Today, at 12:21 pm, you turn eighteen. I felt your hiccups and kicks, somersaults and stretches. This abstract concept of building a family together became a reality as you grew. I craved cinnamon rolls and comfort food carbs while the morning sickness finally subsided well into the second trimester. If your dad cooked chicken on the stovetop, I had to leave the house. With a nod to Peter Rabbit in the perfect shade of blue, your nursery was fueled from love, dreaming of a life for you and what you would be like. I was induced for many reasons. You were getting really big on the measurements and medical side of things, so it was time. That was my first dabbling in the eternal truth that children arrive with their own timeline and terms, no matter which guidelines or milestones we cling to, desperately trying to map, predict and control this thing called life. You gave us a little scare when I had a fever mid-labor and the doctor made the call to use measures so that you could arrive safely. But there’s nothing on this earth like holding your child for the first time. It’s a surreal out-of-body moment, like looking from the outside in. Because nothing has prepared me and surely, this tiny human cannot be mine.
I was swollen, pumped full of fluids. But this is my favorite photo with you.
But you were ours. The easy baby who tricked us into having more. The thoughtful older brother always looking out for others, the sensitive protector to his younger siblings. The one who told us in the fifth grade he didn’t want to grow up and leave us. {Honestly, we’re fine with that arrangement, but we know you know there’s more out there for you.} You’re so smart, and your questioning of things with the love of a good debate has always kept us on our toes. You keep us laughing in unexpected moments and are practical, nearly to a fault. I’ve tried not to act like I was the first mom ever to experience these feelings and stages in life because eye roll, but suddenly we are on the brink of something new and I just want a bumper sticker proclaiming how very proud I am of you.
So here we are, our very own working stereotype of don’t blink and babies don’t keep. Because it’s all true. I just wasn’t ready. The truth is, I never will be. We wrote you a letter when you were halfway there, and now at 18, we thought we’d share a few things we’d like you to know, as you start your senior year. Maybe it’s really a letter to us, too.
• Let’s get that hard stuff out of the way: You’ve chosen college as your next step. Right now, it feels like you’re bogged down with schedule concerns, dual enrollment, college essays and ACT scores. It’s a lot. We know because it’s overwhelming for first-timer parents like us, too. But this too shall pass. {As the saying goes, it may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.} This initial stage in your senior year will be over before you know it. Just like every stage comes and goes. This overwhelming part will all be worth it. So work hard, and stay the course. You’re almost done. The payoff will be bigger than you can currently begin to understand.
• We’ve always told you to listen to your gut. That inner voice and intuition is there for a reason. But there’s a balance between intuition and keeping an open mind so that you can grow. You’re good at questioning things. Make sure you’re considering all the options and then listen to your feelings when it comes to those choices. It can be easy to default to the familiar. Growth comes in the challenging places and it’s not easy. But it’s worth it.
• You have a lot of choices to make in the next few months. It can feel like you’re choosing a path for the rest of your life. While these choices are important, guess what? You can always change your mind. You are young and have your entire life in front of you. You don’t stop being our son just because you turn 18. We’re not booting you out on your own. We will figure this out, together.
• Next year, no matter what you choose, is going to be amazing. You’re at the beginning of the rest of your life. While teachers, mentors, guidance counselors and yes, even parents, have the best of intentions in mind to help guide you, it can all seem so intimidating with never-ending lists. Don’t forget that you are about to enter some of the very best years of your life. It’s actually going to be fun. It only gets better from here. Trust us. You have so much to look forward to.
• You don’t know what you want to do with the rest of your life just yet. This is totally fine. It’s a lot of pressure to think you have to have it all figured out by senior year, so that you can choose a school, and essentially your future. Here’s a little secret: That’s dumb. Don’t be intimidated. Most kids haven’t figured it out either, even if they think they have. {Most adults switch gears later too, for what it’s worth.} You’re right where you’re supposed to be.
• In all of the pressure and excitement of next year, try to really be present for this one. It’s a few short months, and will go by so quickly. Even though your schedule may not be perfect or your situation may not be ideal from one moment to the next, enjoy it while you have it. Life only gets better from here, but happiness comes in being grateful for the now.
• Being grateful for the present is a life-long skill we want you to embrace. It’s a super power, actually, and will help you through so many countless situations. Hone that skill.
• We’re surrounded by everyone’s highlight reels. You never know what people are really struggling with behind the scenes, so realize that everyone has a story. Everyone is carrying something heavy we don’t understand, and coping in their own way. They’re doing the best they can. Remember that when someone’s grass looks a little greener than yours this year. Not everything is as it seems. Remember that in life, too.
• High School can be tricky if you don’t ‘fall into a mold’, and I would know this because I didn’t. Everyone grows at their own pace. Use this year to be the best version of yourself, and challenge yourself. The goal in life is to continue peaking over and over again, in each stage. Keep evolving and reinventing a better version of yourself. Don’t stop because things are “over” after high school. It only gets better. Keep going. {You’ll realize this when your 20th reunion pops up, and that bully is still saying weird stuff because he actually did peak in high school. At least that’s what I heard… I didn’t go.}
• There is a lot of focus on “next year” right now, because of all that planning. This is a reminder to be present in as many friendships as you can this year. Listen to your friends. You’ll never be here again. Appreciate this chapter in all its multifaceted imperfections. It’s interesting right now because you’re in this space where frontal cortexes are still developing, but you and all your friends are giving these little hints as to where you might be headed in life. There’s still a lot to learn here, and there are many sweet memories remaining to be made. Embrace it and glean fro it while it lasts.
• Always remember to be kind. Being nice and being kind are two very different things. “Nice” is something we say often and usually gives way to societal expectations and pressures, out of fear. Kindness takes a quiet strength with a knowledge of good boundaries out of love. You’re so good at looking out for others, and being empathetic. Don’t ever lose that beautiful quality.
• Diversify your friendships. Don’t fall into a rut this year just because you’re a senior. Practicing this skill will be essential next year. Part of growing up and existing and the human condition, is putting yourself out there again and again and again. That’s hard, even as an adult. Again, we know. But some unexpectedly amazing friendships can come from continuing to challenge yourself on multiple levels. You can really connect with people and that’s some of the most beautiful parts of life.
• Not everyone will be your best friend. Not everyone will love you. I think the sooner you can be okay with this fact in life, the more secure you’ll feel in interacting with others. Some people you encounter will be acquaintances. Some will be close merely out of current proximity, and then you’ll lose touch. Be at peace with this, because when people are rude, it usually shows more about the other person than you. Move on, and grow from it.
• Despite all these pressures and concerns, you’ll figure out what you’re supposed to do with your life. It may take a moment. Transitions are hard. There will be a lot that comes with that. We are always here. Use the next few years as a time to really explore what you love.
fabulous photo by light by iris
• Surround yourself with good people. Honestly, you’re only as strong as your weakest link when it comes to friends. These will be the people you have the most contact with in the next few years. So, surround yourself with kind, smart people who want to see you succeed with them, and who challenge you in really good ways. Remember that thing about under-developed frontal cortexes? Be careful that these friends make good decisions, too. Seek out people who truly care for others. People who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable and real. Life isn’t a competition, despite what society wants you to believe. There is enough space on this earth for you to do your thing. So remember to build strong, smart friendships with people who also want to build others up, just like you.
• You can always come home. Yes, that’s a stereotype too. We will always have good food and honest conversations and fresh laundry when you’re ready to go back again. We will probably have this weird, precarious adjustment period where we’ll need to pivot as we all grow together. You have always been so patient with us as the oldest, and we know that by default you have been our guinea pig. We would do many things differently if we could, but we will continue to strive to give you the space you need to become your own person. We hope there is always room for grace, honesty, and growth together.
• We love you buddy. And we are so proud. We have been so honored to be able to be your parents, and to have been given this gift of life with you. We know that no one is taking away our parental privileges just because you’re graduating. But this is the beginning of a whole new chapter, and we can’t wait to watch you continue to become the amazing person that you are. Happy Birthday. Hope this is your best year yet.
Danielle says
Trying not to cry because my oldest is also turning 18 next week. This is exactly how I’m feeling and I am just whipped.
Hugs.