We went to the beach this last week.
I know I’ve already mentioned it multiple times to the point where you’re all, “We GET it! You were at the beach! GOOD STORY!” If not, I kind of did that to myself in my head anyway when I posted my third pic on Instagram. But I don’t get out much, and figured I could take pictures. And then burglars could come and rob my house while I sat in the sand because I basically mapped it out on social media for everyone. Except we don’t have anything to take but maybe a few pieces of cool furniture, so maybe they could help me declutter.
Yay. Beach.
So we were at the beach (did I mention that?) and on the third day, there was rain. But let me rewind with an obligatory disclaimer: I’m not a total ingrate, because we were having a blast. Vacays with the family, while filled with amazing memories can also be absolutely exhausting. Judge if you will, but if you disagree, you’re: A. on a highly lethal dose of happy pills given to you by a not-so-reputable doctor (see: total denial) B. living with a boatload of servants to handle everything for you of the Kate and William variety whilst visiting a private island owned by a vampire coven just north of Cuba C. Have temporary long term memory loss because of said happy pills and prefer to stay that way. D. All of the above.
I would totally go with D. Legit.
I will cherish the fun times we had in the water, the funny things they sputtered in between belly laughs and sweet cheeks hiked up in sand-covered swimsuits. Seriously, is there anything cuter?
But I will also remember Malone being so excited that he woke up at 6:00 a.m. for the forth day in a row. So we basically tossed Poptarts at his head and told him to fetch. Emerson screamed like a wild banshee on the beach from pure exhaustion, until I bribed her with promises of chocolate after threatening her within an inch of her life didn’t suffice. And I will always remember the Crocs store.
Ahhh. Now these are the things real memories are made of.
So on day three, it was a steady drizzle, and after four hours of sitting in the condo (by then, it was nearly 10:00) our children had morphed into rabid hungry troll zombie ninjas who needed to be released to the general public to incur their damage elsewhere. We did what any sane parents would do, and decided to take them to the local mall. All was unicorns and butterflies until we lost our ever loving minds, threw what little shred of dignity we had left to the wind, and ventured to the Crocs store.
There are two things in the world that I know to be true:
A. The people who manufacture character-based products in the form of children’s clothing are the spawn of Satan and must be cast back into the depths of Hades to stay forever until they repent of their evil ways.
B. My children have terrible taste.
I don’t know why we thought we still had some form of influence over our childrens’ selections. Why we thought we could sway them to choose an item that wasn’t blaring SpongeBob from five miles away. And we don’t know why we thought that they would consider their choices rationally. But we did. (We blame the bad Jerk Chicken at Margaritaville from the night before.)
Super cute cake toppers found here / Super awkward photo here
We entered the store, and it became one of those bad dreams where you’re being chased by zombies, except you can only move in slow motion and you can’t see that well. They scattered like wild hyenas riding small monkeys and made a bee line (I’m pretty sure Malone did a hurdle over an elderly lady’s head) for the ugliest products hanging in the store. I tried to block his vision by standing in front of the prominent display, but Aiden practically dove for a pair of Lego crocs. In bright yellow. He began traipsing around the store, displaying them proudly for all to see. And he looked just like Howard the Duck. Emerson decided to go for glow in the dark Hawaiian-vom flowers, which were a definite upgrade from the previous store where she wanted rainbow sparkle shoes that lit up strobe-style and should come with a possible cornea-burn warning. And Malone. He found a bright red pair a-la The Avengers.
There’s some child study somewhere that says you should let your children pick.
That person has bad taste and is totally wrong.
I’m all for letting my kids choose things {see lunchbox selections this year of the R2D2/purple dog/massive cop car shape variety} but sometimes, it’s just too far.
Here’s three things I already knew, that I had to re-learn that day:
1. Something on the surface will not appear expensive. Multiply one purchase for one child by three repeatedly, and it’s bankruptcy city. You are out of your ever loving mind. Especially when you realize the money you are spending is useless towards what they need for school when you’ve already dropped 250 smacks on school supplies alone.
2. Crocs, while some people argue are the ugliest shoes ever, don’t bother me that much. But they’re a lot like kiddie rides at the fair. Size restrictions. Bright yellow in a Jr. Boys’ size 2 will make your child appear as though he’s morphed into an alien clown when compared to that of a tiny, slightly adorable, so-ugly-it’s-kinda-cute baby version.
3. Only morons take their three hyperactively demanding kids to the Crocs store and let them shop on a rainy day at the beach.
Morons.
I don’t know the actual steps we took to escape alive and in tact after the grand Crocs implosion, but after 45 minutes of shopping and a lot of spent energy, I talked Aiden into a descent pair of navy blue flip flops (on sale) that he could wear with everything and not just bright yellow raincoats. Emerson decided to go with some cute pink mary janes that I knew she would actually wear even though they still give her that Minnie Mouse glitter spectacular clown feet effect. And Malone proclaimed he wasn’t ready to give up his brown hand-me-downs (see: what he wears with everything) announcing that he would miss them. He actually came up with that one on his own and I didn’t have to whisper guilt-inducing hoarder methods into his ear.
Oh, and we may or may not have let them each choose Jibbetz bracelets and five charms each. That’s probably why we escaped alive. You see, we realized halfway through the heated Crocsimplosiondebates they were choosing these shoes, because while the characters were cool, it was the Jibbetz they wanted. Another truth we have now mastered:
The people who invented Jibbetz are Satan.
It’s like that time my dad offered me moolah when Jamin proposed. He knew that even though his amount was generous, he would still make it out on top if he didn’t have to pay for a garden wedding at an antebellum home with 300+ guests. Enjoy, kids! You won’t be able to attend college your first year because we splurged on Jibbetz bracelets… but at least you don’t look like Howard the Duck on roids for 30 smacks a pop.
Option A:
30 (shoes) x 3 (kids) + 10 (bracelets) x 3 + Jibbetz (hidden-prices-you-can’t-see-til-you-get-to-the-cash-register-and-its-too-late) + tax = death.
Option B:
20 (flipflops) + 25 (pink crocks that look like minnie mouse alien clown feet) + 10 (bracelets) x 3 + Jibbetz (hidden-prices-you-can’t-see-til-you-get-to-the-cash-register-and-its-too-late-and-you-want-to-stab-out-your-eyeballs-while-lighting-yourself-on-fire) + tax = I think with all that energy, effort, and bargaining… we all but saved 25 grand smackers.
Not having your children look like Killer Klowns from Outer Space when they play with their friends?
Priceless.
I really should have taken my dad up on that offer.
We will never visit the Crocs store again. I prefer the highly censored, pick-from-these-two-win-win-options-I-pulled-up-for-you-on-Amazon method.
And they have no idea where their bracelets are.
Catie @ Catie's Corner says
OMG, hilarious!! Thanks for the morning laugh! And yes, I’m one of those people that think Crocs are the ugliest shoes ever. My 7 year old daughter has a hand-me-down pair that she knows she’s only allowed to wear at home. If we’re going out in public she changes her shoes. lol
Jennifer B says
LOL!!! I seriously just snorted coffee out of my nose. This was hilarious as always. I feel your humorous pain!
Jenna says
I. LOVE. THIS. Thank you for always being so honest! Makes my day. BEEN there!
Nikki @ Deepest Ocean Blue says
You are hilarious! I don’t have kids yet, and now I’m seriously debating keeping it that way!
Also, I will now have nightmares about that last picture.
Diana says
I don’t often take the time to comment on blog posts, but just had to on this one. This post was hilarious! (And sadly what I could expect if I attempted the crocs store). Thanks for posting this cautionary tale for moms everywhere.
Julie @ Living on the Ledge says
Ha, ha! I had my first child meltdown experience in the shoe department at Target this week – and that’s a pretty limited selection. Thanks for the reminder to avoid shoe stores in general. 🙂
Val says
LOL, thanks for the truth telling on this one Ashley! I have been there before so many times with my four kids. Its halarious looking back on it yet so frustrating and crazy at the time. just a few weeks ago while on vacation in TN, trying to let the kids pick out souviners that they had to have that I would even allow in my house and wouldn’t want to throw away in a month. we came home with a bag of rocks/gems/crystals x4 which they still ooohhh and aaahhhh over. We went to Dicks sporting goods one slow rainy day, HA!!! It went down just like your Crock story. Too much craziness.
ashley @ the handmade home says
YES! Especially with trying to simplify. This doesn’t help my case at all! ;}
Bethe @ Texas Lovely says
I just discovered your blog and this post almost made me pee in my pants. See, I can laugh at you because my little one is a newborn and gets no say in what clothes I put her in. Check back with me in two years and I have a feeling I’ll be in my own tacky crocs hell. Thanks for the glimpse into my future… (and the smile).
ashley @ the handmade home says
YEP! Enjoy the control while you have it. It’s so much fun! And then they gripe at you (see: my daughter) any time you pick out something remotely different…
Christina says
I looove this post! I have 4 kids 6, 4, 3, & 8 months. We avoid stores like the plague unless absolutely necessary! If we do go we have our “three rules”:You will 1. Be quiet, 2. Be still, 3. Obey. And we recite these ever single time–but it certainly doesn’t work as well as I wish it would! We have melt downs all the time! I’ve gotten to where I really have to just laugh or I’ll go crazy–ok crazier! Thanks for the laugh & for letting us crazy moms know we’re not alone!!!!! 🙂
ashley @ the handmade home says
Those are great rules. I seriously don’t take my children places very often, because they WILL EMBARRASS me. And it’s just TOO MUCH WORK. Jamin does the grocery shopping! ;} #shameless
nicole j says
OMG! I laughed so hard! I am prepping for our beach vacation with our 4 boys….and can totally relate!
Angela says
Bwa ha ha! Now you need a vacation from your vacation, lol. We have 6 little ones and can relate to the chaos well.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Six. SIX?!?!?! Amazing.
KatieP says
I am literally sitting at work, crying at my desk in hysterics over the truth you have presented in this post. I am so glad you can see humor in it now and share it with us. I know in the depths of the meltdowns it’s not always so easy to remember that you are a smart person and you do know better. So keep this in your back pocket, you are awesome.
ashley @ the handmade home says
I second guess myself, constantly! Ha!
Ash says
Great. Now I have the Howard the Duck song stuck in my head. 🙂
Laura J says
Just when we thought the madness had ended…the last line stabs us in the gut. Only I’m sure it was more painful for you!
ashley @ the handmade home says
I know right? We’re having a bracelet search this afternoon! And then those suckers are going on EBAY! ;} Kiddingnotkidding
Laura J says
🙂 Any luck finding them?
If the creator of Jibbetz is Satan, then they must also be the one who wrote “Pomp and Circumstance.” My boss is convinced year after year of attending multiple graduations of our students that “P and C” will play on repeat on the loud speakers in hell. They probably make people search for hours each day for Jibbetz bracelets in hell, too.
Taynia @ Fiscal Flamingo says
Too funny. I am in tears. Thanks for the laughter this afternoon.
Manette Gutterman says
Thanks for the laugh today! We drove ten hours & spent $2000 this year on our treasured beach getaway to have it rain more than its rained during hurricanes past in Fl. It was a blurry week of sadness, kids buried in DSes, & escaped in the rain to drive back home feeling more stressed than when we arrived. It was such a beach getaway there were was no Croc store to escape to. I also have an early riser so I completely got y ou on the throwing Pop tarts haha!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Oh no! That happened to me with my family as a teenager. And we still laugh about it til this day. So maybe there’s that when they’re older. And you with time. That’s the worst! Hope you guys get some rest + glad you stayed safe!
Laree @ Ever Heard Of Euless says
This was AWESOME! You have one of the BEST abilities to reiterate the awful trenches of parenthood and make it seem even better than ever. Someday your daughter will look back at this (when she’s in her own trench!) and remember just how awesome her mom is!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA thank you! Maybe it’s my hidden talent. Or I will scar my children for life. Only time will tell. ;}
Mandy says
This is the first article I’ve ever read from you. I think I’ll stick around because, honestly, you make my life feel boring and that’s nice! 😀 Thank you for the laugh, the adventure, and (most importantly) the lesson (read: NEVER GOING TO A CROCS STORE!).
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA – yes, save yourself the angst! ;}
Renea B. says
I kid you not–I left this page to google “Jibbetz bracelets”. YAY-my little 4 year old doesn’t know what they are…yet. *wink*
Renea
Des Moines, IA
Susan Krauss says
Well, now we MUST see the aforementioned gaudy Crocs!!!! Come on, fellow followers, join me in a group chant: WE WANT TO SEE THE CROCS! WE WANT TO SEE THE CROCS!! LOL!!! ; D
Jen says
With three crazies of my own, I’ve so been there.
Anna-Ruth Murphy says
This cracks me up!!!!! I have 3 kids and know exactly what you mean $…LOL..I used to let them pick the outrageous, take lots of pictures, and plan to use them as leverage in the teen years (when embarrassment isyour bargaining tool)…Thanks for the laugh!
Roganne says
This is terrifying. I currently have only ONE child (a two year-old daughter) and I very nearly escape total meltdowns in the toy aisle every time we are at Target 🙂 Thanks for the horrifying glimpse into my future 🙂 Yay for family vacations!
Celena says
I always kind of chuckle when I read posts about your children. Thank you for sharing REAL parenting. I always feel like such a failure when I read the posts where parents always have it all together and their children are perfect, non-fit throwing kids, and then I have my own personal Wildflower at home that gets upset if you LOOK at her the wrong way, haha. Okay, I, exaggerating, but it does feel nice to read about reality.
Walker says
Amen to the Amazon comment. Amen!
That’s how we roll over here, too.
And then it’s delivered to my doorstep. Win/Win.