Dear Open Letters Everywhere,
Go home. You’re drunk.
The first open letter of all open letters was very clever, I’m sure. Probably written to some lawmaker in Saskatchewan about his cigar usage in peanut butter factories where children work in slave labor conditions, or the Westboro Baptists for being complete morons. We’re all in agreement there. Those people suck at life.
But after that, you got a little full of yourself. I’m guessing it was all the attention you were getting? It’s pretty evident you have a bit of an egotistical over share problem, because you just. Won’t. Shut. Up.
Unless you’re completely legit and honestly funny, I usually stop reading when you begin your huge list of eye glazing conspiracy theorist facts in order to show off your awesome vocab and alleged intelligence to everyone who decides to share you on Facebook. (See: the second paragraph.) I’m over you and your assumptive need for bandwagon jumping with those angry mob torches and passive aggressive proclamations. Let’s all ‘do the right thing’, and stop trying to sway people with your dramatic overreaction to current events.
Facing the cold hard facts, the reader in which aforementioned open letter was addressed, was turned off by whatever message you’re carrying from the get go: Your apparent misunderstanding of what an actual letter is.
I thought letters came in the mail. In my mailbox. Privately. From one person to another. Or even by owl. I mean, I would certainly listen to you if you were delivered by owl. It’s time to up your game, open letters. Get your crap together. Your point was lost on me from the beginning by your underwhelming presentation on Twitter. I need pie charts and stuff.
You pretend to care, but we all know you’re just addressing the latest and greatest issue in high hopes to go viral and make it all the way to The Huffington Post. That’s like the crown jewel of letter writing, yes? It’s where you’ll arrive and chest bump all the other important open letters who have risen to their five seconds of fame. Not to bum you out or anything, but it’s kinda gross over there. It’s where people with legit rabies and too much time on their hands will angrily disagree and respond with more hateful open letters. Think train wreck mated with a can of worms, in a mob of people having a really bad day who decide angry responses on the internets are the best way to cope through their overbearing boss on a Monday. You may as well go straight to the paper shredder.
‘Merica.
Goop doesn’t care that you’re distraught over her uncoupling. Miley thinks its funny that you’re giving her more free publicity over her latest desperate plea for fame (So maybe your five year old shouldn’t have been watching the Grammy’s. Duh. That’s just bad parenting). American Airlines didn’t read your angry rant over a luggage mishap. Walmart will never open more check out lines. It’s like, a thing. And I’m convinced Obama can’t be bothered that your prescription, once covered under the plan you paid for with your own dang hard earned money, is now jacked to 91 dollars a month. {Formerly 10}. Life. Is. Hard.
That last part would be about me. See what I did there? Passive aggressivism (totally a word) at it’s finest is a mastered art in the south.
And I just wrote it in an open letter.
So stop the binge writing. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
I look forward to your indignant response, in the form of an open letter.
Sincerely,
Us.
The people I hope to sway by reading my own open letter and sharing on Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, and whatever other obscure form of social media that we don’t really care about.
Oh my word. Apparently I didn’t need coffee this morning because this post woke me up & I can’t stop laughing. This is so funny!
What? You’re not impressed by the linguistic elegance and level-headed point making that is the open letter? For shame! Don’t you know that’s the only way a sensible person has to express their opinions? Keeping opinions to oneself just is NOT an option.
Seriously, though, preach it sister 😉
Haha thanks, Anna! ;}
Stop it! This is too funny.
Thank you! It is like people are trying to make whining a legit form of communication. It is not cool when my four year old does it, and definitely not cool when you do it. Especially with poor grammar.
I am very distraught by your mistreatment of the open letter. I am penning you an open letter rebuttal. Expect it by owl within 3-5 business days.
bahaha.
best. comment. ever!
HA! I agree. I look forward to the owl. ;}
ok – so that was so funny! Stepping back and looking at life – is often the funniest thing – it is not??? !!! Thanks for the great laugh this morning! What a great post to come back to when I get a little too “important” feeling about my opinion 🙂 THANKS!!!
HAHA! I always feel important about my opinion. I guess that’s why I have a blog… and refrain from open letter writing. ;}
Thanks for your morning read. I am soooo behind on this open letter thing. I just complain to my friends face to face.
I know, right? I am not cool enough to write one. ;}
Just the title of this in my in box made me laugh, then it kept getting better. So funny.
I feel really out of the loop. What’s an open letter?!! 😉
Bahahaha. Just the main staple of Facebook shares. ;}
Hahahahaha! I love this! 🙂
I love this! Although, I’m pretty sure there are no peanut butter factories in Saskatchewan. Just canola. Hahaha! Oh…that might only be funny to Canadians. Oops.
If you don’t like open letters, don’t read them. Simple. But don’t tell other folks not to write them. People still have a right to express their opinions, thank goodness, in this country and whether or not I like or agree with their opinions I will always be glad they do have the freedom of expression to do so. My appreciation of this comes from living in another country that denies this freedom whenever it feels like it. It’s a control issue. Again, if you don’t like open letters don’t read them. Don’t try to control based on your likes or dislikes.
And if you don’t like this open letter… oh never mind. I’m pretty sure you missed my point. And the idea of Satire. #rabies
Equally funny and slamming, like a good open letter should be. Haha! This post made my day.
AMEN! AMEN! AMEN!!
I propose people start writing Shut Up letters. As in, write it, stick it in a drawer, and shut up about it. I am the QUEEN of unsent, Strongly Worded Letters.
No kidding! You hit the nail squarely on the head. Where people used to discreetly give their bosses 2 weeks notices, they are now posting dance routines on youtube. Don’t vaccinate your kids, boycott a movie or tv show, fight the good fight against too skinny models. Unless I ask you about it, keep it to yourself. Soapboxes, not everyone needs to use theirs. Now excuse me while I go and light a match to mine.
Could. Not. Agree. More.
I am so going to use some of the terms in your letter. ‘Binge writing’ – love it, like verbal diaree via keyboard, going to use that one soon.
Haha Anned – so glad I could assist! ;}
YES! YES! YES! Did you hear about the Open Letter a lady posted that read something like: “Dear Mommy who fell asleep at the Park… I let you rest… you obviously needed it… while you were resting… I took it upon myself to watch after your children… yadda. yadda. yadda.” She posted this Open Letter (which went viral) to make a point that today’s mommies are so overwhelmed and tired and that we should be supportive of one another and not be so quick to judge and point out flaws.— I guess?
Some folks found it to be rather inspiring and shared it all over Facebook.
I, on the other hand, found it to be Braggy and just CREEEEEPY! Seriously, if I fall asleep at Chuck-E-Cheese’s, somebody—- please wake me up and then punch me in the face.
Really, if you’re THAT tired… put on FROZEN for the kids, lock the doors and take a nap!
(Completely off subject…I know— I do share your disdain for Open Letters).
I got so excited that you mentioned Saskatchewan (where I live!) AND that you spelled it properly! Although I’m not so sure about the lawmaker or the cigars or peanut butter factories, I was thoroughly entertained by this open letter to all open letters!
Hmmm. I don’t get it . I was on holidays in Hawaii for the past 10 days. I thought I had caught up on all my reading. Did I miss something?
Oh my. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My stomach muscles, which needed some definition, thank you. My laugh-lines, which did not, still thank you.
My children who think I am a psycho-almost-peeing-myself-while-reading-at-my-computer do not thank you.
I totally agree. I’ve never even read an open letter unless this one counts I guess. I hear to much complaining from real people don’t want to read strangers complaints too!