sentence. Complicating this issue is the fact that I’m in party planning mode. I waver violently between the pay-someone-else-to-do-this-crap-and-call-it-a-day and oh-em-gee-let’s-build-a-lemonade-stand-while-we-turn-cartwheels-and-hand-mold-our-own-balloons variety. I love to hate high maintenance stuff. So I’m sorting, the toys are everywhere after a few contained implosions, and my youngest two decided to pull the kitchen curtains down. They were swinging from them like monkeys. I should have had a clue when I heard the monkey noises. I mean isn’t that what any other rational parent knows? When you hear monkey noises, they’re tearing down the curtains.
5. Road trips require the fortitude of Gandhi. Just packing, in itself, should be an olympic event. Then there’s the corralling. And the endurance of making it through the questions and the bathroom stops…the WHINING. They recently started the She’s touching me! Stop touching me! Why are you touching me! I miss my minivan. Haters gonna hate, but they can’t touch each other in the minivan. And I’m all, turning around in my skinny jeans trying to draw imaginary lines for boundaries and establish some rules. But that makes my skinny jeans sag so I have to rearrange myself every time I turn around. That in itself is exhausting…constantly pulling up the skinny jeans. Why am I constantly pulling up my skinny jeans? Because I now have a mom body. I just refuse to wear mom jeans.
yes. I did take a photo of, and then watermark my sandwich in all its photographic glory.
6. You eat when you can. There are endless approaches to this one, but let’s just say you no longer turn your nose up at certain opportunities. For instance: meals interrupted by necessary diaper changes are the norm. You take a bite of sandwhich. You get up to change the poop. You sit back down {after washing your hands} and you finish your meal. Otherwise, you won’t be able to eat. Poop has no power over this gal. If you’re clever like us, you eventually evolve to moving their bedtimes up, and planning dinner for yourselves, after. Win.
7. When someone comes to the door, I have two options. Hide. Or morph into a power ranger banshee ninja. Why do I do this? Because I’m still in my pajamas at 2 in the afternoon, and this condition is complicated by the absence of makeup and bed hair. On second thought, since I am officially out of survival mode, that may just be the new me. I’ll file this one under preferences. Meh.
8. Having the laundry finished means Jamin can dig his shirt out of the basket from underneath the small mound, once he finds it from the grouping of five other small mounds completely wrinkled, and iron it himself when he’s ready to wear it. That is, if he can fight off the basket hijackers who are currently pushing themselves around the room pretending it’s a Mario Brothers game like escaped mutant karate bandits hocked on illegal narcotics.
9. Our conversations revolve around what the kids did that day. Are frequently interrupted by what the kids are currently doing, {i.e. stop jumping, don’t hit her, no you can’t eat that} and are finished off by what they will be doing. That is, if we aren’t form tackled, and are able to actually complete a sentence.
10. We no longer need an alarm clock. Mornings begin bright and early, and we have two additional backup plans if one miraculously sleeps in. Saturdays include, but are not limited to, handing out iphones, turning on the television, throwing some food on the table, and retreating quickly back to bed after dolling out death threats.
11. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m crazy over the top in love with my sweet wonderful amazing karate mutant bandits. That’s probably why I don’t remember what life was like before them. It’s selective memory. Not amnesia. I’ll take the new norm over my former blissful whatever, any day of the week.
Or maybe I’ve just suffered the loss of too many brain cells at this point. ;}
Spill it. What are your new norms?
Happy wonderful Friday, everyone!
Catherine says
This is too funny! And familiar for those of us with children. We didn’t eat out for two years… The list and the new norm also take surprising turns once the bandits hit the tween and teen years.
Thank goodness for grilled cheese sandwiches, hey?
Sabrina says
Oh I am sooo glad to hear that another couple has problem finishing sentences/let alone a conversation without being interrupted by the “Mom, mom look at this, Can you get my milk, Where is my favorite book, Potty!”. Sometimes I feel like my brain is trying to listen to 3 people at once and ultimately nothing gets through. And the weird thing is I totally love it (not that I don’t miss full conversations with the hubby) but my girls fill me with so much light and love it’s totally worth feeling like my brain is only 1/2 on most days. Good luck on selling the house & thanks for sharing!
Destri says
So needed this this morning :). And the Legos, Ack!
Anna@agoodhome says
Oh, Ashley, this is the funniest post ever!! We, too, got married and were surprised by our sweet girl just over a year later. Throwing cheerios at the kids like chickens! Love it! I actually just leave a trail of crushed cheerios and pretzels all over the floors at all times so my son will never need me to get him a snack. That’s legit, right? He’s 1 and a half and she’s 4, so we’re still in awkward land. Good to know it doesn’t last forever. š Thanks for sharing!
April says
Weāve finally emerged from survival mode. The kind where you nurse the baby from the sofa while you throw cheerios at the younger two like chickens. = best line EVER!!! Thank you for sharing these stories. My husband and I were married for 5 years before procreating and it is still hard to remember all that time we spent together by ourselves!
Manette gutterman says
Hilarious! U r speaking to the masses! Glad to know I am not alone in my mom world where I feel like every mom has it all under control except for me.
Kathleen Leonard says
Just wait till you get to the teenage years and the “attitude” that comes with that! Enjoy every moment, as they say and it’s soo true. It goes by fast!!!
Heather Miller says
THANK YOU!!! I feel so normal. I absolutely love your definition of feet. I live in a super small apartment with two small kids and often feel like it has no floor, except the toys. My poor dog searches all day for a comfortable place to lay down.
The only difference is I clearly remember our five years without kids – we gutted out a house halfway across the country from where we currently live. Crazy life.
Thanks again for this post, I seriously feel so normal and now can go on with my Friday of laundry after 3 sleepless vomit-filled nights. PJ’s are the plan for my day!
Simply Divine Living says
You have had me in stitches, thank you!
I can so relate and I only have ONE mutant ninja baby! Actually he turned five two months ago, but the last five years have been one big blur! I know that I lost some of my grey matter when I conceived and it’s never grown back. My husband and I have dined out twice over the last five years and without ninja on both occasions. It seems such an indulgence now, wow twice!, but we have actually barely had a life. Thankfully my mutant ninja is growing up now (too quickly I fear), so hopefully we’ll find some kind of normalcy again – whatever that is.
I recently had a conversation with a mum whose children are now approaching their 20’s. I was fuming all through it! It was one of those experiences where mum “who has done it all before, and has done it so much better than I have, and whose babies slept like logs from day one, and grew up into little angels” , just gave me the evil eye suggesting how incompetent I was for not being able to better manage my child who had settling issues, and for being brain dead when I went back to work full-time out of necessity on three hours sleep when my child was ten months old. Oh, shoot me!
Thank you again for writing this post., I have loved reading it and feel quite “normal” again.
Best regards from Australia
Shirley
JessicaD says
I was laughing out loud and DH says “what? what’s it about?” So I read the Jamin+laundry pile+iron it himself paragraph. He broke a tweak of a smile and said “I need underwear. You need to wash”. That is a true story. sadly.
Alisa says
My baby is two weeks old so we are definitely in survival mode now. I’m excited to get a shower in every day at this point.
NMaret says
TY
I really needed this post.
Melissa says
Oh how I really needed to read this post! Thank you !!
Rachel says
I L.O.V.E. this! Probably because I am not a mom (yet) & can still laugh without fully understanding š My husband & I are ready for kids (together 10 years, married 4) but I am strugglinging with giving up “our” time! Selfishness I guess. We just need to take the blind leap & go for it, or so I have been told š
I will totally file this post away & read it again in 5 years. I am sure I will need it.
Alyson says
I loved it too!!! I am with Rachel on the married for almost 5 no kids, but we have finally decided to throw our hats in ring and talk bambinos! I am sure our two pugs would love the cheerios trail š This post is hilarious!!!! Happy Friday Y’all!!
Kathleen says
So true! I needed a good laugh today…thanks for keeping it real and hilarious!
Lea Carter says
girl…have you been spying on us up in our ‘hood? #1 is absolutely the truth-TH! Why even bother eating out? It is so absolutely not worth it! And I absolutely promise that 99.9% of the time we sit down for dinner, homeboy has to poop. “Come wipe me!” It’s like dinner time has a laxative effect on him. #8…if it’s washed and in the dryer, then it’s done! I actually amazed myself the other day and did some from sorting to putting in drawers (that would of course been on Saturday when I had some help!)
Thanks for the laugh. I wouldn’t change it for the world!
Have a great weekend. My smallest 2 have the “voms.” I’ll think of you when I’m scrubbing!
Lesley T says
thanks for keeping it real!
Katie says
Thank you for this post. Encouraging to know I’m not the only one with baskets and baskets of unfolded laundry, toys and cheerios everywhere, etc. My husband and I were married for 8 year before having our son (now 18 mos), long enough for me to get really set in my ways and selfish. I feel like I can’t accomplish anything now! Ah! My sis-in-law (whose girls are in HS and college) tells me this is how my life will be for at least 10 more years.
Laree @ Ever Heard of Euless says
I laughed through every. single. one of these. SOOOO TRUE!
How about: you don’t even bother completely closing the door to the bathroom anymore because someone will just be walking in on you in the next .2 seconds anyway!
Kim says
Cracking up…I have a 2 and a half and 1 and a half year old…and you just summed up my life perfectly š happy Friday thanks for a laugh!
Blair Jackson says
wait! is this your life or mine?! hilarious, like i had to wipe the tears from my eyes, funny! we’re still totally in survival mode; i hook up the coffee to my IV every morning and GO.
Love your blog!
Blair
Jenna at Homeslice says
I love this post. I just have one so far (he’s two) but I still feel this way sometimes (a lot)! Thanks for your good perspective and humor. Really a fun read today!
Angie says
My stomach hurts. My cheeks hurt. I don’t often laugh outloud with such gusto when I am online but you got me good this time. Seriously. That was the BEST description of life with young children. I know, and have heard, the newborn phase of life but had yet to hear this version. I love it. I am going to read it to my sister, and husband, and whoever else will listen just as soon as i can. I may even refer the person that asks, much to my annoyance, “What do you do all day?” to this very post. Thank You for capturing the feelings and routines of a crazy, fun, chaotic, energetic child filled life.
Michelle says
*Love* this post. My new normal is that it took all day for me to read it because every few seconds I had to get up to change a poopie/run out to Target/get a coloring book/get a different coloring book because they now hate the first one. I am shocked that I got to write this comment in one sitting.
Jeni says
Such a great post! My hubby and I were married for 9 years before we had kids. Love the years it was just us but it’s even better with 2 crazy kids around!
Karen says
My kids are a few years older than yours, but the norms are the same with a few exceptions that are good for me and unfortunately not so good for you.
1. I have a 12 year old! Everyone needs one of these. We go on weekly date nights now!
2. I have a giant unfinished basement! My children are often banished down there, It is always a mess and I don’t care!
So get a 12 year old and a basement and your quality of life will be much improved.
bj says
That is one of the funniest posts I have read.
You should send this off to media for an article in Weekend papers.
You have such a way with words.
Love it.
Tiffany says
I have amnesia, too. Loved this post!
Colleen says
My husband and I have ditched the phrase {we were told while having 3 under 3}, “it gets much easier as they get older”, to “not easy but a different form of difficult”. Now with almost school aged kiddos (yes, all 3!), I see it get a *smidge* “easier” but definitely not plain EASY! lol Now it’s just talking back to me instead of playing 100 questions to see what my 1 year old needs- and sibling fist fights instead of just stealing binkies from each other {ok, no blood is drawn, but they’re strong lil people!}
Love your humor! It’s what keeps us going right? š
I think we’re blessed as Moms because no matter how bad we want to teach our kids and mold their hearts- we end up learning something about ourselves and are humbled š {by the grace of God! and on a good day! haha}
Love reading here! Thanks!
(Colleen) @ PaRtY of 5!
Cheryl B. says
Wow, you described my life exactly…except I don’t think I can name the last movie I saw in the theater…
Ali says
I loved this post! Too funny, and very true!! All of it sounds familiar to me š
Beth Norwood says
Thank you! Sometimes I read these blogs and think…”These people are not human!” You knocked it out of the park with the realities of life with kiddos! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I’m laughing, smiling, and soooo happy to know that it isn’t just me!
Chrissy Floyd says
Wow – I’m exhausted just from reading that. lol
mom taxi julie says
Love this! Mom world in it’s finest š
Deb says
I loved this post! My kids are 20 and 21 and both away at college. You really “took me back” to those crazy, busy years! I remember my 2 year old and the dog scrambling for Cheerios while I nursed the baby! Thanks for being so candid (and normal)!
sonya @ lil'soak + friends says
Wow. I’m going through the same thing but my lego is just bigger (ie duplo). Definitely am happy to wait for lego for awhile longer….as I think I am going to find random pieces of those. EVERY. WHERE. š
Rosa @ FlutterFlutter says
#10, priceless. I read it out loud to my husband. Too funny, and so true!!!
Lauren H says
I am so glad that other people call it “tea belly” as well!!
Lauren R says
I have tears in my eyes from laughing (and agreeing) at everything you wrote! I was reading it to my husband and he said, “that it so us too!” Ha š My favorite was the refrence to the cherios and chickens š
I LOVE being a mommy! Thanks for shedding some light to this crazy, wonderful, wild ride called parenthood.