We shared this one last year, and since our Spring Break was just as crazy this year, {apparently, it’s a thing with us} we thought we’d share again. Enjoy!
Spring break.
That time of year when parents everywhere breathe a collective sigh of relief, and decide to head to the hills or the beach or Disney World or wherever, in order to release their wild and out-of-control children upon the mass public and all of society. Wheeeee!
And that is why everyone travels. I’ve finally figured it out. People say it’s because they can “get away” and “spend quality time”. You’re not fooling us, fellow parents. But we’ve got your back.
We all know that if we aren’t clever enough to directly correlate their energy to an occasional getaway, where parents can also relax, someone. will. die.
And this is how we know. Because we decided we would have a staycation of sorts. Our children would be peaceful and happy and contained. No one would say “I’m bored” fifteen kajillion times or ask for snacks every ten minutes or scream like a banshee with hemorrhoidal rabies because someone murdered them on Minecraft.
No, instead, they would entertain themselves with over-the-top lego creations, and DIY glitter bottles and Barbie dance parties. With a lot on our plates, we thought it would be wise to stay put. Explore Franklin and Nashville a little when we took some days off to spend with the kiddos. Work a little in between and let them actually get dirty and play outside by themselves in the meantime.
So a little staycation, it was.
I’m pretty sure after what happened this week, it was a brilliant decision to stay home.
I’ve been sick, to date, for 3.5 weeks now. Two weeks in, I gave up, went to the doctor and got that proverbial shot in the arm. {For the record, get the steroid shot in the bum. Always the bum. Even when they offer the arm know that they are evil and show them that cheek, y’all.} While this time it was nice to not showcase my granny panties, I thought my arm just may fall off afterwards. Then I started up on a strong dose of the meds. I don’t know what it is about the doctor, but I won’t go unless I’m on death’s door, heaving like that Gollum character from LOTR. Apparently I waited too long, because I’m still recovering. Still. I don’t want a stronger dose of antibiotics because we all know according to those videos floating around on Facebook, the zombie apocalypse superbug is coming and will take over our bodies if we take too much amoxicillin. {Is it just me?} #Aintnobodygottimeforthat #Hideyokidshideyowife. So I’m really just lathering up on oils and vitamin C and hoping my body continues to do what it’s supposed to do.
That aside, it didn’t help things that we had a short business trip right before, and I just wasn’t up to it. I was still in recovery mode, and the airline lost our luggage, and my ears almost exploded on the plane and I considered it a jet lag setback.
But no rest for the weary.
Because it’s the sound every parent dreads, that came that night when I was back in my own bed, sleeping blissfully.
And you know what happened the last time we had a virus…
They really should change alarm clocks to this specific sound because I’ve never leapt out of bed faster. It’s like some kind of spring-coiled reaction, where we go directly from our backs to our feet with no support in between via cylindrical motion. I’m pretty sure Jamin turns into a ninja a-la power ranger style.
He’s totes the pink one.
There’s something about being not-in-toddler-mode, that has us seriously spoiled. We’re in the golden age where they don’t explode much. And I swear to you that even though we’re veterans, this makes it harder. We have higher expectations for quality of life and stuff, whereas when they’re little, you’re just surviving and you wear the voms as a trademark badge.
So we did the clean up thing and the musical beds thing, and we thought we were well after 48 hours of recovery. Until it happened again. With the same child. Right after I’d just caught up on all the laundry. And just when we thought we’d recovered, it struck again. {Yes, we’d seen the doc – his stomach lining hadn’t recovered. Not fun.}
Side note: I don’t know what it is about the bewitching hour, but why do my children vomit in the wee small hours of the morning? Like, why can’t they be considerate and vomit only in the waking hours? And be poised next to the toilet when they’re ready to heave while they’re at it? That would be grrrreeeeaaaaaaatttttt. And then clean up after themselves? Who invented vomiting?!
But it happened the third time even though the first child had been isolated, the bathroom scrubbed {daily – I’m neurotic} and all the laundry done. Because life. And then we went in for round four. It was the explosion of all explosions, with a child who shall not be named but definitely sleeps like a dead 250 pound manbaby. Do you know what happens when your child sleeps like a dead, 250 pound manbaby and gets sick? Yes. I know many of you do. Many of you have been there.
Complicating matters further, have you seen our childrens’ room? Because while they love it and it’s totally efficient right now, we really are asking for it. Also, I had no idea I could be so fast at dashing in between said beds with a vom bowl. Side note: We had a loft bed for {five? I lost count} years and there were no bodily fluids a-la Niagara Falls lost. We always cut it off at the pass or they slept with us or we got lucky or something.
We played the-floor-is-lava and removed manbaby child, so I intercepted him in the hallway to escort him to the shower. I returned to the bedroom to assist where two remaining kiddos sat a little confused in their beds, staring at their father who was now dry heaving while he attempted to clean the abandoned, remaining bed. I rolled my eyes, as surely he was being totally dramatic, and told him to man up as I walked in the room and breathed, as humans do.
Cue coordinated alternating gagging from the parentals as the clean up began. We raised the windows for sufficient ventilation. I had no idea children were capable of such epic explosions. I mean, this isn’t our first rodeo, but this specific episode was special, and we haven’t had pot roast again for a year.
We deserve medals.
This was, by far, the worst spring break, ever.
On that Saturday after the entire week had passed, and the virus from Hell had left our family after a few rain dances and an apocalyptic cleansing with sage and holy water a-la the exorcist, we decided we would have a nice, relaxing day as a family. Together. Sighing thankfully to ourselves that we hadn’t taken our friends up on that offer to go to the beach because of said bodily explosion shenanigans. Thus the smartest decision ever to have a staynightmarecation.
But that was when the drama of all drama ensued.
It was about thirty minutes after we’d let them into the back yard, that we realized the wind had blown our gate right open, and both Rigby and Fitz {the dogs, not our children} were missing. Gone. Both these furry little trouble makers decided to have a vacay of their own.
I blame the super bug.
Before you burn us at the stake, know that Rigby and Fitz have it better off than well, a lot of situations. We’ll leave that right there, so as not to be insensitive since this post is already filled dangerously to the brim with sarcasm.
We are super diligent about our rescue pups, and take very good care of them. {I won’t even tell you how much we spent on chemo for Chloe. You would be embarrassed for us if you’re not an animal person} But it was one of those freak things where we realized they were gone, and said trouble makers couldn’t be found. We searched high and low. We screamed ’til our voices were gone. Children started to cry. To the point where we needed to find said pups because of said childrens’ sake. Our sweet older neighbor {we won the lottery with the neighbors bit – this place is like Mayberry} drove around too, and searched. We set up a station at home and took another car. I was already making flyers in my head… I remembered an app for neighbors and left a notification there with their photos. Thinking of every other scenario I remembered that they were microchipped and we would just have to check the shelters if they didn’t turn up soon.
We asked everyone we saw outside. To the point where I felt like a creepy kidnapper lady asking kids in their front yards in my sketch, raspy-cold-of-3.5-weeks-voice if they’d seen our dogs. I mean, isn’t this how we teach our kids not to talk to strangers? Drive around with our kids and talk to other kids and then tell them what NOT to do. Great, right? Don’t get in a van to find the proverbial ‘puppy’. Someone probably wrote a message about what happened to their kids today on Facebook already, and it’s going viral.
After talking to the front yard neighbor kids and being the stranger, I then told my own kids not to walk up to cars and talk to strangers. Just like the smart kids had, BTW. I’m actually surprised someone hadn’t called the police because I was creeping so much. Which would have been great because then I would have asked the police officer to help.
The weather was brewing and a storm was coming. 2 hours later, our kiddos were wondering if the pups were lost forever. I was worried something had really happened to them.
It started to rain, and it was then that we got a phone call from one of our neighbors. “I saw your dogs! They’re down toward the main road!” We jumped into the truck to head them off, but they were halfway down the street. Trotting right down the middle, tongues out of their mouths… running full speed. Right toward home.
The prodigal pair went exploring, with no concept of what they’d done wrong. When it had started to rain, it was time to return. Plain and simple. We scooped them up in the pouring rain, put them into the back of our truck and drove back to our house, where they were greeted with grateful hugs and children’s sobbing kisses.
Their recovery: They did this for the rest of the afternoon. Likened to me, after bootcamp. Apparently, they fully enjoyed their little escapade.
We know how lucky we are that this didn’t end badly. So we embraced the comedy in it.
That afternoon, we all sat around the great room, and I took it in. The kids were snuggled together on the sofa getting along, as they tend to do in rare moments of sweetness with each other. The dogs comatose at our feet, I smiled at Jamin. This past week, was life at its finest: Unpredictable. Sometimes, ugly. But because of the messy parts, we’d experienced the sweet moments in between that we may not have had, otherwise.
Rest, in giving my body time to heal.
Snuggles and a chance to care for sick babies that are growing up all too fast. But are healthy usually, for which we are so grateful.
Joyful reunions with wagging tails, and sobbing children who embraced their wet fur, whole heartedly.
It’s amazing the little things you’ll take for granted, until you realize they’re gone. And we’d been given the gift of appreciating it all. However so unexpectedly. Sometimes, it really is all about perspective.
Maybe this wasn’t the worst spring break ever, after all.
And on the bright side of things, we could have always tossed our cookies on Space Mountain.
So there’s always that.
Anna says
You guys are hysterical. I love it when you share the real! ???? Been there and it’s so good to know we’re not alone.
Adrienne says
He’s totes the pink one. hahahaha. While I’m so sorry your family was ill, it certainly makes for funny/relate-able reading.
Angela says
OMG that is the worst week ever! I’m with you on the why do kids only vom at 2am? Never fails. They are perfectly healthy when you put them to bed and then bam it hits when you are safely sleeping in your own bed. Also, we built a loft bed for our daughter and we have not been so lucky. That thing is a bear to clean, trust me, and imagine having to clean those stairs when the sickness from both ends hit them. Sorry tmi!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HA! It’s never TMI for me. ;}
Ann says
Sorry ya’ll were sick but yes it always happens…never ready for it but it comes. My sons are grown with families of their own now. My oldest son always caught the bug, one time for his birthday when friends stayed over, another time I heard him and he held it until he reached the bathroom. I told him not to ever do that again, I’d clean it up…and of course, I did. My husband would catch it next…thank goodness my youngest son and I never caught it.
Nan, Odessa, DE says
You deserve a vacation NOW with No kids or pets!
Please make me the swimming with mermaid sign 17″ x 20″
Susan says
I never tire of your stories. This actually made me cry at the end! You’re so good at writing! I am sorry for your bad week though, sick kids and missing dogs are the worst. Been there with both.
Kathy says
Wow, you need a break after March break. While I was reading this my heart was pumping faster just to see if fur babies were ok. Thank God. I can imagine all of you lying comfy of the couch, one big happy family!!! Amen to marchbreak’s!!!!
Amanda says
Oh my goodness, what a disaster! I am so glad you got the dogs back – we had a dog run away a couple of years ago and it was just so heartbreaking. I hope everyone is feeling better!
Sue says
Ashley,the spring break was the pits. So glad it’s over,and every loved one is well and safe. But I’m not gonna lie,I laughed my a// off .
Monica says
I feel your pain and am glad all of you are healthy again. My best tip to you to survive the not so fun clean-up is to put Vick`s under your nose. It’s has saved us through many middle of the night experiences we don’t want to relive. I hope you will never again need to put that tip to use!
CeCe Krajcar says
Just love your take on everything! Enough said!
Bonnie says
I hope you are all on the mend and feeling much, much better. Please take care. I’m so glad that you and your puppies were reunited.
Arabesque Scissors says
LOL!! I love turning my puta on a reading your stories :)We’ve got some fun vacation stories too where we DID take it all away with us…but our neighbour takes the cake when her brother’s family came to stay, so 10 people in the house, and her daughter lost it all in the middle of the night with great skill into the power socket next to her bed, and shorted out the whole house, and then they all proceeded to start, so they had to clean up in the dark!!
Anna says
“…wear the voms as a trademark badge.” I’m cracking up reading this post. I’m in the midst of an 18 month old and a newly-turned three year old (both sweet girls) who have dipped in and out of a stomach bug (threw up in the CAR – both of them in the same trip out to dinner), a cold, and coughs the past week and a half. They RARELY get sick, so even though they are toddlers, we’re spoiled a little, too. (Except I didn’t know that survival mode is an era that will, too, pass. That is so encouraging. Even when they aren’t sick, there is still yogurt all over the place during breakfast because even the one year old wants to feed herself. Lots of clean up every time we eat.) So anyway, last night, I just went to bed in my skirt because my pajamas were all in the laundry, and there was “only about a three inch streak of some throw-up that got on the lower side of it” (I actually thought this last night as I fell into bed)… Hmmm. Scary! I just slept in the skirt and changed my clothes in the morning. Yes, I’m admitting this out loud. Yikes!
Anna says
Me again (I’m the previous commenter…) I’ve been catching up on the blog after being behind for a bit, and I just read the tumble post from February. The comments are closed it appears, so I’m tacking on a comment here. Can I just say that I took a tumble a little over a year ago on slick, slime covered, wet wooden front steps in new too-big rubber soled moccasins in front of my mom’s house off of the front deck. I heaved and heaved for a long time while on all fours and crawled up after about 15 minutes (maybe it was actually 30 minutes???!!!!) to the house to the sofa where I continued to huddle in a ball and intermittently tried to walk and was hunched over at the waist. This went on for three hours, so I told my husband that as much as I didn’t want to, I better go to the emergency room. I had a compression fracture in my upper spine and had to wear a brace for 10 weeks. I was so grateful it wasn’t worse. No side effects from the fall after it healed. So grateful.
I’m glad your tumble wasn’t worse, as well! Those stairs look rough! Looking forward to seeing the redo a la blog. 🙂
Susie says
I think I had the same spring break, but all of those explosions came out of one kid and two parents… survival and bleach to all!!!
Rose Lefebvre says
Thankfully they were found safe and in one piece! That is such a blessing!
Erin says
Sorry it was such a tough week, but just think of Disney during spring break. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don’t know which would be more draining. lol
Sharon says
Wow, we are retired now but sure did bring back memories. Here in our small town, if your dogs go missing, you call the police dispatcher and he/she lets the policemen know…and they keep an eye out for them. We have been in the car, screaming and yelling while the dog was just having fun!!
We had 5 children but few times did they throw up. Maybe it was because they played outside in the woods, ate who knows what…but we were lucky with healthy children.
So glad it is over and trust things will go a little better now. Thanks for sharing..it makes you seem like all the rest of us!!!