The other day, my mom came by the house to pick up the kids.
Actually, this wasn’t the other day. It’s every time she, or anyone else comes by for something, that I find myself doing this.
I’m apologizing. It usually starts out with something like this.
“Sorry our house is in such a state. {as if the word “state” is self explanatory} It’s been one of those weeks.”
Or
“I haven’t vaccummed in a while and there is mess everywhere.” Or “I had a deadline and it is what it is” Or “We’re past that point in our friendship. I didn’t clean for you”
I try to disarm with humor, when really they’re just excuses couched in the idea of more apologies. As if it’s a true reflection of who I am as a person. I pulled out some salad dressing the other day with people at our house, and almost died because it was, gasp, expired. We had more in our pantry and no one ate it. I checked the date. No one died. But for some reason in my head, I was a bad person for not checking the date ahead of time and being a proactive dressing user. I should have been better prepared and my fridge must be a disastrous wreck because I had expired dressing in it. Therefore, I am a bad hostess.
Fail. Fail. Fail. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
I have it in the back of my mind that someone will think I’m negligent or a hoarder or that I’m just not up to their expectations of me.
It’s kind of ridiculous.
Because 1. I can’t control other people’s opinions of me and 2. Even though I have amazing friends who will totally call me out on it and honestly don’t care… {I was even explaining to the plumber and bug guy the other day why our home was so crazy – I really need to get a grip} we will always have critics and imperfections.
I really need to get over that.
So I started observing people when I visited their homes.
I love my friends and they love me. I appreciate the idea of hospitality and the grandest gesture that is having someone in your home. It’s the innermost sanctums of innermost sanctums. The idea of fellowship and camaraderie and true, deeper friendships. But I realized that almost everyone does it.
We really need to stop it with the preface/disclaimers/apologies already.
I have a friend who works as a stylist. And every time I’m around her, I was self-conscious about what I was wearing. I would find myself overthinking my target/loft-on-sale ensemble and apologizing for it. Assuming that she was judging me, in her head for not being more clever and amazing with my clothing choices. For the record, it’s a good day if I’m not in a mess of tumbled hair and pajama bottoms disguised as yoga pants… so there’s that. Maybe I should just be proud that I made an effort. And maybe I should stop apologizing for making an effort. Or pointing out my root-rot/lion king/scary compound hair when I haven’t been to my hair stylist in a while. And maybe… just maybe… she could care less about what the heck I chose to wear and just because it’s her profession, doesn’t mean that I need to make a million different assumptions about what she was thinking.
I’ve decided that our thirties are (or should be) a decade of revealing truths about ourselves. I’ve really been working on not judging people. I think we’d all like to throw our arms in the air and say Not me! I would never do that. But we all do. It’s human nature. We make snap judgements on things we see… basing them solely on our upbringing and opinions and limited views of things. Honestly, that was cute when I was at home in my twenties with one kid and nothing else better to do on the phone with my friends. {Don’t judge me for judging.} And then I got a big fat dose of reality.
The world is full of judgey people. So I refuse to add to it, by being one.
The truth of the matter is, two things:
1. We never know what’s going on in someone else’s lives.
2. Life is too short to get our knickers in a twist about someone else’s choices. Or what we think someone else is thinking. Or feeling inadequate for our choice of yoga pants and befuddled hair.
My butt looks kinda good in yoga pants, and I’m owning it, dangit.
When I walk into someone else’s home, I’m grateful, first and foremost for the blessing of our friendship and their hospitality.
I see women who are striving to do their absolute best. And when they point out things that I wouldn’t have even noticed, the only thing I’m thinking is that it makes me feel better. Isn’t that the point when someone becomes friends? When you realize you’re not alone?
So, just to clear the air, I’ve already shown you guys all the nasty disgusting embarrassing places in our home. But a nice reminder if you needed one: here’s my pantry that I’ve organized fifty bajilloin times {that’s totally next on ‘the list’ – but there I go again with my excuses}. I want to say that we’ve been going through a life change and we just added hardwoods and that our bathroom that has taken six months that you’re all tired of hearing about… this and our garage have become our dumping ground. But you know what? I can’t blame it on that. It’s a mess. And I very unapologetically obsess over like Jif Peanut butter.
It’s life. It is what it is.
When I walk into your home, I see beauty and love in that worn wallpaper or threadbare carpet and those scattered toys. I see fun in crayon marks and scuffed furniture. I see the lives of people who are working on their own talents and abilities and how exciting that is to chase their dreams and grow their families. Because we all have that in our homes. We all have our own moments, and we’re all just doing our very best, aren’t we?
So, I started looking at my own habitual apologizing/disclaimer with heavy laden excuses.
I’ve realized that apologizing has become a habit. A dirty, nasty, dorky habit. What I do when someone else walks into my home, is just a symptom of the real issue at heart. It’s just an indicator of where I am in my life.
I stumbled across this video and I realized this is me. {Refresh if it’s not loading because you need to see it.}
They got a little ‘sassy’ at the end, but I’ve been apologizing for silly things that don’t matter. It’s a bad habit. Somewhere along the lines, I’ve confused the idea of humbleness, and gratitude with being apologetic. Where the heck did that come from? I’m apologizing in an effort to be grateful and also, maybe to be relatable to others. Sometimes if I’m being really honest, I feel like I’m in the way. That’s the issue at the core. Where were we taught this approach? Because in that, I’ve lost the entire notion of confidence.
Confidence automatically nulls any silly concerns. You are beautiful. Your life is beautiful. How much more appealing were the women at work when they were contrasted with their first version of themselves? I want her leading my team. I want her in my corner. Everything around you… even the imperfections, guys. Isn’t it time we owned them? The threadbare carpet, the dated wallpaper, the scattered toys, the messy children’s faces and the scuffed furniture- that nasty pantry (with dog collars and paper plates) – They’re beautiful. Because they’re indicators of a life well lived. Of a growing family. Of a full home.
We’re all different in our own beautiful way. Our lives are all unique and come with their own sets of pros and cons.
So maybe we should stop apologizing… and/or assuming that people are thinking certain things just because we’re so hard on ourselves.
I’m a sensitive person all around. There’s something about having a daughter who is an exact replica of you, that will make you realize your own make up very quickly. I constantly pick myself apart. I analyze everything. I told Jamin the other day: I’m sentive all over. To the sun (I’m pale and I burn). To sugar (it drops and I want to faint). Medications (name the side effects and I usually have them). Words. Actions. Feelings. I cry like a baby at the end of Toy Story and through The Giving Tree every. Single. Time. The kids bring them to me because they think it’s funny.
Most of the time, I really despise that about me. Why am I letting fill-in-the-blank bother me? Why can’t I be more level headed like so-and-so? While it’s good to question my angle on things, and bounce ideas off of those closest to me to keep myself in check, I also am who I am for a reason.
Because of that… I apologize for things that are totally out of my control. In the past, I never stood up for myself. Or if I did, I quickly apologized for it. And then I realized while I can work on a few nasty habits, it’s also who the maker made me to be.
Maybe I wouldn’t take the initiative to change things about myself, if I wasn’t so sensitive to them. Maybe I wouldn’t be a writer, or an artist… or an empathetic person or (most importantly) the kind of mother that I am… if I weren’t so sensitive.
I think while we can change the things that we need to, and always strive to be better people… we can also embrace the things about ourselves that we don’t like. Sometimes our weaknesses are also our greatest strengths.
And in the meantime… For everything, from our homes to our physical appearances and who we are as people… For things we didn’t do… For things that are out of our control… stop apologizing for them.
We will always have our critics. We will always have our imperfections. Those are two things as sure as death and taxes, that will never go away.
And since they’re totally out of my control, it’s time to stop apologizing, already.
Jenna says
Wow- thanks for this, this morning- I needed it. So real! 😀
Chelsea says
This is me to a T. I am a highly sensitive person, most times I wish I wasn’t, but your post was very inspiring & exactly what I needed. Thank you.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Yes! Me too. Meeeee too. ;}
Naomi W says
Amen!
melissa says
Side note the “sorry not sorry” bit is super unattractive on anyone.
BUT
There were parts that made my heart hurt a tad. Like the one where the woman was saying “sorry this is a stupid question…” horrible and gets the point across with that one line
ashley @ the handmade home says
Yep. I thought they were a little sassy at the end but I did like what they said with the stupid question part. I do it ALL the time. ;} I found that part totally relatable.
Amanda @ Serenity Now says
Loved this post, Ashley! I don’t have time to comment on many blogs these days, but I had to comment on this one. God has really been nudging me about this lately. Just finished Myquillyn’s “The Nesting Place” last night and had pages and pages of highlighted quotes, many of them about embracing imperfections and focusing on HOME instead of HOUSE. I feel the same way about hitting my 30s…enough of the judgey stuff. So over it. I feel like social media makes it easier for women (moms, in my case) to judge each other and snark over houses, clothes, school choices, the way we feed our babies, you name it! Thank you for sharing from your heart today. I think you’ll find many more kindred spirits on this subject! 🙂
Brandy says
I was thinking of “the nesting place,” as I was reading this too! Message heard loud and clear. I even drafted an email at work today and removed the apologies! I’m glad I’m not the only one hearing this message all over the place 🙂
Christine says
Sorry, not sorry that I read this post! Love it! Thanks for pouring out your heart and reminding us to be confident!
Tennille Mykula says
Good word sister, good word! we had some friends over for supper on Friday night, a last minute get together (I literally had like 1.5 hrs to clean the house and make all the food. I sent my hubby to the grocery store to grab a couple of things and when he came home he began to frantically tidy the drop zone – the section of countertop where we drop everything when we come in the door. Normally I would’ve asked him to tidy it but for some reason I said “You know what?! Don’t worry about that. They’re our friends. They aren’t going to care about that” And it’s true. We had a great night and nobody mentioned the clutter. It’s progress. (I did give the bathroom a quick wipe down cause let’s face it, that’s just nasty) I’d rather have people in my cluttered home than eat alone in clean and sparkly perfection. Thanks for keepin’ it real. 🙂
Cindy says
Thank you for this, sweet Ashley. “Disarm with humor” is the PERFECT description of what I constantly do about my home, my appearance, the possibility that I have bad breath from lunch… Worth noting: this isn’t just an issue for women. Although he is a masculine and intelligent leader, as part of processing some things that were drilled into my husband for many years in his past, he is learning that he doesn’t have to keep apologizing for things that he doesn’t need to be sorry for. xo
Brittany aka Pretty Handy Girl says
Awesome post Ashley. Yup! Totally guilty of this and working on removing “sorry” from my regular vocabulary and reserving it for when I truly am and need to say I’m sorry.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Amen, Brittany! ;}
Carla says
I’m not sure what it was about turning 40, but about that time I just stopped worrying about it so much. If I know company is coming, I might tidy up if I can. Otherwise, I’m so over it. So you are coming to that realization earlier than I did. Enjoy it!!
The pictures of your kids playing in the floor really got me. With my son about to go to college, I so miss those days of all kinds of army men (that same set, I think!) scattered around the floor. I miss every chair in our house being dragged to the open area, having a quilt thrown over it, and it being used as a tent. I miss the general chaos of having a young one in the house. Enjoy that as well!!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you for that sweet reminder, Carla! ;}
Amanda says
Thank you
Sue O'Mullan says
I loved this post – must say this has been one of my best reads in a long long time.
So true – I am a woman in my 50’s (51) and am still doing the “sorry” for everything. One thing has changed me though – my children. I learned how to stick up for them when they couldn’t. Now – one of my sons is 20 and still cannot speak. He is diagnosed with autism. I have learned to speak for him. I have learned to not be apologetic with him and learned to grow my backbone. I can fight like no other when it comes time for his dignity and rights. You would have thought it transferred over to myself? Not yet…. maybe by 52!!! We’ll see! Hopefully the younguns can learn from this post and not make the same mistakes I did …. don’t be sorry! You didn’t do anything wrong!!!! All my love, Sue
Haley says
Thank you!!:))
Bethany says
I’m so very guilty of this myself. Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂
Teresa says
Hello,
I just want to say thank you for this post. This one really resonated with me. I don’t know when I picked it up, but I have the urge to say sorry so often! Sometimes I can catch myself and will ask in my head “do I need to be sorry for that?” But most of the time it’s the same thing that you mentioned – as soon as ANYONE walks in the door of our home I am apologizing for the condition it’s in.
I love how you mentioned your sensitivity. I have been looking into this topic quite a bit lately and always feel relieved to find other women who have the same traits. I am inspired by your story – you have a beautiful family and blog. That is what I am aspiring to – I would love to have a blog and share my thoughts, projects and passions with people. Thank you for sharing with the world. 🙂
Rachel Komlo says
I tell people they are the ones who give power to things. If they are offended, it’s their view and not mine that is feeling trespassed upon. I say sorry when it is necessary of course. If I have honestly done something callous or mean. But when I’m being me or expressing my ideals or passions? I’m never sorry. I own myself through and through and I’m proud of my badassness!
This is a great post. A lot of people can benefit from it. It is time we stopped shadowing and weakening ourselves.
rock on sisters 🙂
Holly says
Thank you for this! In my heart, I know it to be true, but I have a hard time letting the real chaos of our home show true. I am an interior designer, we recently purchased a home that had been renovated by a fairly well know designer, and so I feel a pressure to always have my home looking perfect so that people can “see my work” & so that my home lives up to the preconceived notions that I have told myself visitors already have about our home. And the ironic part is that I am always telling clients that I think our homes should work for us, & we shouldn’t be working for our homes. Thanks for such a heartfelt post!
Annie says
Beautifully expressed. I have been a sensitive person and hated it for a long time. But someone wise told me the world needs my type of unconditional love. I’ve learned to not be a doormat while operating in my gift. Some will bulldoze over us. But -so what? We know who we are in Christ.
Barbi says
I have said this many times and maybe even on this blog…..We’re all in this together, we’re all moms and none of us are perfect, we really need to stick together and help each other, lift each other up, not talk behind each others backs, etc. We all do it and we need to stop and support each other. Thank-You for opening up to us all and sharing what’s “REAL” , not just anybody can or will do this. We all need to read this post and try to change for the better. It will be better for our health also, less stress is good for all of us. Your blog is fun and full of wonderful projects, but when you do these type of blogs they show us how amazing you really are! Thank-You so very much!
Toodles and Best Wishes, Barbi
Jessica says
I absolutely LOVE this… it could not be more true. Thanks for sharing!
Rose L. says
My best friend would visit and I would always apologize for my house–hadn’t swept up the cat bunnies floating along, hadn’t dusted the furniture, oops-don’t see the cobwebs. She would always tell me that she was there to see me and not my home.
Someone once told me that I reminded her of Edith Bunker. On one of the shows Edith was advising her daughter about her friction with her husband. Edith said, “When we disagree, someone always says ‘I;m sorry,’ and Archie always says ‘It’s allright Edith.”
Bets says
Wow! This post really hit home. Not only do I make excuses for the condition of our house, but also for what I’m wearing and if my toes aren’t painted and my grey hairs are out of control. Yikes!!! The word “sorry” has become so prevalent in my use of language that I don’t even realize I’m saying it!! My husband (my beautiful, strong, supportive husband) frequently brings it to my attention, “Stop saying you’re sorry! You have nothing to be sorry about.” But the phrase is pervasive…. like “um,” and “like” (“Like I SAID I was sorry!”), scattered liberally throughout thoughts and conversations.
I am putting a post-it on my computer screen right now that has the words “I’m Sorry” in a circle with a line through them. Yeah!! You GO girl!!
Jamie @ Southern Revivals says
I saw this same commercial the other day and it really, really hit home! Love this post!
Tammy says
Ash, I have always sucked at being a SAHM who suck at keeping a tidy house, Fa Real. My brother used to come by with a friend and have the audacity to tell his friends, “You have to excuse my sister’s house.” And I would tell his friend(s), “No don’t excuse my house, if you don’t like it you can wait for him in his car.” By the third time he would bring a friend by, he knew better. I don’t make excuses to anyone about my house. My husband knew when he met me, I Did Not like housekeeping. My mom was still cleaning my apartment for me at 25 lol. Seriously! I have some friends who brag about always having a clean house. I say that’s great for you, that type of stuff doesn’t bother me. Me and my children enjoy spending time together in our home. I have no problem with leaving dishes until the next morning or heck that afternoon. We don’t have roaches, knats etc, so we must not be nasty lol. Every body and everything doesn’t have to always be photo ready. Sometimes I post on my FB page that it’s funky month for me: no hair, no makeup, no cute clothes so don’t double take when you see me. People are never shocked by me, because I never apologize for being true to myself. And most of them, love me to pieces. So Ms Ash, keep doing you. You are who you are and it is what it is. Transparency is good for the soul… Love ya Lady Bug!
Danielle says
Such a good post! Thanks for sharing! I’m definitely guilty of this as well!