I feel like weather has been the topic of all my conversations lately, and basically because we’re all complaining about it. I trip over the doorway from outside with a grimace on my face over the cold, rainy nonsense that has been our current state, and everyone rolls their eyes with me in empathy. At least I’m assuming it’s with me.
On second thought, maybe everyone is tired of hearing me complain.
But I believe everyone, everywhere is over it.
See, exhibit A: Our yard the other morning.
But the weather cycle. Y’all. It’s like me on my cycle. {Should I say lady cycle? That’s even weirder. Didn’t want to use the real word, because imaginary pearl clutchers, and also the real word still weirds me out after all this time. Yes, I am twelve. I also feel like my mom when she whipped out the Childcraft books to explain the birds and the bees a-la 1990. I mean, my mood swings exist, so it’s okay to mention the predicament when drawing a metaphor, mmkay? Yes, the rule follower in me does feel scandalous.}
BTW, At the ripe age of (1.5 years ’til) 40, I’ve given in and declared it a week. I get a week to be a little unpredictable. Don’t we all? Jamin is currently raising his eyebrows at my use of the word ‘week’ since it may or may not be a little longer in which I morph into an absolute werewolf psycho. {I take my liberties.} We all batten down the hatches for the impending storm. I have to give myself space to realize I may be a little ‘on edge’ for the next few days, therefore, maybe I should avoid certain situations that totally put me on said edge. Triggered and stuff.
via– this pic should scare me, but it’s basically me. I’m the psychopath.
TOTAL Side tangent {stay with me}: I’ve realized on top of basically being unbearable, I’m totally double standard.
See the following scenarios:
Scenario 1: Insert me, exploding over something dumb, here.
Jamin, trying his best to give me a little perspective: “Do you think that maybe you’re in a bad mood because it’s almost…” he pauses delicately, “that time…?” I can practically see him edging out of the room while he tries his best to bring healthy awareness to the situation. He trails off because he knows he might die.
Let me be clear – I will have NONE. Of. THAT.
Me: “OF COURSE NOT! HOW DARE YOU?!?!?! {See also me, jedi-rage-choking him in my mind.} GAAAAHHHHH I have the RIGHT TO BE IN A BAD MOOD without HORMONES ATTACHED! ::Jamin discreetly hides anything sharp:: “Now go buy me some sushi. And caramel-filled Dove chocolates. And all three dips from the Mexican place with all the chips. And a side of hamburger with cheese smothered tots. The kind that I can dip in ranch.”
Also me one hour later: “I have no idea why I’m so bloated right now.”
He’s perplexed with the entire thing. Bless it, he’s in a lose/lose here. The fact that this website is practically dripping with total Nancy Grace material, is completely beside the point, y’all.
Basically, if I’m in a horrible mood and Jamin brings it up, I’m SCANDALIZED.
See: exhibit b: The hideaway before we went to bed
+ the hideaway when we woke up.
Jk. But let’s pretend because right now it all kind of feels like that.
But then {and I’m totally guilty of this} much in contrast to scenario 1, see scenario 2. Because I also like to use it as the occasional excuse.
Scenario 2: Insert me, exploding over something else dumb, here.
After a two hour huffing tirade that comes and goes intermittently with passive aggressive ideas {so that it’s padded nicely between rage eating and suggestions on how we can better our lives whenever someone speaks to me}, I realize what I’ve done. And I use it whole-heartedly for my excuse, because it’s the best excuse ever.
It says that a. I’m not in control of my emotions and b. I didn’t realize what I was doing.
Guilty as charged, but not guilty. It makes me more tolerable or something. {Probably not, and probably actually worse, but roll with me here.}
Me: “I’m sorry babe. I’m just on edge lately. You know. Because of the cycle.” But the phrase “the cycle” doesn’t come out. I mouth it, instead. Kind of like Voldemort vs. he-who-shall-not-be-named in Harry Potter.
Everyone cowers in fear. Even the dogs.
Jamin: Braces himself, and once again, slowly edges his way out of the room before I go right back to whatever it is I’m fussing over, like that weird Exorcist movie that totally gave me nightmares in college.
He’s basically hunkered down with these. PS. Did you know you can totally buy these at Walmart? WHAT.
See? Double standard. Am I the only one who does this? I’ve painted myself into the corner of being a terrible human being on my own website, today. Winning.
But back to the weather. And why it’s like my cycle. Because I rambled per usual, and I think you can see where I’m going with this… oh wait, you can’t? Yeah. I’m bringing my point home:
If I died and came back as the weather, it would be me this year for “Spring”. Last Tuesday it was in the 80’s here in Nashville. Oh, and did we mention that on Monday, it was snowing? Back in the 50’s on Thursday, our kids donned shorts and coats at school. Everyone. Is. Confused. And now I have a cold. Gee, I wonder why?!
I feel like I need to go outside and summon Spring like a puppy. {Paired with a weird rain dance and sacrificial snow boot burning.}
Here boy! Here you aaaaare! Here’s a treat! WHO’s a GOOD BOY!? Stay.
STAY.
And he goes belly up, and he stays. Until he sees a butterfly and he’s scattered off again, totally aloof.
Meanwhile, we’ve installed a pool heater because we realized that after only moving one state up from the tropics of south Alabama and owning a pool {you wouldn’t think it would make that much of a difference a little over four hours away} swim season was only about 2.5 months here. So needless to say, we’re so glad we took that dive. No pun intended. Better than last spring break, when they were so excited they jumped in anyway at about 40 degrees. And then there were bodily explosions in the middle of the night. The two were totally unrelated, and also it felt like they might be.
And so here it is.
If weather could be personified, it would be me on my all-over-the-place-days. Let me be a little defensive here when I say that usually, I’m pretty consistent. You can go by the forecast, and I deliver accordingly. But on that one week each month, which shall henceforth metaphorically be known as 2018’s Spring, this is how I act:
I love you.
GET OUT OF MY FACE.
Love me. I’m sorry.
My BAAAACCKK!
I’m hot. I’m cold. Why am I always cold? Where’s the HEATING PAD?!
Am I going through menopause?
I need a sandwich. I need chocolate. I need cheese dip. I need guac. LUCKY CHARMS.
TAKEMETOTHEGROCERYTSTOREFORTHELOVEOFGOD
No. Please go to the grocery store for me. I can’t walk.
Pimento cheese.
THIS is TERRIBLE. I’m GOING TO DIE. ONLY SALADS from now on.
Do I totally have a mustache?
ALL the coffee.
I love you. REALLY. I’m sorry. My life is so great.
I’M RIPPING OUT OUR ENTIRE CLOSET BECAUSE MY CLOTHES ARE DUMB AND I’M BLOATED.
WHY AM I CRYING over this FRIED CHICKEN!?
::See me, shoving my cheeks full of tatertots like a chipmunk prepping for hibernation::
::See also me, apologizing for acting like a total psychopath::
You get the picture.
So here we are. “Spring” 2018, and how it’s likened to a bit of me, borderline crazy, on the week of my cycle. Maybe that’s why they call it Mother Nature? JK. I’m sure that was sexist or something. Here’s to a few more absurd weeks of random cycles.
With the weather cycle.
Remember, I told you guys I wasn’t gonna make it.
Happy {almost, maybe, kind of, not quite, I hope so soon, JK} Spring, everyone!
Amy says
Omg, this is hilarious. I love trying to follow your train of thought and tangents, and then you always bring it back. Funny stuff! And yes, “Spring” is a crazy mofo here in Washington (state) as well! The last two days we go to school in 40 degrees, by the afternoon it’s 80, and I’m sweating and like “crap, I can’t take any clothes off because winter skin! Winter feet! Winter unshaven legs!” And then I finally get around to shaving the forest of my legs, sanding down my heels with a palm sander, and applying the first coat of nail polish since last September, and now it’s back to 50’s and pouring rain. Ugh. Can’t win.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Bahahahaa! Apparently my last pedi was circa 2012 ;D
Stephanie says
I’m dead! Hilarious! Thank you for this laugh this morning.
Mary says
Soooo funny … and relatable! Even into my forties, I’d look back on that week of crazy each month and think, “Hmmmm, that must have been PMS.” You’d think I would have figured out the pattern by then.
ashley @ the handmade home says
RIGHT?! It STILL takes me by surprise. I’m all, why am I being a neurotic psychopath? And then I look at the calendar and try to count and get confused and then my A-HA moment comes 😀 DUH. So funny.
Erica M says
Ashley!! You. Are. Hilarious!! 😂 Here’s something you can enjoy https://youtu.be/TWb4KlM2vts
All because of your title the song is now stuck in my mind…and now it will be in yours! 😉 It’s a 1st grade joke. Our kids learned this last year and they sang it ALL the time!! Maybe this explains why we’re having so much rain. ☔ I, like yourself am TIRED of all this weather MESS!!! 😤
Enjoy the sunshine while you can this weekend! 🌞 Who the heck knows what next week brings!! Lol!
**Still need to run around the corner and meet you guys!
ashley @ the handmade home says
BAHAHAHAHA why is it fantastically horrible? I want to keep playing it! HAHAHAHAHAHA definitely showing this to the kids!
Erica Montgomery says
Yes!! Must be stuck in their minds too! It’s addictive I tell ya!
ROSE LEFEBVRE says
Was there supposed to be a photo of your yard?
ashley @ the handmade home says
Yes! I believe Jamin spoke to you directly, but thank you so much for your patience and letting us know there’s an issue. We finally pinpointed what it is, and now we just have to fix it! ;} YAY!
Amy C says
Isn’t it crazy how that 4 hours in distance can make such a huge difference!? My parents live in Troy and we live in Huntsville and we have completely different weather!
And I just had a hysterectomy so I’ve lost my excuse for bad mood swings and just wanting to go to bed and not be touched sometimes haha!