We celebrate the boys’ birthdays this week with a party for both. We’re going the easy-peasy, glow-in-the-dark bouncy party route because I seem to fluctuate between have-a-freak-session-over-the-top-party-prep, and I’m-really-exhausted-so-let’s-just-do-something-brilliantly-easy-and-call-it-a-day-kind-of-hurrah. It’s my creative side meets practicality. I probably have some kind of a parenting personality disorder, and I’m pretty sure someone would call DHR if they saw me and the way I stumble around in the mornings sans coffee, throwing sugar-infused cereal like it’s chicken feed in stark contrast to the others I’m up with a farmer’s wife kinda homemade goodness… but digression + moderation = the rest of this post.
Both boys have their birthday a month apart, both boys agreed, and both parents are kind of tired from a crazy summer. So we’ve decided to ride this cash cow to the bank in a Mills Brothers Bouncy Extravaganza.
I was doing a little party prep, and there’s something about those candles… the ones that come in the number that your child is turning. Our kids love those tie-dyed grocery store ones. (We’re totally not candle snobs.) When I grabbed that little number… the number eight… that realization was a jolt. Like a literal electric shock, it hurt a little.
Parenthood. It’s a bitter sweet roller coaster of soul-trials. It’s moments of absolute triumphs mixed in with a lot of heart ache. It’s forever the hardest thing I will ever do, and it has altered my outlook on everything for the rest of my life.
Who knew I could get so excited over the single act of my youngest child actually using the potty {even though we’ve already played this gig two other times} or watching the news and experiencing heartache because another mom somewhere, is forever altered by the loss of a child. I never knew the animalistic, fierce side that resided within a previous people pleaser version of me, until someone bullied my four year old at preschool. {See Jamin, holding me back in metaphorical linebacker style} And for some reason, every year as my children turn older it’s a little bit harder. Isn’t that our natural instinct, as caregivers and mothers? As parents?
But this one was different, and that candle… it made me downright sad. I’m not stellar at math, but I feel like he was just born. I was just gasping for breath in that hospital room, taking that screaming infant boy into my arms.
Blink. I have five more years, and he’s a teenager.
After this, my life is over.
This was my actual thought process. I was astounded by how absolutely ridiculous I sounded, and I realized in that moment that I’ve been living my life in fear. A helicopter-hovering, fear-filled, anxiety riddled parental unit.
This isn’t easy to admit, but I have been afraid, from the moment I knew I was carrying my children. From their births, to where we are now, I often obsess… Am I even doing this right?
I am a control freak rule follower. {Insert not-so-big-surprise, here.} I’m working on it. But I think that in our culture, as parents, we’re taught to obsess over everything.
Like any mom, as any parent, I want to be enough. I am striving to give and do and be the best that my children need me to be. I worry too much and I dwell in excess. And sometimes, I’m leaning a little too much on my own understanding.
In the grocery store. In Target. In the parking lot. At church. On Facebook. We’re told that “we will miss this” or to “get ready” or “insert-phrase-that-tells-us-we-don’t-know-what’s-coming-because-it’s-impossibly-hard-here”… constantly.
Often, it’s a well-meaning message sent to others, from those that have walked before us, in a grand gesture of camaraderie. And often, it’s not so well-meant. Sometimes, you can sense the regret in those passing statements from others.
I feel that our generation has been taught to fear our children growing older. To dread it. I believe it does more harm than good, when parents in the midst of trying to do the best that they can, are overly-saturated with these words. It scares me.
Yes, our children grow older.
I think we should embrace it.
I obsess a little much over what my children will need therapy for, and what I’m doing wrong. I worry all the time about the food that I’m feeding them, and I stress over what we’re doing and who we’re around. How I can protect them more, and what I can do better. Don’t misunderstand me. These are all good things.
This is my job, until I let beating myself up and focusing on fear get in the way of actually enjoying their childhood.
We’re all doing something wrong. We’re all fractured, broken, and a little imperfect in different ways.
Maybe instead of constantly struggling with guilt, maybe instead of dreading the future and the unknown and stressing over things like not being present enough… I should just be present.
I’m constantly reminded that I have a heavenly father who absolutely loves my children more than I can ever fathom. And they’re ultimately his. Not mine.
His.
For some reason, this is so hard for me to accept.
So I should embrace joy. The oh so appealing alternative to fear and regret.
I’m not a bragger, but all three of my children are bright, loving, hilarious, caring, beautiful beings. And while it feels like a ton of work, and that I’m always letting the perfectionist in me down, I deserve zero credit for that. I’ve had nothing, if very little, to do with this.
I adore the conversations I have with eight-year-old version of Aiden. He’s so super inquisitive with deep caring thoughts that I couldn’t enjoy at the age of four. I loved him at four, but I also love him now. And my four year old Malone is absolutely hilarious. While I do miss him lying peacefully on my shoulder as an infant after I fed him, it just can’t be that way forever. He is a comedian and I get to enjoy the person that he’s becoming. And the truth of the matter is, that the five year old version of Emerson, is just a lot more fun and downright bearable than the screaming, colicky infant she once was. I look forward to those bigger conversations and I love listening to her as she grows in her perspectives. It’s life and we continue as parents to guide them on this journey and cultivate relationships with our children.
There will be head-butting, tears and struggles and heartaches. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
No, I will not be afraid.
It only gets better.
So maybe I’ll beat myself up a little less. And embrace, no, rejoice in the fact that each year, my children are getting older.
They’re alive, and thriving.
And as a parent, I will too.
Be fearlessly present.
Lindsay @ Makely says
Oh, Ash. Here I am crying this morning. I’m so with you in this. SO with you.
When I feel sad about my kids growing up, my mom always says, “They have to, Lindsay. You wouldn’t want the alternative.” She’s quite right. I’m so lucky to get to be with my kids and see them grow up. As you pointed out, lots of other moms don’t get this chance.
My oldest is turning 8 in a few months and my “baby” will be 3 next week. I love the conversations I have with my oldest – this is a great age. But, I still have a love/hate relationship with 3. Like her brother was at that age, Emma can be sweet as pie or behave like a little terrorist…and she can flip it on and off in an instant. Gah!
Thanks for this post and happy birthday to your boys! XOXO
ashley @ the handmade home says
I am with you, girl. ;} Love ya, friend!!!
Mel says
I just love your sweet words hear. So important to always remember to be present.
I have a question about your kiddos……I have an 18-month-old boy, and I’m 20 weeks pregnant. I was hoping for a boy just so they could be best buds. But I’m having a little girl. Since I’ve always wanted three kids, I’m hoping that #3 will be a boy (probably because I’m a middle girl with two brothers). But my question for you is do you feel like your boys are close to each other, even though they’re four years apart? Or are your daughter and youngest son much closer? Are your oldest son and daughter close?
I know I have no say in God’s beautiful creation, but my mama heart wants my littles to be close.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Hey! Congratulations! Actually, all three are best friends. Aiden and Emmy are 2.5 years apart, + Emerson + Malone are 18 months apart. They fight, like any kids but they do love each other. There’s nothing sweeter. And my boys are actually very close – which is funny since they are four years apart. ;} (Malone was our little surprise) They get along great! ;}
Jenna says
This post is so great. Parenthood is a struggle, and I really do get what you are saying. I have been there, in the Target parking lot, doing my best with that screaming 8 month old, when someone says “enjoy it!” I am enjoying it, but I could do without the side of guilt that I feel. It is so hard to watch them grow up. You are doing a good thing, mama. Thank you for your honesty!
melissa gray says
So true! My baby girl turns 6 in a month! WAAAAHHHH!!!! I hate that my kids are growing up, but it is also so amazingly beautiful to watch. Plus, I am an over-picture-taker so I can at least look at all our memories through instagram:)
Lynsey says
Oh Ashley, wow, just wow! I felt like I was reading about myself this morning. Sending my son off to middle school today has been tough, and my middle child to third grade. It’s so hard to see them grow up but I love your perspective! I need to live in the moment more. Love the post!
Sarah Royal says
This is just what I needed as we start Kindergarten next week. I remember my Grandma telling me she would be getting on that school bus in no time. In….a….blink.
My daughter turns SIX in seven days, and I, the Mother who sometimes spends a month obsessing over her party, has NOTHING planned. I told my husband last night that I have party-related-multiple-personality-disorder. Some years, it’s an almost magazine, or at least scrapbook (as if I scrapbook!) worthy blow-out. Some years we throw a candle on a cupcake and call it good, and generally we do that seventeen times with multiple different groups of people to make up for an actual party.
Thanks for the reminders and encouragement!
Sarah
Heidi says
Lovely post-so much of what’s been I’ve been reflecting on. We’ve just started college trips with our daughter. She’ll be 15 1/2 next week-and I’m taking her to (hopefully) get her learner’s permit. What the heck-I was just pregnant with her! How can she be about to drive, and thinking about college? I loved her baby times-I’ve had 3 boys since, and it’s all been a happy, crazy blur-but I remember my first born and my time with her at the beginning so clearly. I LOVED it. But you know what-last night she and I snuggled up on the couch and watched “Room with a View”, and we talked about what anglophiles we are. That was truly just as wonderful as cuddling with her as an infant. And all that worrying about what they’re eating as toddlers/sleep schedules/homework battles-it all works itself out. You’re right-the most important thing we can do as parents is be present, and enjoy the moment.
Centsational Girl says
Beautifully written today! I share your sentiments, it’s all a whirling flash of crazy love that flies by at the speed of light. But I love that you intend to be present for it all!
xo
Kate
Jessica kent says
I needed this today. I had an ugly cry last night while reading a parenting book on the thought of my 17 month old and one on the way actually growing up and reaching the teenage years i was reading about. It could have been slightly pregnancy hormone induced but my heart literally hurt at the thought but at the same time, isn’t this what I want? And then i swore i wouldnt check my phone once in front of him today bc its just flying by and broke that by 9 am. Thanks for your words today š
Mary says
What a wonderful essay! As a 50 year old about to become a grandmother I heard my own thoughts, worries, and delights. It made me realize that this essay would be so lovely to share with my daughter, soon to be mother. Thank you for putting it eloquently!
-Mary
jen says
Well said and thank you! Our youngest just turned a year old and it feels like I’m finally able to take a DEEP breath as we’re entering that really ‘fun’ stage with our four kiddos. These little/infant years involve so much ‘sowing’… now we’re starting to see and enjoy the harvest and it is GOOD. Here’s to thriving!
Kristina says
Beautiful post. š “I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart.”
Laree @ Ever Heard Of Euless says
Wonderfully written.
Along with this idea . . . I grew up KNOWING that my parents enjoyed me more and more each year. I constantly heard them saying things like “I hate it when people call it ‘terrible twos’. It’s TERRIFIC TWOS”, or “having 4 teenage girls is a joy, not a burden. I love being able to converse with my daughters now.”
Think of the difference of that and what you usually here. I knew my parents wanted to be around me. I knew they expected me to act appropriately so everyone ELSE would also want to be around me. We didn’t have moody teenagers because we were expected to be pleasant.
I don’t expect my kids to be perfect, but I do expect them to grow and change. And yes, my three year old screams with the best of them (constantly too!). But I look and that sparkle in her eyes, and celebrate the little things – like the fact that she is finally understanding us (she has a severe communication delay)
Or the inventiveness of my 8 year old. Yes, today she started acting like a moody teenager. But look at just how much she’s grown.
Every day, all 4 of my kids are a joy. Sometimes you have to dig under the unpleasantness to see it, but it IS there!
Susan Krauss says
Oh, Ashley! This was such a beautifully written homage to your family!
Francine says
Love this – your words couldn’t have come at a better time. My son (only child, at least for now) starts kindergarten next week and although I’m excited I’ve also had a bunch of weird, completely unexpected feelings swirling around. Rarely do I feel sad about him getting older because I’ve truly loved every stage he’s gone through and I really try to be present but there’s still that anxiety I feel. Never did I imagine I’d feel so incredibly anxious about this next step, elementary school. But he’s leaving this small, safe private preschool world and heading to a school with (gasp!) older kids! He’ll be exposed to so much more and I worry. I worry that my sweet, loving, caring, sensitive, enthusiastic child could face a variety of different scenarios. You know… Life. š I feel like the last few weeks I’ve had to constantly remind myself of that. This is life. Things change, things are out of my control, and somehow everything always turns out right. God has the perfect plan for us and I have to trust in him instead of get carried away and all worked up. Thank you so much for these amazing words. I want to be a fearless parent!
Angela R says
Amen Sista! I feel bi-polar sometimes as a parent. I fear the growing older, but I’m kinda over the newborn stuff. I really feel done with having two kids, but it makes me sick that the being pregnant and having little babies part of my life is probably done (you never know God’s plans).
I feel like we have this constant pressure to give our kids everything, and my husband and I are blessed to be able to give them most things, but I also want them to know what its like to have to do without. My husband and I both grew up with parents who struggled financially and I think it made stronger people who know the real value of things. I want my kids to appreciate the fact that we have to work really hard for the things we have and that sometimes that toy isn’t really worth the hard earned money, and they will be ok without it.
Suzie says
How I needed this today. My oldest boy (17) starts his senior year in a few short weeks and the youngest is eight. I too feel nostalgic over those ridiculous number candles! Time did fly, IS flying…we thought we’d have this last summer before his senior year “together” and then he earned wonderful opportunities to be away at some programs for five precious summertime weeks. So yes…I am trying to be present every chance I get. Because the “8” will be an “18” before I know it! I’m still working on the “fearlessly” part of it…
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=703896859624187&l=fdce41cd5b
ashley @ the handmade home says
PRECIOUS, Suzie!
Marie says
Absolutely beautiful post! Thank you – I definitely needed to hear this today. š
Moriah says
What a great post! Thank you for this. I am so much the same as you in many ways. Lately I too have been thinking “I am so excited about who my little ones will be.” Yes, I loved them as babies, but I don’t want to be sad that they are growing up. I want to be happy and excited and try to not be so fearful that I may be “doing it wrong.” I probably am in some ways, but in other ways I am doing okay too. Thank you (as the tears are flowing)!
Nancy says
I remember having those feelings. I believe our heart changes with their growing older though. It’s never as hard as I thought it’d be, when new seasons come. God gives just the right amount of space in between. Kind of like the seasons of the year.
Laura @ Finding Home says
Love this so much. And I totally agree. I love watching them become the people they are going to be and are – even through the hard stages. Some days we face things where I put so much pressure on myself to “handle it right”. One step at a time is perfect!
Amanda says
Incredible, powerful, beautiful words. I will join you and be fearlessly present with my kids, too.
Lynsey says
Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way;) Great reminder to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow….
Sarah says
Thanks for my morning cry! Its a panicky feeling, isn’t it, that they are getting older and changing and will never be the same again- and mine are only 2.5 and 15 months! Beautifully written, Ashley. You’re absolutely right. What a privilege to witness the unfolding of an amazing human being. Thanks also for the perspective.
Sarah
ps- I think you might have a little more to do with how wonderful they are than you think.
Brittany says
This is so true. My oldest just turned six, and for some reason all I could think was, “She is over HALF A DECADE old!” Like you, I remembered those hours of labor, the thrill of holding her for the first time, the trials of potty-training, and the joys of watching her become Eden: the individual. No longer the little girl that is just ‘my daughter,’ she is Eden, the beautiful, smart, reads-like-nobody’s-business, caring little lady. I hear ya, Mama. Thanks for sharing š
Erin @ Blue-Eyed Bride says
Oh mercy. I love this so much. I’m just sitting here crying because I have a 4 year old and that feels SO old! But I know it’s not. I know I do have so much time to enjoy it! But I’m not going to let a single day go by when I don’t soak up the best of him! (And his wild 2 year old brother.) love this post!
Meredith says
Your post resonates deeply with me, so thank you for it. It reminds me that to be afraid is a choice not an absolute. It also makes me think, “What would it have felt like if my own parents were afraid?” The answer to that is obvious: Days might have been filled with doting, nagging, verbalizing paranoias, etc. Yuck. That’s no fun. It’s no fun and it the kids would tune me out. If fear is the opposite of trust, then I’m going to make a conscious effort to trust instead…or at least try really hard to trust!
Kara Creel says
I love this Ashley! Such great thoughts.
Allison says
Thank you Ashley, these expressions you write are very real & something I’ve been feeling too, especially as my two boys turn 12 & 10 this year. I’ve been feeling guilty that I’m not engaged enough & next week my boys is entering middle school. I keep saying to myself “I have 5-6 yrs left”. I want to do it right & not miss anything but as you said “we all have something imperfect about us”! Blessings to you & all the other mom’s out there. Let’s be present & thankful!
Kristen Honeycutt says
I have subscribed to your blog for a while, and love seeing your posts in my inbox, but this one brought me to tears (good tears!) and I had to comment. You are *such* a beautiful writer, and while reading your posts I so often feel like you took the words straight from my heart. What a gift you have- thank you so much for sharing it with us. No doubt I am only one of many, many mothers out there who feel so connected to these words.
Happy Birthday to your precious boys, and cheers to many more!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Kristen! You are so very sweet. That means so much! Thank you for reading! ;}
Debbie Christianson says
So well said. It is a good piece of advice . . . being present. I think that sounds like a great quote for a sign I should have in my face everyday. š