{All photos here by the talented light by iris photography. See more color photos from our session here}
How are you? I never know how to answer this question anymore. At this point, when we ask someone how they’re doing… can anyone really give a concise answer? This year has been so hard. I think we’ve acknowledged that here with our lighthearted posts.
I tend to deal with all this in humor and other variously inappropriate coping mechanisms like eating my feelings. I’m working on all my imperfections just like everyone else. {Btw, I see nothing wrong with the humor part.} In a way, 2020 has risen to the challenge of making me grow in ways that I never imagined.
One of the hardest things, for me, has been the people part in all this. I’m sure many of you can relate. Let me start by saying that I get it. We’re all coping in the best way that we can. I’m not looking for world peace. But I’ve seen a lot of unnecessary aggression and projecting with blanket statements lately. There’s a lot of hiding behind computer screens with harsh words from people I know in real life. The internet feels like a big gross nightmare right now. Frankly, it’s heartbreaking.
We can say this is an election year. That’s why. But a lot of what I’m seeing, is an integrity issue.
There’s a particularly toxic message that has become popular to spread, because it makes the person spreading it, feel better. To label someone as ‘fearful’, because they’re being cautious, or to assume they’re ‘not living their lives’, because they’re choosing to be thoughtful of others, or to say that ‘this is someone else’s problem’, with zero regard for anyone else… has floored me.
That’s assumptive. It’s choosing to label others from an aggressive stance. It’s also just another protective mechanism for people. They’re fed up. Angry that they’ve lost business. Feeling desperate. At the root of it all, they’re afraid of losing the things they’ve worked so hard for.
I get it. We all are.
But let’s just take a moment to appreciate the irony in calling people out over our own insecurities. It all comes from the same place.
I’ve had to reframe my view of a lot of things, to help me process and get to the core of the why when I see people behaving this way. I want to understand from empathy, when others react. They’re projecting in anger. It helps me to take a moment. Instead of thinking less of them, or knocking them down a peg, I have to remind myself everyone is struggling.
Even if we emphatically disagree.
Navigating this year has been especially hard, if you suffer from anxiety. If you’re not familiar with anxiety, it’s actually very different than fear.
It’s barely functioning through the day in a way that people who aren’t familiar with it, just can’t comprehend.
It’s struggling to breathe through a situation because your body is firing off tiny bombs on the inside at every single level imaginable, while you look put together on the outside.
The physical reaction is similar to fear, but the issue behind it is actually very different.
We all have our struggles and shortcomings. This is my daily battle. As a result, I’ve found myself recoiling and insulating in the best way that I know how, just to continue moving forward. Just to accomplish basic things like functioning in every day life. It’s to keep our family healthy and our business responsibly afloat.
That does not mean I’m ‘brainwashed’.
It does NOT make me ‘fearful’.
A friend of mine eloquently said, we’ve got to stop using the word ‘fear’ as a weapon against others.
It makes me so sad to see labels thrown around as if this makes anyone feel better. It’s divisive and mean spirited. This accomplishes nothing.
I’m dealing with this in the best way that I know how, just like everyone else. Even if it looks a little different than Becky down the street. When you struggle with anxiety on top of all of this, when every single decision weighs you down and wears you out, it’s because you’re still fighting to live life in the best way you know how.
And it can feel really isolating.
Hurtful blanket statements aren’t helpful to anyone, and it fuels a toxic culture of hate. It only makes it worse. I haven’t felt this alone in a very long time.
I’m so sad.
I was at my wit’s end, feeling emotionally spent and on edge last week, when someone did me a greater kindness than she probably even realized, at the time. We don’t know each other that well, but I know that she’s a genuine person. Her single act of kindness took me off guard. It was subtle and humbling. Her actions brought me to tears. Afterwards, I thanked her. I confessed that I’m really struggling with anxiety right now, and she looked me dead in the eye and replied, “I get it.”
I was seen in that moment.
For the first time in a while, I wasn’t judged for being who I am, or my own struggles.
That single moment was so important to me, because kindness is so incredibly rare right now. It was a moment of no longer feeling alone. To be such a gift in times like these, a light to people who really need it, is the embodiment of love.
That single act, really caused a shift in my perspective.
It doesn’t matter where we stand. It doesn’t matter how we disagree. Our world needs love and kindness right now, more than ever. Less hateful statements of judgement, and more support for those who are really struggling.
I’ve spent so much of this year worrying. Planning. Trying to control the uncontrollable. It’s tough to cope when those plates we’ve been spinning so precariously in the air come crashing down, one by one. Looking back, while this year of uncertainty is not something I’d choose, it’s not entirely bad.
Because control is just an illusion, anyway. Keeping that illusion is downright exhausting.
So I’ve started to change the way I view everything. Instead of what and when and how, and all that worrying, it’s one day at a time. Instead of living in reaction, it’s intentionally focusing on the present and living in the now. It’s cultivating a life of gratefulness beyond 2020 and our current circumstances.
This year I find myself letting go of the things that I can’t control. Letting go of hurtful things. I’m clinging to gratefulness in the present moment, because that’s all I have.
I’m seeking out the every day, that we take for granted. I’m grateful for the air I’m breathing. For the beautiful yellow leaves right outside my window that glow in the sunrise each morning. For my healthy body that moves. For my family and laughter that echoes through our house. For my amazingly resilient kiddos. For celebrating the little things with real friends. I’m grateful for our business and how far we’ve come. I’m grateful for genuine conversations. I’m grateful for people who have taught me hard lessons. I’m grateful for the difficult.
Life is hard. Especially this year.
I’m growing through it.
In the upcoming weeks, I’m hoping this serves as a simple reminder to show a little love, even when it’s really hard. Even when that person probably doesn’t ‘deserve it’. Show love to the people with whom you disagree. Look for ways to pay it forward with kindness. A little consideration and empathy can influence others and transform our own lives, even when it’s not easy.
We don’t know what people are really struggling with behind the scenes. It can be harder than you imagine. A simple compliment. A kind word, a thoughtful moment can reach further than any of us can possibly realize.
I’m looking for ways to show kindness and grace, one lovely act at a time. I truly hope you are, too. Our future generations depend on this.
Just know you’re not alone.
I’m clinging to gratefulness. One day at a time.
Penny says
Thank you so much for this post. It’s so easy to be consumed with our own struggles and forget others around are struggling too. Here’s to a new week and new opportunities to show love and kindness everywhere I go!
P.S. Your post never fail to inspire and often make me laugh. Keep up the good work!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much for your kind words, Penny. Here’s absolutely to a new week. Cheers, friend.
Ashley@AttemptsAtDomestication says
I feel this way too! This has been such an isolating and frustrating time. It’s hard not to project feelings on to others, and to feel like you’re constantly justifying your own decisions. Hugs to you!
ashley @ the handmade home says
It’s absolutely exhausting. You are not alone. My only hope in writing this is to show people that they’re not alone. HUGS friend and thank you for stopping by today.
sunday Joy haas says
Wow it was surprising and a revelation that someone “famous” can feel alone too. I often feel isolated and alone but assumed it was because I’m a “nobody”. Thank you for being honest and sharing your truth…it has impacted me in such a great way.
You are loved.
ashley @ the handmade home says
First of all, you sweet, sweet soul. I just ran to my computer when I saw this comment because you are not “nobody”! I know what you meant by that but I felt the need to say this. And you are SO not alone. I am here. I feel your words in my core and you are also VERY loved. Thank you for saying something today. Please know you are not alone. Not one bit.
Audrey says
Thanks for this. I live in a pretty progressive state, and I still feel like those around me are “returning to normal” and I’m the odd one out. It makes me really resentful to see other people’s children doing things like sleepovers when my kids are towing the line. And it’s really exhausting to constantly be the vigilant one. That’s all.
ashley @ the handmade home says
I feel every bit of this statement. I live in a not progressive state and I’m honestly torn about many things. But it’s been VERY difficult. It’s exhausting and you’re not alone.
Kathy says
Thank you for your openness. It’s nice to read I’m not alone.
ashley @ the handmade home says
You’re definitely not, Kathy. It’s so hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced any of this. Hugs to you!
Melinda says
We lost a family to COVID which made us take it seriously from the beginning. My parents and mother-in-law are high risk and we don’t want to take a chance on possibly brining it to them. Our daughter and son-in-law are pregnant with grandbaby #2 which puts them high risk. So we mask up when we are out (and are out less) and social distance. It has meant some hard no’s. It means whispers from family who feel differently. The loudness of the opposite on Facebook has caused me to rarely be on there. Instagram is safer but can be pretty political. The online “shouting” from those I care about (and still do) is hurtful. I have to try hard to put myself in their shoes on the virus and politics and why they might feel angry. Being present each day and focusing on what I am grateful for, feeling confident in my feelings on the virus and who I voted for, (and my faith that God is in control not me…although I still try…) is a saving grace right now. I appreciate your honesty and encouragement.
ashley @ the handmade home says
I couldn’t agree more with all of this. It’s the online shouting from others – the harsh words that have made this even harder. Hugs and thinking of you.
Julie Stark-John says
I struggle every day and reading this post made me realize I am not alone, thank you so much for saying everything you did, I truly appreciate it.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe, thank you so much for dropping by and letting us know, Julie. It’s so good to know we’re not alone. Sending all the good vibes and virtual hugs your way. I hope you have an amazing week.
Annie Kimble says
Dear Ashley, I feel like we’re friends (but not in a weird stalker way). I related so much to this post, it felt so good to read in words so many of the emotions I’ve had a hard time articulating. I am grateful for you, this post is a kindness to so many of us that read it. I feel so much “polarization” between family and friends and co workers and church members – but I can be kind. I can do that. Thank you for talking me off the ledge (figuratively of course).
ROSE LEFEBVRE says
I have an eating disorder called ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) which is aggravated by stress. During this rule under trump and covid, my stress is horrible. I am just blessed to have Randy in my life to give me smiles and love me. I could not survive it all without him. I am usually enjoying life, seeing friends and feeling good. But his year has been especially trying for us all. My friends and family miss seeing each other and being together. Many are losing so much, not just closeness of others, but homes and all they achieved. It is saddening and maddening. My mother tells me, “you cannot save the world, Rose.” Oh but I wish I could.
B says
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thank you for stopping by. We’re not alone.
Jen says
Thank you so much for your honesty. I truly identify with all of this. Every day we need to show up for our kids, our spouse, our jobs, our friends, our family, and so many others. And we feel stretched thin, trying to balance keeping people safe with needing to connect in a meaningful way. Aging parents who are truly isolated by virtue of their age and health complications who are facing the realization that they might miss out on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas and those of us who realize time is short with them and this is not how we want to spend our last days, months, years with them–hugging through cyberspace. We have lost loved ones to Covid, we have had two virtual graduations, I work in the school system, my husband is a minister. Everyone has an opinion and we just want to make it to tomorrow with our sanity intact and our loved ones safe. I don’t want to be judged for my decisions, I don’t want to judge others for theirs. Let’s all just do our best, look out for one another, and hold each other up.