At some point, she ate his wallet.
Literally ate it. Parts of it were gone, and she’d even gotten a few of his credit cards, likened to the whole the-dog-ate-my-homework scenario. But for adults.
We know the culprit was Rigby. Fitz digs for all the things… Rigby eats them. That, and she actually smiled when we asked who did it.
Jamin left the item in question on the back porch during the summer months: A major faux pas around here. Our two lovable rescue pups, Rigby and Fitz, are basically a couple of weirdos. They have zones – while pretty well-behaved indoors, leaving anything out on the table in the middle of summer on the back porch, is a personal gift to them.
Silly humans. How could we not realize this?
A bottle of sunscreen or say, a wallet left on the table is obliterated in a manner of nanoseconds in a gluttonous doggie free for all.
At first, he couldn’t find it. We searched the yard, high and low, and then in the back corner, we found a trail of evidence. A scrap of fabric here and there, as if leading us to the scene of the crime. She’d gotten in a couple of good slatherings of credit cards, and had slowly demolished each pocket that held them.
Then she left said wallet to die.
We breathed a little easier when we realized no cash was involved, because if our house renovation is a proverbial bonfire, we’ve already thrown it all straight in. We really didn’t need our pup to digest any more Benjamins.
JK we all know they’d be George.
But back to the wallet. Because he was walking around with things bound by a rubber band, like some sad college kid who forgot said wallet. He needed a new one.
The only fashion items Jamin really tends to be picky about, are his jeans, baseball caps, and his wallet. We’re so fancy. Where does one find a good wallet? Is Fossil still a thing? I’m not really up to date on such shenanigans. #notafashionblogger But he couldn’t seem to find just what he wanted.
A few months went by, and then we were due to go on family vacay. To prepare for the road trip ahead, we ventured into Wal-Mart so we could stock up on some important provisions. Like those caramel flavored apple lollipops and bite-size snickers. Duh. Only the good stuff.
And there we were, before we knew it standing at the wallet section. “You know what?” Jamin proclaimed as we gazed at the wall of wallets before us, “I’m getting one.”
And I laughed a little because he’d waited so long, yet here we were in the mens wallet aisle. And they’d been a little picked over, because it was either the faux leather one with the giant motorcycle gang chain circa 1998, {Is this also still a thing?} or the velcro one in hunter green made for small children, except it was for men, hanging directly above it.
It reminded me of my Minnie Mouse wallet a-a the 80’s where I proudly stowed away pics of my friends and siblings and the ten dollar bill my grandmother sent me for my birthday. Yes, I still have it.
So the velcro on this new wallet was really loud. If I could personify the sound of said velcro, it would be equivalent to the dial up sound for AOL. And not just the dial up sound, but the level of when it was late at night and you were talking to your crush, and couldn’t find the volume on the speakers in your dad’s office when you signed on.
It was a SKWEeeerrRRRRTTT SKWEeeerrRRRRTTT level Winning.
Except velcro.
Fast forward, and he actually likes said wallet. It was perfectly fine, and served its purpose.
And then one day, we found ourselves a little out of our element. And by a little, I mean we were in a swanky Beverly Hills hotel, where they hosted red carpet events, donned marble walls, and women wore fur stoles.
And not just a swanky space, but an enclosed swanky space. Because the giant brass doors closed behind us and there we were in an elevator, chock-full of characters as we waited to ride down. Two Silicon Valley investors {It’s important to note here that they had an investor vibe, not a nerd one, in 8,000 dollar suits}, three movie stars, and Cruella. In my memory, Cruella Deville was standing right beside us with her super long ciggy holder thingy, and she was looking at us a little strange. In an elevator. Did I mention it was an elevator?
If Disney Villans were real people
It was quietly moving at the world’s slowest pace, and we were late. “Jamin.” I muttered quickly while I rustled through my bag “Do we have our room key?”
Jamin, not remembering {because I thought he’d grabbed one} decided to open his wallet.
Do you see where I’m going with this incredibly long story? Because we were in a cramped elevator in Beverly Hills. An elevator worth more than my house. And he slowly lifted said hunter green fabric Wal-Mart wallet into the light so he {and every power suit-wearing occupant could see it}.
He peeled it back, and that day shall henceforth be known as the velcro heard round the world.
AAAAAASSSAAAAAAVVVEEEENNNNNYYYYAAAAAAA It was like that moment in the Lion King where Rafiki lifts Simba and everyone bows and the chorus swells and we all love Disney.
The irony is not lost on me. Instead of bowing animals, women in fur stoles fainted everywhere.
Because everyone in said elevator looked at the full grown man who was now holding a wallet made of velcro into the air, looking for his room key, completely unaware of how loud the noise actually was. Cue vaguely swanky elevator music in the background to fill in the awkward. Cue everyone side eyeing us. I swear my southern accent grew about ten times thicker in the 11.5 seconds it took Jamin to pull apart really loud velcro… in slow motion.
Side eyeing them back, was all I could muster. And then we laughed. When in Rome, you stick out like a sore thumb. And stuff.
Fast foward to East Nashville, a few weeks ago. Taking a quick lunch break, we were famished, so we stopped at a restaurant on our way back from meeting with a client. We basked in the old school feel and the fun vibes of an old Pharmacy. Then we took in the patrons around us.
They were all donning plaid shirts and beards. Full grown bushy man beards. I’m pretty sure there were two guys in front of us and I couldn’t tell them apart – they were lumberjack reflections of one another with matching flat-brimmed baseball caps. {Why has this ever been a thing?}
And when Jamin opened his wallet to pay for the meal, the waiter passing by actually said: “Hey -Cool Wallet.”
That moment shall henceforth be known as the self-discovery one where we proclaimed that we are such Walmart hipsters.
Where, for the love, am I going with this?
Know that with the new year looming ahead, and all the lists and to-do’s and improvements and hopes and wishes and dreams… remember the wallet. A moment on an elevator with side-eyeing Cruella and the appreciative lumberjack hipsters in Nashville.
And the time I turned it all into one big embarrassing life metaphor, just for you.
Sometimes, the right quirks and charming little things aren’t appreciated until they’re in just the right situations. I find this to be true about a lot of things in life. So you do you.
You should never be ashamed to show your true colors. Whatever it looks like right now, right where you are, is where you’re supposed to be.
This is the story about a little velcro wallet who believed it could. And we think it’s great, just the way it is.
Enjoy the journey. And happy new year.
Have an inspired day!
Anna says
This is hysterical. Yes! Thank you for the little reminder, too.
Jennifer says
Perfect! Thanks for the laughs!
Nicole says
I’m crying, I so needed to read something like this right now!
2017 hasn’t been good to us and we’re going into 2018 really digging in and doing the work needed while praying things will get better .
This is a perfect reminder to be true to ourselves and that everything works out!
Thank you
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Bets says
Hahahaha, oh yes!!! Your story made my day, maybe even my year (but it’s still REALLY early yet, so maybe I should hold off on that). Love it, love it…. LURV it (geez Louise, you made me say LURV).
Happy New Year!!
xo
Bets
Sue says
I was laughing out loud while reading this saga of the Walmart wallet. Love you guys and happy New Year.
ROSE LEFEBVRE says
LOL Yep, my hubbys was leather and apparently our dog thought it was something to chew and did that! Dogs!
Karen Roth says
I love the story,every single thing.But I am loving the moral of “Just be you”. I have never tried to be anyone else but me. I used to get upset that I never fit in the people who were my own age, only the elderly. I was told repeatedly that I would never amount to anything. I beg to differ, you are able to rise above your circumstances and shine brightly and bloom where you are placed. Hoping you and yours have a Blessed New Year 💞😇
Belinda Aguirre says
This story cracks me up!!! I love how you write!!!
Jenny B. says
So funny!! I have some sort of sternum inflammation that only women over 40 get (lucky me!) after having the crud for two weeks and coughing too hard, so it hurts to laugh (as if peeing when I laugh isn’t enough). Anyway, even though this post was painful (and simultaneously made me pee a little), it was worth it. I needed a good laugh. 🙂 Here’s to Velcro in 2018!
Lisa says
Thank you for the smile this morning and the terrific reminder!
Brittany Thomas says
You guys are my type of people. Southern, walmart hipsters. Rock on!