I have a friend who sleeps with her husband of seventeen years, in a queen-sized bed. When I asked her how they, two considerably tall people manage, she said it’s their thing. That she has to share physical contact somewhere in the act of cuddling. With her foot, her arm, something. It’s just how they roll.
Ew.
On a Facebook group post recently, a besotted newlywed was asking how on earth married people survive. She said that they weren’t sleeping in their newly established double bed. What on earth should they do about their sleeping arrangements?
Not asking for a friend.
More like what on earth were you thinking buying a tiny bed?! Some people told her to hold on, she’d get used to it. Others laughed. I practically e-screamed to this internet stranger: DO NOT PASS GO DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS… get a king sized mattress, IMMEDIATELY.
Because circa 2004, Jamin and I, in our own marriage, upgraded to a king size, after suffering like plebeians. We never. Looked. Back.
It was like an episode of MTV Cribs mated with a music video, starring us. We were crashing, slow mo into a bed of fantastical sheets and pillow fights. There were probably actual diamonds and gems bouncing on the mattress with flying hair and sparkles and lace, because I changed out of something other than a giant baggy t-shirt for 2.5 seconds. Married for two years prior, it’s like we’d never known such luxury.
Heeeey Cash Money.
Never mind that we couldn’t afford a new mattress, and in reality, this mattress was handed down from a friend. Of a friend. {Looking back, all the side eyes, but ahhhh young married love and gift horses with mouths.} This was a new existence for us.
If there’s something that Jamin and I, {Mr. and Mrs. Mills} definitely have in common, it’s that we’re compartmentalized sleepers. I’ve always been this way, so has he, and we’ve gleefully shared this in our own marriage as a camaraderie. It’s the mutual understanding because he sleeps like a 10 ft long rabid alligator on spin cycle, and I, the perpetual 500 pound octopus. On heavy tranquilizers.
As soon as my head hits the pillow for sleep, no touchy, unless you want to die. There’s a line down the middle of the bed, and there are clear boundaries a-la Peter and Bobby Brady with the tape.
When we book hotel rooms for business with the two of us, we’re absolutely thrilled if two beds are available instead of one. Talk about mixing business with pleasure, amirite?! I think it may be my goal in life to build my own master suite with two king sized beds, just for the two of us.
YES FELICIA.
Lately, I’ve really upped the sexy factor with my pillow arrangement. I invested in a nice pillow built for acid reflux and other octogenarian needs. I’m propped so high above him, that I’m on another level. I can’t even see him in the bed.
Sleeping reclined is so 2019.
And lately, as in the past nine months, Mr. Mills has adopted a rather disturbing behavior of stealing. This is quite the contrast to conscious Jamin. He swept me off my feet by doing all the sweet things. Consistent and strong, faithful and true and other sappy verbs inserted here: My love language.
I once thought he slowly rotates in said alligator position, until I’m left awake and freezing without any coverings. This must be how it’s happening. Unintentionally. Subconsciously. He just can’t help it, y’all. It should be mentioned here that I also thoroughly enjoy burrowing like a meerkat squid into said bedding. If you take it away from me, I will cut you.
But I’ve come to rest on my well-established marriage laurels, with the conclusion that this is a contrast to his real life. So it must be subconsciously resentful. There must be some intention behind it. {Me pulling out my enneagram 4 card} There’s no way he’s ‘accidentally’ removing the covers from me. It’s symbolic of some pent-up secret resentment, and we must consult a marriage/sleep therapist all at once.
Because last night, I was finally awake for the crime. And this time, I was not having it, when I realized he was actively pulling said covers off me in his sleep, on his own.
With his arms.
The AUDACITY.
For months, I’ve simply pulled the covers back to me. But over time, I’ve realized this is actually a lot of work when said larger man is coiled inside of said covers. I liken it to a full on aerobic workout in the middle of the night, complete with breaking sweat. And I’m over it.
Fighting over covers is also for plebeians, if anyone is wondering.
So I did what any sensibly grumpy, self entitled modern day mom of three would do, and woke him the freak up. I actually reached across my gigantic old people pillow fort, transgressing the line into his territory to tap him on the shoulder. This was quite the physical feat in itself :
“Do you need these covers?” I asked in a huff.
He didn’t reply with much more than a mumbled “sorry” and I felt the covers inch back my way. He knew what he was doing, once again. Shame shame.
“MINE,” I actually heard the words come from my mouth in sheer frustration while I hurled said bedding back in my direction, and settled back into my burrow.
Am I three?
So basically, if some besotted newlywed wants to know what marriage is really like almost eighteen years, three kids, three rescue dogs, {I’m sure there’s an ill-fated goldfish and turtle in there somewhere} and three mortgages in, I can pat them on the head and then point them in this direction.
Marriage is basically stealing the covers on alligator spin cycle and not touching as soon as you can afford a king-sized bed. Or insert any other weird idiosyncrasy, on repeat, here.
But through the sparkling pillow fights and angry cover wars, he’s all mine.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
And this is why my husband and I have a separate set of blankets. I have my tower of three quilts, and he has his one light weight blanket, and never the twain shall meet. #notouching
Hilarious! And YES!!!
1. What pillow is this? (I’m having the same issues) 2. I will never understand the couples that “cuddle” in bed all night long. I call it “air space” and I need it, a lot of it. Touch me and die is all I’m saying 🙂
BAAHAHA YES!
Very common in Scandinavia to have separate duvets for each person, which would solve your steal the covers issue! ! Google and you will see what I mean!
You just CHANGED MY LIFE.
You totally make me laugh… often. But this is VERY funny! 😉 I love your sense of humor (i.e., making it awkward in elevators at Haven!) 😉
HAHA! It’s self depravation at its finest, most of the time. ;}
I’m lol-ing so hard! Our pattern started on night 2 of the honeymoon. Apparently I touched the hubs accidentally in the middle of the night, and he thought ‘yay!’ and rolled over to snuggle. I immediately proceeded to take all the extra hotel pillows on the bed and create a line between us. HAHA I was totally asleep and was so confused when I woke up and there were 3 pillows creating the DMZ right down the middle of the bed. Going on 19 years now, but he knows better, so I don’t have to have a pillow wall anymore. I did finally get my own blanket though. 😉
After years of trying and no one sleeping for a solid 8, my husband and I finally gave up. We hide it from anyone and everyone, worried about what people might think, feeling guilty that we cannot manage to sleep in the same be. But….we can’t. We have a bedroom with an extra space that we created another sleeping area in. And now, we sleep well! We wake up happy and ready to tackle the day. Every so often we comment that MAYBE we should try again, but after 25 years of successful marriage, why mess with it?? 😴 vs 😡?
You are not alone!! About 10 years ago I confessed our sleeping arrangements to a close friend of mine only to find that they also have separate bed/bedrooms. Since then, I have found MANY more couples who would rather be well rested and happy rather than crank monsters every morning.
Separate beds/bedrooms doesn’t mean we don’t go visiting….😉
HAHAHA! I was woken up four times last night FOUR. I may or may not have gotten a bit snippy.
My husband and I started off in a double bed and we got a California King bed and we excited and happy! It was the best ever. Even tho he passed in 2012, I still have the California King with new mattress. Heaven!
This post is my life and I’ve been married 34 years. I like to cuddle…on a sofa, in front of a roaring fire or sweet rom com on the tv. Cuddling is not sleeping. When it’s time to sleep, I want quiet, dark, and my space. Don’t invade my space because if I lose sleep, I get cranky, very cranky. My husband cocoons with the covers. If I come back from going to the restroom in the middle of the night, I have to pull the covers out from under him to get my share back. The best advice to a young couple: The most romantic thing you can do for your marriage is to avoid sleep deprivation. Get a big bed.
Love this! I completely agree, air space is required. I actually fall asleep holding my, I mean my side of the, blanket in my clenched fists. Practically daring him to try to steal it. But, I wouldn’t have it any other way either. Keep writing, I really enjoy reading what you have to say.
Girrrrrrl!!! I’m so with you!! The king is something you can’t do without! BUT, when we moved here a couple years ago we got a new bed…a split king that is adjustable!!! 😳 I am SPOILED! 🙌 IT IS AMAZING! Remember how you thought that king was amazing?!? Multiply ✖ that by 1000!!! AH-mazing!!
Love our adjustable split queen! I like to put my feet up or my head or both. Hubby doesn’t want his to move. We like to touch so this causes a tiny problem. But I don’t always do this. He’s definitely a keeper!
Wow! You just described us. But for twenty-six years we’ve shared a queen sized bed and I never even considered separate blankets. I’m definitely considering it now. Thanks, Allison!
Sadly, our bedroom is too small for a king bed. Thanks for another fun read, Ashley!
This is so fantastic. As I was reading this I worried I would wake up my sleeping children from laughing so much! You need to write a novel. In the wise words of Dwight Schrute, “Do it. Do it now. Five four three two…”
This made me laugh so hard!!! HAHAHA have to love The Office. Thanks for your sweet support. ;}
Ahahahahaha! This one made me laugh so hard. My hubby and I (of 22ish years) share a Queen Size bed and we share covers. This works out brilliantly in the winter when our bedroom is a cool 60 degrees and I’m FREEZING. Having his back up against mine is so comforting, so warm, like the perfect hot-water bottle against my lower back. Plus, he lets me warm my freezing feet on him (if that’s not a sign of true love, I don’t know what is).
But the summer is A DIFFERENT STORY altogether. In our non-air-conditioned-bedroom he is not allowed to touch me, or my pillow, or anything on my side of the bed because otherwise he’ll make it WARM and then — ew. ew. ew. — SWEATY.
We got a queen bed after 15 years of marriage – we upgraded from a double – and both of us are large people! I hate when we have to get a king bed at a hotel! In a king bed I have to travel waa-a-y across the bed to be near my sweetie. We touch going to sleep and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and we are holding hands. I snuggle against him to warm up or put my cold feet against him. I may wake up to go to the bathroom and his arm is across me . I guess it works; we’ve been married 47 years!
This is me and my husband, for sure. Coming up on eight years married, and he still rolls into a hubby burrito of blankets and accuses me of sleeping like a starfish.
Love reading the comments ! Coming up on 20 years of marriage in a queen size bed, I have always had my own blanket as I like to cocoon myself and he wraps himself burrito style. We have recently been talking about a king size bed (it’s a big investment and then you have to buy new sheets etc.) There are many nights where his snoring drives me to sleep on the couch… I do wish I had my own room on those nights !
It’s so encouraging to hear you say this! I’ve always thought my hubby and I were unromantic for sleeping on our sides of the beds! But it is what we like and works for us too.
Haha! You’re not alone!!!
We have seperate rooms now due to snoring. Sanctioned sleep overs on the weekend mornings for snuggling. I can’t believe my luck! And my room is now all pretty and the blankets are ALL MINE!