We don’t go out to eat with our children anymore.
Ever.
But I lie. Because every now and then, we lose what final sense of self preservation we’ve functioned with, and decide to brave it to a restaurant. You know, just so we can feel normal. We prefer to eat at the kind of restaurant that may actually have a menu not subsisting of fried lard and the frequent appearance of a creepy redhead dressed in a clown suit. The one where our children can’t run through a mucky slide filled with only who-knows-what and MRSA.
…Annnnd In other news, I wasn’t sure how to spell that. Do not. Google. MRSA. I’m never leaving our house again. Someone should design a disinfectant sprinkler system for those indoor playgrounds that we all know are never touched once they’re built unless some kid has the voms and then the lowest employee on the totem pole at the local Mickey-dees has to do the crawl of shame and clean it out. Bless. That. Person.
But Monday was one of those days. Not the crawl of shame kind. The kind where we decided to pretend like we were normal. Basically the same thing.
We took the kids to see Planes on Labor Day. (Which was actually pretty cute, and I’m not sure what all the criticism is about, because if you break down every story it’s the same plot at the very core. There’s always the antagonist and the protagonist and conflict and climax and resolution. So just because it was with planes this time instead of Cars, Darth Vader or Lord Voldemort, I don’t really get what the big dealio is.) As we passed a local pizza place, we said to ourselves “Selves, you never get to eat out. Let’s go inside and lose what final shred of dignity we’ve been clinging to since our last outing, so people can stare at us in horror while our children act like untamed gorillas slinging poo. Hurray for family meals.”
Challenge accepted.
It doesn’t always start out this way. Sometimes, the restless little natives just sit there and carry on a conversation for 2.5 entire seconds. We find ourselves thinking, “Maybe they’re finally old enough for this to happen! Normalcy, population 5!?” And then it morphs into this ridiculous parade of crazies. They’ve momentarily forgotten that they really are mutant ninjas brainwashed with the sole purpose of making us miserable. And so it begins. A battle of teams: Parents vs. Children to control the hour. And then we remember why we never go out anymore.
Let me make it clear… I know I’m a biased mom, but my children truly aren’t bratty. I mean, most children are spoiled. We live in America. So there’s like this first world status of understood spoiled-dom. Mine aren’t brats beyond that. They have their moments, but for the most part, they’re great little offspring and I’ve kind of put a lot of time and effort into the whole thing so I can say that. But all is fair game when we walk into a restaurant.We regress to caveman status. A nice little reminder that I shouldn’t try anything in public again. Ever.
I’m training them. Like small circus dogs. The other day, Malone asked me while driving in the car, “Are we in public?” because we’re mastering the idea of appropriate behavior in public places, and acting accordingly. When I told him we were driving in public, but the inside of the car is not necessarily public, I realized I was confusing myself with the challenging question and subsequent answer. While I was dwelling on this interesting conundrum, Emerson responded with “HURRAY!” and proceeded to remove her clothing down to the skivvies. Because that answer was good enough for her.
This is what I’m dealing with, people.
Conversations are impossible, unless digital devices in the forms of iPhones and iPads are dispersed, to keep them quiet during the time in which we are eating. If you haven’t noticed, this seriously negates the entire point of a family outing and enriching, thought-provoking ideals that are to be discussed in their entirety. Like what they did that day. And Jesus. Instead, we’re breeding robot zombies all in the name of enjoying a normal meal. Go team Apple.
First we’re all sitting there, talking. And the next thing I know, people are about to call DHR because my five year old is doing a handstand and I’m pinching everyone whilst whispering through clenched teeth like a complete psychopath about not stabbing people with forks, and not picking our toenails at the table.
Here’s three rules I’ve learned to be absolutely one hundred percent tried and true when eating in public with our family:
1. If there’s a cup, it will spill. If there’s a fork, there will be a stabbing. Or sword fighting. Or nose picking. If there’s anything in front of them, it’s only a matter of time until it becomes a complete catastrophe. Do damage control while you can. This is directly related to the longevity of your meal.
Someone should invent something that helps food levitate just over the table, and hover towards their faces when they open their mouths. Like something astronauts use to train with NASA. Or better yet, individual sound booths, where we can talk to them, but have the option of letting sound travel to our ears when they talk. This way, no one else can hear them scream in the middle of the restaurant when they decide that their brother’s grapes are annoying them. True story.
It’s the twenty-first century. I can’t believe we don’t have that yet.
2. Stay away from any and all establishments that disperse balloons. They were made by Satan, and are ticking time bombs for absolute moments of horror. Life is too short to teach my child that the awkward giant sword/borderline inappropriate shape he was handed at the restaurant was not meant to last beyond an hour. Nor was it made for accidentally smacking complete strangers sitting beside us in the head. And no, we will not be asking the lady on stilts to make a third creation (because he’s popped the first two) to dangle awkwardly from his forehead.
It’s just. Not. Worth it. Unless you wish to babysit balloons and prevent temper tantrums with irrational conversations with four year olds about the laws of physics, later.
3. I judge our progress by watching Jamin’s hair. Otherwise known as the family’s emotional barometer. When we sit down, it’s finely sculpted and modelesque. I don’t brag much, and it usually grosses me out when people get all weird in front of me about their spouses, but the man could be in some magazine where they sell plaid shirts. He would model them beside labrador retrievers and scenic lake backdrops, so women would buy the plaid shirts for their loved ones and wonder why their hair doesn’t look like his. By the time we’ve finished, he’s patting that monster down because it’s now morphed to scary Marge Simpson/Kathy Bates combo in direct correlation with his blood pressure. We must leave before it explodes. My eye is also twitching so please bring us the check before we all die.
If I wasn’t clear enough on our inability to sit through a family meal together, I leave you with these little illustrations.
vs. Things that have actually been said by my family. I need to make a list of weird sentences I never thought I’d hear myself say like, “You deserve to have your bottom sniffed if you’re going to dangle it in front of her {the dog}”
Yet another true story.
Please tell me we are not the only ones.
Have a real day, y’all!
Hayley says
I cannot even tell you how hard I laughed at what you put coming out of Emerson’s mouth in the second picture. “What does twerk mean?” Bwahahaha…I just wanna hear your answer to that one. I can only think that Sophie is not too far behind that. And I have no clue what I would say. Also, I feel like my ONE child equates to your THREE. She’s what you might call a handful.
Mary says
I laughed out loud at the bottom sniffing comment – I said something very similar the other day. Love these posts and no, you’re not alone in this!
CLC says
just hilarious. that is all.
Kelsey Cafferky says
Funniest.post.ever!!!! And I can totally relate to every word!!!
Gina says
This is us, and this is why we QUIT going out to eat for 4 years. My favorite phrase during that time was “take out.” We go out to eat now, but only for limited amounts of time. Then there was the time a kind, gentle grandmotherly lady offered me parenting tips in Wal-Mart and suggested that I read “Bringing Up Boys,” I cried the whole way home. Why was I so upset? Because I actually thought the kids were being not horrible (aka, pretty good). So now I’m the shrew that is constantly saying between clenched teeth, “stopit,” “act like a statue,” “pretend you are a short adult,” and the ultimate threat, “I’d better not get ANY tips on parenting from people in the store, doyouhearme?”
Amanda says
I laughed SO HARD at “pretend you’re a short adult” that I had to cover my mouth in my pre-dawn house. I’m literally adding that to my parenting vocabularly post haste.
Kara F. says
I. Needed. That. 🙂
Thank you for keepin it real! And you are SO not alone. My boys are 6 and 7 now but it doesn’t mean that aren’t brilliant mad scientists about pushing our buttons when we’re out in public.
In addition to floating food, why can’t someone invent take out food that also includes people cleaning up after us. So the restaurant experience without the public drama? I think that’s called having a butler. Dream on.
Alexandra says
These graphics you’ve been including are so much fun 🙂
And yes, even though we only had 2 kids, going out when they were little was scary. Basically, I remember having to focus on them aaaaall the time, play with them, chat with them, etc. and things would be ok. But my husband thought the two of us should be able to talk to each other too… never worked. Fortunately, they grow 🙂 I don’t care what people say about “time passes so fast” and “enjoy them while they’re little” – there are a ton of things I enjoy way more now that they’re 11 and 13 and can actually carry on a conversation and BEHAVE!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHAHA AMEN!!!!!!
Nikki says
Have I ever told you about that one time we lived in a hotel for 2 months because my husband is in the military and we had to move but we couldn’t find a house, so hotel life was our Plan A? Oh, and did I also mention this happened only a month ago and I have a 2 and a 3 year old. Oh yes, and the best part, there wasn’t a kitchen or stove or anything other than a mini fridge and a microwave in our room, so going out to eat was our only option for meals? Yea, that. That was fun.
Kim says
I’m so sorry but this just made me laugh! (probably out of relief that it isn’t me because I can totally feel your pain!)
Pam Bernard says
What a familiar site.
Nadine Ursuliak says
Love love love your posts! This one made me laugh so hard there were tears, because it was funny and true. Been there, bought the shirt.
Cheers!
Allyson says
Hilarious! YES! I have felt this way so many times! 🙂
Deena says
You are SO not the only ones. That last graphic made me LITERALLY laugh OUT loud. Can I relate? Oh yeah baby…
Brie says
OMG!!! YOU are hilarious! Thank you, my stomach hurts from all the laughing, I needed that today=)
Jenifer says
I AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!!! You are not alone, my dear. NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessica says
Girl, please! I thought you were going to explain that the kids set fire to the restaurant or something. We go out to eat A LOT and our dinners go a lot like yours! Sometimes better, sometimes worse. I’ve learned go early, go quick and tip well!
Lori says
I can not relate at all to this. My children are complete angels. They are always on their best behavior and never get in trouble. (yes, Sheldon, that IS sarcasm)
Lydia Wagner says
Oh my gosh! I only have one that and is EXACTLY what happens!! I had wonderful ‘ladies lunches’ with my working friends until he was 2 1/2. Then all hell broke loose! He stomps up and down the booths while posing like a power ranger and shooting fake lasers at all other restaurant patrons. He refuses to eat. He has at least one stomach ache. He only drinks Sprite. He crawls underneath the table at least twice. He whines that I’m not ‘playing with him’? He grumps when I ask him to sit on his bottom. Seriously! It is like he enters a twilight zone that makes it almost impossible for him to be the obedient, kind, cooperative child he is!
Chelsey says
oh mylanta. you’re SO not alone! thank you for making ME feel more normal. now to share this with my husband. 🙂
Chelsey says
whoops, sorry about that duplicate….
Chelsey says
oh mylanta. you’re SO not alone! thank you for making ME feel more normal. now to share this with my husband. 🙂
-also, for whatever reason, that i will not question, sweet tomatoes/souplantation is a magical place for our littles. (which i’m hopefully not jinxing by sharing this…) it’s naturally loud (plus for the hubs), everyone gets to pick every detail of what’s on their plates (plus for the kids) and the food choices are much healthier than the other ‘kid friendly’ restaurants (plus for me). 🙂 after everyone has made their plates my husband and i block them in the booth and they’ve always behaved better than normal. again, not exactly sure why, but it’s worked for us.
not sure if they’re in your area, but just thought i’d share. 🙂
DOLORES FALCON says
I Love it, i thought I was the only family that ended up this way at dinner lol
Abbie (Five days...5 ways) says
A) That first graphic. Sooooooo not normal people. Not outside of the Stepford Wives.
B) Although there have been times all seven of us have had a miraculously spill-free, tantrum-free experience, I can definitely relate. Especially to the part about not being able to engage in anything that resembles a normal conversation, much less a finished sentence (that’s not: “Put in your mouth, not your nose”). HOWEVER, I can’t help but add one huge part of the restaurant experience that makes it truly…fun (snicker). And that’s the other people. Yes, the toddler deciding that she. must. have. the. serrated. steak. knife. NOW…or die trying…is awesome. But my favoritest part of all is the people who think it’s cool, while you’re hissing through your clenched teeth and leaving five distinct fingerprints on your 5-year-old’s upper arm because, otherwise, he’s going down the rabbit hole (aka: under the booth) again, to stop you and 1) congratulate you on your beautiful family, 2) assure you that this too shall pass, 3) give you pointers (a la the Walmart lady who doled out advice to the other commenter), or, in my case, since we have identical twin girls, 3) ask YET AGAIN if the identically dressed, dainty little blue-eyed creatures sitting in their pink, floral car seats while wearing lace and ruffles are, indeed, a boy and girl.
I think I should be allowed to bring a little pop-up sign that says: “This is not as fun as it looks. Please keep your distance from the booth. Sometimes, they bite.” Can we put that request in with the levitating food one?
Kim says
I love the “sometimes they bite” sign idea!
Sonja says
SO funny, and boy oh boy, does it bring back memories! We had 5 children in a little under 6 years (including a set of twins people!) We didn’t eat out that much, but we did travel quite a bit, so there were plenty of times similar to what you describe. No, you certainly are not alone! And Nikki’s comment about the hotel sounds familiar. It’s a long story, but my husband and I ended up in a Homewood Suites with 5 children, a lab, and a rabbit! Thankfully we had a kitchen, but what. fun. those. 3. months. were.
Valarie N says
You are not the only ones, trust me!!!!……..I laughed soo hard when I read this whole post. It sounds like my life, except with 4 kids. I feel so much better knowing that I am not the only one with a family like this!!! My husband and I rarely take the kids out to eat, its just not worth my sanity, or my husbands!!! We just had the chance to go out to eat by ourselves last weekend, it had been close to 9 months since we went anywhere alone, and it was heaven!!!!!!!! I feel for ya and please know that you are not the only ones!!!!
Arwen says
Your account of the meal was amazing and hilarious as always – we only have 1 and I feel like eating out with him is a race! Last night we were at a place in Opelika that had a small little train in the middle full of toys – and I thought GREAT! Maybe I will get to eat my meal and since he’s filled up on snacks the whole way here he will just play. Well… he played all right – he ran ALL OVER the place… he especially liked the guy who was playing the guitar at the other end of the restaurant. Bless you for having 3 and taking them into public 🙂
Lisa says
Thank you so much! I needed a really good, deep down belly laugh today. I was cracking up so loud my four year old asked what was so funny! You are most definitely not alone 🙂
Lindsay says
OMG! That post made me laugh so hard I have tears. I think you just Illustrated our family at a restaurant!! You are definitely not alone.
Samantha Chapman says
THE.FUNNIEST.THING.I’VE.EVER.READ. Oh my gosh! Bahahahaha – you are not alone sister! Way to put up the good fight.
I swear, I have had the toughest day at work today, stuck in budget hell and I decided to take a quick peak to your blog, I absolutely could not stop laughing.
Have a great weekend!
Taynia | The Fiscal Flamingo says
I could have wrote this. Except for the part about Jamins hair. My husband’s hair would most definitely not entice any woman to purchase an item of clothing. He is loved for many reason, but not his hair.
Thanks for the laugh.
Lisa says
Oh my gosh, thank you for the laugh! This is so, so true.
amy says
We had almost a 3 year period where we never went to a restaurant with our boys. It simply wasn’t worth it. The last straw was when they crawled under the table and tried to pick off the hardened gum and chew it. So gross. Now they are 11 and 14 and we have a delightful time together. To everything there is a season…
Katie says
I love you and your honesty. And I can tell you, it gets better! My kids are 10, 7, and 5 now and eating out is actually possible. It’s amazing. Hang in there!
But totally write down all the crazy things you never thought you’d say, cause it’ll be really funny later.
Bonita says
I have one child who is only 7 months old. He is the position to get into everything! I can only imagine what it’ll be like when he gets older!
It did make me laugh with the illustrated pictures. LOL
Barbara Moore says
I promise this will pass. And the best part is – you will remember it all fondly (dementia has it’s benefits). I always felt the restaurants purposely put my family of 6 with 4 kids under 7 at the big round table right in the middle of the room to provide entertainment for all the folks in the surrounding booths. And entertain, they did. My 2nd daughter spilled a drink in every single restaurant she entered until her 16th birthday. But time marches on and eventually there is the possibility of a payoff – and perhaps a little revenge . If you’re incredibly fortunate you will get an adorable, strong willed, spill everything grandson to love someday. And you will then experience joy as you’ve never known it before.
Rihanna says
Oh my gosh! You are hilarious! And if someone says that is not what their dinners are like, they are lieing(how do you spell “to lie”?)is that right? Anyway, love it!
Amy says
Reminds me of my sister who, when going to a restaurant with our mom and me, spent the whole time exclaiming about how HOT the food was. Cuz she had three kids under 5 and hadn’t eaten food when it was still hot since 2006. My mom finally said,”Honey, food is supposed to be hot.” And she had to think about it.
Sharon P says
Oh, you make me laugh so much! I’d love to tell you it gets better, but these “little
darlings” will grow up some day, get married (probably), and have babies- babies that become your grandchildren! And so the cycle continues. But, at least, when you’re a Memaw (like me) you will take it all in stride, spoil them rotten, and send them home!
Rinda Theron says
O my hat! This could be my family!
Hillary @ The Friendly Home says
First of all, that balloon? Yes, totally not a sword.
We had our first 100% successful meal for the first time about a year ago. We were in a Slow Food restaurant, which makes it mean that much more…because it’s really, um, slow. And you know what that meal meant for us? Time to travel. No kidding. We came home and said, “If they can sit through that meal without killing each other, they can sit through a plane flight to Hong Kong.” And so they did. Ages 7 & 9. Girls. And just like that, I have a life outside my house again!
star says
Love your accounting of the meal out. I don’t have children but understand the training process as a retired special education teacher. I have seen so many families go thru the same scenario when my husband and I have been out at restaurants. I see the looks on the parents face… like a doe caught in headlights, then I slowly mouth don’t worry this happens to everyone. Every once in awhile I will get a smile but generally I think the parent has already escaped to their panic room in their mind. Keep on teaching public behavior vs private and by the time they are in their 30’s they should have it down. Let’s face it just about the time they start to get it they head off to college to start taking their clothes off in public again!
Beverly Miller says
Oh my goodness! I know this isn’t a laughing matter but I died reading this because it’s so true! (His grapes are bothering me. LOL!) No, my dear, you are not alone. I go through the same thing with my son and I, too, resort to the electronics to get me through a meal. Although, I’ve noticed that we’ve been eating out less lately. Hmmm…..
Kristi~The Slipcover Girl says
i remember those days well. i’m feelin’ for ya. now…at 10 &13…we can eat like proper human beings in a public setting. it’s quite nice. you’ll see. 🙂
Nicole J says
I am sorry to laugh at this but I can’t help it — it’s funny! {Only to me, I know.} I don’t have any children but my BFF has 6.5 year old twins and we recently went out to dinner together to a “grown-up” Cuban restaurant and it was a similar experience {without the balloons}. It’s so refreshing to hear an honest account! Good luck the next time you try to brave “being normal in a restaurant”! 🙂
Nicole W. says
I about.died. reading this! Hilarious! Just get a sitter and have Jamin take you out alone. That’s what we do! I think all parents have these moments. Shoot, these days people look at us like we’re crazy regardless of what we are doing (5 kids).
Seriously, though, I have a ten yr old and an 8 yr old and I feel like I’ve arrived! It’s amazing what happens when you can actually reason with them, lol. As for the 3 yr old, well, he STILL insists he turned 40 instead of 3…sigh. How old does that make ME?!
Kelly Early says
I am really trying not to pee my pants right now. My sides hurt SO MUCH from laughing. THIS IS MY FAMILY! We have 3 girls, 8, 5 and 2. I’m amazed that – like forgetting the pain from childbirth – I forget the crazy, loud, sweat-inducing, stare-suffering pain that a meal out brings. I keep thinking, “but we’re training them! We NEED to take them to restaurants so they can LEARN how to behave in said restaurant!” What I need to do is realize that I am raising a LOUD bunch of silly, crazy daughters that can not sit still or chew with their mouth closed or NOT laugh at a burp/fart/snort. Oh, I “know” they’ll get it eventually, and that good mothers spend a lifetime repeating the same lesson over and over. And over. AND OVER. But just once I’d love to have a meal out with my family and come home not wanting to kill a throw pillow or seven. I love them. God gave them to me for a reason. And I can’t wait for the day when I can take them out to dinner with THEIR kids and laugh myself silly (inwardly, of course), when they suffer the same wrath from their kids. Who will probably, at that point in the future, have real light sabers or floating shoes or some nonsense. Meh.
Jen says
You make me laugh-cry every single time I stop by.
I thought you were talking about us for a minute… imagine if we ever got our families together and all went out… that could be fun times.
xo!
Jen
Mindy says
I so wanted not to laugh because I do not have small children anymore but you paint such an entertaining picture! Bless you for trying to eat in public : )
Rach says
Laugh-crying.
We only attempt to eat out with our 3 maybe once a year.
You are so dead on! Sometimes people ask us to go out, and we act like they just asked us to sign a pact with the devil. It’s really what they are doing.
So glad you get it!
Thanks for the laughs…
Amy Barber says
My momma always says Normal is just a setting on her dishwasher. Normal is a lot boring!
.:|Angela|:. says
What a hilarious but true post! It’s good to know that we’re not alone.
Deborah says
This would be funny …. IF IT WASN’T MY LIFE!! We recently took our three youngest boys (6yrs & 3.5 twins) on a week long cruise. That was 3 meals a day in restaurants. What were we thinking?! It was torture – for us and everyone seated near us.
Thanks for the reminder that it isn’t just my ‘little darlings’!!
Monica says
This why I read your blog– because I laugh so hard I cry and then I send the post to my sister to read. We have all been there– I promise.
Lisa Frank says
My 4 year old just asked me why I was crying if I was also laughing. Oh my gosh, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! It’s like you cloned my children and wrote a story about them. I feel like my friends’ kids are way better behaved in public than ours…but now I know about your kids, so I don’t have to be ashamed anymore. 🙂
Just this week we took them out to eat “in public” at a back-to-school BBQ. {Side note: why, oh why, would you choose to serve chicken drumsticks drenched in BBQ sauce to elementary kids?! You’re just asking for a disaster with that one.} During 15 minutes of eating, there was one dumped plate, one spilled water glass, wiping of BBQ-drenched hands onto their clothing AND the table, and forks used to scoop up sauce and salad dressing and then pat-pat-pat cool patterns onto their napkins and the tabletop. Because my children are apparently being raised by wolves. And those wolves need to glare and say “JUST.EAT.” about every 3 seconds x 100 times for the concept to sink in. I am counting down the days until they are OLDER and can possibly behave like semi-civilized human beings. 🙂
Lindsay at Life of Splendor says
Ashley, this was HILARIOUS!!! Oh the joys of parenthood I have yet to experience. At least I’ll get some good laughs when the time comes, hopefully? I’m trying to see the glass half full 🙂
Heather says
Definitely.not.alone! lol This post had me rolling! I have 2 boys…and 4 step children. Need I go any further? Ha! The oldest is 16 (she’s the most sane of the bunch), the next is 12 (he’s just not right at all), the next is 11(not biological but we claim him, he’s special), the next is 10 (she’s a miniature mama, has to oversee any and all goings on and declares herself the boss/referee/tattler), my oldest boy is 8 (he’s fairly laid back..until he is near siblings..then he is unrecognizable as the child that I birthed) and my youngest is 5 months. In that group, the 5 month old is the most quiet one, the cleanest one, never yells ‘fart!’ or ‘poop!’ and laughs hysterically, never kicks anyone, never throws food (maybe because he doesn’t eat solids yet lol), never gets mad because a sibling is staring/touching/breathing at him, and manages to stay in his seat, mostly still, and going to the bathroom every 5 minutes is ok for him because at least he doesn’t have to leave the table to do so and we can clean it up fairly quickly without the help of a store clerk/waitress. Don’t even get me started on my niece and nephew, the situation is unsalvagable if you add those two to the bunch! So yeah…not alone at all! But even so, they are such blessings and we manage to survive most outings without a death or major injury occurring. Whew! But we don’t do it often that’s for sure!!
Brittany says
Hahaha! This is so refreshing. I love being able to relate to the stories. Makes me feel so normal. When you publish said book of sentences you never thought you would hear- email me! I’d love to read it. I got a great laugh in tonight! Thanks for the humor.