On December 6th, I turned 40. The big 4-0. I {naively} thought I’d have something to share on that day since I’m halfway to 80. It kind of hits you a little sideways when you realize there’s a reason people have the mid-life crisis, and stuff.
The thing is, I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been. I wanted something deep, something reflective to hit me like an epiphany. I mean, 40 years is kind of monumental, yes? We celebrated with fun friends, and it didn’t feel very different than my last 39 birthdays. It’s honestly been a nice 40 years here on earth, while I’m lucky enough to live them. I struggle just like everyone else, but life seems to go by in a whirlwind which is the most frustrating part. Sometimes we’re so caught up in behind the scenes, work, projects, and family life, that it can be easy to let touching down into reality and intentional things, {and being in tune with my feelings} slip. So with the arrival of 2020, I’m focused on being grateful. It’s probably the word of the year for me.
And then it hit me. Here are a few things I’d say to my 20-year-old self, if I could hop in my DeLorean and hand down some advice… this is 40.
• Don’t worry about being successful if you’re doing what you love. Success is weighed on may different scales and they all seem to come up short if you’re measuring them, anyway. Learn to be content in doing what you love. What is it, exactly? You’ll see. It will rear it’s head in small, different ways over time. Pursue it unapologetically and whole heartedly.
• Goals are amazing. But stop obsessing over the future and be in the present.
• Love fully. Each day. The most you possibly can. That’s what you’re here for.
• Gratefulness is the key to everything. When you start to feel frustrated, feel like comparing yourself, or feel like you’re never enough, you’re in charge of your own thoughts. Switch gears, and focus on what you’re thankful for, on how far you’ve come, and the gift that is now.
• You’ll be angry about the past, if you let it haunt you. Sure you’ll make plenty of mistakes. We all do. Move forward and focus on the lessons you’re learning. Because if you shift your perspective, they really are just growth moments.
• Back to that angry part, be proud of the way you’ve healed and give yourself time. Those battle scars have taught you a lot of lessons.
• Forgiveness and choosing to do so, is more powerful than you know. Holding onto bad feelings and grudges, isn’t worth the energy. You only punish yourself. Trust me.
• That guy you’re dating right now, is pretty great. You’re going to break up soon, and then get back together, because you love him. It’s going to be an amazing ride, so buckle in.
• Speaking of, kiss your husband more. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to say. But after eighteen years of marriage and to be so young and so naive, {I know… bless it} you’ve actually made a pretty great choice. It’s crazy thinking about all the elements that come together for two people to meet each other, fall in love, and build a life together. Be grateful, appreciate right now, and kiss him more.
• Don’t let people manipulate you with guilt. Do your best and be kind, but the rest is up to them. It’s a cheap trick for someone to resort to when they realize they can’t control you. Cultures are built around it, and you’re not responsible for others’ feelings or their actions. They are.
• You’ll feel better when you have healthy boundaries. In fact, as soon as you establish some. Keep working on them. It’s a life skill and it will take time.
• Stop worrying about making people angry when you establish those boundaries. Those are the people who are bulldozing right through them, anyway.
• You wear your heart on your sleeve and that’s not a bad thing. Stop letting people tell you that it is. Stop trying to hide your feelings because you’re terrible at it. You can’t change this about yourself. It can be your greatest weakness or your greatest superpower. You choose.
• While you’re at it, work on filtering what people say to you, and how you let it get inside your head. Don’t let it nestle in there and bother you. Constructive criticism is great. But some people are just wrong. Not everything people observe through their own life filter about you, is true.
• Move your body and come up with a lifelong habit of working out, even if it changes over the years. The key for you, is making it fun, and finding community, and it’s the key to having a healthy mindset. You won’t regret it. It’s true that this body is the only one you have, so treat it right.
• Have patience. Keep working on that life skill of patience, since honestly, it’s something you’ll always struggle with. When you find yourself stuck in a moment, take a step back and a deep breath. Remember that this too shall pass. Most things are smaller than you think, and probably won’t matter in three months, anyway.
• People aren’t kidding when they tell you to wear sunscreen. DO IT.
• Therapy is healthy and more than okay. It’s hard, or more people would work on themselves. It’s good to work on yourself as much as you can, to be the best you. Take it all in stages, and stride, as you can. Life is mercurial, and your growth will be, too.
• Never take your health for granted. It’s something we tend to do, when we feel good. Be grateful every day that you can move your body and feel well. For what it’s worth, you’re still feeling pretty great at 40. Appreciate it.
• Authenticity and vulnerability are skills learned over time. It’s something you crave, you just don’t understand what it is yet. Some people can’t do it, or it makes them uncomfortable. Don’t take that personally. Accept people where they are.
• You can be lots of things and have a lot of reactions. Be kind. Always.
• Don’t let the messes bother you. Sure, clean, because sometimes that feels good too. Just know these moments are fleeting. You don’t always have to whip out that vacuum cleaner.
• Don’t freak out when you buy your first house, {Yes, you will buy a house!?} and feel like you must decorate it immediately. Take your time. It’s not going anywhere. You should have skipped the American Dream all together for a while, and moved to Hawaii. But that’s okay, because back to that regrets thing. You probably wouldn’t be where you are now, if Hawaii were a thing in your timeline… just don’t rush things so much.
• Your story isn’t over. Remember that.
• Babies don’t keep. You don’t have any right now, but when you do, oh Ashley. Hold them.
• And when they’re too big to hold them, snuggle them some more. They’re the absolute best thing that will ever happen to you. True story.
• Speaking of growing up, they do that fast. The twist of the knife in parenting, is also the next little adventure. They’re these fantastic humans if you put in the work. Keep going. You’re flawed and they’ll probably write books about you along with the ways you screwed them up. That’s where honesty and an open conversation with your children now and in the future, are key. There’s always room for growth and improvement and doing that, together.
• Speaking of, stop beating yourself up over the times you screw up. Just apologize. We don’t have time to dwell on the past. Do better now, learn from your mistakes, and move on.
• You have instincts for a reason. There are going to be a few moments in particular, sprinkled over the years where you’re going to feel those kick in. Stick to your gut and learn not to question yourself so much.
• Those tufts of dog hair won’t last forever. Embrace it too… they’re what makes your house a home. Not the rug.
• ‘Don’t go to bed angry.’ is probably the worst marriage advice ever, for you in particular. There’s nothing a good night’s sleep won’t cure when it comes to your perspective. You’re probably tired. Go to sleep. Revisit this in the morning.
• Yoga. Start now.
• Stop it with the bad self esteem. It’s helping no one, and it’s definitely holding you back. Your 80 year old self will look back and remind you how ridiculous you were. Give your future self a nod and appreciate your healthy body while you have it.
• When you go to the beach or get into the pool with your children, let them remember you having fun. Not hiding under a towel. They won’t remember your cellulite. They’ll remember a good day.
• Not everyone is going to like you. That’s more than okay. When someone says something hurtful, it’s usually a reflection of them. While we’re on the topic, try not to take things so personally. Like I said above, not everything is about you.
• Think before you speak. I know that’s a hard one. Work on it. The things you say are a reflection of you.
• Learn the difference between a harsh critic and truth. There’s a lot to be said for some real good in constructive criticism and growing from that.
• If you’ve wronged someone, make it right. But also know that sometimes, it’s okay to move on. That’s the boundaries part.
• Demonstrate what it is to be a strong woman. Don’t let the thoughts of others dominate your choices. It will take you a while to figure that one out, and you’re still working on it. Take risks. Don’t let that fear get in there. Those kiddos are watching you.
• Friendships really are important, and grow more so, with age. Take the time to invest in the real ones. Some of them will change with location and time, and that’s just everyone evolving into who they are. Some of them will stay. Enjoy them all for what they are, and be the best friend you can be.
• Variety is the spice of life when it comes to those friendships. Learn from all their walks and wisdom.
• Marriage is hard. You’ll have some really bad days where you totally suck, and you’ll have some really amazing ones full of romance and connection. Most of the days will be filled with every day stuff and just working on navigating life together. Learn to work and invest and grow together. It’s you two vs. the world, and it’s worth it.
• Starting your own business is hard, when there are little mouths depending on you. {Spoiler alert}. Stay with it. You won’t regret the hard days. Because there are really, really good ones too.
• Hand down traditions to your kids. These are the days for making those real memories in sweet ways that will stay with them forever.
• Hang in there. You have a lot to learn and some incredible, transformative life moments coming your way. Keep your heart in the right place, your chin up… and when all else fails, find humor in those hard moments. If you can’t laugh at yourself…
We’re evolving as people every day, and that’s the fun in living and learning and this never-ending list of mine. But I know if I were younger again, I’d worry a lot less, have a whole lot more fun and just embrace the now. It’s the only thing we’re guaranteed, after all. Here’s to forty more, the new year, and doing just that.
What’s something you’d put on your list, if you could write a little note to your twenty year old self? We’d LOVE to hear.
Have an inspired day!
Alexis says
Thank you for sharing this – this post really hits home. 40 is on the horizon for me and these are some great life lessons. Amazing how all that petty stuff in your 20ās doesnāt really matter anymore! Great perspective.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much, Alexis! ;} Still growing.
Jeanine says
Great advice! I’m planning to share it with my almost 20 year old daughter. Since I’m almost 20 years older than you, here’s something I wish I had known when I was 40:) If God is nudging you to do something and it seems way too hard and you feel like you’re too old and people are telling you it’s insane and costs way too much money and a close family member is dead set against it, do it anyway! Always listen to God first and strive to please Him. He’s the one who has your back every single time. He is for you and wants to bless you. Do what He asks of you and you’ll have no regrets in the long run. In my case, it was adopting my daughter at 40 when my youngest of three was 10 yrs. old. Hardest thing and best thing I ever did! She is a beautiful young woman now, and as my husband always says, she’s way better than a mid-life Chrysler!
ashley @ the handmade home says
This is a beautiful story, Jeanine. So true.
Jenny B. says
I love your advice about “never go to bed angry” being bad advice. So true!! Everything seems worse late at night, and the morning brings fresh perspective (and often peace and forgiveness).
I would tell my 20-year-old self to stop being so afraid and trying to have everything all figured out all the time (my 43-year-old self still needs to hear that, too). I would tell the 20-year-old me to break up with that guy she knows is wrong for her and focus on cultivating friendships, especially with her roommates. She’ll miss them more than she thinks she will.
Also, she should change her major (again). There’s a reason she loved that “art for elementary teachers” class so much and why she’d rather linger in the hallway looking at all the projects outside the interior design department than head on into her childhood psychology class that she doesn’t enjoy (except for when they’re talking about how to arrange desks and what kind of lighting makes a classroom feel cozy!). Just because she doesn’t know any real-life adults who are designers doesn’t mean it isn’t a real career.
That’s said, I’d also tell her not to regret getting her teaching degree. Her teaching jobs will lead to knowing some really wonderful people and ultimately homeschooling her youngest kids (maybe – we’ll see… currently figuring that one out!). No regrets, but don’t hold yourself back so much! Travel more. Smile more. Go to church. Love people.
Ashley, thanks for prompting me to think about this today! š
ashley @ the handmade home says
LOVE this. At my first out of college graphic design job, I got into trouble for losing track of time, and looking for interior design inspiration online. {Cue the cringy face emoji.} I think there’s a lot to be said about listening to those little whispers and boldly pursuing them. There’s a lot of breaking out of the mold that has to happen when maybe you’re not used to it. And when you’re younger, doing the unknown is so hard! sounds like you’ve figured out a lot of awesome stuff so far! Hugs to the next 40 years, friend!
Jenny B. says
Aw, thanks!! So funny about your first job. It took a long time to find design inspiration online back then, what with dial-up Internet and no Pinterest. Ha! JK (at least about the dial-up). š At my first teaching job, I used to shut the door, turn off the lights, and take a nap while the kids were at P.E.! Thankfully, I never got caught. I was SO tired! The unknown is always scary. Watching others (like you) bravely go ahead is very encouraging!
Erica M says
Love, LOVE, L.O.V.E š this post!!! Maybe because I’m 44 & totally agree with everything your saying! I also need to think on many of these areas & come up with a few of my own. The pictures of you growing up to 40 are adorable! You & your family are precious Ashley & I love how you pour your heart out and don’t hold back!
The don’t go to sleep angry…I totally agree with your perspective and usually the next day is already more calm (or maybe it’s just me š) & easier to deal with whatever situation comes my way. And babies don’t keep…mine is about to hit double digits. š³ Nuts!! Life is short, it really is. Love big & don’t look back! ā¤