I can confidently state that I’ve experienced the entire spectrum of emotions for a while now. Shock. Bargaining. Rage eating. Panic crafting. I think I experienced them all out loud, standing at the kitchen sink a few weeks ago. Jamin, who was emptying the trash feigned putting a bag over my head. “Shhhh, it will be easier this way,” he said. Good thing I can laugh about murder because I’ve probably lost my everlovingmind. I’ve concluded that if I were to time travel from 2000 and end up in 2020, I’d be so excited to see how amazing everything is for our family and life in general, only to flee in absolute… confusion. Along with fixating on what it would be like to be a time traveler, and murdering your spouse {sometimes both at the same time} here are a few {sarcastic and totally relatable} signs I’ve been in quarantine for too long.
1. I finally stopped eating my feelings. Kind of.
We went from a trip to Jamaica, to the end of the world. {I know, we scored a trip before the world ended = shut up about it already.} But my point is that my body has suffered an unusual amount of abuse for an entire month, to the point of hitting an equilibrium. Eventually I have to get tired of the intake and just adjust to an entirely new level of gluttony. I actually tried on my skinny jeans the other day and breathed a sigh of relief. Don’t get me wrong, that was after jumping a few times, and things were jiggling where they’ve never jiggled before, and I almost hyperventilated, but they fastened, and that counts.
::googles signs of liver damage::
Emerson keeps baking cakes. She’s discovered the power of baking as her own therapy, and won’t stop. Never mind that I’m supposed to be gluten free. It’s a Lord of the Flies, free for all over here, willpower totally screwed. At one point I just skipped the plate entirely and used a fork while standing at the counter. Yes it was one level above hands only, no I’m not an animal.
You know you’ve been in quarantine for too long when you stop stealing the kids’ Cadbury eggs, because maybe it’s time to reel it in, and have a salad.
I kid. We didn’t take the kids’ Cadbury eggs.
We have our own box #Quarantinefifteenforthewin
2. True Colors
We’ve all had those moments whilst watching the Walking Dead, when we wonder what we would look like in the apocalypse, right? One benefit may be a six pack from swinging at Zombies combined with a depleted food supply, and a side of really bad ombre. Or even if we lived in 1900? I would be half-blind for starters, since lasik doesn’t exist, paired with jacked teeth and also probably dead by now. I figured that’s because people were married at 13 and dead in childbirth at 16 a-la some doctor hocked on cocaine who thought bloodletting to help me get rid of my demons because I’m a female, would be a good idea.
Alas, I digress. Because the roots are totally showing.
I’m almost moved to desperation, to take a smidge of box hi-lights and work them into my roots. I’ve seen my stylist do it so many times. You just divide it with the skinny thingy and make it sectioned at the top in special smears. Based on my knowledge of technical language, I totally know what I’m doing. What could go wrong?
I’m just grateful I don’t depend on manicures on the regular, and these lashes are courtesy of Rodan + Fields. No attachments necessary. I have other {total first world} probs, but I’ll definitely spare you the details.
3. Netflix + Nightmares
I have horrible dreams that are terribly vivid. From struggling to open up my locker and make it to that math class I apparently skipped all semester {I don’t understand it, so I definitely won’t graduate}… to that overflowing toilet in the stall I decided to use and I have to go really bad. That was all one dream, btw.
The other night I was a member of the royal family, and we ventured out for a Broadway show in NYC where we were chased by a man who tried to pee on us. I think I’ve been watching too much of the news + The Crown, season 3?
Speaking of Netflix…
I feel like it’s gotten less judgy because I have yet to see an “are you still watching” notification. Did they take it down as a courtesy? Is mine broken? I’ve basically worked my way through every podcast, book, movie, and more. Joe Exotic is a total 3 on the enneagram per that book I just polished off, and did you see Ozark?!!?!
Probs why I’ve had all those dreams.
yay my yard doesn’t look like someone stopped caring in 1975 anymore! where’s my prize?
4. My Beautification Award
We’ve saved on enough gas money to pay for yard work. Maybe even Aiden’s first semester of college. I think we’re getting like, 300 miles to the gallon right now since we’ve been nowhere. I keep waiting on the city to drive by and put a placard in our yard because we will have accomplished pulling down our horrid fence and planting pretty things. Speaking of our car, it’s now outfitted with a patchwork knitted cover a-la a throwback to your VBS experience with Joseph and the coat of many colors. Our dogs have full on matching outfits, complete with handmade jeans, shoes, and hats.
I’m so busy working on my stained glass macrame resin jewelry collection, it stresses me out to think about reopening the economy. Yeah, we took a hit like everyone else with our small business, and we can tell people are getting excited. I don’t share their sentiments. I’m running out of crafting time.
You wanna go in mass hoards to protests? That’s fine. I think I’ll stay here for a few more months and see what happens to y’all first. At least until I finish mah stained glass gardening project, right after that oil painting series, before covering my children’s room in tiny bejazzles.
On second thought, maybe it’s time to be social again.
5. I’ve given up on homeschool
I love teachers. I do. They are the salt of the earth and the respect has only increased since this has begun. But please no more logging into the apps/quizziz/aleks/stupidthingsIcan’tspellorpronounce. And please, stop following up with multiple emails with each subject, paired with each child, followed by tri-weekly phone calls and emails from each school, and more followup phone calls and emails from the entire Williamson County School district. We’re done here.
Mama’s gotta work so we can afford the laptops on which we are doing the virtual learning fortheloveofgod.
I failed a quiz on Shel Silverstein I took with my 6th grader the other day. I made her change some answers when she asked me to check it. In my defense I hadn’t finished my coffee yet, and the questions could literally go either way. Quizziz is a total sham and I’ve decided I no longer care if my child fails one of these ridiculously rigged tests. I have a college degree, half of a master’s, and run my own business. I read regularly and have always loved good old Shel. I’m smart enough, y’all. And I object to the lower self-esteem that immediately ensued after failing.
I think I’ll attend a protest on that.
They’ve had way too much screen time and I don’t feel bad about it. They’re living their best lives. It’s almost May. How many more weeks of pretending to have our crap together do we possibly have? Proclaim it summer already.
Release us.
I can’t wait to venture out in a few months just so I can have more anxiety than I already had on the regular, sporting my brown roots and our family’s matching, hand-knitted outfits with bejazzled facemasks.
It’s gonna be so fetch. With a side of PTSD.
May the odds ever be in your favor. Cheers to surviving all things quarantine.
::Obligatory disclaimer: We realize that staying home is equal parts luxury and necessity right now. We can’t thank the essential + healthcare workers, enough. You’re our heroes. We feel for small businesses. Teachers are incredible. This was absolute satire… with a lot of relatable truth. You figure out which is which. But stay home. AKA, Put down your pitch fork and torch in the comments section, Carole Baskin::
Cindy says
Amen is in order! It’s good to vent especially while we still have free speech (we do don’t we?). Also as women muscle mass is harder to acquire. Besides what’s wrong with a well rounded perspective;) ?
ashley @ the handmade home says
Truth. Hoping to acquire more muscle mass today and actually stick to my workouts again. 😀 Stay well.
Sue says
Thanks for the entertainment. I needed a little distraction from my nap.
ashley @ the handmade home says
I truly hope you found this relatable on some level. Maybe just pure entertainment for me losing it completely. Hurray for naps! Stay well ;}
Sarah LeClair-Jones says
Bahahaha! I loved this and totally relate. My 16 yo daughter is teenagering so hard right now that we are all at our wit’s end. Love your blog and how you keep things real! I shared your site with my sister who is creating a watercolor-inspired nursery right now–she’s going to love it here! Cheers!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thank you so much for the sweet note, Sarah – you’re too sweet to stop by. It’s so good to know we’re not alone! Hope your sister can use some ideas!
Lesli says
Thank you for sharing your quarantine experience with us. I love the way you write and can so relate to everything to your feelings! Take good care, stay safe and keep sharing!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA! Thanks so much Lesli – it’s just good to know I’m not alone. ;} Hugs to you! stay safe + well
Kristen says
I agree with that Quizzez – my daughter has been assigned this for her 7th grade classes and I’m over trying to FT work from home (my barking Great Pyrenees in all my Webex calls), FT Single Mom and FT lesson chaser. What is up with the nightmares!? I dreamed of my ex husband two days in a row– now talk about the wicked witch – I was evil for days! Thank goodness for my telehealth and I now moved to HBO monthly NOW app….
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA! RIGHT?! SO over it. And now the prezzy wants them back in school. I think I reserve my parental rights to NOT send them. 😀 AND THE DREAMS! I had a horrible one last night. Jamin wanted to go back to his old job and he sold our home without even asking me. I was done. Then I started shoving my face with mac n cheese. I can’t have mac n cheese right now because gluten so maybe that’s why??? HAHA! Hang in there. I feel ya with the barking dogs – we have two half-pyrenees over here and they won’t stop barking! I think they’re just as stressed out as us…