A sweet gal named Melissa wrote in recently, and said this:
…We had to pull our children out of school this year. It just wasn’t working. And here I am, in a situation we didn’t think we’d ever find ourselves in. We’ve taken a week off to breathe, and curriculum is on it’s way, and I’m doing this, even though it isn’t what I pictured. I feel like I’ve made this decision, that people think I’m crazy just because it isn’t the “norm”and I have no idea where to start. I know you guys have been doing this for a while. I guess I was wondering if you have any advice?…
This is our third year homeschooling a-la Mills Academy and oh-my-word-we-can-do-this-without-anyone-dying-ville. Everyone’s situation is different, so it’s actually hard for us to give advice. In fact, the word advice, especially when paired with parenting, gives us hives. We’ve certainly been through our own struggles over here so you’re in good company.
I remember when we were considering doing this, it was such a hard choice for the people pleasing rule follower in me. I called random people I knew homeschooled and asked them if they had any advice. I scheduled conversations with teachers and people who might guide me because I had no idea where to start. I stalked people on Facebook and asked questions because I didn’t know what to think. It’s isolating. It’s liberating. It’s scary. It’s the unknown that is so intimidating.
It’s not where I ever saw us, either. It’s not what I thought it would be. It literally feels like jumping off a cliff with your family, all the while praying you’re making the right choice. It’s all the things mentioned above, but you know what? It can also be so very rewarding. So relationship enhancing. So unbelievably faith building.
And that’s just the beginning.
So today, we’re getting real here, guys. Take us with a grain of salt, because every situation is different. I thought I would give the younger me… the me two whole school years ago now going on three… some ‘advice’. So, three years in, here’s what we’ve learned… and some things we would go back and tell ourselves, if we could.
• It’s overwhelming at first. Go ahead and get ready for it. That’s totally okay.
You’re thrown into this new world of a relationship and responsibility with your children. What now?
Take a deep breath. Because you can totally do this. No, it may not be “the norm”. Yes, people will think you’re making the “wrong choice” yes, it will need to be a year-to-year decision for your family. Keep your heart and your mind and your thoughts and your options open, and you won’t regret that.
You won’t regret making the decision to homeschool.
Okay fine. You’ll have your days. But over all, you won’t regret the time spent with your children. It’s an incredible decision people don’t really consider. And while not always easy, and always very time consuming, it’s still been a great choice for us.
• It’s all on you.
You can join a co-op. You can put them in sports. You can keep them involved in community and church and do all the things with all the friends. But at the end of the day, all of that is on you. I think I knew that going in, but I didn’t know how much time it really would be. This means you have to be intentional, and purposeful with your time. I was naive enough to think it was a trade off with being in “normal” school with all the car time/volunteering we were doing.
It’s actually more because it doesn’t stop.
I once thought that there was a secret club for homeschooling moms. That they all met for coffee and sat around while their kids worked on some predisposed activity. Some self-taught worksheet while we simply hovered and drank pumpkin spice lattes. We would all be best friends, and our children would learn together.
That was cute. When my kids were babies and I had time for that.
The reality was, at the time, we knew no one else very well who homeschooled. We knew of no groups. We knew that our three kids needed to be taught in an allotted amount of time, having their needs met, but here’s where it gets sticky for us: we also needed to find time to work.
Education is of the utmost priority, but I also have to feed them. This is where our situation is different, because it’s a lot to take on. So if you work, or if you stay at home, or if you work full time at home… just know that the buck stops here. With you as their parent. Their education, experiences, and all things involvement now end with you. You are the hub. And I think it’s our responsibility as parents to keep them well rounded to give them the fullest experiences possible, that grow them as thoughtful, productive, giving citizens of the world.
People make it sound easy. Homeschooling, let alone parenting, is a full time job. I’ve never taken it lightly, but just know that it’s a lot.
Am I scaring you yet? I’m really just reflecting my own fears here, because at first, that was terrifying. I knew this. I really did, deep down. I just didn’t know how much work it would be. And I found that it was a lot like child birth. If I prepped myself going in, thinking it would be just TERRIBLE, then it wouldn’t be that bad in reality. Again, everyone’s situations are different. As are everyone’s coping mechanisms. And our point is that depending on said situation unique to you and your family, you will have to find a way to make it work.
I just don’t think anyone really ever talks about the dedication that it takes to teach a child. Let alone multiple children. To help them stay active and involved and all of the above. It’s not something you’ve chosen because it’s trendy or easy or fill-in-the-blank here. That means we take this seriously.
It’s a full time job. Get ready. And you can totally do this.
• Reach out
That being said, there is a community. There is encouragement. There are resources online and locally. There are amazing relationships. There is prayer. {Because you’ll need that, too.} Take advantage.
Taking on the decision to homeschool means that everything officially rests with you. This is parenting. It doesn’t end. This is the number one biggest, most intimidating factor for us, and it has taken real sacrifice and time.
That means that you dig in, realize that this is a shift in your roles and responsibilities as their parent. Sure, you know it will be a lot. Just be ready. Because it’s truly a full time job, and I think that if you’re mentally prepared, with a real schedule and plan of action, you’re less likely to struggle as much.
Everyone’s schooling experience will look different. Everyone’s support group will be, too. For instance, lots of people recommended classical conversations. That is amazing, and we know it works for so many people. We’ve even discovered a few groups in our area. The thing is, with our children involved in so many other things, compounded with trying to work full time as well, we found that it wasn’t a great fit for us. We have however, connected with some great people, and immersed ourselves in all the reading on nearly every subject we can find.
It truly takes a village. Everyone’s village may look a little different.
• Resources can be found in the most unexpected places.
One of our greatest resources have been amazing suggestions from you guys-our readers. You never know when the person next to you has a great idea. Or when that teacher you know at church may have some advice. So pull from what we said in the it-doesn’t-have-to-be-isolating point above, and strive for it not to be. Because there is strength in numbers. And people have talents they’re using in different ways. Look for that, and figure out how to gear it to your kiddos and what you can give in return.
Half the battle is figuring all this stuff out, and rolling with it.
• Your kids will not be weird because you homeschool.
No, we’re not religious fanatics. No, we haven’t holed up in our home never to venture outside again. No, we don’t look like some spinoff of children of the corn.
Wow I went with a zinger. Let’s just get this out of the way, shall we? I think because this is always everyone’s big concern. It’s the most asked question, and honestly, it’s also been my biggest fear. So here we go.
Want to be proactive? Keep them in activities and sports. Enroll them in a class of some sort. Find ways to keep them involved with other kids. I think it can be easy to get so bogged down with the school part, that you forget about all the other aspects of it. Because their education goes beyond just the books. I think this is where it can feel overwhelming.
This original decision, for us, was about an intentional choice to change the direction of our family. We needed this, because we looked around one day and didn’t like where our family was headed. This means we continue to make daily, intentional choices to keep our new trajectory. This has to be a conscious, daily direction. You’re building the foundations for the rest of their education. And it’s not a job we take lightly.
Homeschooling can be very isolating if you let it be. Don’t get bogged down in feeling alone. Reach out. Make priorities to find that “balance” {though it really doesn’t exist}. Yes, it can be exhausting trying to figure everything out. Take a deep breath and be patient. That happens over time, but it won’t be easy.
People always say “They could never homeschool.” Once upon a time, I too said those words. I’ve learned that you do what you have to do, in that time, for your children. And it is what it is, day to day.
Our kids are involved in TOO much right now. They’re enjoying every aspect of this season of life. We actually probably need to reel it in a little, just like any other family. So are our kids ‘weirdos’ because we aren’t in “normal” school? Aside from the fact that yes, that is a rude assumption, children are weird because their parents are weird. Not because of the educational choices made. And that, my friends, is the truth.
And while we’re on that topic, maybe we should stop throwing stones in anyone-who-chooses-another-option-than-the-one-you-chose direction. Homeschooled, public, private, magnet, charter, should I keep going? We all have our quirks. You’re kind of weird if you’re totally normal and can’t win for losing. We’re all weird. Embrace it.
• If it’s not working, mix it up.
Enough of the social aspect, and back to curriculum: You just dropped hundreds on a curriculum, and it’s not working. What now?
Change it up. You’re the boss. Not the curriculum. Don’t be afraid to make adjustments based on what truly is right for your child. This is the beauty of homeschool. Sometimes it takes you, as the teacher, stepping back and reevaluating. You will probably find yourself making adjustments all throughout the year. This is your call. Make sure you stay intentional about it all, and don’t be afraid to try something new.
In the beginning, I was afraid to do that. But when this list-checker learned to sit back and reevaluate based on her children’s needs, we all did better. Days were smoother. The children learned more. I felt like a better parent and teacher. True story.
• You don’t have to follow everyone else’s schedule.
For the first year, we followed the “regular” school schedule and kind of stressed a little about making sure we did the right thing. Don’t forget about the beauty of homeschooling.
You can take spring break whenever you want to. How many hours do they spend at school with things that are necessary for larger classes? In standardized testing? How much of that do you not have to do with a streamlined approach to learning because they’re getting the one-on-one that they need? If you need to step back for a few days, and come back, you can. Hold yourself accountable with that over all, total-school-days calendar to meet what needs to be accomplished for your child, but also remember that just because everyone else is taking time off or not for fill-in-the-blank here, doesn’t mean you have to.
If I could go back and do one thing, it would be to stay a little more flexible. Seize the moments and enjoy the process, rather than obsessing over the tasks at hand. Which brings us to…
• It’s not about checking off the list.
If you’re a list-maker like me, this can be an easy habit to fall into. {See above.} But it’s not about that. I think a lot of it was the first curriculum we went with, combined with my own anxiety. One day missed = cue visions in my head of incarcerations and memoirs written on how badly mom screwed up their lives.
Yes, we should have everything documented in case a truancy officer were to come to our door. {For some reason, the rule follower in me is totally obsessed with that.} But creating an environment for them to learn, to absorb, to work on their level and meet them where they are, is what it’s all about. Don’t get caught up in the lists. It can be easy to focus only on the lists. And that’s an easy trap to fall into.
Don’t let the curriculum rule your life. Use it as a friendly guide, and help your children through it. Don’t get so caught up in the curriculum that you miss real learning opportunities. And don’t freak out and feel like you’re not teaching them if you take a day and step back for something different.
• Children develop at their own pace.
No, really. It’s true. I know, right? Because it’s like we’ve forgotten this.
And when we hit a speed bump, we totally lose a grip on reality and what’s really going on. Artists step away from their work after some time. They have to step back, and get a bigger, clearer view. We should definitely do the same with our children. It can be so hard to get our noses out of those ‘paintings’ as parents. There’s a teacher/parent angle that needs to be remembered in all this. And it can be so hard when we’re in those trenches.
Just like your child was walking when everyone was still crawling, or not speaking when your friend’s child babbled on in full on paragraphs, children continue to develop at their own pace, as well. We group them into grades and expect them to be at so-and-so’s level.
Try not to freak out if your child isn’t reading right where you think they should be. Or when your friend from the magnet school posts a homework assignment on Facebook {because they will} don’t get caught up in the comparison game {because you will}. Or when the nice man at the local flea market wants to know if your daughter is homeschooled, and then decides to quiz her. Don’t stress. It’s wasted time. Stay focused on your own family goals, and on meeting your child’s needs. You’ll get there. She/he will get there. Trust us.
Believe that.
• Not all the things add up on one uniform level.
That being said, learning is not a one size fits all. And we feel like this is what we’ve been taught to think. This is the beauty of teaching your child at home.
He can be on one level with reading, and another level with math. You can challenge them where they need to be challenged, and build confidence with other areas. Focus on their strengths and weaknesses and adjust to their needs.
Be patient. It all works out.
• They grow in spurts.
We feel like our kids can struggle with something one day, and two days later, they’ve mastered it at a level worthy of documenting and posting on Facebook. We want to do a chest bump and high five routine worthy of synchronized swimming at the olympics.
The very next day, they will struggle with something new. And we have to let them struggle.
This is the nature of learning. And the nature of us being their teachers.
Be ready to work with it, and keep on working with those places where they struggle. They, and you, will get there. Eventually.
• You’ll have your bad days.
I know. Shocker. Step away if you need to. It will still be there when you come back.
If it’s a battle of the wills, that’s another story. We’ve been in those trenches for a year and a half now. But it’s okay to step away and realize that professional teachers have bad days with their full crowd of a class.
Your relationship with your child is different now because you are also their teacher. Thus the struggle. This is hard. Step back. Take a deep breath. And give everyone a little grace. It happens.
• Prepare yourself for the comments.
Don’t those come from our own insecurities? Everyone has them, and they will come. Along with the well-meaning but unwanted advice. People won’t even realize they’re doing it. Sometimes they over-explain their own choices, and you feel the need to over-explain yours. Take a deep breath. And take the rude comments with a grain of salt. Extend grace to those people. Because at the end of the day, getting in a tizzy or holding on to resentment born out of sheer ignorance, just isn’t worth it.
We’re all doing the best we can. Just because what you’re doing right now isn’t the seemingly popular choice, doesn’t mean it isn’t right for you and your family. Time will tell, and you can adjust accordingly.
Remember that, and let it go.
• Know your own strengths and weaknesses.
Know what motivates you. Know what helps you. Yes, you. The teacher. If you’re motivated and inspired, they will most likely reflect that. Children are really good at feeding off of our own emotions. They’re like little feelings detectors.
If they know that you want to see them succeed, then they will work hard. If you provide a space for them because it gives them room to work and grow, but it also helps your feelings to give them a place to work, and inspires you as their parent, do that. It doesn’t have to be a full on room. Just a corner, dedicated to their learning. If it helps.
Know what you struggle with, and hold yourself accountable. Work hard to make intentional choices daily, because those small intentional choices add up to the big picture, eventually.
Even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Homeschooling can be tough. It can be intimidating. But it can also be an amazing journey. And nothing worth having, ever comes easy.
These are the things we would tell ourselves, going on year three. We hope this helps, Melissa. You’ve totally got this.
What advice would you offer to yourself? Or anyone else starting out? We want to hear!
melissa says
where did you get that pendant light in the 2nd photo? its adorable and just what im looking for!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hey Melissa! It’s a World Market find. http://www.worldmarket.com/product/four-sided+glass+hanging+pendant+lantern.do?&from=fn ;}
Stacie says
Hi! š
This is just what I needed today! This is our 1st year homeschooling (through K12 CAVA). My 11 year old has a very difficult time sticking to a schedule. Do you have any tips?
Thanks!
Stacie
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hey Stacie! I think this is a tough question for us to answer because we don’t know what your entire day looks like, or your situation. But we have found that schooling works best for us, when we lay it out first thing in the morning. Sure, we have our days when we have to push it back since we work – because of an interview or conference call, or project etc. But those days are definitely rougher. But almost every day, school first. Our kids know that they can do nothing else, until they’re finished with school. The rest of the day is theirs for activities, etc. And if they don’t have a good attitude with school, things are taken away. One child was not allowed to go to their very favorite thing, Gymnastics the other day, because they had a bad attitude in reading, and it took up our entire morning “fighting” them on it. We have just found that bottom line, school is first. The end. So It’s just a rule our family has. Our kiddos strive on a daily schedule, and it works for us. If they have clear expectations every day, M-F, it’s easier for them to function in an orderly manner and get-her-done. I think this layout will also help them prep for the ‘real world’ and that way they stay disciplined with other areas, too. If you lay it out like that, it may help. Hope that helps a little – take us with a grain of salt, but it’s how we roll. ;}
amy says
Thanks so much for sharing this! We are in our 2nd year of homeschooling and have realized many of the same things. Already we have having a more peaceful year.
God Bless!
ashley @ the handmade home says
High-five-chest-bump-coordinated-celebratory-dance, Amy! You’ve got this!
carriep says
thanks so much, our kids went to public school 20+ year ago, I work in a public school now, things have changed ALOT. I love the kidos in our class but there are days when we could do so much more than just dealing with the chaos that is their lives after school. Please pray about what ever decision you make, there is no right or wrong.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Something I want people to realize here, is that our oldest attended a public magnet school for a few years. It just wasn’t for us, but we really loved that school. We volunteered and prayed for it, and bottom line – teachers are our heroes and do amazing things daily. We love all that you guys do, and truly admire you.
ashley @ the handmade home says
*** teachers and anyone and everyone else who has a heart for working with children and schools! Meant to add that ;}
julianna says
We’ve been considering buying that red desk. Now that you’ve had a few years of heavy use, how is it holding up?
ashley @ the handmade home says
We’ve put a scratch or two on it, because kids and giant pencil holder – but it’s still looking AMAZING. We were going to build something and decided against it because this was easier and cheaper. Seriously one of our favorite purchases. And no, Tarjay is not a sponsor ;} HA!
Abby says
Thank you for this post! My oldest has a year of preschool left before he starts kindergarten but I have plans to homeschool him. It has always felt right to me – but I am terrified at the same time. I am worried about doing it ‘right’ and staying sane. And I am even more worried about juggling homeschooling with babies…
ashley @ the handmade home says
I think Kindergarten is the easiest place to start – especially with babies! You will fall into your groove in no time and be glad you did it! You’ve got this. And all your worries are totally normal.
ashley @ the handmade home says
*** because typing things can sound dismissive – HAHA! Let me just say that was meant to be encouraging, because you will be able to slowly figure it all out, one kiddo at a time while you fall into your groove;} I can only imagine how cray cray it can be with babies, but you’ve got this.
Stephanie says
Thank you so much for writing this, Ashley! It could not have come at a better time. This is our second year of homeschooling and it is overwhelming, to the say least, to bear the weight of our children’s education on our shoulders. My kids are 6 yrs, 4, 2, and 3 weeks old, and I start second-guessing our decision often to continue in this path. I try to stay positive, but a few bad days can really knock me down. BUT, each season of life has brought great opportunities for learning, so we will keep on keepin’ on! God’s blessings on your school year!
P.S I have followed your blog for a couple years now and absolutely love your decorating style and knack for tackling all kinds of creative projects! From one homeschooling, crafty mom to another, you’re doing a good job!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Is your 6 year old starting first grade this year? Because that was us last year, and that was what made it SO HARD for us. Our second year was by far much more difficult, and maybe it was a combo of things, but someone pointed out to me {a sweet reader on instagram} that no wonder we were having a hard time because the transition from K to first is SO HARD! We were honestly ready to NOT do it again this year. And here we are. And I wonder if our home hasn’t sold for many reasons, but one of them so that we could give it an honest go, one more time. {Maybe every year is one more time- haha!} Hang in there. Thanks so much for your kind words Stephanie. You’ve got this and you’re not alone.
Kortney Hall says
We have been homeschooler for the past 25 years. Our kiddos are now 28, 20 and 8. The one thing I would and do say about homeschooling is “Follow your heart!” Your heart won’t let you down and your heart truly knows what’s best for you and your family. Love every moment of this amazing ride. Every up and every down, it will be gone before you know it! Just be true to you and yours. Everything else just doesn’t matter, it’s just stuff!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Amen, Kortney! And you go, girl!
Linda says
This was a great writing. There are now so many curriculums to help homeschool parents. Many states have a homeschool conventions with help for the struggling parent. This is my “job” for the next few years to educate my children. Yes, some things do not get done but the choice our family has made is the right choice.
ashley @ the handmade home says
And it is FULL TIME job!
Nancy Walters says
THank you so much for sharing this ! As a former charter school teacher turned homeschool mom, I have recently been dealing with the tainted words of former co-workers and unknowing individuals.
I have been struggling to extend grace, so it was reassuring to hear that this is a norm in my new world.
Thank you for your real view into the world of homeschooling! You are exactly right when you say that it is like jumping off a cliff with your whole family, but it IS worth the jump.
erin says
Wow! Has it really been three years already? I can remember reading that first post when you shared y’all had decided to homeschool, and I was SO excited for you! I loved this post, because even though I’m a homeschool “lifer” (I was homeschooled K-12, and plan on homeschooling my own soon-to-be-four kiddos) it is still a daunting prospect, taking it on!
I laughed out loud at the part about your kids not being weird if you homeschool. It has to be said! That is hands-down the biggest “concern” that I see and hear on a regular basis. It makes me laugh because people just don’t realize that for every “weird” homeschooler they encounter, there are ten who blend in with the “normal” crowd; their friends and acquaintances must be clued in to their shady educational background because they’d never guess the truth on their own. š I wish I had a nickel for every time someone expressed shock and surprise after learning I was homeschooled.
The fellow Homeschool Lifers that I grew up with are now advertising executives, Harvard-educated lawyers, elementary (and middle and high) school educators, interpreters, television personalities, non-profit and political organizers, designers, law enforcement officers, independent musicians, flight attendants, pilots, and of course full-time homemakers and home educators. And those are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head! Not to sound creepy, but, um, we are everywhere, living among you, undetected. š Ha!
ashley @ the handmade home says
THIS. Is the BEST! AMEN.
MomOnTheGo says
This is our second year homeschooling our son… he has sensory processing disorder, which alone causes a lot of anxiety. His environment is oftentimes so overwhelming that he just freezes. But in the right place, he is an amazing, talented, super bright kiddo! So, public school just wasn’t the best choice for his situation. We chose to join a co-op as new homeschoolers because frankly, I needed the help and support! With a year under our belt, we still chose to co-op two days a week and work at home three days a week. It works for us… he gets the social interaction he craves in a small, comfortable learning environment, and then gets every other day off to “detox” from the stimulation and rest and work here at home with me.
An important lesson to learn: Co-ops are not perfect! You most likely will not find one that fits you 100%. But I found I needed to make the best choice, and then I could supplement the areas I felt we could do better in, or challenge him more in. Being at home five days a week is just not something any of us are ready for.
Next year, we welcome his little sister into our homeschooling program. Not sure how I will do with two kiddos at one time on different levels, but that will be another journey for another day. As for now, I have learned… One Day At A Time!
Sharon says
Congratulations of your years of successful homeschooling! I too chose to homeschool and experienced many of the feelings you described, but it was the best choice for us and our family at the time. Now those kids are grown, college graduates who are employed in their chosen fields, and productive citizens. Recently my son told me that those homeschool years helped him get to where he is today š It was hard dealing with the comments from others who didn’t agree with our choice, but it was marvelous when my daughter mastered math skills and was confident in her abilities! We all need to choose what workes for our situation, and do our best. I hope you have a wonderful school year!