Because this is one of our all time faves, that we shared nearly four years ago, to the day. In the name of all things vacation season, we thought we should share it again. Something fun from the oldie but goodie department. We truly hope you enjoy.
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What’s your most embarrassing story?
I could go on and on for days.
I’ve started a real live list. Jamin and I have decided that between the two of us, we have a natural knack for calamity and awkward situations. {See: Satan’s garden stool.} For instance, that moment at a sponsor-held cocktail party last week, where I was proudly donning two story high platforms, and we were standing in a formal, intimate setting. I think it’s also important that I mention this: {In my total defense} I just started running again, and have really weak ankles. This combined with my natural born propensity as a total klutz with an obsession for awesome shoes, plus the fact that I was standing on garden cobblestones = a natural recipe for disaster.
Said ankle decided to give out completely in the middle of a Q+A with a well-known designer. I felt my entire gravity shift while I convorted awkwardly to one side. I just so happened to be standing right in front of the designer, which translates to everyone could see me. I caught myself before I went all the way down. Cue cheesy tragedy movie music because this was something right out of one of those the-main-character-is-unbearably-ruining-her-life-before-our-very-eyes, a-la some Ben Stiller movie moments. Just as I righted myself and turned around to laugh it off/secretly see if anyone witnessed this ridiculousness… I did it again. It was amazing, and a slow motion tribute to what a winner I am. The universe righting itself in the form of karma for all the bad things I’ve ever done.
Jamin was all, Noooooo and tried to catch me. It was not romantic. There was some cupping under the armpits and then I tried to smooth myself back into oblivion. Stupid cobblestones. Stupid wobbly ankles.
And that story, my friends, breaks the ice for this one with the richter scale embarrassment rating of a 2.0.
When we were discussing our worst stories the other night with some friends, this little gem came up. Though it’s not my own, Jamin and I decided after much debate and consulting with a few good friends {who really appreciate this kind of stuff} that maybe we should share it here. You know… to knock ourselves down a notch in case you ever start to think we have it all together or we’re totally full of ourselves or something… In case sharing the contents of my junk drawers and telling you all about how I stuffed my kids in the bed the other night fully clothed after a day of swimming, (that totally counts as a bath, duh) aren’t enough, let’s get extremely awkward… and stuff.
I’ve been given express permission to tell this story as it was seen through my eyes on a rainy night in the month of February 2014. The following story is completely true. Cue weird Law and Order sound effects. Because this story is that bad, we felt it necessary to preface it with full disclosure. So without further ado:
It was our second day at the theme park of all theme parks. I’m not really sure we should say the name here, because of the nature of the story. But you know the theme park to which I’m referring. I’ll even show you with photos. It’s not that hard. Think of said theme park, and you are correct. It was here, at the happiest place, where crisis and drama was very much not averted.
There’s something about the idea of spending thousands of dollars that you’ve saved up for a vacay that will make you totally lose it when you finally get there. In college, people save their pennies for spring break and then do things like regrettable alcohol intake with equally regrettable kissing of their guy friends {goodbye, friend zone}. It’s just a terrible idea, altogether.
In adult world, there’s this moment where you realize that you have a job that you work hard at to pay for this extravaganza of an event. When you get back, you should go on total detox… but for now, it’s a free-for-all. You’ve spent your life savings and the equivalent of your first born’s blood to partake in greasy turkey legs and sketchy hamburger concoctions, all in the name of magic. So why not take off about five years of your life by living it up in the form of all things heart disease and cholesterol?
Sometimes, I eat my feelings.
We were going to milk every penny’s worth. This coming from the two people who enjoy mild, relatively healthy eating on a regular basis. We decided to go absolutely hog wild for a week. It was like the food was free, but just kidding not really, so eat all the things. We fully intended to enjoy every moment. And by every moment, I mean completely and absolutely glutinously partake.
This idiotic rationale included the Coke. No, not drugs. The soft drink.
We’ve racked our brains, and used our super powers of common sense and deduction with this one. Because in the end, all things greasy aside, it was the Coke that did him in. It sent him over the edge to the point of no return.
You see, we don’t usually partake in such shenanigans. Morning coffee is our equivalent of caffeine intake/weakness, but for some reason, the fact that Coke was available, made us digress to that of a child on their first trip away from mom and dad. At the movie theater. With gallon sized refills. For free. If you’ve ever had a coke after months of not partaking, you know what it can do to your body. I usually end up gulping one down and then writhing on the floor for two hours, wondering if my intestines will explode and how stupid that will look in the obituary section. Don’t take me now! There’s so much more I want to doooooo!
I’ve bargained with God before. I think we’ve all been there.
If not, you haven’t lived.
Doesn’t that stuff clean drains and melt ice and eat off your face if you dunk it in a bucket or something? So we decided, why not put the high fructose corn syrup with carbonated acid into our bodies {combined with vats of grease, remember} and see what happens while on a trip with limited, unfamiliar bathroom locations?
Wheeeee!
Bring it home with turkey legs and rodent shaped chocolate pops, and now we can only imagine the natural catastrophe in the form of a perfect storm… If I’m the queen of cheesy metaphors, than this was a gastrointestinal earthquakehurricanetsunami just waiting to happen.
But prefacing aside, let’s bring it back to the current moment of our story.
We were leaving our second park on our second day. The one that focuses on studios and movies. We’d just exited the tram after taking a few crazy turns and headed to our isolated car in the parking lot. Because not only did we go hardcore with the food, we went hardcore with the entire experience.
Pacing yourself is for losers.
It was dark, and began a light drizzle. Jamin, who was walking ahead, began pushing the stroller with the younger two, and broke into an all out trot.
I used the word trot because it became this odd little shuffle while he tried to push the double stroller for two kids that are a little old to be riding, but way too young to walk an entire park for twelve hours. So there he was, trotting. As if he was torn between running for it, and what was socially acceptable at the moment.
I couldn’t keep up with him.
Me: What are you doing? Why are you walking so fast? Gah. It’s not raining that hard.
Him: My stomach hurts.
Me: Totally dismissing him at first, but noting his crabby tone with an empathetic I’m sorry, while I scanned the parking lot for our car.
Jamin was leaving the trot now, pushing the stroller to a full on jog.
Me {still a bit oblivious}: Hey! Slow down! My feet hurt. Wah.
Jamin was now at least twenty feet ahead, and at some point in time, he’d broken into a waddle/sprint to the car, shoving the double stroller with two deliriously tired, giggling children. I pulled Aiden by his hand, who stumbled into a tired shuffle behind me.
Jamin turned briefly to me while we closed in on our car which, was again, in a dark isolated parking lot. It was in that moment that I realized we were in trouble.
Jamin {Through clenched teeth}: I have got to go.
“Um,” I began to mumble nervously, as we bee-lined it for the car. Secretly hoping for a magical port-o-potty to appear. “I’m not sure that’s possible.”
I loaded up the kids as he began the universal language for ‘I’m suffering’ in the form of a good old fashioned jig, and motioned toward the woods.
“NO.” I guffawed at him as I buckled the kids’ seat belts. {And suddenly I’m Patty Proper.} I began my tirade of reasons as to why he was not allowed to go into the plot of trees at the side of the parking lot.
For starters, this was not Little House in the Woods, and he was not Paw.
Secondly, there were probably security guards watching a secret camera in a secret room somewhere, and we would end up on some redneck reality made for the internets show with his face bleeped out while they showed unbelievable moments to a captivated audience. You think they’re not watching, but they really are watching. I know how this works. I once worked here, after all.
Thirdly, Jamin would probably dive into the woods and it would be part of a jungle attraction where people ride by and think you’re the display. The park isn’t laid out that way, but in the moment of my raging anxiety, it was a real possibility.
Then you’re locked away. For. Ev. Ver.
And I get to visit him and put my hand on the other side of the glass and cry while the guards drag him away. Suddenly my boys have rat tails from the 80’s and I’m wearing a polkadot apron with pigtails. Emerson sports a mullet.
It was not happening.
“There are security people! And cameras. You can’t possibly think they won’t see you!” And then, for added emphasis: “We’re from Alabama. Not Mississippi.” {I can say that because I was born in Mississippi. Yay stereotypes and desperate attempts to take away vicious stomach cramps with humor.} “Let’s just find a bathroom!”
Jamin: “I don’t think there’s one near here” he replied, jumping into the drivers’ seat.
Me: {Now attempting to be the voice of rationale in the situation} “There are plenty of stops between here and the room, but we’ll make it. Let’s just go.”
Jamin hastily cranked the car, and began our pilgrimage of exiting the park. What we didn’t realize in that moment, is that every single night that we drove somewhere, we wouldn’t be able to find our hotel again. Our hotel was Narnia, and Mr. Tumnus was being a self-important jerk face with his lute so said hotel basically only appeared magically when it felt like it.
Tucked back into the woods, and vaguely marked, we felt nothing but irrational anger while we drove aimlessly. Tired children and grumpy adults do not for happy travelers make. But so far, this was an isolated occurrence and I was feeling optimistic. For the sake of not being arrested on property for indecent exposure and weird fetishes sure to make it to Florida News headlines…
I refused to have my father bail us out of jail for indecent exposure on property.
We took about three more turns and we were again, lost.
And at this point, I realize I was making this about me. I was a little late to the game.
Jamin began the ceremonious its-coming-soon in his seat while he tried to drive. He’d officially moved on from strange jerking motions to rocking back and forth and breathing heavily. There’s something about the creepy rocking where you know the person suffering has passed the point of no return.
He was likened to me in labor when they hocked me up on Pitocin with our first born. I totally lost it and unleashed an expletive in front of his mother in the hospital.
I regret nothing.
But back to what had suddenly digressed to the car ride from Hell: The kids were goofing off in the back, and Jamin quickly barked at them from the front seat. This man who only yelled at me once in my life {and that was while pregnant with our first. See me in a hormonal fit trying to move a bed on my own-I wasn’t always sane when it came to nesting.} In one fell swoop, with one bark, he’d just silenced the entire vehicle.
This was bad.
We pulled up on a stream of traffic on the main drive. It was at that moment when I realized maybe this wasn’t the place for happy endings, after all. To the left… to the right… traffic blocked everywhere we tried to drive, and tonight, of all nights, a gigantic bus was involved in a minor collision which impeded any efforts by everyone to proceed. Police were present, and we began to formulate a plan in our heads.
It was coming in waves now, and if that coke intake was his Pitocin, Jamin was officially in man labor.
He was in transition, and we had to do something. For the sake of his last remaining thread of self preservation and dignity, for the sake of our children who now officially thought that daddy was possessed by Satan, and for all the innocent bystanders involved who were about to witness a random man giving birth in public… minus the miraculous outcome.
This was not pretty.
What were we to do? Put on our hazard lights? Bypass all the traffic, so that when the cop stopped us for reckless driving we apologized for the need to relieve ourselves of complete gluttony while he rolled up off the drivers seat and was tasered for losing his everlovingmind? With each breath and each gathering bead of sweat, and with each need to roll down the window, it became glaringly apparent that we weren’t going to make it.
For some reason, all I could think about was the laundry.
We were about to lose that last smidgeon of hope. At this point, the man who’d somehow managed to continue to drive himself with his nagging, Patty Proper wife plummeted forward into the traffic that out of nowhere, suddenly decided to lurch out of the way.
But we took a wrong turn again, {Stupid navigation system. Stupid Narnia. Suck it, Tumnus.} and this was it.
“I have to go” was all he said, and before I knew it, he swerved, squealing tires, squealing children, and all, onto the shoulder of a dark service road. Smack under that futuristic train in the sky. A passing warning to grandiose gluttony for all the passengers to see. Jamin was darting out of the car, into the rain. He disappeared into the woods like Big Foot on an enema.
There I sat, feeling a bit like Bonnie waiting on Clyde. Maybe a little like those people in Jurassic Park when they’re in the Ford Explorers and the T-Rex eyeball appears at the window. Now blaming myself.
Despite my best efforts, we’d still ended up in the woods, and it was after much suffering. But this is the girl who won’t pull up in the fire lane of the Walmart Parking lot, because she’s afraid a security guard will tell her to move while she waits for someone to run into the store. #rulefollowerforlife
My worst fear (besides the laundry in that moment) was being discovered by a security guard with flashing lights. I reached over into the driver’s side and turned off the lights, as if hiding would help. I mean, it was the flashlight that drew the T-Rex in JP, right? Then I eased over into the seat itself. I was ready to rev that engine. I was ready to do make the great escape.
Fully prepared if at any moment, to completely leave my husband in the woods and come back for him later. Because that’s what true love is all about, y’all.
Self preservation.
When you fall in love with someone in your younger years, they really should let you fast forward for a few sneak peeks of the truly great moments to come. Because this was an epic moment of marriage reality. This is what it’s all about.
Then I stopped thinking about breaking the rules, as the realization hit me and my forever overreactive imagination: What if he doesn’t come back? As the moments ticked by, I started to concoct other stories in my head. Like, dinosaurs. I’ve seen way too many movies and began to peer into the densely wooded area for signs of my husband, while the kids asked where Daddy was and why he ran away. Forever traumatized by our first world problems.
More importantly, what would I tell the police?
Did he pass out from turkey leg hurricane pain in the woods? Could an axe murderer be lurking on property? What about vampire cults? Suddenly, I was really glad we weren’t at Universal.
It was at the moment where I was becoming completely irrational, ready to hunt my unconscious husband down in the rain with a phone light, that I jumped as he tapped on the passengers side window. Relieved, I picked up my partner in crime, and after driving around for a good twenty more minutes, the wardrobe to Narnia decided to open. We carried our wounded egos and exhausted bodies into that resort and back to our room. There would be no more Coke intake, as a lesson was learned that night.
At least for a few hours.
I quietly asked him if we needed to do some laundry.
He mumbled something about being a camping expert with years of experience.
Thank. God.
We now forever refer to that little incident as the time we stuck it to the giant rodent. Our forever apologies to the landscaping guy.
And we’re thrilled to announce, that we’ll be starring in our own reality show soon: National Lampoon’s Rednecks on Vacation.
Rat tails in tribute, and all.
Jamie Beth says
Oh man. DYING! But we’ve all been there. There is nothing worse. I would totally equate those stomach pains with labor, they are the closest you get. My most recent was after doing the Whole30 for 50+ days then thinking Chinese food was a good first cheat meal :/ Um no…….Poor Jamin!
Alex says
OMG perfect way to start the day!! Haha I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard.
Christy says
Oh my gosh!!!! This is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! I am literally dying/crying from laughing so hard! We’ve all been hit by gastric terror at some point in our lives, but this story beats all of them!!! Sorry for what your hubby had to endure, but I’m thankful y’all decided to share this gem of a story with the rest of the world. !. Lol…THANKS!
Thistle says
Okay….I don’t even know where to start. I felt like I was there. I felt like I was like….oh no he didn’t.
And I was so happy in this wonderful world of blogging I’ve got to meet Bonnie (and Clyde).
You are a rock star. 🙂
karianne
Jenna says
This is priceless. Oh my word thank you so much for this one. Your writing gets me every time! 😀
Alexis says
Amazing. That is all.
Anna says
“Man labor” !?! LOL!!!!! I almost spit out all of the coffee lots of times! Hilarious! This is the best story. Ever. I love you both for sharing this one. Priceless!
Kate says
Hysterical! Laughed so hard I feel justified in skipping my workout today! Thanks for sharing!
Beth M. says
I’m dying!!! Big Foot on an emema…best description ever!!!! My husband is really good at things like this. Picture him going hunting in the early morning hours in super cold Temps which means lots of layers. He grabbed what he thought were two granola bars on the way out and scarfed them down. Only when he was up in his tree stand did his body tell him they weren’t granola bars but Fiber One bars. You know the end of this story…layers of clothing plus angry intestines plus tree stand equals pooptaster! That’s just one of many unfortunate but hilarious stories my husband has bc of his propensity to eat too much too fast. Lesson not learned!
Rose L. says
You are so funny!! I have had an embarrassing moment like that at a ghost town out in the middle of nowhere where you had to hike down to it from a parking area above. I “had to go” and the outhouse bathrooms were the 1/2 mile hike up! I decided to go into the bushes, and gave my husband my purse after taking out a baggie that had held M&Ms and some Kleenex. My son and hubby decided to distance themselves from me and started the hike up. After furtively ambling into the bushes and finding a spot where no one would see me, I dropped my drawers and squatted. Suddenly I hear, “Oh my goodness!” Coming from above me. I had forgotten about the hike trail! Gazing up I could see my hubby and son, and coming down from the opposite direction was a huge family. I was stuck as was in the middle of “action” so could not pull my pants up and just tried to hide my face and finish as quickly as possible. Needless to say, when I had finished, I did my best to hide and get up the hill without that family seeing me face-to-face!! I found my son and husband hiding in the van, and when I climbed inside, my husband said, “First time I think I have seen a full moon during the day.” Throughout the rest of the trip, they called me by my new “Indian” name–Full Moon Rising.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Oh my goodness. I just laughed so hard the kids asked me what was wrong. You win. Best story ever!!!!!
Lori says
I laughed so hard I cried, mostly because we have relived that unfortunate scenerio a few times. Thanks for the laughs in the middle of my day!
Wendy says
Fantastic story! When we are at said Magical Place this fall, I will think of y’all as we pass each service road. LOL
Laura says
Hilarious my friends!
Brittany says
This made me laugh so hard! It *might* be a shove in the direction of sharing my own similar story. Maybe. 😉 Sorry, Jamin!
Sharon says
That is hilarious.!!!!
Amber says
I laughed until I cried! The way you tell a story….you should write a novel on your adventures!!! THANK YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND FOR SHARING!
Karen B says
Great story!! I, too, laughed so hard I cried.
Marti says
While everyone else is laughing through your story (and it is funny), I’m feeling his pain. As someone who often deals with IBS type symptoms, I can totally relate. Poor Jamie. Hope the rest of your vacation was good.
Melissa says
Good heavens, I had to push my drink aside for fear of choking due to uncontrollable laughing. Now my stomach hurts.
Bets says
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That is the BEST story ever. And, unfortunately, I can relate. Thanks so much for sharing!!
Rachel says
Can’t even begin to tell you all the things I thought were funny, even before the main story.
Your writing and telling of stories is priceless.
julianna says
I have tears. So many tears streaming down my face, and I’m doing the smoker’s laugh that doesn’t make any sound and I don’t even smoke. That is one of the funniest self-deprecating stories I’ve ever heard. LOVE. Thanks for making my day!
Bethany says
Poor Jamin! I literally laughed out loud at this several times!
Monica says
I do not think I have ever laughed that hard. I mean I was laughing with you not at you. I read your blog and think– yep we are a normal family just like them. Thank you for sharing! You made my whole week.
Vatican Lokey says
I’m so happy my husband discovered your site (he sent me your posting on painting concrete.) I’ve been trawling everything and I’m utterly delighted. I love your writing style. You’ve made me laugh loudly on several articles.
And we are both former Cast Members from Duckau (the rumor that Cast Members call it “Mousewitz” stopped being true in the 70s.) Disney/MGM used to be my park. Your descriptions are so accurate, I know exactly where Jamin had to hop out of the car. Frankly, you couldn’t have chosen a better place for an emergency of that nature. Its one of the most deserted areas on-property and seldom patrolled.
Thanks for the site and all the great tips. I’m your newest fan!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HA! So funny! I did the college program one semester in college – my claim to fame was tomorrow land. Yeah. That was me in the space suit! ;} Glad to know we chose a safe spot! Awkward.
Shelley | Crazy Wonderful says
That was, honest to God, the best start to my day. You are totally the worlds best story teller! I had to forward this on to my husband. I have a similar story. My husband used to work for a consumer products company (at this facility they made toilet paper). He was heading up a community service campaign where products that couldn’t be sold in stores because of packaging defects were sold to employees at crazy discounts. This included things like paper towels, toilet paper, and diapers. Prices were so good that people would show up with Uhaul trucks to get all of their purchases home. We were among those crazy people. While completely boxed in waiting for our turn in line, my husband’s friend who was with me driving the Uhaul truck, kept stinking up the truck and complaining that the coffee was kicking in. One hour later (and still sitting in line) he makes a break for the wooded area right next to us while everyone else in line watches him, knowing. He comes back to tell me it wasn’t a clean break. “Thanks for sharing, buddy.” We just couldn’t get over how ironic the whole thing was – having to go poop in the woods at a toilet paper factory and being desperately in need of toilet paper while waiting in line to get a Uhaul truck full of toilet paper.
ashley @ the handmade home says
That’s the worst feeling ever! Glad it wasn’t in the Uhaul??? ;}
Mary says
Poor boy! All I kept thinking was, “did he take napkins?! paper??!! something!!” Lucky for him he’s a camping expert. Shew, that was stressful! 🙂
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHAHA I decided to spare y’all those details ;}
danielle says
The comparison to labor had me crying. Thank you. And Jamin: I’m so sorry. Really, thank you for letting us in on that story.
jamie z. says
lol oh my gosh I laugh b/c this happens b/c my dear hubby has had that same “we are in deep trouble if we don’t get to a bathroom NOW look” on our honeymoon we were sightseeing in the far far woods of Arkansas…like there is no store or civilization in sight for hours… and his body says I HAVE TO GO NOW!! so he grabs a paperbag from the truck for toilet paper hikes out to the woods I lock myself in our single cab chevy at the time… and he comes running back in a matter of minutes…. he almost pooped on a snake under his bum!!! lol oh these men of ours!!
Jenny Stone says
You are hilarious!!!! I don’t comment on many blogs, but this is the second time of commented on yours because of your storytelling. As I read this post I laughed so hard I cried. Thank you for the dose of hilarity. I needed it. Reading your posts feels like I’m listening to a friend talk to me on the phone. I love it!! Please don’t stop sharing.
Anna says
Best. Story. Ever.
Dawn says
Hilarious and much appreciated candor! Oh the glamour of marriage 🙂
Jenna says
This is the absolute best post ever! I love being reminded that you’re so hilarious- not to mention human. Thank you!