When my ninth grader asked me to check his online quiz for honors English I was all, “Sure, kid!” Because he rarely asks me for help. In fact, he’s the one helping his father build the back yard cabana when I’m busy with client work, and unloads the dishwasher at the end of a long day.
Side note: If any of you with younger kids think that parenting teenagers must be horrid because you’ve observed some {horrid} teens, I see you. We worked with teens for 12 years, so I was kinda dreading my children getting older because ew, David. From afar, teenager-hood felt like parenting Gremlins who were fed far after midnight. I just assumed it was all a train wreck. We’ve realized it doesn’t have to be, if you’re putting in the work. It only gets better.
Regarding this pandemic: I’ve seen a lot of parents with the whole “I want my kids out of the %$#*& house!!! OMGGAAAHHHHHH” before they spontaneously combust into flames. We get it, but we also enjoy our kids. Most of the time. I mean, they’re ours, after all.
Because right now, we’ve hit our wall. It’s a little bit of a challenge. So the other day when my oldest asked me to check his honors English work, I was all, I’ve got this. I was in honors English. I’m a writer. See my badge. If I sound overly confident, it was because I was compensating for my deficiencies in math. They know better than to ask me to check their math. It’s an every man for himself, Lord-of-the-Flies sitch up in here.
Cue me ten minutes later, googling what the heck an antonym is. Because I think I know, but also it’s been twenty five years, the clock is ticking on his quiz, and I need to double check myself. Like when I have to formally set a table for a photo shoot. I always google. I know, but I still google. And also, I totally forgot what an antonym was.
Side note: what if this pandemic had occurred in 1998? NO GOOGLE. That’s just scratching the surface.
So we went through all his work before he submitted it, and I showed him why one thing or another may be wrong, and we corrected it. Also, no one gives a flying crap what passive and active voice is. I felt like a good mom and we proudly hit the submit button. I was sure he scored an A with my help. I mean, I write for a living and stuffs.
60%
Con to online learning: Checking their work and feeling like an idiot.
More like before and after, because the right side is both of us WHILE we try to work at home.
Jehosephat forbid we have full time jobs.
When he retook the quiz, he got 100%, and proclaimed he didn’t really need my help after all. So glad I could ultimately teach him that he should never ask for my help. I’m also glad I’ve forgotten all the useless stuff they teach you in school, because knowing what antonyms are have really come in handy for antonym season.
My daughter is learning about various religions in history, heavy emphasis on the Jesus. Except the answers about Jesus had a definite Catholic sway, and we’re not Catholic so we missed one due to one of those answers definitely being up for interpretation.
Seems legit. Thanks public school.
Reality: These quizzes are designed to be purposefully tricky, where multiple answers from their list of choices, could very well apply. If I’d known the equivalent for online learning meant sitting at home and feeling like a moron whilst I check my children’s work in pointless quizzes, and waiting for a response from my 9th grader’s science teacher via email 5 school days later, {hello, tech support} we would have become expats in Sweden by now. I feel like Sweden always has it together.
Online learning = Log into the zipowap and download derzofran for schoology to check the pinzocan edumaology. We’re exhausted.
Then there’s lunch time. Because that’s only our morning, and my oldest’s love language is food. He said he would miss all things lunch room this year. I side eyed him so hard, I almost had an embolism. For the first week we desperately tried to compensate with take out, home cooked meals and more.
Make it special, they said. It will be fun, they said. There’s a reason I’ve gained twelve pounds.
But apparently, we’re supposed to know what’s for every meal, ever. This is especially fun with picky eaters. It never stops. It’s been like this for half a year, but we’ve run out of steam and options and energy and I have no idea what to feed them. Honestly, they can eat a PB & J for three days in a row. Bagels for dinner is perfectly acceptable. Want some popcorn? Sure, and also GETITYOSELF.
We’re full on tutors and short order cooks and falling short in these categories because oh yeah, we also have to make a living to provide the monies so that we can afford to EAT. All I know is that I’m doing a fake cafeteria menu calendar just like the school’s, and putting it on the fridge alongside some math equations just in case anyone has any questions in between their non-helpful online classes. And JK, JUST USE YOUR PHONE AND GOOGLE and also CALCULATORS so everyone stops asking. Nothing matters anymore.
It’s a feral, apocalyptic free for all up in here.
Cheers to 2020, and what feels like the homestretch of testing my everloving patience. And intelligence level. And stamina. I’m giving you a thumbs up from my own battlefield, no matter what you’re tackling this school year. You’ve got this.
I love online learning, said no parent ever.
Sarah LeClair-Jones says
Hilarious! This made me laugh, and goodness knows I need it! Thank you so much! Your realism and humor hit the perfect note in this tough time.
pam says
LOL funny stuff! Wow I feel your pain! I’m so happy my kids are grown and I didn’t have to go through this.
Barbara says
I love your writing and laugh out loud so much! I was helping my granddaughter who was in kindergarten (now first grade and in person at school, thank goodness) and the hardest part was getting her to sit still- feet on the desk, wanting a snack, wanting to “play” instead and asking “are we finished yet?” Both parents have to be at their jobs, but we got through it and had a lot of PLAY time too! Blessed to have the time with her as she grows up fast.
Kari says
I love the Sweden comment! Just yesterday, my HS senior and I were sitting through yet another virtual college admissions presentation. This school requires 2 years of college level foreign language. I told her to ditch her French, start over, learn Swedish, move to Sweden and then I can come live in a cabin in her backyard! All problems solved!