I joke about the whole mid life crises thing on here a lot. At least I have for, probably, the past five years.
When I turned thirty, I thought I was a grown up.
I think I was wrong.
The mid life crisis has always been painted by society and movies as someone losing their ever-loving mind, and going on a rampage. Stereotypical breakups paired with fast cars and younger {wo}men. Or journeys across the Sahara with one bottle of water and a bag of magical mushrooms and a tiger. Yes, that escalated quickly.
But the closer I’ve inched towards it, on that timeline and the worldview of aging, the more I’ve noted its existence. Like a quiet nod to an old friend that will never leave… My own mortality has come creeping up to greet me, and it’s so much more tangible than it has ever been before in its inevitable-ness.
A few more fine lines around my eyes, and I’m a bit less invicible.
It was probably around 34, and then 35. I felt it gaining steam when I promised myself then, the best is yet to come. A big proverbial fist in the air to time. But now that I’m 37, a shift in my life has taken place, and the best really is coming. It’s here. It’s all around us. There are no breakups and fast cars and younger men, though I have probably considered a little botox and a lift here or there. To each their own, for the love.
But there’s a swing of the pendulum, and I’m on the uptick.
The blush is officially falling off the freaking rose, and there’s something so much better on the inside beneath those shallow little petals. Because I am here to say something that I believe to be true… we only grow more beautiful, from the inside, with time.
It all started for us both, personally, about four years ago. Yes, I’ve officially mentioned it here too many times. Throw your tomatoes. But in case you’re just tuning in, I think that it was a major life change for us to get through. And while some may label a leap into the unknown with relocating our family and business as total first world problems, {they are} it started with the desire to change something big.
I looked back on the past years and felt as though I’d aged severely because of it all. But it was because we were changing so much more than just those things on the surface. It took a while. Much longer than we ever thought. We were consumed with the negative aspects and the what-ifs, along with why it didn’t happen sooner. I’ve spent the first half of my life obsessed with perfection. With never being good enough. Apologizing for things that didn’t warrant apologies, but because I felt like I wasn’t measuring up to someone else’s expectations. A lot of it was self-applied pressure that’d reached a fever pitch.
We let so many outside opinions dictate what we should and shouldn’t do with our lives. I’ve come to the slow realization that it was because I was letting myself feel the pressure and guilt. And it was debilitating. So the novel, apocalyptic notion that we are in charge of our own feelings and emotions is actually quite freeing.
There I was, still doing so much to please others and stomp out that ever-burning flare-up of guilt.
Last I checked, flare-ups are for hemorrhoids and I don’t need that in my life, either.
I feel like that’s always been a bit anti-southern in strategy when it comes to the female world and my expected, martyred role in it. I’ve come to realize, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being content with yourself, and happy in your own skin. You don’t have to trade one thing in for another. It’s actually a nice life exercise in being kind to others, dropping the judgement thing just because someone else doesn’t live their life like yours, and for the love, you really don’t always have to be such a rule follower.
Still working on that one.
There’s something in aging that does that to you, naturally. At least one hopes it does. Once upon a time, I thought adults grew up. And I’ve found that some people never really give themselves the freedom, space and permission to do so.
There’s a major lack of self-love in our society and I’m kind of fed up with its absence. It’s pretty easy to see the negative, downward trickle on social media. We have a false sense of entitlement and the idea that people should care about our opinions… too many are letting it fly whilst hiding behind a computer screen.
There are so many dynamics fighting against us and our desire to be authentic. There are so many elements that won’t let us be content in our own skin. So I’m left with the option to do two things in my life:
I can keep living my life exhausted, worried and riddled with guilt… or
I can drop it all. Let it go.
I’m working very hard on the latter. I’m done with it all.
I owe my own daughter that.
So, enter stage left, our own little midlife crisis: Looking that old friend of my inevitable mortality in the eye, we moved our entire family. It was a big change, and big changes are always hard. We altered the trajectory of our family. And we were intentional. We {Jamin and I} both sought out and surrounded ourselves with a variety of people who challenge us and make us laugh and aren’t consumed with judgement. A wonderful community where we have opportunities for our children and even our business. I took up yoga. We started eating better. We’ve felt things shift here and there and those small shifts have added up to a big game changer for our lives.
I started giving myself permission, for the first time in my life, to fill my own cup so I can fill others’. On the surface it looks shallow. Maybe even selfish to some. But it goes so much deeper than that.
And because of that, I’m actually able to give more.
What a novel idea.
So here’s to embracing the journey, and where I am right now.
I hug my kids a little longer and appreciate the slower moments.
I smile at strangers and strike up a conversation.
I’m a better wife. A better mother. A better daughter and friend. I still have a long way to go. But just giving myself permission to say so is a game changer.
It’s nice to finally set some of that burdensome baggage down, coming to rest on my laurels if you will, and then readjust a few that just aren’t working. I’ve filtered it out and I’m embracing every moment. I had no idea that life could feel so freeing. But it started with letting it go. And being open to what comes with it.
Hello, adult-hood. I’m finally here.
I focused on stress for years. On perfectionism. On constantly judging myself. On the what if’s and the what-might-not-happens. Obsessively. And guess what? It didn’t help, or change a thing.
Instead, I’m changing my viewpoint. I’m switching the dialog in my head.
And that has made all the difference.
So if you’re reading this jumbled mess of thoughts from yours truly, know that you’re strong and brave and beautiful and uniquely perfect just the way you are. If you’re about where I am in life, beyond it or before, celebrate that. Give yourself permission and take a break from the endless apologies and berating, because it’s more than okay. You’ll find yourself able to give back a little more, in return.
Here’s to embracing where you are and being happy with yourself. In the good, bad and ugly. I think it’s about time we allowed ourselves to be right where we are. We are absolutely enough, right now, in the journey. And that’s good enough for me.
So three cheers to crisis, and mid life. Three cheers to blooming into real adulthood.
Three cheers to, the very beginning.
Jeanine says
I can completely relate to everything you said, including a big move at the same age you moved. It sounds like you’re in a much better place both literally and figuratively. I’ve really enjoyed following along on your journey so far and look forward to continuing to do so! I’m sure that God has great plans for your family. In my family’s case, we felt led to adopt a little girl to add to our three children. My husband has always said that she’s way better than a midlife chrysler, lol!
Kinuko says
This post really inspired me a lot! Im 29 and im in the middle of my own midlife crisis but i never give up and keep going with my new blog project with my best friend! its the first time that i leave a comment because my English is not very good but i really want to say that i loved your post!
Thank you!
Tori says
Your words have stirred something that has tried to break through the surface for sometime. I needed them and I appreciate the candid and honest way you give them. Thank you for being authentic. It is inspiring. I wish your family so much happiness.
Nicky says
I love what you’ve said here! I am 43 and can relate in my own way. I was diagnosed with MS 4 years ago and I honestly think it stands for “my sign”. As in it was my sign from God to learn what life is really about. I’ve become more free of negative thoughts of myself and others, learned to be more grateful, and learned that every trial, mistake, and seemingly weird thing that occurs in life are all part of my path. I can honestly say I knew nothing about life until at least 35, and after 40 I’m amazed at the person I have become and how much more connected and in tune I am with life and what is in store for me. I love your story and your authentic voice. Thank you for all that you share! You and your blog are beautiful!
ROSE LEFEBVRE says
Gotta say you have such a beautiful family! I am 65 in a few days and feel younger now! Part of it is because of the medical problems I went through last year and losing 60 pounds. I am now enjoying life and doing more and having fun. I want my last years to be great and to enjoy them as much as able. I do not think I have gone through id life crisis, just happy to be a survivor and now celebrating that.
Jessica Woodall says
Your blog is one of the very few I actually read instead of scrolling through quickly…I love the comment about filling your own cup up first…selfishly unselfish I call it…I have to take care of myself first, if not I can be of no real good use to others…I too am able to give more to others when I am in a good place spiritually…mind. body and soul…let go and let God is the motto I try to live by…don’t always do it but I try…its all in his time not mine…thank you for sharing your creativity, life and wisdom
Carol says
You have a lot of knowledge for your age. And she should be proud!! I’m in my 60’s and I seem to be learning a lot of this stuff kind of late in my life. But taking care of “Me” is more of a priority now and you already know that. I loved your phrase about hugging your kids a little bit longer. I wish I had hugged them longer and much more often. Even when they didn’t want me too! Thanks for sharing your message and I hope all of your friends/fans really take this message to heart. Now if I may ask your fans, doesn’t anyone know of blogs for women my age? I read a lot of blogs of “younger” people and love their decorating ideas and just hearing about their lives. But once you are past 50 it’s a totally new stage of your life. Don’t be scared! It’s a new stage but a wonderful stage too. Thanks for listening and thanks again for sharing your thoughts!
Ashley Barganier says
love this so much! Its all so true. I am47 and finally feel comfortable with myself. Its kinda nice being middle aged. Who knew?:)
Malinda says
love your designs,love your humor, but THIS was one of your best posts everš
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thank you so much! And thank you for stopping by with your sweet words. ;}
Heidi Simmons says
I’ve followed your blog for years and have never commented – more of a silent observer!
I enjoy all your fun design and art, but more than that I enjoy your writing. You are a fabulous writer! I love your witty and relatable content. You seem unafraid to say what everyone else is thinking and I admire that!
And, while many of your posts have touched or otherwise inspired me, this one was exactly what I NEEDED to hear. I’m in “that place” in life which you wrote about. It’s been a struggle, but I know the future is bright – I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Thank you for your raw post and perspective on something many of us can relate to.