Be present every day via
I decided to take the leap, and had Lasik surgery on March the 8th.
I’d wanted this procedure for about five years now. I dreamed of being able to see. There must be nothing better in the entire world than to wake up and just see, I thought to myself. This was the self-proclaimed answer to my contacts/glasses/legally blind/woe-is-me-first-world-problems-riddled existence. I was ready. Let’s do this.
As life would have it, Lasik is called surgery for a reason, so it wasn’t a walk in the park like I thought it would be. I mean, I’ve had three children so I consider myself a bit of a veteran, wearing my badges of honor just like any other rational woman of the sisterhood. We all know there’s nothing more fun than fondly trading our favorite battle stories. From wilted lady bits to the consumption of poo by the offspring … Go for the glory in gore or go home. But this, my dear comrades, was an entirely different ball game. The next day when I opened my eyes in grandiose expectations of perfect vampire vision in high def (my amazement merely suppressed by my thirst for the blood of a local mountain lion)… I realized everything was a gigantic blur.
Two days post surgery, when everything was worse and I was kind of miserable and the doctor put a contact in my eye (without first explaining to the girl who had been bound to them for the majority of her life that this was only a temporary bandage so the scarring in my cornea could heal) I burst into a flood of tears in his office. I sputtered and I wailed about how I needed to see because I couldn’t even function. It was lots of awkward fun letting a complete stranger listen to my drama. And the icing on my self pity cake, was that my entire family was sitting in the car outside waiting on me with fevers and strep throat. They had to drive me to the appointment and there they sat, miserable in the parking lot. I felt like a helpless loser.
So Imagine your vision as one big blur. Like when you first wake up in the morning, before anything comes into focus and you have giant cloudy vision with massive eye boogers in your eye. Now hold it there for about seven days. That was what I saw, with ridiculously slow improvement. I was a giant eye booger.
I set up camp on the sofa, while I waited to become functional again. What does one do when they can’t see? No movies to watch and distract. No books to read and occupy.
Mills, pity party of one. I was the guest of honor. Waiting.
I think you learn a lot about yourself when you go through something that should be simple, but suddenly becomes really complicated. When you lose something you didn’t even know you’d taken for granted in the first place. Something that shouldn’t be such a big deal. I just assumed I’d never taken my sight for granted, because I needed contacts to see. Therefore, I appreciated it. Apparently, I was very wrong.
When I lost my sight, I literally lost my focus.
I know there are bigger problems in the world, but this was my reality. I was frightened and confused and worried. I was so busy fidgeting and fussing and angsting over it all… My self pity magnified by focusing obsessively on everything I was falling behind on: From the laundry that wouldn’t do itself, and the work I needed to accomplish I was a giant grump bucket stress ball.
I was too focused on the negative to rest like I was supposed to so I could recover.
At some point in my sofa tirade, probably around day three, Emerson climbed into my lap and fell asleep. She smelled like baby soap and laundry and she twitched in small ways while she dreamed. I wondered when the last time was that I simply sat with her and was still. I didn’t play on my phone. I certainly didn’t watch TV. I didn’t check my messages. I didn’t fret over what I wasn’t doing. I just listened to her breathe. There’s nothing better in this world than a sleeping child. They’re so carefree.
And I was still.
I appreciated that moment for what it was. Not what it should be. Not what it could be. I realized I struggle… endlessly struggle with letting go.
At first, I thought this experience was all about the simple act of being grateful.
But the more I waited, I realized this experience was so much more than that.
It taught me about patience.
It taught me thankfulness.
But mostly, this process taught me a lot about being still.
It was a lesson I needed to learn in a way only I could experience.
I stay busy. We stay busy. And when I’m not busy, I fret over what I should be doing. I’m like a squirming puppy who can’t settle down.
Stop the glorification of busy via
I hate that word. I really do. {While we’re covering the bases, the word dream house also gives me involuntary twitches. They kind of go right up there in the Comic Sans category for me.}
People ask me what I’ve been up to when we make small talk, and it’s the always the same for both parties. We’re busy. Sometimes, I can’t even put a finger on it… this trite, stereotypical word we use to describe our lives. Parenthood is tough. This time of year always sends me into a tailspin. There are gifts to buy, parties to attend, things to take care of, projects to finish, events to volunteer for, family stuff, and for the love of all things holy… endless mountains of laundry to fold.
I’m barely scratching the surface, aren’t I?
This is something I truly struggle with, smack dab in the middle a society that has wound us up to feel that way. I am a chihuahua on a treadmill. I’m concerned about our future so I’m working hard. Do the daily grind! Keep up and achieve and participate and strive… and be all that we need to be! Even scaling back and simplifying seems exhausting…
I’m most disturbed to find the source of all these little voices coming from within. And I am that squirming puppy who needs to take a deep breath, and settle in her master’s arms. He’s got this.
People wait all their lives for happiness via
Malone has this cute little row of three freckles coming in on his nose, and he wrinkles it when he sputters out his belly laughs with his tongue pressed to the back of his teeth. Emerson has big brown inquisitive eyes and asks really hard questions, constantly. She graduates from preschool today and hums the songs under her breath, practicing them when she thinks no one else is listening. She’s so excited. And Aiden amazes me daily with the pureness of his heart. He never speaks badly about anyone, and is always so thoughtful. If there’s a prize to be had, he insists on picking something for his brother and sister, too.
Forrest.
Trees.
With my head buried in Emerson’s hair, I realized I don’t want to spend all of my days pining, worrying, whining and anxiety riddled, focused on the wrong things…all the while missing out on the now.
It’s a lesson I have to learn over and over and over again. I’m the proverbial man in the mirror. I wonder if I’ll ever get it right. I find myself wanting to return to that sofa. Can we have a do over? I promise this time, I’ll learn my lesson better. I’ll be still, sooner. I’ll worry less.
I’ll breathe it in, stare it down, and turn it off . Because I don’t want to miss it. I just want to be.
Written by a friend on our car for me to find immediately after the surgery (and originally intended for a little laugh) I think I can now appreciate it’s double meaning. An experience that really confronted me with the same old lesson, in a new way.
Taking it all in. Being present. And cherishing what it is. New eyes.
Alli says
Thank. You.
Charron Ann says
Wow, you are so right! I love that even now my 8 years old still comes and sits on me. Just to keep me still… she is so wise in her young age! 🙂
Best of luck keeping those new eyes on as much as possible!
Shauna@Satori Design for Living says
Ashley, loved reading this. I helped my husband through his surgery, and I plan on doing it myself (someday). You haven’t scared me. Actually, I think I’ll be a little more prepared knowing what you’ve gone through. Thanks for putting everything into perspective. Wishing you a speedy recovery and a Happy Mother’s Day!
Diane@InMyOwnStyle says
Happy to hear that you are feeling and seeing better now. No fun having to go through complications. 🙁
It is hard finding balance in all the things we “need to do” in a day – especially as mothers raising active children. Sounds like you have found what truly matters and have taken the time to enjoy those special little moments that are so fleeting.
I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing and fun-filled Mother’s Day. XO
Sarah says
I had to have the surgery twice on one of my eyes because it didn’t take well enough… now I still need glasses 🙁 My brother had it done though & worked great for him! (He also said it was the worst pain of his life… hahahaha!)
Natasha Andriese says
What a great reminder for us all. Thank you!
Amelia says
Thank you for this beautiful post- so many great perspectives and reminders 🙂 I needed this today!!
xo
Amanda says
Sometimes it freaks me out how on point you are. I swear we must be on the same brain wave. I’ve been struggling lately with being still and not being so busy all the time. We made a big move about 8 months ago and I feel like we haven’t been still since. It’s been a great move for our family but we’ve constantly being on the go. Everything feels like it’s moving in fast forward. I get overwhelmed by it all sometimes. But it doesn’t have to be like that. I need to realize that just because there are things to do doesn’t mean that they need to be done right this second. I need to take time and just be still and enjoy the little things and my little one because soon he won’t be so little. Thank you so much for this reminder. It’s great to know that I’m not the only crazy one trying to find a balance for everything. May God bless you and yours.
Megan Brooke says
So glad you are all better now. I had lasik surgery back in college. I had a minor complication too…that of course happened in 1 and a million people (lucky us). But, everything is great now and it really is the greatest thing I’ve ever done. Being able to wake up and see is pretty awesome. 😉 Enjoy the 20/20 vision!
Tennille Mykula says
I think you speak on behalf of so many moms struggling to keep a clean house, make healthy meals, raise their children to be kind and loving citizens, help out at church functions, be a good neighbor…and the list goes on and on. Thanks for giving us a voice and reminding us to be still. After all, it is in this stillness that we are reminded that He is God, He is unshakeable, and nothing happens that he does not notice, nothing is beyond His reach.
Erika says
Wow. You’ve wrote everything I’ve been feeling lately, even though I didn’t know it until I read this. Sometimes just stoping and enjoying the “for granted” things is what I need to do.
Natalie says
Wow. Well said. I think I need to print this and reread it every morning. Seriously.
Marty Walden says
Brilliantly written. Message is spot on. Thank you.
Melissa Boyce says
Hi there, I had surgery last year on my eyes– I had PRK instead of Lasik but it’s very similar…except that my vision took about 5 weeks to come back. It SUCKED. Totally worth it, however, although I do now need to wear reading glasses (I am 43 and I guess my major near-sightedness “counteracted” the farsightedness of my old eyeballs). Anyway, great post about being able to sit back and, well, sit back. I think we as a society are programmed to go go go, and it’s killing us! Congrats on the eyes!
becca h says
Oh yikes! I also have been wanting this for many years and finally made the leap and have my initial consult on Monday and surgery scheduled for Friday! Not that your experience will be mine, but now I’m nervous again! I’m glad to hear that all is better now but I just can’t help but be nervous… Thanks for sharing your story & hopefully mine will go smoothly!!!
Cristina says
It’s always Martha vs. Mary, isn’t it? When in doubt, always choose to sit at His feet 🙂
Mary Beth Fleming says
This post “opened” my eyes! Thank you!!
xoxo
Peggy says
Thank you !
Deborah says
I’m sorry to hear that the eye surgery didn’t go quite as you had hoped. I had Lasik on both eyes 11 years ago and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. After 20 years of contacts and glasses, it is a joy to wake up and be able to see clearly.
And thank you for the reminder about the beauty of being ‘still’. Having 4 energetic boys that make for a chaotic house, I find it is far too easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day craziness. I think for Mother’s Day I’m going to give myself the gift of enjoying the ‘here and now’.
Tanya says
Thank you for such an honest, lovely post. I spent too many years in a hurry, and always thinking things would be perfect then I would be happy. WRONG. I am more happy in my imperfect, flawed body and life than ever when I just started enjoying everything good. The negative is still there, but loses it’s hold on you and seems to shrink quite a bit when joy is chosen.
Thank you again!
xo, Tanya
Naomi W. says
“Be still and know that I am God”. We all need this continual reminder. Thanks for your deep words. I always appreciate your insight.
Allison says
I am so sorry you had such a bad lasik experience. I had my eyes done in 1999 and it was the best decision I ever made. I hated my contacts and my glasses.
Gilit says
What a wonderful wonderful post. I fret about fretting! It’s so hard to get perspective and then sometimes I do …and then I lost it again between the who’s driving to daycare, did I remember to change the doctor’s appointment, this mood board isn’t ready yet, did Aiden eat enough vegetables.
Thanks for reminding me to take a moment and enjoy the ride 🙂
Mel O says
That’s what I hate about doctors – if you don’t ask, they don’t tell!!! But they charge you the earth for their ‘consults’, and we are supposed to know what to ask!?
Erin @ Two Story Cottage says
I swear this summer I am going to be unhurried. But I think the computer has to be put away to make that happen. Stuff to ponder.
Glad your eyes are getting there!! Otherwise I would have come to Alabama to be your seeing eye person.
🙂 Erin
Laura @ Finding Home says
Thanks for sharing Ashley – there is something for us all to learn in your lessons – thank you!
gina says
What a lovely post. You’ve given me my daily meditation this morning during my quiet time (husband has left for work, dog has been let out, and monkey boy still sleeps! Yay! Coffee uninterrupted.) I, too, was in the 5 percent. I made the silly choice to have my LASIK just 3 months after the little man was born. I thought it would help with nighttime feedings etc. Instead I was juggling eye shields and eye drops and couldn’t see for about a week! It was a very hard time. And no one understood. I wish I had pushed the pause button and had the clarity (pun?) to see it as the opportunity it was. But I think I was too freaked out and sleep deprived to do so. So thanks for the hindsight! (pun again?!) Glad you’re feeling better!
Bee says
This one hits home. Thank you for sharing with another mom and fellow squirming puppy who can not settle down.
Brie says
Ashley,
I have been reading/enjoying your site for about a year now. Most everything you write is so familiar, I feel like I could have written it. This post in particular was amazing! I truly needed this, needed to read this and be reminded to be in the moment. I too, am “busy”, 3 kids (twin boys). I realize how trivial that word seems now. You made me cry and laugh. Thank you for all you do!!!
You are a blessing to all of the moms out there needing support or kind encouragement.
hugs,
Brie