It’s almost October.
And since it’s almost the spooky month, and since we’re buried in paint right now, we thought it’d be fun to re-visit a little scary story you may enjoy. Happy Almost-October!
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Last Monday, we had one of those insanely scheduled days.
But not the bad kind of scheduled. They’re the kind of days that happen when you feel like you get to spend lots of time with fun friends and the kids play themselves into oblivion until they’ve passed out like little exhausted thugs on the floor, scheduled.
At 9:00 we had VBS. So I dropped them off, and enjoyed a rare, quiet morning to get a little work done before picking them back up again at 12 while they got their Jesus on, and I was able to feel like a good mom (because we homeschool and they were being socialized with Jesus so I was multitasking. Duh. It’s a win).
From there, it was straight to a friend’s house for pizza and swimming where I got to feel like a good mom again, because more socialization + exercise + awesome food in the form of gluttony and pizza + healthy doses of sarcasm-filled conversations = also good mom. {PS. We totally lucked out in the friends-with-a-pool thing. I highly recommend it. We’ve been friends for years now, but I let them know on a regular basis that if we ever broke up, I would be one of those weirdos you read about on the news who climbs over their fence to swim like nothing ever happened. In the middle of the night. I mean, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience or use them or anything. Can’t you see it in the paper now? Local Family Arrested for Midnight Stalker Swims. With my scary mascara-smeared mugshot splattered across the local papers. On second thought, I’ve never said that out loud. Shhhh.}
We stayed for hours. To the point where I was all, “Are you ready for us to leave yet?” Because we have this mutual agreement that she will tell me if she has somewhere to be, and if not, we wait for the kids to start melting. We stayed for around 4 hours and then went home to get ready for dinner with friends. That was at least two more entire applications of sunscreen to my porcelain boys. It’s how we roll.
Don’t worry. I’m setting up the summer days in suburbia backstory for you with good intent… stay with me
We came home and changed, and then met more friends for dinner. {I know, right? We are so social.} The restaurant was closed, so we went to another local joint instead, and then headed to their house so the kids could play while we chatted it up some more. We stayed way too late – like, ten o’clock late {something else we never do} and on the way home it started to sprinkle. I looked down at my phone and realized I’d been a total airhead and had not set our alarm to the house all day. Fail.
We arrived at home, and the kids were wilted flowers on the floor after we transferred them from the car, so we were total parents of the year and put them in the bed. No baths because romps in the pool totally count and they were limp noodles so at that point. A bath would be torture so no judging.
The details here are important. I’m confessing because of what happened next.
The next morning, we woke them up for another round of VBS {and baths} and when I went into Emmy’s room for a necklace she wanted to wear, I noticed the strangest thing on her dresser. At first, I picked it up thinking it was part of the boys’ toys. A fishing net. Or some rando action figure part.
You know with kids, you make things up in your head that you own because sometimes things appear that make absolutely no sense whatsoever, and you have to roll with it. I do that a lot. But this was a little more random because upon further examination, I realized it was, in fact, a giant, black hairnet.
Just lying there. Casually. Draped. Across her dresser.
Say what?
Do you ever start racking your brain over something random that’s turned up in your home? Because this was, by far, the most random thing that has ever appeared. But there’s always tomorrow.
I called all the usual suspects into the room, and displayed said hairnet. Me: “Have you guys ever seen this before? Do you know where it came from?”
Drunken children from the day before’s escapades gave me blank, wide-eyed, glassy stares.
Me: “Emerson. Did you put this here?”
Emerson: “I have never seen that before. I have no idea where it came from.”
Aiden: {Confused, and then a small voice of reason} “What if she picked it up on her clothes yesterday and it came home with us?”
Cue me, experimenting with clothing. Feeling a little relief. Then remembering that I was parent of the year, and put her right in the bed. And I would have noticed a giant hairnet. And it still didn’t explain how it was casually draped. Major casual drape-age was happening with no explanation.
Like someone placed it there.
Suddenly, I was kinda freaked out that I had a foreign hairnet in my hands, and we were late so we moved on. I realized they were telling the absolute truth. It was still bothering me. Jamin took them for the day and I was left alone. At home.
With my wild imagination.
I went to throw it away, and then stopped. I put the hairnet in a plastic baggy because suddenly, in my mind, I started thinking along the lines of CSI. And DNA. And convicted murderous felons. I realized I hadn’t set the alarm yesterday. So I started checking all the windows.
I found one window in our bedroom, unlocked. And when I looked out of the window, I realized the bench that is usually sitting outside in front of said window, had been moved over. Also, the very next day, Jamin was leaving town for a big hurrah of a trip, and I would be at home. Alone. For five whole days. To survive.
There was an immediate sense of impending doom.
Begin inner monologue of panicked, non-rational thinking:
Did we move the bench? I don’t remember moving the bench. We could have. But the blinds look a little wonky here. Like, someone could have climbed in, wonky. Were they already wonky? I forgot to set the alarm yesterday. Chloe would be acting funny if someone had broken in. But she is getting old. She’s been breathing funny and her vet appointment is in the morning. Is she choking? Is this like that urban legend where I take her to the vet and then they call and tell me to get out of the house because there’s a finger in her throat and the man is hiding under my bed with a bandaged hand? No. Men don’t wear hairnets. Do they? Maybe if they work in a food or health industry thingamajig that I know nothing about?
Is there an angry lady cook here? Am I being sexist?
Cue me, walking around the home to see if anything was taken. I mean, if someone had broken in, wouldn’t they take something?
Nothing was missing.
So I did the rational thing, and I called Jamin.
Me: Not trying to dial down the alarm in my voice “I just wanted to let you know, I think we should call the police.”
Jamin: “And tell them what? You found a hairnet in our house?”
Me: “There could be a serial killer. This is always what happens at the beginning of Dateline, Jamin. With the reporters and casual photos of a happy family. Except usually the victim was out jogging. I just started running. I knew it. Running is basically a death sentence. What if someone has been in the woods watching me? What if there’s some weirdo out there, trying to send me a message? What if someone came into our daughter’s room and left a hairnet to let us know they’ll be back soon? What if there’s a serial killer out there who leaves hairnets as warnings before they prey on their victims, and now he’s living in our attic, and it fell out of the air vent? We wouldn’t know about it because they won’t talk about it on the news. We need to talk to the police.”
Jamin: {The usual voice of reason} “I’m pretty sure there’s a rational explanation.”
Me: “You’re going to come home at the end of the week, and I will have been strangled with a hairnet. It’ll be featured everywhere as the Hairnet Strangler Mystery. The kids will be on CNN with an Amber Alert. And all because you didn’t listen to me. I can see it all now on Nancy Grace. She’s all blaming you and our families are in the courtroom with ashen faces. It shows shots of your forlorn, lonely existence. It even ends with a white Bronco chase. You just want to collect on my life insurance, don’t you?”
Because at this point, I know I’m being completely idiotic, but I still think I’m clever, especially in times of crisis.
Jamin: {Not missing a beat, perfectly monotone – at this point he’d put the receiver down so he could work while I rambled on and on…} “I’m pretty sure there’s a rational explanation.”
But it was too late. I had it in my head that someone had slipped into our home {even though there were no boot prints on the floor from the rain the night before – duh he walked around barefoot.} In a hairnet. Maybe a woman had been playing in Emerson’s dollhouse. She was so in love with said dollhouse and remembering her childhood, that it made her remove her hairnet and she forgot it with all the fun she was having, so she left it on the dresser. Right before she MURDERS us.
I don’t mind loaning out our dollhouse. Maybe as long as you promise not to strangle me with your hairnet.
After tracking our day and going back through all the possibilities with no answers, I did the last rational thing left. I needed peace of mind. If Jamin was staying in town, I would have been all, That’s totally his problem. I ain’t scered. And rolled back over to go back to sleep at night while he struggled with an intruder because he’s totally got this.
But he was leaving, and there was a deranged fry cook with a missing finger living in our attic.
This was it. I was going to die.
So I did the only thing I knew to do at the risk of sounding crazy. I gave our friend a call who’s home we’d stayed at oh-so-late the night before. I told her I was going to sound crazy and this was the weirdest thing ever. I just needed peace of mind before Jamin left town… And she cut me off as soon as she heard the word “hairnet”
“Um, I can explain,” she began.
And I breathed a gigantic anxiety-ridden-dramatical sigh of relief.
Actually, the whole idea is quite brilliant. Because they use hairnets to store their princess wigs. It helps with all the tangles.
I know, right? RIP, borderline creepy on a toddler Rapunzel wig.
If only I’d known! I’m putting that jazz on Pinterest, yo!
In the end, I still have no idea how the hairnet was transferred from Emerson’s clothing to the dresser. The only rational explanation is that they were playing dress up the night before, and she somehow had a hairnet wedged in her clothes. Our little sleepwalker {she is notorious} got up in the night, and removed a lumpy hairnet. Thus her memory loss. She placed {draped} it on the dresser, and went back to sleep.
{You should wake up in the middle of the night when she’s standing right over you and has no idea where she is. Creepy. Probably more creepy than deranged fry cooks in the attic. Especially if she’s wearing that Rapunzel wig.}
The latter, is less of a stretch.
I’m just glad I didn’t call the police.
I just sounded crazy to everyone else I knew.
And then made it official, by documenting it on the www with photos, and everything instead.
My mom always told me I had an overactive imagination.
And in other totally unrelated news, hairnets flatter absolutely no one. Okay. Maybe they look awesome on you. Not me. With my burglar face and Gumby head. I am so scary for totally different reasons.
In the meantime, maybe I’ll be working on toning it down a bit in the drama department.
One can never be too careful.
And that’s the time I was almost murdered.
OK, You are hilarious! I love reading your stories. And I would have spun a similar scenario I am sure of it because we actually had friends with two people living in their attic for like weeks! So yeah you were really onto something., you know, except for the perfectly reasonable explanation…
You can’t share stories like this and not give details describing what happened next. I’m literally staring at the screen in disbelief. Whaaaaaaatttt?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! So scary! And yay for socialization in the form of bathing in a pool ;}
It was crazy. As I recall the family had gone out for the day and apparently some teenage/young adult guys had broken into the garage and gotten into the attic then down into the house though the other attic access. They would wait til they would leave for the day and come down and eat stuff…the mom thought things we a bit out of place but just thought it was their kids. Then after a few days they came down thinking the family was gone but the mom came home and found them. They attacked her but the daughter got away and called for help. There were likely drugs being consumed and I think they may have been acquaintances of the older son…still totally creepy, right?
That is a super creepy story. I saw a creepy SUV like that once. The killers were valet parking guys and would copy people keys then brake in the house and hide in the attic. After watching it I never give my keys to anyone. When I get my oil changed I give them the car key only. I mean they are right next to key cutters and have your address! I also bought a house you can only access the attic from the garage. Pheeeeewwww. Safe.
VERY creepy. Google “Person living in crawl space and no one knew about it” Apparently, this happens. And I’m not as dramatic as I thought… Jamin is nodding his head that I’m feeding my own paranoia fire. ;}
also, swimming totally counts as bathing and from another home school mom, props for all the socializing!
Oh.my.lanta. That was a good read this morning which evoked much nail biting and laughter. I could totally stay with you in your “rationalizing” of the situation. I’m so glad your friend was kind enough to stop your mind from coming up with 100 other scenarios. 😉
What made me laugh the loudest was this sentence, “But he was leaving, and there was a deranged fry cook with a missing finger living in our attic.” The reason for that? When we were expecting our third child, we had no idea what we would name it. We hadn’t found out the sex, but I just knew it was a girl. We picked out the sweet girl name of Mia Grace. Well, the boy names were harder to come by. My husband teased me with Shot, Elmer and other craziness. Then one day I was thinking of family names and it hit me! My grandmother’s maiden name was Frye. Donnie’s mom’s maiden name was Cook. Frye Cook! That was it! Everyone got the biggest kick out of that joke, especially my daddy who loves the Beverly Hillbillies. Remember Jethro wanting to be a fry cook? Yeah, so thanks for the laugh and the memories this morning. By the way, the baby was a boy (shocker!!!) and his name is Ethan Wade. He’s 12 now and appreciates the fact that we didn’t stick with any of the previous names.
Best. Name. Ever.
I think you really missed your golden opportunity with that one :} When we were in the hospital with our youngest, we asked the birth certificate lady what some of the most bizarre names were she’d ever heard. The winner? Jesus Popcorn. ;}
That one definitely gets the prize for most unusual. Even beats Lemonjello.
My Grandmother was a guidance secretary at the middle school for years. She once had a little girl named FEMALE. The parents thought the hospital gave her the name. NO LIE. HAND TO GOD TRUTH.
STOP. I’m ROFL! First that they thought that and then that they kept it. There are seriously some people out there that should go back in the “brains” line upstairs. omg!
Yes. They pronounced it like you would say Tamale with an F.
I know you were freaked out but I am laughing so hard! Probably because I’m the same way. I convince my daughters that they are scared when my husband has to go out of town so they will sleep with me!!!
“Running is basically a death sentence.” BEST. LINE. EVER.
HAHAHAHA! I drag Emerson into the bed every night right before I retire when Jamin is gone… She loves it. Hilarious.
I so understand your panic. It isn’t easy being a mommy and having a full schedule only to find weird things in your house. I am glad that it wasn’t anything serious but I totally get the freaking out part. Thanks for sharing your store. It gave me a chuckle this morning. Happy 4th.
Happy 4th!
I was seriously DYING laughing, reading this! And I totally relate – I would have come to all of those same conclusions!
Hahahaha! I can laugh because this.is.so.me. I always go to the dark side. I have plans and escape routes and back up plans. It reminds me of the time my husband was out of town (of course) and I feel myself coming out of sound sleep to … wait … was that the doorbell? … at 3 o’clock in the morning? I’m not usually afraid to be by myself or investigate stuff but I could not go downstairs! I flipped on several upstairs lights because of course the impending intruders are ringing the doorbell to test if anyone is home. I grab my cell phone and land line phone listening HARD for any outside sounds, ninja-ing (that’s a word, right?) to windows to look for any signs of people/murderers at my house and concocting my plan of which child’s room we will barricade ourselves in (the room facing the front of the house so I can signal/scream bloody murder to police or neighbors out the window). As I’m doing all of this I also keep checking the land line phone for a dial tone because, you know, the murderers ringing my doorbell are going to cut the line. No one was there, I’m sure the doorbell sound was part of a dream, but I still kept the lights on the rest of the night!
And you will probably survive the zombie apocalypse. It’s all fun and games until people start eating brains ;}
This was absolutely hilarious and I would have totally been freaking out as well. I think most women would feel the same finding a totally foreign item like that in our house, especially our kids rooms. Great story!
You slay me! I would have been the same way.
So this and the first commenter reminded me of a similar incident. Last fall I had gotten tired of waiting for my husband to put some boxes in the attic and decided to do it myself. But I’m a little scared of attics because someone might be up there plotting to kill me (due to a CSI I saw once and now the first commenter). I pulled down the ladder and slowly climbed up, taking a deep breath before the final step into the attic. Before my eyes could even adjust, I looked to my left and about three feet from my face was a pile of HUMAN BONES!!! As I stood there in frozen terror I imagined the murder who lives in my attic and who was now going to kill me and hide my bones. Only after a few minutes did I remember my husband and my dad laughing about the former owners leaving some Halloween decorations behind. So I got super brave and touched the bones… foam. It was a skeleton got Halloween. But still, attics are scary.
I would have DIED. Or wet my pants. Probably the latter. Glad everything was okay! ;}
That is a hilarious story! I was laughing out loud. If a random hairnet ended up in my house I would freak out and make up crazy scenarios too.
Where did you find the dress form jewelry holder? LOVE!
Hey Kari! It’s a flea market find from a very long time ago. https://www.thehandmadehome.net/2010/08/unexpected-finds-and-revamps-a-linky-partay/ ;} It’s been so great for her space! I have no idea where the owner found it. I know that’s probably not much help!
That is such a funny story! It reminded me of something Erma Bombeck might have written. If you haven’t heard of her, you gotta look her up!
I have had events where I will find things moved from their usual spots, or a room door is open when it had been closed, or a light on that I had left off, and think someone had been in the house. Of course, now that my home is going on the market, I will become totally paranoid!
oh my goodness I’d never thought of that kinda thing. Ahhhhh! You will be fine. Put tape on the attic door? ;}
cute story – but i probably would have been the exact same way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great story!! Unfortunately (fortunately?) for me, if there was a strange ANYTHING in one of my kid’s rooms it would probably take me a week to find it because their rooms are so messy!
I am laughing so hard right now. Not AT you, but WITH you. Because your story could have been written by me. I.AM.ANXIETY girl. I once googled {there’s the problem} necrotizing fasciitis because my son’s hands “spontaneously” pealed one day—I could have sworn it was some horrifying flesh devouring bacteria— and then the voice of reason {husband} reminded me of, you know, totally not life-threatening skin issues, like eczema, allergies, or {gasp} too much chlorine from the public pool 2 days before….
Glad to see I’m not the only momma with an “over active imagination”. Hahaha.
HAHAHHA! That is awesome! And something I would totally do! Our dog likes to push open doors! It freaks me out and I check every closet 🙂
Hilarious…think we’ve all been there…you just make it funny and not so psychotic sounding like if I were to tell my stories. : )
Oh my word, I was laughing so hard. I would be exactly the same about a random hairnet! Also, my husband often travels for work and, only on those occasions, does our rarely barking dog decide to sit at the top of the stairs and growl whilst looking downstairs. Seriously freaks me out every time! Because of course there are axe murderers circling my house as soon as my husband leaves for a business trip…. I make my kids sleep with me so I can lock my bedroom door when he is away also. Now I am freaking out because we don’t even have an alarm. Also, my daughter totally sleep walks and I wake up with her staring at me beside my bed. Totally creeps me out! She happily does what I suggest (usually tell her to climb in and snuggle with me) but still….. Glad we don’t have an attic for people to hang out in but I sometimes worry about that with our basement. Oh, now I think I shouldn’t have read the other comments!!
It’s probably a sign of my own anxiety problems that as I was reading this I was all, “YES, obviously call the police! INTRUDERS!”
We live in a neighborhood with a lot of squirrels and they tend to prance around on the roofs of the houses. WELL. Every time I hear one up there in the middle of the night, I immediately think we’re about to get stabbed. Of course, we never are, but still.
You are completely hysterical!…I absolutely love reading these blog posts because I can totally relate. My family loves me but they do think I’m a complete nut job! Please keep writing these and making us all smile (and chuckle out loud).
Thanks so much, Eowyn! ;} I want to do more. This is how I started, And sometimes I really miss doing these ;}
I seriously just read this out loud to my husband to confirm that I am, in fact, not crazy. He coaches basketball and when he is gone in the dead of winter when it gets dark at 5, I create all kinds of horrible stories in my mind!
This was absolutely hysterical and I was dying laughing. Even though it was funny-not-funny in the moment!
Soooooooooooooo relieved I’m not the only one who comes up with (not so) crazy scenarios like this in my head. Because seriously, it can happen. Also, I may have watched too many CSI-type shows as well. Apparently not the healthiest choice for my mental well-being. 😉
Ashley!!!!!!! Laughing til my stomach hurts!!! I am literally crying, mascara all over my face from laughing so hard!!! Keep it up girl:))
You are hilarious and I’m pretty sure that our paranoias get together and come up with crazy stories to plant in our heads… ’cause I was totally nodding along with your explanations.
ok… you sound just like me! i was laughing so hard at this! thank you for making my day and making me feel like i’m not the only one in the world that jumps to crazy conclusions! 🙂
Oh my gosh, Ashley, you’re going to get me fired! Here I am, supposed to be WORKING, when instead I’m casually perusing my blogs, and come across this gem that is making me LOL. It’s so hard to stifle a guffaw, you know.
By the way, you sound exactly like my friend Emily, the queen of Stranger Danger. I’m pretty sure she would have taken her daughter and spent the night at her parent’s house for much less than a waylaid hairnet, so don’t feel bad! 🙂
Oh my goodness, how hilarious! Sounds like something I would do!
Where did you get the bust jewelry holder with the added tutu?
Oh my goodness, you and I are the same person! I do the exact same thing and even as I was reading your story, I was drawing the same conclusions you wrote about dreaming up.
It got worse for me when I had kids.
Carry on….you’re not alone in your CSI scenarios mama!