To be such a perpetual list maker, my new year resolutions game has always been far from impressive.
I tried a few times, to make deliberate lists of things I wanted to change. I even had them color coded with markers, and stickers and motivational quotes because lists and because dork. But to no avail, they always fell by the wayside. Like, off my desk and behind my computer wayside… soon to be forgotten in the land of good intentions and dust. I’m kind of a go-getter at heart {see: freakishly high strung} anyway, so I usually just set a goal in my mind and go for it. But one thing at a time, because you can’t change all the things at once, and there’s something about the load of guilt behind those forgotten lists by the time February rolls around that always get to me. Like an extra unwanted side to my Southern culture, I think we can all do with a little less guilt.
So a few years ago, when the whole word-of-the-year trend started, I thought it was a bit hokey. And then the following years, I secretly selected a word in my head though I’m not sure I remember now what it was. Something self-proclaimingly deep like ‘Authentic’ – straight from Webster’s list of overused phrases – I was always saddling up my horse in full body armor. “For Narnia!” I would proclaim, before riding into 365 days of an unwritten year. Only to tumble off a mere 45ish days later, and hobble back to camp with my pride barely in tact.
The drive, from Abeline to Dallas {Texas} is a straight shot. If you’ve ever made that drive on such a flat landscape, you see the city on the horizon, and you proclaim: We’re not that far away! But it’s a trap for any of us who despise car trips. You realize you still have hours left to go, even though you can see your destination. Even though you know it’s close. We’ve lived the last two years in complete limbo, and while we know we’ve truly made the most of it, I feel like we’re still staring out the window. It can be hard, when you’re tired of the wait.
We knew for a while that a change was coming, and we made preperations for that. Jamin was finally able to resign from his job, and while we’ve never really elaborated, for the sake of our family it was a much-needed change. We left a ministry position we’d been a part of for nearly twelve years. And when you leave a position in ministry and the subsequent church, it feels a lot like a breakup. Essentially, it is. I think I’m still going through recovery in ways I never imagined, wrestling with what we believe and trying our best to let it go. So we began the process of readying ourselves to relocate. It was the next logical step, this little dream for our family. We were beyond ready to move from a town that never felt like home. It was like a breath of fresh air… we were finally going to get a new start. It was time to do this.
Only, here’s the part where life kicks in: when we were ready, it didn’t happen. Cue the crickets. Our home, the one that we poured ourselves into just hasn’t sold yet.
No, we don’t have ghosts or rats or leaky faucets. There is absolutely nothing wrong with our home. It’s simply the state of our market here.
We’re taking a big hit financially to make this move, for many reasons. We know it’s the best change for us personally: for our family and our children’s future. Sometimes, just because you know what the right thing is, or the next step, doesn’t make it easy. If anything, it makes it harder. Right now, it feels like we’re giving our home away. And right now, we wonder if it’s ever going to happen. We just have to wait it out. If you’ve never been through a life phase like this before, it can be hard to understand. But when I talk about it with people in the same position, and then see the knowing nods, we know we’re not alone.
To have a home that we’ve made a career off of not sell, it can get into the psyche after waiting. The irony isn’t lost on us.
But this is the part where the theme music screeches to a halt, and cue the freeze frame. Because I know the things I’ve frankly listed above, are total first world problems. They’re a part of growing up. Of putting on our big kid skivvies and handling it. Mostly, we have our days when we look around and say, Man. We have a good life. Because we do, and we are so thankful. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have our bad days. There’s a lot of pressure behind letting a home-grown business carry your family, and I, the perfectionist creative to the core, can get completely bogged down in it.
In regret and in those what-ifs. In wondering where on earth we’re headed and what the plan is. Who allowed me to grow up and make adult choices?
Because right now, my backup plan is Starbucks. I love coffee, and they help pay for college, and Starbucks seems more stable than this, and I’m no stranger to digging in and doing what it takes. That’s hard for a control freak like me who often wants to bail in the name of stability. So in the process of waiting, and educating our children, and growing our business, and handling all those real life struggles that go on behind the scenes… I’ve lost my voice. I feel like this person, floundering about, when all I have to do is swim. I’m just struggling with how.
I was born on a cold Morning of December the 6th in a small town in Mississippi. There’s photos of my mom, all glowing in the hospital bed, after laboring through natural childbirth with me most of the night. I swear she managed to do her hair, makeup and put on a pretty night gown all while losing the ten pounds she gained while carrying me, so when I say she’s glowing, it’s no joke. And when I was born, all 7 pounds and 7 ounces of a pink wriggling baby, they named me Ashley Joy Malone.
So when I was thinking about my word of the year, I realized that for the last two years… my entire life, really… I’ve had my word. Such a simple, three letter phonetical combination that is such a mystery to truly grasp. One I’ve resented for a while. Like a true namesake, this underlying, resounding theme in the background of my life. It’s the only real answer to life’s “problems”, no matter what situation we find ourselves in.
I pretty much don’t have the answer to anything.
I don’t think I’m supposed to, and at some point I have to stop wrestling and let it go. It’s the only answer to combat the every day struggles. The way to handle the real trials that are sure to fly our way. Life is imperfect, and it can feel like we’re weary travelers on a marred landscape, looking at that mirage of a horizon. I’m the little kid asking, Are we there yet? But things will never be ‘just’ the way I want them even when we finally “arrive”.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my short life waiting for the perfect situation.
Instead of a surrender, it’s more of a conscious decision. An acknowledgment. A true choice to look for the little unexpected, overlooked, every day gifts that we do have.
So, I get back on my horse. Once more. And this year we ride into 365 days of the fresh year with the unknown before us. We’re not sure how far away that horizon still is. But this… is my battle cry:
Joy is my middle name.
erin @ thh says
I love this. We’re heading into a year with a ton of unknowns–long-hoped-for-events that I’m not supposed to talk about on the internet, and one that I can: the birth of our fourth child. When the calendar changed from 2015 to 2016, I didn’t feel any excitement about the new year. Just apprehension. I know I’m in for a long haul this year, as much as I’m looking forward to it. All beginnings are hard.
Your middle name is joy, and mine means “peace”. Kind of profound, isn’t it? I haven’t had a word for this year yet, but now I do. Thank you for that. <3
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe congratulations on your new addition! Thinking of you as you dive into your new year. You have GOT this! And I totally get the not-supposed-to-talk-about-it-on-the-internet part. I think I’ve kept so much shut down that it’s killed my writing. Trying to get back into it this year!
Michael @ CraftyDad.com says
With Joy (and Gratitude) I think you can pretty much get through life and be okay. Okay with whatever comes your way. Not in some Pollyanna kind of way. But in a true, nothing is wasted, everything happens for a reason, and there’s a lesson in every success and failure we encounter. THAT sort of life.
My three words for 2016 are CHOICES, PRESENT, and MINIMIZE. As I see it, life is ALL about choices. I need to focus on making GOOD ones. Being present is something I’m not too good at. I need to peel away all the distractions and really be present and engaged — especially in conversations with people. We all want to be heard. And have someone LISTEN to us. I need to work on that — being the listener. And then there’s minimize. Oh, Lord…I have so much to do here. It’s going to take several de-cluttering sessions (sorry Marie Kondo – I can’t do it all in one felled swoop. I just can’t).
Here’s to you Ashley Joy Malone Mills: here’s to a joyous 2016. You’ve got this. : )
ashley @ the handmade home says
You always have the sweetest comments, Michael. Love your insight, {and your word selections!} as always. Thank you.
Brie says
Ashley. Thank you for this. I have missed your eloquent writing!!! As always, you did not disappoint. Sending hugs. Thanks for helping me see the bright side,
Brie
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thank you for your sweet, kind words, Brie! Thinking of you as you get after this new year! You’ve totally got this!
laura says
Love. You have not lost your voice, you are just finding a new one. Praying for y’all on what comes next and to find some direction and peace!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thanks so much Laura. This means the world.
Candice says
I love your post. I can totally relate to your season of waiting. When the Lord leads, you follow, and sometimes that obedience leads to what can feel like the the brakes are being applied. You might even wonder if you heard Him correctly. However, waiting is never idle. It is a verb that requires great prayer and patience! I love how your word JOY fits so beautifully in that picture. We are not merely waiting, but looking for joy in all the small things, as we experience all that He has planned for us each day and with great hope, anticipating all that He has in store for us in the future. Praying for your sweet family during this time of transition and trust
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much, Candice!
christa sterken says
This is beautiful, I love reading such transparent writing. We have made many moves that didn’t make “sense” in the eyes of our loved ones. We just “knew” it was right. And sometimes? It was wrong. But we learned and grew and moved on. Bless you in your “joy-full” journey
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you so much, Christa. It can be tricky sometimes. The very same to you!
Jennifer says
I first heard of the “word of the year” about two years ago and thought my success rate might be better than with the traditional list. In the middle of that previous’ year’s November, I had a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction…it didn’t go well. By January 2nd I was on the schedule for a Re-reconstruction…that’s when I chose my word “joy” – I even went so far as to buy a necklace with my word stamped on it. At my first follow up appointment after surgery #2 they had to remove one of the implants. Crushing blow. When I got home from my impromptu surgery, in that day’s mail was my necklace. Joy. This was going to be harder than I thought. And it has been. Two more re-reconstruction surgeries and one very painful wrist surgery followed by months of therapy later, we found ourselves broke and desperately trying to hold onto our home. And while things haven’t gotten a whole lot better, I now know what it truly means to trust God. By the way, my middle name is “Joy” too (seriously, Jennifer Joy…my mom was into alliterations) – I’m may still working on that word but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my God is with me. He has a plan. And, more importantly, His plan is better than mine. Enjoy your word, it’s totally worth it 🙂
ashley @ the handmade home says
He certainly does, Jennifer. There are no words for what you’ve been through. Praying for you for quick healing. Love your name.
Bonnie says
LOVE this!!!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Thank you, Bonnie!
Whitney Shortt says
Needed to hear this. I tend to wait and long for the perfect too and let it pull me down. Thanks so much for sharing your heart with us and I’m sure God has an awesome home and place for your family to move to at the right time! <3
Courtney says
Whew. I’m just now reading this as we’ve been so busy and it definitely hits home! “I don’t want to spend the rest of my short life waiting or the perfect situation.” -totally could have written that myself. Thank you for the reminder! And, I just want you to know since I found your blog it has been one of my favorites- even if I don’t have time to read your posts right away, I save them in my email to go back to later. So even though I totally get feeling like you’ve lost your voice and struggling, my love for your blog has continued, and I have faith you will rock JOY this year! 🙂
Mimi - 247 Mulberry Lane says
Thank you for such an inspiring post! I’m kinda wishing my middle name could be “Hope” right about now… because that’s what you’ve given me. 🙂
Diane Walters says
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. All three of my children have Joy in their names and we live on a plot of ground we call Joy Farm and yet I forgot that ” joy is in the journey, not the destination”. Thank you for reminding me…
Char says
I hope you find much joy and peace in all you encounter this year.
Marian@CMShawStudios says
I so get this. I have been studying joy for about 5 years now. Reading about it. Trying to find it. And what my search has taught me is that joy is always there, but so is the struggle. You just have to decide which you’re gonna pay attention to. And I have to decide every single time I wake up which I will see.
You are doing great things, my friend who’s name is full of Joy.
The Other Marian
Peggy says
I love your writing. You have such a beautiful talent for wordsmithing. And you always say what I am thinking, but way better. I love that your middle name is Joy. This has been a very hard year already. And I tell you, I have to chose every morning. Chose joy. Bless you for putting into words all that makes us look at our hearts and gives us hope. May He give you all the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. Ps 20:4
Joy Bier says
Joy is my first name—not always an easy name to live up to! Great article–hope things work out for you. Thankful for the promise found in the verse “the joy of the Lord is my strength”. He can give joy even in the worst times.