Jamin is a youth minister.
It is summer.
I shall now let those statements stand alone. On their own. So that the utmost recognition and camaraderie from youth minister wives everywhere may nod in solemn, unified empathy.
I did the single parenting gig. Alone. For two weeks.
Two. Weeks.
I will do it again and again in rando succession after succession to survive the horrors of summer. Year after year.
This is nothing for some. From widows, to military wives, even to those married to lazy people… others live like this. There are endless situations varying in different ways for different people who do it on their own every day. Let it be known that I bow down to you in solemn respect and complete admiration. You. Are. Amazing.
I had to get that out of the way, because even though that’s true, it doesn’t make my reality-drama any easier. For two weeks, I almost died.
Some people are good at handling it all on their own. I am good at working as a team. So when Jamin leaves, I’m also good at eating my weight in Hershey’s chocolate bars and rocking back and forth whilst humming slightly comforting/borderline creepy songs to myself and hiding in the pantry.
I find myself in situations where people want to bash their husbands, and I just sit there, with a blank stare on my face. Like a dead bird. They’re all, “Yeah. Jeano just sat there while I took them to the party, then I bathed Samuel and Lafawnda and then I put them down for bed after I cleaned the entire house, and went to the store. He just played video games/went hunting/insert-time-consuming-hobby-overused-as-an-excuse-to-not-help-their-wives, here. Don’t you hate it when they do that?” And I just stare. Because I can’t really get past the fact that they named their daughter Lafawnda, and twelve year olds trapped in grown men’s bodies who won’t pitch in around the home don’t really rock my world. I have nothing to contribute so then I’m all, “Yeah. Jamin totally forgot to put the toothpaste back the other day. Gah. Loser!” I even shake my fist in the air for added anger emphasis but it never seems to work. Trust me, we have our own issues. {See: communication} This isn’t one of them.
I’ve decided single parenting must be like that time I was nine and attended this camp in the summer. There was zero air conditioning. They made us sit in the 110 degree heat and memorize the Bible and someone pooped in the sink, so I didn’t brush my teeth for a week. The kids started to drop like flies. To pass the time, I just focused on who my crush was, and if corn bread would be served for dinner. I’m pretty sure they made some references to Hell and why we wouldn’t want to go there because we too, would drop like flies and be forced to brush our teeth in poop sinks. By the end of the week I was totally acclimated to the deep south heat and when I returned to my parent’s 20th century air-conditioned house, I was freezing and my teeth were clean.
Single parenting must be like an acclimation thing. Mixed with survival of the fittest, trapped in a cage with rabid chimpanzees pooping in sinks. Because this is real life a-la Hunger Games, with my single most goal to keep everyone alive.
Challenge accepted.
I started with my best. I rose with the sun and made stacks of pretty little baby pancakes per their request. They had veggies and fruit for dinner. They proclaimed truths like “Mommy’s organic chicken is better than Daddy’s organic chicken,” and I beamed with pride and documented this in text form to my abandoning husband whilst folding the laundry in perfect piles and organizing the junk drawers in the kitchen. A-Game.
We even ventured alone for a few days to the beach to meet a friend where we did the single parenting gig together. I felt like a real live grown up. I lovingly applied sunscreen and hauled things to the beach and pool repeatedly, and we had fun.
She fell asleep like this in the sand. Next to some trash. So I took a picture.
One night, we decided to brave it and head to LuLu’s for dinner. We were sitting outdoors and the kids were playing in the sand when I realized we were missing Malone. I’m a crazy helicopter mom and never let them out of my sight. So I’d just started that panicked move of running across the sand, calling his name. A friend of all people, who just happened to be there as well, spotted him in the parking lot and brought him back to me.
From. The. Parking. Lot.
Grateful doesn’t express it. This tsunami wave-of-mixed-emotions moment pulled me under. It was a mix of wanting to cry/relief/being that person who projectile vomited at a public restaurant. There had been little things all week, but I think that was the beginning of the end for me in terms of feeling helplessly inadequate, and downright not-with-it.
There are no super mom capes over here. Just me, trying not to blow it so my kids won’t have to spend years in therapy complaining about how mom redid their room too many times, never let them have chips for snacks and totally lost them in a public place. Trying.
By Monday back at home, absolute exhaustion set in. The beach as a single parent will do that to you. I drug myself out of bed like that demon girl from The Ring after swatting at my three year old who hovered bedside for two hours asking for food. I pulled myself all the way to the kitchen with my upper arms bent at a ridiculous angle, and hissed at the kids for good measure while I slammed down dry cereal for them to pour themselves. I’m pretty sure I did a crab walk on the ceiling in fast motion for added dramatic appeal. They were all, “But what about pancakes?” So I threw some frozen chicken fingers out and told them they could suck on those like batter-coated lollipops.
I referee way too much, so I let them duke it out, while Emerson screamed like a psychotic banshee and Malone proclaimed that he was hungry for the fifth time at nine o’clock – one hour after his third breakfast. We skipped bathing a few times because sometimes the pool totally counts.
On Tuesday Aiden fell and busted his chin. Wide open. To the point where I could see the fatty layer hanging out and I was totally that mom at the doctor with nothing more on than a cover up, two loud littles and one hysterical, soaking-wet seven year old. I held him down for what seemed like an eternity while they numbed and stitched him up. Nine stitches. Jamin commented from Miami that he’s sad he missed it… This rite of passage with boys and their first stitches. I replied with, ‘That’s a good story’. We made it nearly eight years without any, so I guess I should be proud of that.
At some point in the week, since Aiden was banned from swimming until said stitches were removed (read: my survival plan died a-la Britney’s 2007 MTV comeback) I completely lost my mind and took them to the toy store. I decided that new toys (something we never do) would be fun. We spent an hour, each child changed their mind five times, and Malone threw himself on the floor and kicked his feet in some weird Vanilla Ice meets Jane Fonda’s 80’s bicycle move because he couldn’t handle the concept of a twenty dollar price point. He clung to the 150 dollar box of Legos, five years beyond his age range screaming like I’d repeatedly stomped on his head, while I sauntered into the next aisle pretending I didn’t know him. I solemnly swore to never take my children to the toy store again because they morph into tiny rabid, brain munching toy zombies in public.
I realized on Thursday when I spied Chloe drinking blow-up pool water in the yard that I was officially the woman who forgot to feed the dog for three two days. She’d survived off of rain water and stealing table scraps. I kept wondering why she was so aggressive at dinner. By then, my brain had turned to some mix between chlorine slime and mom mush held together with coffee. The downhill spiral continued when we had Burger King, and then pizza. Because sometimes Burger King and pizza really can make it all better and stop judging me.
My 3.99999 year old still. Craps. His. Pants.
By Friday, we were out of strawberries, turkey, and lots of other things. The best laid plans of mice and men had not served me well in avoiding the grocery. I refused to haul all three to the store so they could complain about not buying every box of KeeblerDoritosLittleDebbie they spied, for sheer sanity’s sake. And I locked Emerson in her room again for screaming until she threatened to cut her hair and I realized since we’re redoing her room I’d actually left a pair of scissors in there. Maybe I should have called her bluff, but I didn’t really want to do the whole stitches thing again and I hadn’t realized at the time that she hadn’t actually found the scissors. I’m pretty sure we will not make it past fifteen.
On Saturday, the novelty of Siri had officially worn off for entertainment purposes. The question “where’s my daddy” is complicated for Siri when your child has a slight speech impediment. Siri will reference borderline racy connotations with bad words, and provide searches on interesting topics. It was raining, endlessly. So at this point I broke out their fourth (Okay. Sixth) movie for the week.
Hallelujah praise the end was near. I’m their mother. It’s not supposed to be this hard.
Late Sunday, on his way home, Jamin asked if we needed anything, and mentioned he was stopping by the store. Our kitchen resembled someone surviving the Mayan/Alien/Black Plague/Apocalypse, and we were definitely fresh out of Hershey’s. But there’s something about that home stretch that is multiplied times a billion in terms of my patience level and having none left whatsoever. I was feeling a little stabby, so instead of sending him a list, I asked him if he wanted to die.
The other day someone asked me why Youth Ministers stay so busy all the time, and what they do. Bless them. I’m pretty sure I twitched a little as I refrained from stabbing them in the eyeballs with chopsticks. Because for that question, I would drive to my fave Thai food joint, and ask for some premeditated chopsticks.
So props to you, single parents everywhere. I have no idea how you do it, but you deserve a medal of highest utmost honor, simply for keeping them alive. Props. To. You.
And no one died.
This may possibly be my favorite post ever. Thank you I can’t stop laughing.
Two words. Girls.Night. Obviously you need/deserve it. See you tonight.
Laugh out loud hysterically funny and wonderful way to start the day.
My personal mantra was that they had to be alive and CONSCIOUS when the hubby came home…because they could have been alive and in a coma, and that kind of looks bad. Had one kid…if she was alive and conscious at the end of each day…I had done my job. Didn’t matter if we ate, bathed, had clean clothes or were infested with critters…if she was alive and conscious…job well done.
This made my day! During the six years that my husband was a youth pastor we were kid less. I can’t even FATHOM having, our now five kids, during that time and how different life would have looked. I am sure that not everyone would have survived! Great job on keeping everyone breathing! 🙂
~Sarah
OMG!!!! I laughed………not at you, I swear it was WITH you…….. thru this whole post! I have soooooooooo been there………..but you rocked it, got thru……….and remember NO ONE DIED! Props to you!!!
I am dying in fits of laughter over here!
I was a single mom for a while and I understand everything you just said. There are days you just want to go out in the back yard and sit and cry, regroup, come back in and try again. But, they grow up, they go to college, the move, and then you look at ball fields and think, wow I wish we were still going there…. I remember my pastor telling me when my youngest was about 3 and we had had a very difficult Sunday morning…. He said “Enjoy the JOYS of your children”.. I didn’t think it was funny at the time but later I understood. He had teenagers and he knew that what I thought was a horrible morning with a trying 3yr old was a piece of cake compared to a trying teenager!!!
ohmygosh. I’m dying. My husband is the equestrian program manager at a Christian camp and while he does get to come home at night, during staff training and hunting season, he is gone until well after the kids are in bed and leaves way before they get up. And, for 3-4 weeks per year (at minimum) he is actually gone gone. I can relate… except that I’m and hour and a half from my closest grocery store/hospital/Starbucks/anythingotherthanamountain… so it’s challenging, to say the least! (We’re in the most remote county in the lower 48 so for fun, we have the park… that’s it.) Thank you for allowing me to laugh about the ridiculousness that is my life. 🙂 I appreciate it more than you know!
Like other mom’s, I can totally relate. I have just one thing to add to the mix – try being a stepmom. Yeah, that. Where everyone feels they have the ‘right’ to MondayMorningParent and tell you ALL the things YOU did wrong while they were absolutely nowhere to be found.
It’s just possible that I may have some unresolved ‘issues’ on this subject. Even though I’m now a gramma and the youngest is 29.
“And no one died.”
I hear that one a lot from friends. I can not imagine.
I am a stepmom to a 22 and almost 17 year-old, and have a 13 year-old from my first marriage and we have a 7 year-old together. My step-kids have lived with us since my husband and married, 9 years ago, and let me just say parenting is HARD as we all know, but step-parenting is its own breed of emotional turmoil and responsibility with so many unwritten rules and boundaries. To add to the drama, I have just been diagnosed with MS, {am a special ed teacher}, and my energy-level and physical state at this time are at an all-time low. All the while I never stop being a mom, step-mom, or wife. I have faced limits and things I thought I would never be able to do, but somehow God has helped me perfrom the best of all of my roles that I can. Your story brought a huge smile to my face!
New to your blog, I can’t help but laugh at how much I’m just this way when I’m left home alone…I’m glad I’m not the only one. Sheesh, even the normal every 8 to 5 has me begging my husband to hurry home. I’m DREADING next week when he’s gone to a training for a whole week. It’s a good thing my mom lives just a few houses away….I think we will move in.
Best post I’ve read in a long time…and I’m glad no one died! You did it! =)
I am pretty sure i should not have read this. My husband is going to be gone for 3-6weeks this summer and I was trying to be optimistic. Now not so much. Ha! Glad he is home an everyone survived. I think I will start stocking up on chocolate now…
CONGRATULATIONS!
YOU HAVE JUST EARNED A WEEKEND – ALL BY YOURSELF – AT ORANGE BEACH, ALABAMA! (and you can go to LuLu’s without fear of losing a little; or you can go in the other direction and sit on a comfy sofa right on the sand, resting your tootsies on a lovely faux Persian carpet, while eating an unbelievably delicious burger and sipping the beverage of your choice, at The Gulf, an outdoor restaurant right at the foot of the bridge).
CONTACT THE ABOVE FOR DETAILS…
And this ain’t no joke!
Too funny! I think ( or at least I like to think) that we’ve all been there at some point. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
You survived and all are better for it.
You seriously crack me up girl. I feel like that after 3 day weekends. None of my children would survive 2 weeks with me. Thanks for the laugh!!
Loved it! I also have a very helpful, involved husband. During the few times he has had to stay out of town for work, I felt about the same as you. Hilarious
I’ve been a military wife for 22 yrs and I feel like this every single time my husband deploys, goes on TDY, etc. I have no idea why God thought I would make a good Marine Corps spouse…haha…but here I am…and no one has died, especially me. Thanks for the validation!
So. Very. True.
I laughed so hard… I think I cried a little too… This was the most amazing post EVER hahaha I’m glad you made it 😉
This. was. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your horror story. I could have written this last october.
I’m a wife of a pilot. He leaves before 6 am every Wednesday and doesn’t get back until late Saturday night. The first year he worked was hard – really REALLY hard. I had two little kids, we’d just moved a thousand miles away from my family, I knew no one, and I had to now drive on the FREAKIN FREEWAY just to get to the grocery store. You add that to the fact that I only saw my hubby three days out of the week, and I’m still not sure how I survived.
But I’m used to it now. It’s just my life.
However, last october, hubby had to go for THREE WEEKS to do a huge retraining. (which also meant that for 6 months previous he’d been spending HOURS at the library every day he actually was home). And those two little kids were now 7 and 6 . . . and I also had a 2.5 year old (with major speech/language problems) . . . and a 2 MONTH old that woke 5-7 times a night.
I was sure I’d be fine. “I do this all the time. It’s just a little longer than normal, it’ll be great”.
Nope. Reality is a much different master.
I feel for you. I really, REALLY do!
Oh my word – you’re hilarious! I literally laughed out loud because I have SO BEEN THERE! Glad to know that I felt a medal of honor was the same reward needed for simply keeping them alive! Kudos to you!
Thank you for a good laugh. I’m sitting here building Ninja Turtle Legos with my five year old and trying not to laugh food out of my nose.
And no one died….awesome 🙂
I just read this whole thing to my husband. So so funny. The shaking your fist in the air totally resonates with us. When we get mad at stupid drivers we’ve always shaken our fists in the air while my hubs says “shake your fist at them” all shouty like. We can’t wait till Clara is old enough to join in on the fist shaking. my mom was a single mom since I was three and my sister was five. I don’t think I will ever be able to say thanks enough for all the years of sacrifices and silliness she had to deal with. I seriously pulled a butcher knife on my sister when she changed the channel on the tv and mom was at work. Please Lord, don’t let my daughter be like me.
I don’t think I could have enjoyed reading this more. And it makes me feel better that I am SUCH a whiny baby who also will eat…well food found between the couch cushions, before taking my (only) TWO to the store while my husband is out of town. It’s like adding insult to injury. And I joke that if he ever left me I’d gain 100 lbs and it would be THAT much harder to find his replacement because for some reason when he’s out of town I eat myself into oblivion from the moment the children go to bed until 2 hours later when I do. Anyway God bless you and your husband for ministering and serving!
“My 3.99999 year old still. Craps. His. Pants.”
Favorite sentence in a blog EVA!!! Love your blog. Hysterical and real, Ashley. You rock! Thanks for sharing and making all us moms feel like we’re not alone 😉
My husband used to travel on business 4 days a week for years. I would do it all with 2 young girls – Girl Scouts (I was the leader), soccer, piano lessons, dance lessons, etc. When Dad came home, he would hear about some issues I had with the girls (not from me!) and then he would want to discipline them. I always felt like saying, “who are you to talk to MY children like that?” I resented him being gone while I dealt with all the stuff at home! Looking back – he missed so much. Today those girls are 34 and 38 with families of their own. We survived.
Really enjoyed reading your blog! New follower!
Ok, I don’t even know where to start. I’m weeping and may have peed my pants from laughing too hard. I feel like I should introduce myself like I’m at an AA meeting: Hi, my name is Lauren and I’m a youth pastor’s wife. There is my solemn, unified nod of empathy. This week happens to be our first week off school AND the first trip (of many) of the summer for hubby. You took every thought, emotion, and reaction right out of my life and brain. Thanks for giving me a great laugh today and letting me know I’m not the only youth pastor’s wife of three littles that turns into a writhing monster upon single parentdom. Thank you.
Lauren Mills (yes, share the last name even).
Lol I have been a single parent for almost 4 years now- and I have my son all the time. What you just described is about what my life resembles half the time. We arent super hero’s we just learn how to hide the crazy! That and you have friends and family who help you stay sane. It is an art that you don’t learn until you have too. But for the record I totally feel your pain….and Hersey’s fix a lot.
I have a (few) friends whose husbands are youth pastors…I think I’ll refer one of them to your post here…I thank the Lord my husband isn’t, but he still sometimes goes away, yet not only in the summer and for more than a work week in length… thanks for being funny.
I’m dying laughing over this!! It’s like you peered into my house this week and recorded our routine.
This was absolutely hilarious. and I hear your pain. Well done. You did it and with humor.
Single-mom Ashley is a funny Ashley. I’m about to embark on the same thing in a couple of days. Glad to join your ranks and know that I’m not the only person who goes all horror-movie on life when home alone with THOSE PEOPLE.
Hooray for surviving! Your writing took me right back. I am so glad my kids aren’t littles anymore. I remember the first morning I didn’t have to get up to make breakfast anymore. Life changing!
Rolling on the floor, tears in my eyes, laughing. I love how blunt you are! My hubby runs a retail store & works 70-80 hrs a week, Oct-Dec, I sooo know how you feel.
I loved this so much… at your expense. Going to share on my FB page so my single mom/pastor’s wife friends can commiserate. Glad you’re all still alive.
Holy crackers, this is all shades of funny. I only got two – well, the little one counts for five because he’s autistic – but I totally bow down to you.
I don’t think I have ever commented before, but, this was so unbelievably hilarious that I just had to say thanks for the entertaining recap of your misadventures by yourself. May the force and many hershey bars be with you for the next go around!
This was so funny yet cringeworthy. Familiar yet took me by surprise. I loved it yet hated you had to go it alone. It does get better!
Props to you for keeping them alive!!
You’ve had me laughing through the entire thing. I’m with you on all of it (and I only have 1 kid!). My husband is a dream (hubby/father/helpmate) and I struggle on my own. He has started traveling every other month to Romania and it is so hard! Thanks for keeping it real!
Hahaha!!! I love this post! I can somewhat understand what you’re going through. This past Spring a similar situation occurred in our house. Thankfully, mine was only a week, but it felt like the loooongest week of my life!!! When I’m super upset, I don’t eat, I spend money, so almost four months later, the upset spending is finally coming back under control (… well next month hopefully.)
Love it! My husband is an Air Force pilot, and we have four young kiddos, so I can sooo relate! Sometimes it’s all about survival! But I have to say, taking 3 kids to the beach (or on any other “vacation”) without your husband or some grandparents? Rookie mistake :).
I’m dying! This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read! Asleep in the sand next to trash…hilarious. I’m not a mom but I could still feel the panic and desperation. Congrats for surviving and keeping all the little people alive.
My wife forwarded this to me at work and said “you need to read this”. Halfway into it I was laughing so hard I was crying. Awesome read and totally made my afternoon.
I’ve heard it said that minister’s wives have a special place in Heaven because they’ve already been through **LL on earth! Bless you.
Haha I loved this! I feel this way consistently because I am a single mom. However the blessing is in knowing the impact I have on my little person. A midst all the chaotic moments are ones I call silver linings where it is pure joy and happiness. Those moments make all the crazy/hard ones worth it. I am going to attempt the loft bed. I love the idea! Thanks.
I’m fairly new to your blog – but it was suggested to me by my bestie (Carol) and I have thoroughly enjoyed reading! I only have one little – but my hubby is working full time and going to school – so I feel like a crazy person half of the time – and you so eloquently put into words how the rest of us feel most of the time I think! Thank you for making us laugh – and find solace in the fact that we all feel this way at one point or another!
Ohhhh, it is so much harder to have a helpful hubby who is gone. I’ve been there too. Why/how anyone would marry a spouse who (when home) doesn’t lift a finger is totally beyond me. I mean, really ladies! You deserve better. Um, like now. Anywho…congrats on keeping 4 people alive and maintaining enough sanity to write this hilarious blog post (including internationally-sensitive words like whilst). Wink, wink! Just don’t go all Madonna us. I’m searching the www now for a contest to enter you in for Best Mom Blogger Ever.
Yes, I agree. Best Mom Blogger Ever. Oh, yeah!
I seriously laughed out loud reading this! I love a good poop story! Lol!
Oh No!! I feel for you, and I feel like that with just one child and a puppy!! I watched my sister with her brood of 4 – 3 under 7 and a 14 year old, and thought – No Way!! Not for me!! It can be overwhelming! Now I feel guilty for giving my husband a hard time because of all the extra hours he does – I want him, not extra money – and he works just down the road!! He went on a 2 week holiday recently, and though it feels like he is never home, it was too much not having him here an hour at night and 2 in the morning, just to know someone is there if you need them!
Ashley, you really are a hero to so many! I always look forward to your posts!
Awesome post! Makes the rest of us feel “normal” when we are single parenting and not use to it! I laughed so hard (in empathy)! You def deserve a girls night/adult night! 🙂
I’m SO glad you all survived! This has to be the funniest story I’ve heard in ages. You really have a way with words. Thanks for sharing and for being real.
I laughed out loud and then looked around the quiet room to see if anyone saw me. Your line about the chicken lollipops had me belly laughing. Great post and Kudos for you for surviving!
This was hilarious! And so, so true… I’m a military wife, so doing things alone is fairly common; my husband was deployed for all of 2009. And when he’s here, he tends to revert to that 12 year old mentality you mentioned, but still, having him around is great when I reach my breaking points. He does seem to know when I really, really need a moment alone to breathe. So congrats on surviving 2 weeks! It is not as easy at it may seem!
Youth minister’s wife here, too. So glad someone else understands how time stands still the very last hour when they’re supposed to be coming home but “So-and-so’s mom is late picking them up from church camp.” I want to call CPS on So-and-so’s mom for being 15 minutes late and maybe scream a little at her because I’ve been with little people for too long. Also, you forgot to mention how the day after daddy gets home is still a single parenting day, because aformentioned husband is wiped out from his trip. Standing united with you, sister! We WILL survive summer, and maybe our children will love Jesus someday too!
YES. YES. YES. YOU just hit my number one complaint on the head. And the repeat offenders… it’s like they’re COMPLETELY clueless. I want to be all, do you remember what this is like?! They have no idea how deep my distain runs. I feel like they’re using us to babysit their kids. Especially when it happens Every. Single. Time. Jamin has started telling the late ones fifteen minutes earlier than the rest, so that they show up on time. HA!
I laughed until I cried! Great read! I am so happy that you survived and no one died!
Seriously THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! My husband always gives me a hard time because some/most days he walks in the door from work, I’m running past him saying I have got to get out of here they are driving me crazy!!!! I LOVED this so much!! Pinning to my favorite reads, because it was so comforting and funny all in the same 🙂 Thank you for being honest, and seriously anyone who judges you, probably has a nanny 🙂 Because all I can say is AMEN! ~Bre
Glad you made it through! Hope little Aiden is okay, too! You really tell it like it is with great honesty and humor. It’s not easy. Thanks for giving props to us single moms. So many times I felt like I couldn’t do it, but I had no choice. You learn very quickly to prioritize what you need to do before you even get out of bed in the morning.
Glad to see I’m not the only one like this! When I’m gone, I’m fairly certain my husband does not have this problem. Why must it be this way? I guess its a good thing – it shows that he’s my other half…or something that *sounds* romantic.
YOU. SAID. IT. PERFECTLY! Thank you for the laughs and the comfort knowing it’s not just me! My husband is NOT home much, he works long hours and travels! You pretty much summed up 5 out of 7 days of our week. I had my 18mo in an ambulance ride after falling face first into a clothing rack in a store and needing 8 stitches all while my husband was in India..the only reason we were still in said store was because his big sister WAS NOT FINISHED coloring a picture. She made sure the picture made it out of the store with us, oblivious of the blood all over ME! and it goes on and on..I start everyday prepared to have a super productive, healthy dinner kinda day..and monkey wrenches get thrown left and right! Thanks AGAIN!
Favorite post ever.
Amazing post! I am currently spending my first week alone with my soon to be one year old, the most time I have ever spent home alone since my husband and I got married, let alone with a child in tow. I can totally relate to how you feel. I am the woman who never has anything to complain about in regards to her husband and when he walks in the door at 5 pm, aside from serving family dinner and cleaning up after wards (but sometimes he cleans up as well), I am off to the gym or shopping or out with my girlfriends until the little one is fast asleep in bed. This week however there has been no time off, no one to talk to, no one to help clean, the laundry is still not done (because he usually does it), but like you no one has died yet! Sunday, can you please come faster!
I was alone with a 3 month old for one year when my husband deployed…and again for several weeks off and on with a 2 year-old and 6 month old. Reading your blog brought tears to my eyes from laughing so hard. I vividly recall many occasions just like the week you described. It’s never easy to do it alone, but somehow we come out fairly unscathed. Congratulations for keeping everyone alive.
Oh. My. Gosh. That has to be the funniest post I’ve ever read! No one died, but I almost did – laughing until I cried! You must write a book – it would sell millions!! I haven’t read a post and laughed out loud with such frequency since – well, never. Oh, that felt good – the belly laughs while reading your most hilarious misfortunes of being a temporary single parent. Thanks for this post – you should do stand-up!!
Love it. Thanks for posting this and making us all feel that our “slip-ups” are totally normal. When my better half (so serious) was out of town I accidentally locked a kid in his room and couldn’t figure out how to get him out for about 10 minutes (new house). The next day I locked us out of the house & had forgotten to re-hide the spare key. Recently I lost my husbands keys somewhere between the car & the house. Me + locks = bad news.
Youth Pastor’s Wives Unite! I’m at the very beginning of the month that I have to spend without him this year. He’ll be home for a total of 1 1/2 days between his three summer trips. I have a 2-month-old and a toddler who already made a poop mural on the wall, not to mention the other two kids who, like yours, have been duking it out, coming to me with their complaints about each other, while I’m hooked up to a pump every three hours for a newborn who can’t nurse, and I just reply, “I don’t care! Leave me alone for five minutes!!” Anyway, I feel your pain.
Anna
Bahahaha! My husband is a youth pastor and was just in Mexico for a week where he sticks very closely to the “no news is good news” policy even with me. My boys are 4, 2.75 and 18 months. I CAN FEEL YOUR WORDS!
Thanks for writing this:)
onewiththepastor.com
Girl, I so feel your pain. I too am a youth minister’s wife and the swinging solo summers are not cool. I know he is “working hard” hanging with teenagers at the beach half the summer but I would get a little resentful about it when my boys were younger. (3 kids in 4 yrs.) He would sometimes offer to bring us along, the crazy train would have really left the station, then. By all means, let me come along and watch you hang and have fun with kids that aren’t yours while I corral the 3 we have in a strange place, in the heat, near a massive body of water. No Thanks! Perhaps I’m a little dramatic. I do know that he does work hard and he would actually rather be with us (most of the time) than with anyone else. Mine are a bit older now, 10, 12 & 13. This yr. I get to send one to camp with him. A few more years and they’ll all be going with him and I’ll have a week to myself! Hang in there, it does get easier. I’m with you though, BIG PROPS to the single moms doing it all the time.
AMEN. ;} You nailed it on the head, sister!
Mine wanted us to go with him this year to a big beach camp in Alabama. Really, me and the four kids–including a newborn–knowing exactly what we’re missing out on, and going to bed at 8 when all the fun youth stuff really gets going at 10…?!
This is my life.
This is my first summer with a baby. Babies+youth ministry+summer=CRAZY!
My amazing wonderful does-so-much blessing of a youth minister husband is on his first week long trip of the summer.
I’m glad to know that no one dying is a possibility. I was beginning to get worried.
You are HI-LA-RI-OUS!!! Bless you!!!! I’m glad you survived. 🙂 I see a much needed “mom-off-duty” weekend in your near future!
hahaha! I’m sure it wasn’t so funny LIVING it…but it was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time! We have all been there. When my husband works a week-long stretch of doubles, I’m in stabby text mood by day 5. He won’t even look in my direction on day 7. haha
…and my two sisters and I were raised by a single mom and yes, they deserve props. There are moments when I want to whine, but then I think about my mom and what a little sissy I might seem like to her! Yeah, I don’t call her much with “problems.” haha
You are so going to love this. My now-adult daughter sent this to me. She thought it would bring back fond memories of Dad’s business trips… Thanks for the laughs and hang in there. The are still alive. Just remember to hum is that creepy way.
LOL i could not stop laughing at this! Truly hilarious!
Oh Ashley, thank you for this! I’m a bit late to this post, but that’s because I just finished my own 3 week single parenting extravaganza. I had help from my parents for part of the time, but I still wanted to die. Seriously, I turn into a raging crazy lunatic when my husband isn’t around to help. What would we do without them?
Also, can you be my friend at Haven this year? You always make me smile and I don’t know a single person going (not non-virtually, anyway)!
Ha! You are not alone, girl. And OF COURSE I will be your friend! I can not wait to hang out! ;} SO glad you are going!!!
I.feel.ya.sista!! Not a youth minister’s wife….but just survived a month (ok…it was 5 days) without my partner in crime and grime. I think my 3 year old and 9 month old heard me singing the Hallelujah chorus when my husband got home. I certainly am grateful to God for a hands on Daddy!
oh.my.gosh! my husband is also a youth minister. don’t you sometimes ask “why…why are we doing this?!” and then you remember…kinda a big deal. i totally relate. in fact, my hubby leaves friday, so i’m gonna have to keep reading this post over and over…to remind myself i’m not alone. thanks.
This was hilarious! Even though I’m sure it wasn’t for you at the time. But I totally understand your situations. I’ve had many of them myself. My hubby works 60hrs a wk on top of some Saturdays, so I can stay home with the kids and a lot of times I feel like a single mom. And believe it or not your blog post was encouraging!
This is the most hilarious, accurate, and funny-but-sad-because-i-know-what-you-mean thing I have ever read.
I really needed these laughs. Thank you for being so dang honest. You made this fellow youth pastor wife feel a little more sane!
Thank you, thank you for this post. I had to read it out loud to my husband. I laughed so hard I was crying. I enjoy your blog so much!
I am literally laughing so hard I’m crying. Which is totally not cool because I’m AT WORK – my actual public place of work! – trying to not laugh out loud which kind of makes me look like I’m having a seizure.
Thank you for your wonderful writing skills about anything and everything. Your use of the run-on sentence is a total work of art in and of itself. Love, love, love it!
I had to stop and comment on this post, and say “thank you!” Thank you for sharing some REAL moments. Maybe it’s the third pregnancy thing and the tiredness, but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed (in a bad way) by all the perfect everything online lately. Perfect kids, perfect house, perfect clothes, you get the picture. Meanwhile, my house looks like a band of rabid monkeys moved in and took over, and my hubs has been working 12 hours a day most days. I’m just starting to come out of that first trimester haze, so I know things will get better. Anyways, it made me feel better today to read your post…I love the way you write. 🙂
I HATE JUNE AND JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I have TWO almost 3.5 year olds who STILL. CRAP. THEIR. PANTS. Ok, who are we kidding, they PEE their pants most of the time, too…
Oh yeah, then there’s the baby… but I guess it’s ok that he still pees and poops his pants…
Did I mention I HATE JUNE AND JULY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Wanna start a campaign for a youth minsitry wives strike?
No, seriously…
I. love. this. post.
You totally just made me feel better about the fact that my brain pretty easily turns to some sort of sludge (sometimes angry toxic sludge) when I am left alone with the 4 and 5 year old for too long. I’m hoping that’s just because this LOUD phase of parenting is new to me since these kids just moved in (foster adoption) less than four months ago, but I’ve been a parent for 13 years so you’d THINK I could easily handle a couple of little kids. HA! Anyway, love, love this post, and I feel like far less of a failure. 😉
Delightful first visit to your blog!
This rocks my world! My husband is currently a youth pastor, with another part time job, and going to school to get his masters full time. I am a full time working Mommy with a 2 year old and I am expecting our second… while reading your post I was “AMEN” ing every 5 seconds. Sometimes Burger King, movies, and hiding in the pantry totally works to keep afloat. So far, no one had died at my house either.
I have absolutely no makeup left on my face. My mouth has frozen into that weird crampy downward turn for laughing so hysterically hard for the last 10 minutes. I have NEVER, I repeat NEVER, read something so dang funny and so true, since the days of Erma Bombeck. Absolutely priceless! For this post alone, I am professing my loyalty to you as a fellow mom and adding you to my Feedly! Son of a gun, I have not laughed that hard in months! Thank you and God bless you!
Girl. I died laughing reading this. And then read it again. My husband was a youth pastor for 6 years, so our summer were like that every. single. summer. In fact, one such summer, I spent 2 weeks living in someone’s basement (our house hadn’t sold in our previous city) with my then 2-year-old while my husband was in Ukraine. For the love. Great, great post.
I should add that now my husband is a pastor and will only be gone one week this summer, to Haiti. I can do one week solo… I can do it. Am I trying to convince you…or myself? 🙂
Hilarious!!! I can totally relate! Thanks for sharing!!!
-ali
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Okay, this was absolutely hysterical, and I can so relate. My husband, who’s been a youth pastor for 10+ years, just left for annual 2 week retreat. My friend who I assume is a fan of your sight, facebooked me this story, after hearing me gripe endlessly about it. I so feel your pain. Trying to take care of my 3 year old and 10 month old, while trying to work some ER shifts, and maintain some type of sanitation in the house about did me in. Mine ended with a complete meltdown in my gym parking lot when I thought I threw my keys away in the gym trash. I called my husband sobbing and screaming, “I’m going the through the dumpster!”, to which he was pleading, “No Laura! Calm down! You’ll get a venereal disease!” I was unconsolable. I laugh now. But not then.
My husband and I live in Ohio, but used to live in Fairhope, Alabama (left in 2002) while I was going to PA school. Our absolute favorite place to hang out was Lulu’s! Even saw Jimmy Buffet play there once unannounced. Great memories. Miss that place.
Well, thanks for sharing your life’s craziness, makes me feel a little better about mine! It’s amazing at all that any parent keeps can their kid alive. I told that today to my patient who brought in her 12 month old for burns on his hands. I told that to myself just a few days ago after my 11 month old tumbled our WHOLE FLIGHT of wooden stairs. Yes, I’m that mom too. And I just say a little prayer each night and give thanks that God kept ’em alive one more day with me.
Laura
PS–LOVE LOVE LOVE your home!!!!
Haha! Hang in there, Laura! You are NOT alone. ;}
Hilarious! I’m totally with you on every piece. Seriously…it’s hard when the hubs is away. Kudos to you! The first goal is to keep them all alive and you rocked it!
I have to say, your hilarious story kept me going this last month that my youth pastor husband was gone, and I was alone with my 4. Good grief, I’m exhausted. Thought I’d stop back in and share. Why does so much go wrong as soon as they step out the door?!? I’m so glad I’m not the only one!
http://lassothemoon.typepad.com/lasso_the_moon/2013/07/the-road-to-crazytown.html
Anna
I am a single Mom, and I just want to say that it really is this.hard.every.day. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, “Wow. I could never be a single Mom. You must have a lot of energy. I could never do it!” I would be rich–but instead, I just feel like screaming, “No! I don’t have a lot of energy. It doesn’t get easier. I’m constantly exhausted, and it’s not like being a single Mom is a lifestyle choice.” It really is this hard every day. I have 4 little ones, and I’ve been flying solo for 2 years. I’m also a stay-at-home/work-from-home Mom, and I home school. It’s worth it, but it’s really hard. One thought I have: let this little venture into “single parenting” be an impetus for you to do some free babysitting for a single Mom you know, while Jamin is home. Trust me, she could use the break! There’s a world of difference between having the kids by yourself for a few weeks, vs. looking ahead into the long years of future that stretch before you, with no end in sight. When your child cracks open his chin, you don’t even have a partner to text pics to. You really, truly, go it alone. Sometimes, it’s soul crushing, but a little helping hand from a friend can be a welcome relief, and can help you to feel less lonely and forsaken.
Ashley-
We have never met and our stories are very different at this moment, but yes. yes. yes. My husband is a youth minister and we do NOT have kids, but I go with him on every trip. I also have very few (or no) bad things to say about him when people are venting about husbands- virtual high five! I am a teacher and, while I do get to send the kids home, once, when Chris was on a mission trip and I was still in school, I FLIPPED. My whole routine was off with him gone and I think I forgot to feed my cats and it was winter so there was no recess and…it was just a lot and they weren’t even MY kids.
I’m so glad you have put this out there because I will surely be re-reading it when Chris goes on a trip once we have kids. I know I will need to know that I am not alone. Love your blog (and my husband loves your back yard) and youth ministers really DO things. Yes! Bless the hearts of those who think otherwise. 🙂