We’ve been in a place of adjusting. A place of celebration… of just figuring it out.
Leaving something you’ve been a part of for 11.5 years is never easy, so I think we’ve also been in a place of mourning.
I recently started running again, because I remember that in times of my life when I felt my absolute best, was when I ran. I was lying in bed one morning and realized how bad I felt. So after a year and a half, one morning I made a mental choice. I climbed out of bed, and fished out torn shorts that are now an unintentional tribute to our home in splatters of paint. The same sports bra I’ve had since college, and an old t-shirt. There were honest to goodness cobwebs on my running shoes, and I tipped them over to make sure there wasn’t a spider in the other end waiting to punish me and my intrusive toes.
But I put them on anyway.
My running playlist is a little dated, and I’m slowly adding in some new. But to some all-time inspirational cheesy faves and the raspy ballads of Christina Aguilera, I run. And for a month now, I’m a fighter. I put one foot in front of the other. Feet pound the pavement and sweat pools in places I forgot it could pool. There’s a man who lives further down the street who I’ve seen a few mornings now. He looks intimidatingly strong, and he was probably in the military and I’m sure I could never keep up with him. I took it as a challenge, as a motivator. He’s unknowingly become my co sweat-covered running buddy. My mind shuts down while I try to take in enough air.
I focus on feeling alive.
I run to the point of wanting to throw up in the morning Alabama heat, and I love to hate it. The feeling that comes later, the way my body and mind are reacting… I know it’s worth the price, and I remember what it was that I missed so much.
I received a letter a few weeks ago in the mail from a very kind soul at our church. A woman who has always been an example. Someone I really look up to. It was a simple thank you. Thank you for being there to support your husband. Thank you for being alone with your kids when it wasn’t easy. Thank you.
Just thank you.
I did the ugly cry, on the sofa for a while. It was a release. For so long I felt like I wasn’t enough, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t deserve that thank you. I didn’t do enough. I could list all the ways I’ve fallen short. If you’ve ever been in the throes of ministry, if you’ve ever been a part of something that can be amazing because it’s bigger than you and not about you at all, and completely frustrating all at the same time for a million different reasons… a place of trying to be supportive for something that can sometimes be very hard to stand by… then you know it’s not an easy place. So for a while, I’ve been this shrunken person as a metaphorical ball in the corner. Welcome to the pity party in my own personal desert.
But that letter. That one little card with thoughtful words scrawled across it from the heart, it was a real eye opener.
I’ve been doing a little bit of an unintentional experiment lately. Unintentional, because I’m not sure I meant for it to happen, but I’ve found myself in places at various times for it to happen. I decided to start doing things for people. I know it sounds silly, trite, and shame on me for not doing it all along. I wouldn’t say I’ve been completely selfish, but I’ve just shut it down. I think we all have times in our lives where we do what’s necessary in an effort to make it through. And sometimes, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But I’ve started focusing on things that are a little unexpected. It hasn’t been easy. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. I feel like I’m starting to wake up again.
The kids and I passed a man on the street yesterday in our car. He had a sign, saying he was homeless, and that anything helped. He also had a dog on a leash. It was hot. One million degrees, sticky summer hot. I didn’t have any cash, so I did something I never do, because I’m always afraid. I realize you need to be careful but this was different, and I just knew. The kids and I ran by a fast food restaurant, and picked up a few things. It didn’t take much, and I don’t say it to toot my horn because it wasn’t easy. It was completely out of my comfort zone, and I can always do more. But the bottom line was that I don’t know his situation. When we came back, he was sitting on the sidewalk, so with the doors locked, since I was alone, I rolled the window down.
Some will say it was dangerously stupid. Some will say I didn’t do enough. But I handed him the items, while my four year old quietly questioned in the back why he didn’t have any teeth, and my eight year old shushed him. The man asked me when I would be his future ex wife. He was blind in one eye. He said thank you many times, and it honestly made me feel worse for not doing more. Afterwards, the kids and I had a long talk about what people have and don’t. It brought a smile to his face, and it was awkward, but it also felt good to push myself to do something that was different. Something beyond giving money to a cause, something beyond organized group events. Something that truly made me uncomfortable and nervous for all the right reasons, and also, probably had an impact on our kids.
Something small, but something that mattered.
Little things, one at a time. Opportunities that are suddenly there that I didn’t see before. They’re revealing themselves, and I’ve felt an urge to respond to them. Like a stirring that I’ve ignored for a long time.
I’ve started paying attention again. Because of that, I’m experiencing an unexpected return:
I’m starting to heal.
I was five minutes into my run this morning. I didn’t want to. But I put on those shoes, and I went again. I was already sweating, and this time, Demi Lovato was singing something in my ear about breakups and stars and moons. For some reason cheesy girl anthems motivate me, so it is what it is. Either way, I like that I keep it loud enough to drown out the embarrassing sounds of my own ragged breaths. I passed a lady who was older than me and gave a quick wave. I wanted to give up, and felt myself regretting my choice. I’m pretty sure those cobwebbed shoes felt a bit heavier than usual. When I came back around, she was standing there, doing something completely unexpected.
She was cheering me on.
This woman, who I’ve never seen or met before. With her sun visor, arms waving, a thumbs up and a smiling face. I couldn’t hear all of what she said, and it was only for a brief second. But she was literally coaching me with an encouraging word: “Don’t give up! You keep going girl! DO this!”
Sometimes we get so caught up in our bubbles and our lives and our own issues that we forget why we’re here. We miss what’s been right in front of us, perhaps all along. How many opportunities like a sweet letter or a stranger on the street or just the opportunity to pay a genuine compliment, have I missed because I was distracted by fear or fill-in-the-blank here? Because I was caught up in my own “suffering” and issues? Because I was insecure?
The irony of it all? A way to recover, the ultimate way to grow, is in forgetting yourself. And paying attention to the chances that are right in front of us. They’re little opportunities to help others.
That sweet lady has no idea the amount of encouragement, and a reminder she was this morning. A symbol of what I want to aspire to be. Of what I’m determined to be.
Don’t give up. DO this.
And in the meantime, ragged breaths, imperfections and all… one step in front of the other… I’ll keep pushing.
Beyond those comfort zones.
Fara says
I just heart you so much! I love your adventure and DIY posts, but these posts from the heart are my favorite. I am not a spiritual or religious person, but I believe we all have a purpose. Some take longer to find their purpose than others, but every thing comes at its own time. Thank you for sharing, for being real, and for encouraging.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Fara!
Beth M. says
Love this! Encouraging and inspiring. I was out there running with you this morning except I was in Franklin, but I was was listening to the same cheesy Playlist, I’m sure. đ
ashley @ the handmade home says
Yay for Franklin! and running ;}
JT says
Thank you. I just love your honesty.
Brenda says
Thank you. I so needed this today.
Angela R says
I love you posts where you write what you’re feeling! You are a very good and honest writer and I love reading these posts. I finally started taking a core training class, and boy am I out of shape! I am so sore and I want to be lazy, but at the same time I love it. I have hated my body for the past 5 years and that is my fault and no one else’s. So here is a big high five for positive changes (even if they kinda suck lol).
Lee Ann Overman says
I am a card sender. I send out a lot of cards! My theory is, if I think or wonder about someone, they should know it. I always have cards and stamps. Some weeks I go to the post office everyday. I also put a little pinch of confetti in each card. So many people say, I found confetti a month later in my car, or in my front hallâŚand it made me remember the card that you sent me. I have a 90 year old neighbor who goes to Florida for the winter, in the summer he comes back to the lake here in northern Wisconsin. He holds my hand, and with tears in his eyes he tells me how special those cards and notes are. He tells me how when he was young people wrote letters, and how nice that was. Little things can make a huge impact.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Very true!
Lisa Press says
Thank you!! This blog post truly resonated with me. Maybe it appeared in my life at just the right time. Or maybe because it was extremely well written and came from such deep thinking. Anyway, thank you and best of luck with your running. It has kept me anchored most of my life.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you for your sweet words, Lisa. I love what you said about it anchoring you. That’s a good reminder.
Julie says
Wow…I so needed to read this….thank you for sharing your heart….
Rebecca says
Just wanted to say thank you for this post. It is EXACTLY what I needed to hear this morning. Sometimes the little things and the little struggles and victories go a long way to healing us as a whole. Thank you.
Courtney Madden says
Wow. This was extremely inspiring and I’m tearing up a bit. I remember one time my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I were shopping for Christmas gifts, but we had taken two different cars. Leaving the mall, I saw a homeless man near the exit and decided to gift him $10 and a few pairs of jeans I had in the trunk that were meant for my hubby as a gift. I don’t know what spurred me to do it, but he was overwhelmed with gratitude, and it was no loss because we had so much. Later that evening, my husband told me that he had seen a homeless man and had given him a gift that was intended for me, and that he had offered cash to the man also but the man said “I have been so blessed today. Thank you for your kindness. Keep your money and use it to pay it forward.” We both helped the same man that day and he helped us, too.
ashley @ the handmade home says
That’s amazing, Courtney! I LOVE that.
Jeanne says
I bought a pair of running shoes last week at Dicks because they were cool and on sale. I don’t run. But… like you, I feel like I have been struggling lately and I can’t put my finger on it yet. I think partly because I’ve experienced some change at work, which is exhilarating and scary at the same time. My 3rd baby will be 1 later this month and she’s been weaned and my body is once again my own after a few painful weeks. It’s summer and I’m feeling guilty that I have to work and cannot spend the day playing with my girls. I keep finding “the ugly” in my house instead of the beautiful imperfect mess that it is in reality. I know this fog will lift. It has to. And in the meantime, I will echo the words of the woman who was cheering you on, You GO Girl! You are not running away from anything, you are running toward something that is bigger than you. You go girl.
Sarah says
Absolutely needed to read this!!! I’ve been feeling this push in my own life.
Erika says
Congrats to you! Running definitely freed me after I had my first child! It is such a good metaphor for life, too! Sometimes you gotta push through the tough stuff to get to the goal, a lot of mind over matter. But when you reach it you realize how the hard work paid off!
Kelly Goldman says
Maybe it’s the hormones, but I totally teared up when you mentioned the old lady cheering you on. I had to stop reading for a bit. đ Grace and Hope and healing comes unexpectedly, no?
ashley @ the handmade home says
I cried a little when I wrote it, so maybe that makes me feel better. ;}
Angela says
It is crazy that you wrote about this in your post today, just this morning I felt the need to pray for a servants heart. At first I thought it was a laziness issue, then I remembered with a 1yr old running around the house I don’t really have time to be lazy đ Then I thought maybe I’m just selfish and don’t want to serve, which made me feel worse than thinking I was just lazy. But really after reading your post I agree that it is more of a comfort zone issue, I feel awkward putting myself out there with people that I don’t know, or in places I’m not familiar with. So thank you for such an inspirational post on breaking out of those cozy comfort zones, it was just the message I needed to read today!
Jeanne says
Thank you Ashley. I will pass it on as I push on.
Kyla F says
I love this Ashley! Thank you so much for sharing such encouraging words đ
Mindy says
Oh that crazy bubble we try to live inside – all the while real life is happening just outside it. Beautiful verse from Proverbs and such truth. It might be easy to stay in my comfort zone (and I often do…) but it always feels so freeing, so mean-to-be when I step just outside. And when I do it is easier to go further the next time. Thank you for your words here today.
Anna, Sydney says
I don’t know why, but this made me cry.
ashley @ the handmade home says
I cried when I wrote it, so you’re not alone. ;} Hugs, Anna!
julianna says
well, you just have no idea how encouraging this little post is.
thank you.
Renee says
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I so needed to hear that. It’s too easy for me to get self-focused on me and my family and my life and my situations. But focusing on others brings such peace, love, clarity, and joy. Thanks for the reminder!
Brittany says
Thanks for sharing! Needed to read this!
Kristie says
What a wonderful message. I am still fairly new to viewing this website (The Handmade Home) bu it has quickly become a favorite place to get excellent ideas and now a favorite place for inspiration in my walk with Christ.
Thank you for your transparency. God bless you.
Teresa says
Thank you so much for this post! You continue to encourage and inspire me. Way to get up and just do it! I am going to also! I have been really stressed about upcoming travel for work and I need something to calm my nerves, clear my mind and give me a little extra time with the Lord. Thanks again đ You rock!
Jamie says
Thank you for this. This… Is why I read your blog. This is real life, and you have no idea how much I needed this today.
Thanks for being you! (And for getting me to think about running, even though I’m 32 weeks and should probably just walk until I have this baby!)
Christie says
Loved and needed this – thanks.
Cristin says
You are such a talented writer, Ashley. Clearly you touched so many people with this post. I loved reading every word of it! And I had a couple of friends tell me how much they loved reading it too. Keep on inspiring others, sister!
April says
Oh I love this!!!!! We just moved to Alabama… a tiny town just South of Birmingham. Instead of Starbucks, there are horses and cows… Instead of Chick fil A there’s a Mc Donald’s… Things are different here from what we were used to before. I am a runner … but haven’t in a while. I relate to every word you said in this post. I felt best when I was running. I’ve been down lately… I find myself making excuses to stay inside and not get out… it’s winter, … but I need to run!!! Need to!!! Thanks for the encouragement. Glad I stumbled upon this today. Spring is just around the corner! Yay… the perfect time to start running…