For two years now, we’ve been in a bit of our own personal desert.
Don’t get us wrong… we haven’t always been in the desert. But about five years ago, we saw the writing on the wall, and things started to change. We created our own little oasis, and we watered and cared for it and really did all that we could. We’ve established that we’re big into the grass-is-green-because-you-water-it, mentality. And then two years ago, it became painfully obvious that our time here was over. No amount of water was going to help the oasis grow. Have you ever lived somewhere that you knew you didn’t belong? No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work?
It’s funny how answers will come to you when you least expect it. We didn’t know how, and we didn’t exactly know when, but we knew two years ago that we were ready to make a big change for our family, and it would take some hard decisions.
So in the meantime, we’ve worked hard to make some life changes in steps we knew would lead us there. We’ve planned and adjusted our goals, and prayed hard for guidance. Answers slowly revealed themselves and we adjusted some more. We’ve made little steps forward, and then taken a few steps back in the nature of true, but hard progress. They weren’t easy decisions to make, but they were the best decisions at the time for the sake of our family.
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, the last two years of our lives have been the absolute hardest. But they’ve also been the very best because we’ve risen to the occasion, together. And because of it, we’ve been refined under the heat of change.
So now that we’ve finally done all that we can, we’re waiting. Right now, it feels like we’re the little airplane that hasn’t been given permission to land just yet. We’re on the final descent, and oh so ready to begin an entirely new chapter of our lives…
But we have to wait.
No one ever said this part of the journey would be easy. Waiting is the hardest part. Especially when you weren’t expecting it.
Because while we’ve worked as hard as we can, the next step just isn’t up to us. It’s completely out of our control.
I’m a nervous-habits cuticle picker. I’m a planner to the core. I don’t sit still for long. It’s like we’ve agreed to do this thing… and now we wait. I see my children, and I’m ready for a fresh chapter for them. Moving churches {a big change when your dad resigns after nearly twelve years-the only thing they’ve ever known} and school in the past two years hasn’t been easy. They’ve required big steps of faith side by side and they’ve been difficult. I’m ready for a fresh start for their sake. Starting over is scary and hard and my heart truly aches for them… It’s time. And then I get angry, wondering why they have to wait. Wondering why we’re still here after all this time. Because this entire process has been a whole lot longer than a month of having our home on the market. It’s been years of steps to get there, in a path that hasn’t always been so clear. Then anger gives way to fear and doubt, and before I know it, I’ve spiraled. Oh so foolishly.
I kind of hate waiting. I’m absolutely terrible at it. Still, after all this time, it’s a struggle for me.
But then we’ve realized something. In the silence… in the waiting… we’re certainly not flying this plane because we can’t see beyond our own foggy window in the passengers section. I can squint into the darkness and try my best to see the lights of the landing ahead, but at the end of the day we’re not calling the shots. We’re not the pilot. We’re not in control of that landing, because we’ve never been in control of the flight. He knows what’s best.
I have glimpses of what I think it should be, but it’s out of my control and it’s not up to me. And in that moment of waiting some more, it’s funny again, how just like answers, truths will also reveal themselves, in startlingly sharp ways. I’m wrestling with them now, and they’re refining me some more. They’re refining our entire family.
It’s really hard to sit back and let someone else fly. To just be, and have more faith to get through this holding pattern so we can begin fresh.
It’s easy to feel like people all around us are making progress and moving forward, and we’re the only ones. Then I realized there are countless people everywhere, in their own form of a holding pattern. In their own time of silence and waiting. In stillness, with no option but to wait and circle, until they’re given permission to lower that landing gear.
Here’s a few things we’re learning…
Embrace the now.
We will look back in two more years time, and see that God had a plan for us. That he was teaching us so much. That in the process of that refinement, and in those moments of doubt, we needed this to happen so that we can be who He needs us to be in this next chapter. And so I will embrace the now.
As dismal as it feels in the moment, our story isn’t over yet. And since we’re in a particular chapter at the moment, we should just embrace it.
I think that maybe we’ll look back at this season of our lives, and it will all be a distant memory. And a cherished one. All of it.
We will look back at how empty walls of a house became our home, and cherish the memories we had here. We will laugh at the moments that cause us anxiety now, because it will have been abundantly clear that it was just a part of the struggle and the journey in making us who we are.
We will relish in the days when things were as they are now. And I don’t want to regret taking them for granted.
We don’t know if we will homeschool next year. We think it’s been made glaringly clear to us that it’s time to try something new. But we do know that it’s been a part of our process, and because of that, there are so many wonderfully sweet moments we will always cherish. So while we have no idea what that means for next year, we will embrace this moment, now. No matter how difficult it has been.
We have so many unanswered questions… so many what ifs.
We will laugh at all the little things that made this time so special. We will miss the present, if we don’t take the time to appreciate it now. We may even miss the quiet.
We have to wait for our future, but that doesn’t mean we need to pine away for it. It means we need to take a little more time to breathe and appreciate and snuggle and love. And cherish everything now, as it is. Not as it will be.
Distractions welcome.
Distractions are always used as a bad word in our society. I think it’s important we fully pursue those in the times of waiting. We’re talking about the good distractions. In the form of people and the activities you love.
I find myself wanting to invest a little more in the people around me, who won’t be in my immediate driving distance in the future. Those people I unintentionally took for granted in the past. I want to cherish the moments I have left with those around me, while we can still meet up for dinner and those truly fun, vulnerable moments… to get lost in the kind of conversations that make you forget to check your phone, and laugh until your insides are sore.
And distractions in the form of non-vocational time killers. Doing what we do, we love it so much, sometimes its easy to blur the lines and become workaholics. Waiting has a way of making you focus on the wrong things and all the what-ifs. It can make you battle anger and doubt and self-pity. When you’re focused on the next thing, you don’t take time to do the things you really should be doing. And it’s in the simple things: We take a lot more walks just to enjoy walking. We have dinners out with the kids for a breath of fresh air and to enjoy the moment with our children. And we spend more time together, because they won’t always laugh like this. Their hair won’t always crinkle to one side when they’ve slept like this. They won’t always mispronounce their r’s like this.
Youth and innocence in my children don’t keep, and I won’t waste it away wishing for change, in the meantime.
Distractions. The important kind. When you’re waiting, take the time to pursue the simple. To get out of the house and experience those small adventures. To pursue where your heart is leading you. That’s always time well spent.
Attitude is everything
I’m reminded of the Isrealites who waited for 40 years in the desert. And I’m impatient over a few years? And then it shifts when I think of the couple waiting to adopt. Or of the sick child, enduring treatments, waiting to get better.
And this pales in comparison.
It just absolutely pales.
Yes, I’m angry that my children have to wait, and our family has to wait. And I feel like it’s justifiable anger in the way that it’s normal. It’s kind of my job as a mother. But as a believer, I’m working on my faith, and in that, my perspective. Perspective is humbling, and I’m reminded {like a much needed slap in the face} that we have so much be thankful for. I can’t waste that away, in the waiting.
It comes down to the daily game of adjusting my perspective and outlook. It all comes down to this:
So maybe we’re waiting for a reason.
Maybe this season of holding patterns is to reveal a greater plan. Or maybe it’s just to refine us a little more in that fire. It’s been a challenging few years, but we’re ready… and it’s all in His timing for a reason.
Because we’re not the pilot.
That’s a really good thing, because I would have crash landed a long time ago.
It’s good to know we’re not alone. Or in control.
And sometimes it’s all about finding that under appreciated beauty… in the holding pattern.
Beth M. says
Excited for what the future holds for y’all! It will be so Wirth it to look back and see God’s ultimate plan for your lives! Can’t wait for you to join us in Nashville!
Wendy says
Love this. Thank you.
Anna says
Our life has been in a holding pattern right now too with job stuff. Thank you for this great perspective. It’s easy to get bogged down in things that just aren’t important!
Tiffany says
You guys have really been on my mind lately as we, too, are in a season of waiting (after following a tough two years).
I heard a preacher say recently that, as Christians, we are never in a holding pattern. God always has us on a trajectory. It just might not be the timeline or path we would choose. (And, as you said, we’re not the pilots.)
Every time you’ve come to mind, I’ve prayed for your family, and I hope we’ll both be done waiting soon!
Linda says
Waiting, just bites! God answers in his time, not ours. This’s has been a lifetime mantra for me as I have little patience. Getting better. I pray your wait will soon be over. A new journey can be scary or you can make it an adventure. Here’s to a wonderful & blessed adventure!
Elizabeth says
We have been waiting also. But God showed me if I didn’t enjoy the life I have now, I I wouldnt enjoy it later either . And finally after such a long wait( so it seems now anyway) things are finally happening!
Cristina says
What a beautiful “coincidence” (haha!) that it was my turn to bring a devo to a church mtg I had this morning…this is what I read to them:
http://www.crosswalk.com/devotionals/desert/streams-in-the-desert-april-19th.html
I, too, am in a very similar waiting game…sold our home, living with the ‘rents, waiting for God to move us {literally} on to the next part of our lives. Will be praying for both our families to “rest” in the moment and “stand still” 🙂
Rose L. says
Sometimes facing the future without having a knowledge of every detail is hard. You just need to take God’s hand and trust his plan.
Judy says
Wow you took the words right out of my mouth, (umm fingers?). Been through a hard 3 years and getting ready for more transition with a big move, new jobs etc. as this adventure hasn’t worked out. And the waiting, ugh the waiting. I think I snuck out of line when patience was being handed out.
Ali says
I always try to pray for things to take “exactly how long God intends” and for them to be “exactly how God intends it to be” even if I really really really want something to happen soon or turn out a certain way 🙂 What I’ve found is that if I just let go and let God, things work out for the best and resolve themselves much faster than if I get involved and try to fix it/finish it/rush it/make it what I want it to be. So I’m praying that your holding pattern takes exactly however long God intends for it to take – no sooner, no later – and praying for patience for your family to be able to wait until whenever that is!
Jackie says
I agree, waiting is horrific. I do love, though, that with the Lord, you can look back and know that he has been faithful in the past and will continue to be faithful…both in the waiting and on the other side. God often slaps me across the face with the verse, “Wait for the Lord, be strong take heart and wait for the Lord.” As I often bemoan my waiting. He just once again reassures me that He is at work and that my job in the waiting is to do just that! We have had 3 years of LOTS of change. We adopted, planted a church, moved to the boonies, and are waiting for Healing for our little one. God and I have had some intense one on ones, but I can truly say that the intimacy that comes with Him in the waiting is SO worth it all.
Jenny B. says
Lots of great thoughts! I hope God makes everything clear in His time (of course, He will!). I like your thoughts about distractions. I think similar thoughts when I watch Mary Poppins, and she says that the children will find her games “extremely diverting.” So, it’s good to distract yourself and divert your attention away from the things that make you tired and anxious. 🙂
Jen Morris says
This post really resonated with me because we are in exactly the same position. It’s SO hard waiting and being in limbo!! When I begin feeling that doubt spiral I stop myself and ask myself if I know this will all work out. If the answer is yes (and it is) then why am I getting all worked up? If I know this is the right move for our family and I know God will see us through, then there is no need to get stressed. Sure, we’d like it to happen now, rather than later, but I have to trust that we’re waiting for a reason. It’s so hard though, to be patient, but I think you are absolutely right about distractions. There is a quote that says something like, the secret to being patient is doing something else while you wait. I’ve been starting to film more videos for my YouTube channel and I’m really excited about it and the learning curve is a good distraction! Here’s hoping and praying that our plans (yours and mine) will come through soon – and that we may wait with grace and patience in the meantime. xx
Sheila says
Unfortunately, I absolutely and completely understand. 🙁
You’re in my prayers.
Many Blessings
Cori says
I feel you, girl. Remember that God is faithful. All. the. time. It helps me to write down times I have seen God’s faithfulness in my life.
Carin says
Hugs and prayers to you all. May your plane land safely soon 🙂
emma says
What a timely piece of writing for me to read. Know that your waiting and writing has helped someone…me….far across the oceans in sunny cape town…south Africa!
emma says
Your writing and waiting has been a timely read for me!in cape town south Africa!