No one tells you that when you turn 40, you suddenly have skin that matches your almost-sixteen year old. You have a major need for some Tinkle razors and acne meds. He may be learning how to drive, but I was totally showing him how to get that peach fuzz in the mirror yesterday. I’m basically a pro now with my at-home, totally-unapproved-by-aesthetician facials.
No one tells you that when you turn 40, if you sleep on your side, you get wrinkles on your chest. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. I even purchased a pack of those gimmicky silicone shields to put on my skin. I had them for my chest, neck, and forehead all so that I could just sweat profusely at night whilst looking like an alien, and now I’m fairly certain I’m perimenopausal. Cool, because if I had a baby at this point it would be called a geriatric pregnancy and that’s totally fair, said no one ever.
And no one tells you that when you turn 40, you get insomnia.
You get insomnia. And you get insomnia. YOU ALL GET INSOMNIAAAAAA. ::Cue my best Oprah voice::
It usually happens to me every other month, but when it does, I’m super stressed out and we’re lined right up with my lady moon cycle. {Yes, I am twelve and sub words.} But thanks, nature. What a perfect design for the female body. As if I’m not rage-schlepping through life enough for the next week, let’s add zero sleep to that, as well. I feel super productive and healthy right now.
It’s no big deal, really. When I wake up from a dream like a totally sane person, I’m suddenly plummeted into a shame spiral over something awkward I did in the fifth grade. Then it evolves into my to do list, everything that’s wrong, and suddenly I’m trying to solve the world’s problems with my brain that won’t switch off. This is all while Jamin snores in octaves that I’m fairly sure are capable of summoning daymons from the underworld.
This is also in between his tuck-and-rolls, where he systematically steals the bedcovers. Which is also in between sleep twitches in which I’m fairly certain he must be body slamming into the concrete after a skydiving trip in his dreams, right before he wakes, sending the entire bed into an earthquake worthy of The Exorcist. If you ask him about this in the morning, he’ll go into full on denial and then claim that I’m the one rolling like an alligator with a fresh gazelle on the African plains. What he doesn’t realize, is that this is in total reaction to him. I rage-snatched a few covers the other night, and literally did an opposite roll, so we were two adorable mid-life crisis Swiss Cake rolls of spite, side by side. I’m fairly certain we hated each other in that moment, and this is where my weird illustration ends.
We’re designing our primary suite, but don’t think I haven’t entertained the thought of totally separate quarters. I do hear that’s the key to a long happy marriage, and I’m fairly certain if I hold on for three more years, he can have our oldest’s bed. Shhhh don’t tell him.
I’ve tried everything, from melatonin gummies to meditation with that expensive app, and herbal tea. I should probs circle back around to the herbal tea and less guzzling of coffee in the afternoons to accomplish life. How dare I try to be productive and run a business and such.
Back to school, alone, will be the death of me. They mean well, but with all the back to school nights lined up and back to school shopping, and wellness checkups and emails and phone calls and lists and lockers and supplies and anxieeetttaaaaayyyy… if one person in the comment section tells me that they successfully flipped the script and changed their lives by magically homeschooling, I will flip a freaking table. This is not the correct answer that we seek, sir. That is not helpful and honestly I’m allowed to be stressed for a hot sec. #diditforthreeyears #wonderfulexperiencebutweallneededwhatweredoingnow #youdoyou
I just want to know who’s brilliant idea it was in our county, to start on THIS Friday at half a day so Friday is totally off when it comes to working, and we’re all out of sorts, totally exhausted by the following Wednesday. I could sleep-train them a week ahead of time but that’s hilarious because teens, and final days of summer and it’s too late now, we’re Thelma and Louis-ing it right off this cliff. TO WANDA.
Then there’s this magical thing called doctors. Anyone else behind on their doctors appointments like I am? Maybe because we can’t seem to keep up with our children’s dermatology and orthodontist appointments to make our own adult ones. Or maybe because the apocalypse hit. Probably both. I was all, one, two, skip a few… ZOMBIES and then I didn’t go again. So I called the gyno’s office the other day to schedule an appointment in my call of shame, all because someone announced their mammogram results on insta, which reminded me.
Pause. Back it up.
This is how scattered I’ve been. Someone was all “Whew, MAMMO results be good” and I was like, oh yeah I should get on that and make sure I’m NOT DYING because IT’S BEEN A WHILE. When the judgy lady who makes appointments on the other line told me how long it had been, my anxiety meter went from covid, to cancer. I’m still recovering from last month’s dental doozy of PTSD. I’m cool waiting until September when they could squeeze me in, where they can judge me for my various coping mechanisms like eating too much Chic-Fil-A. Can they just agree no scales when we go?
Maybe this is officially midlife. The part where I’m trying desperately to enjoy each season but my washing machine is broken and the repair guy can’t get here until next week, so that’s another fun adventure. One dog has allergies that requires shots, and the other has a hip issue which also requires shots. What did her subtle line in that passive aggressive text mean? I’m trying to keep up with my self-care by working out in between work and kid schedules so that I can sleep better at night and thus the vicious cycle of exhaustion, and how did I end up here? No, I don’t have time for a massage. Oh, and apparently covid is back and it never went away and I can’t even look at the news.
These are just a tiny peek into the freak show acrobatics {sometimes channeled into creativity?} my brain does at night.
It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. My greatest hope is that you read this and feel seen. I think across the board, it’s just that time of year for everybody. Like Christmas in the late summer, or something. An inability to sleep due to being plagued with rabid thoughts is just icing on the cake. I promise you’re not the only one with chaotic, malformed plates in the air. Cheers, errebody!
So here’s to insomnia. May we all keep our sanity, one day at a time.
{PS. I got ten hours of blissful sleep last night, so eventually, it gets better. Wheeee!}
I do feel seen. “Swiss cake rolls of spite”. Brilliant.
HAHAHAHA I get SO mad. 😀
After 41 years of the assorted co-sleeping issues you mentioned….plus a few more…. I gave up and moved into our “guest” bedroom. The hubs was somewhat offended until I mentioned just how close he’d come to death by pillow any number of nights and that menopausal, sleep deprived black out rage is a real thing. 😳 I still have nights where my brain is humming along like a caffeine overloaded mouse with a caffeine overloaded feline chasing it but, overall, both hubs and I are sleeping better. Before I made the move to another bed in another room however, we did find that having each our own twin sized sheet and comforter/blanket instead of sharing a king sized reduced marital nighttime friction considerably. Give it a try maybe?
The sleep thing….that’s exactly what happens to me!! I get through the work day with caffeine but I can’t seem to get rid of the circles and bags under my eyes! Oh Lordy!
Thank you for your words…now when I’m “solving the problems of the world” in the middle of the night, I know I won’t be alone! LOL!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I’m glad I’m not either! The caffeine thing is a vicious cycle for sure
Nailed it!! The most accurate description of my nighttime thought process ever. Thanks for the laugh, and the reassurance that we are in this together!!
I’ve been fighting the sleepless thing since I had a hysterectomy in, wait for it…2007! I also have pain issues from shingles I had repeatedly over the last 10 years, so you would think that the cocktail of percocet, nerve medications, melatonin, a sleep med and medical marijuana would DEMAND that I sleep at night, but no, it doesn’t. Did I mention that I also get up at 5:30 am for work? So I really thought this week when my husband left on his first business trip since covid I would finally sleep…nope, hasn’t happened yet and he comes home tomorrow. I feel you, I see you and I wish I had 10 hours of sleep in one night…you mean you had them all in a row? Oh, the insanity!
The Scandinavians have it right. Everyone gets their own twin-sized duvet. None of this sharing of sheets and comforters!
Try adding magnesium glycinate capsules before bed. They were a game-changer for my restlessness. Apparently, we are all deficient in magnesium.
Get sunlight first thing in the morning to reset your circadian rhythm.
For those sensitive to lights from screens/tvs, blue blocker glasses–the real ones with red or dark orange lenses–after sunset.
Don’t eat within 4 hours of going to sleep. Your digestive system disrupts your sleep. And, unfortunately, alcohol is a real killer. Surest way to insomnia for me is drinking the night before.
And, not for the faint of heart, cold showers 1-2 hours before bed. Sets up your parasympathetic nervous system for a good night’s sleep.
I’ve been trying to sleep hack for years, so could go on and on. Unfortunately, there isn’t one cure-all for everyone. You need to do some trial and error to see what works for you. Wishing you many good nights of sleep!
All of this !! Good to know that we are all in good company !
Yes! ALL of it, with a side of some other junk! Solidarity hugs and a big thank you for reminding me the madness is not exclusive to me! It helps! ❤️
You are the funniest girl in the history of girls.
😂 Sounds like hormones alright! Check into this. I PROMISE it will change your life. Progessance plus from young living. It’s a natural progesterone which alot of us women are lacking. Helps with insomnia. Also check I to their magnesium/calcium supplement. Its helped me alot! Also check in their clary sage oil, have heard it helps alot of perimenopause! Good luck to ya!
Hahahahaha! My sympathies with the teens…you’re basically stuck. Good news is they (usually) become wonderful adults so there’s that.
I agree w/ Kari regarding sleep. Different for everyone. What’s helped me the most is I can have a glass of wine around happy hour but none after. No caffeine after around 1:30-2ish. A cup of Sleepytime Extra. Most importantly and this was a bit of a shocker but research backs it up…tart cherry juice an hour or so before bed. It not only has melatonin, but it also has some chemicals that help produce melatonin and regulate sleep. HAS to be TART (montmorency) cherry juice. I was drinking 8oz but it has a good bit of sugar so I get the concentrated version now – 2tbs shot or in a bit of water before bed. You’ll think it’s expensive as hell but it actually works out cheaper than the already expensive cherry juice and it seems to help me to fall back to sleep when I wake. Good luck.
Hi Ash
I just turned 50 and I must say, IT DOESN’T GET ANY DAMN BETTAAAAA (in the most sarcastic way eva)!!!!! Insomnia, hot, husband snoring, scratching his feet and leaving dust crumbs (that’s a whole notha topic) and let’s not forget about the brain fogs. I’m still the same size an people tell me I look as if I’m not a day over late 20’s early 30, and I always tell my body, “Did you hear that?” And of course the body says, your face and body may fool the outer appearance, but touche’ to getting up in the middle of the night with the Frankinstien walk and the morning lol. Nevertheless, it could be worse and I thank God that it’s not. At this point, I just reflect on the days of my life ;-))))))