I’ll totally bounce on the bouncy house, eat aaaalllll of the candy when they’re not looking despite my best efforts at self control… {candy tax, suckas} and we’ll probably turn the house into ‘Harry Potter World’ all in the name of Halloween this year. It’s one of our fam’s very favorite holidays, which basically makes us inherently evil or something.
But this time around, I must confess, I’m feeling quite disturbed by the abrupt discovery of things that just don’t rock my world anymore. That, and we’re drowning in a rehab. I don’t think we even realized it was almost Halloween until the kids reminded us, and we jumped on Amazon and ordered some costumes last week. Maybe I’m drawing the line somewhere for the sake of all of our sanity as a reformed creativeaholic. I’m reeling it in, y’all.
I don’t know when, but I woke up one morning and just felt a bit too, um… lacking in the spritely department to be bothered. Oh wait. Maybe that’s just my sanity I’m preserving. I’m calling it like it is, so without further ado, things I’m too old for {in the parental department} this Halloween:
exhibit a of losing my mind: Blanket stitching.
1. To fuss over all. of. the costumes.
All of the handmade, blanket-stitched, made-from-scratch costumes.
Once upon a time, it was my passion. I had such a blast doing it. {I applaud anyone who does} Babies are basically cuddly sacks of potatoes and I was merely reveling in the moment while we had a good run. When they were younger, it was like they weren’t sleeping, so let’s up the crazy factor to another notch {even though I can’t sew} and make something that showcases how adorable the offspring are. It all makes perfect sense, yes?
When we added Emerson to our sprog collection, is when the whole coordinate-all-the-things-o-ramma began, and the kids have chosen their coordinating costumes every year since… It’s a total Mills trad. Even though we’ve given them many an out. I keep thinking this will be our last year for matching costumes, even if they do put their own spin on it, then lo and behold… we let them pick, and they’re game. Seriously, I was surprised yet again this year.
But back to the whole hand sewn thing: Efforts waning, reality settled in.
I quickly learned the hard way that we were just one romp {and juicy ketchup covered hotdog} on the moonwalk at our local Fall Festival away from catastrophe. It’s all fun and games until something rips, because before you know it, I’m knocking a hoard of bouncing, sock-footed kids out of the way and diving slow-mo for a feather that was dropped from Peter Pan’s hat in the middle of the giant bouncy house all in the name of preservation. It must be worn twice! Was once the mantra of the season. And feathers are important, after all.
I’m pretty sure I form-tackled another parent, and a three year old stepped on my face. Twice. True story.
Today, I’m one step away from buying three white sheets and adding eyeholes a-la Charlie Brown, because I think we need to bring back the classics. I’m pretty sure my parents threw a plastic bib and Cookie Monster mask from the local Piggly Wiggly over my face for a good nights’ fun, circa 1981. I mean, Halloween back then was pretty creepy. And low maintenance.
We’re all just lucky we still exist if we’re from that generation, because those aforementioned cookie monster eye holes were not to today’s standard of safety, and they were probably made from non-organic plastic or something. Also, I may have some form of asbestos plastic inhalation disease. It coordinated nicely with our hot metal playground slides and tetanus merry go rounds. YOLO.
We should all totally sue our parents.
I’ve wisened up over time, and you can slowly see my efforts start to wane, as soon as the offspring moved too much. The audacity. I’ve decided if I want to sew something, I must spend time directly proportional to the amount of possible damage it will receive, and then decide if it’s still worth the effort. A good test would be to run over it about five times in the driveway. After dousing it in ungodly amounts of Hawaiian Fruit punch, smeared snickers bars and a dash of Nerds. Maybe a little dog poop for extra fun because by the end of the night they’ll also be donning a mystery smell. The answer will always be no.
Fast forward to 2016, and see me, looking for simple ideas a-la Walmart, except I’ve officially upped the anté of efficiency, and gone Amazon.com regarding all orders. Because A. I’m lazy and B. Walmart.
This is current me patting my old self on the head. How cute.
No, but really.
I gotta say the photo ops were worth it.
And my kids will probably sue me for taking them.
2. Things that look like body parts.
Particularly of the food genre. And eating them. At parties.
Y’all. I can barely wash dishes in standing water because food floats and it will inevitably touch your hand. First world probs and stuff, but I’m truly convinced that we can still conserve water while using the running variety to clean said dishes. Baths are on the same level. They’ve always freaked me out because I was basically cooking in my own filth, and if I think about it too long, I will regress. Welcome to my issues.
Eating food from someone else’s house always comes with the risk of finding a hair, just trusting that their cat wasn’t on the counter while it was prepped, and assuming they washed their hands after touching their toe cheese. The things we take for granted.
So, I find that eating a cookie while trying not to pretend it’s the toe of a vampire, or a werewolf’s eyeball, is the visual needed to send this germaphobe over the top when it comes to party spreads of the potluck genre. Especially from massive unknown sources. It just takes the formidable possibilities to a whole new level, and I can no longer ignore the over-thinker within.
So, when did prepping it all to look like dismembered body parts become a thing? I don’t remember that when I was little. I recall the adorable variety of pumpkin shaped goodies from my days of yore, not eyeball soup, brain matter cupcakes and ingrown toenail cookies. Nasty, y’all.
I’m too old for a sugar hangover, let alone muscling my way through the gag reflex all in the name of a polite swig of eyeball juice at our fiftieth Halloween partay. Wheeee!
{Emmy was crying because she didn’t want to wear her tutu. That pretty much sums up my life.}
{But seriously, stop growing}
3. Scary Movies
Bring on Freddy, Jason and all things chainsaw scary, because once upon a time, I was absolutely obsessed with them. The creepier the better, and even into my adult years, I would fearlessly schedule movie dates with my friends and we would go out for a good old fashioned scream fest.
But then something happened.
It’s all fun and games until your husband is out of town and you find a hairnet on your dresser. I pull the kids into the bed with me because… duh. They get scared, and I’m just being a good mom.
Shhhhh.
I can’t decide if it’s because I don’t have time to be stressed over fake situations, or I’m lacking the sheer energy to make it through scary scenes. I probably just reworded the same problem twice. It’s too taxing on my delicate parental senses. The Walking Dead is still one of our faves and I do find myself oddly obsessed with all things zombie apocalypse but I believe it’s because we must all be prepared.
Let’s be honest… I would totally be the first to go, but not because someone ate my brains. From anxiety attacks.
Last year, the kiddos had a hard time topping their HP coordination. I mean, does it get any better than Harry Potter and Hedwig? So here we are {with our new little additions, because it really just makes us miss our girl Chloe} in honor of continuing the tradition. Princess Leia was captured by Bobba and Jango Fett, but she was able to take control of the situation again with the help of Yoda and Chewbacca. They were like, super helpful.
So… I won’t be watching scary movies when the kids go to bed this year, because my Facebook feed is frightening enough. Nowadays, I get my daily dose of anxiety from the latest Isis/Ebola/Walmart incident, thankyouverymuch. It’s like a first come, first serve in an all you can eat buffet of daily news stories and all things real-life scary.
And apparently now we have clowns.
The struggle is real, and in five years you may find me living in a bunker. With a lady beard.
If old means not eating hairy toenail cookies, then call me Betty White. {Dude, I totally hope I’m as awesome as BW when I’m older. Probs not.} Rips and tears, and food obsessions be darned, we hope you have a blast this Halloween. We will… despite my borderline obsessive germaphobe paranoia tendencies.
It’s how you stay alive, after all.
And we thought that surely last year was the last year. We gave them an option, but lo and behold…
What can I say? They really like Star Wars, and this year they went with the next generation.
Even if Rigby’s costume is too big…
And Fitz’s too small.
No, Emerson’s face.
Fitz just looks confused… Rigby knows not to move. And ya can’t see the boys faces, though I’m sure they were epic.
Cheers to letting our kids pick whatever they want to be… and rolling with it.
Hope you guys have a blast and a safe time this Halloween, no matter what avenue you choose! Enjoy your scary movies, ingrown toenail cupcakes and amazing homemade costume concoctions!
You can see more of the deats {and how tos} from ghosts of Halloweens past here! {This year = amazon = winning. Even if Rigby’s Yoda ears were sized for a chihuahua.}
PSSST… Just wanted to share these one more time while they’re still relevant –
Don’t forget about our free Halloween printables… here!
Our DIY Halloween Totes
quick Halloween shirts here
And our fall home tour this year. If you haven’t seen this one, it’s worth the hop over ;}
Have an inspired day!
Janet says
A much needed belly laugh this morning. So true! The older I get, the more cautious I’ve become- there’s something about becoming a parent. Thank you for this!
Debra says
Halloween has become overwhelming! Just put out a pumpkin, buy a costume for the kids, send Dad out trick or treating with kids, make a pot of chili, and turn on the front light. All the interior decor stuff is more for the decorating madness we share than it is for the kids. Let’s save that madness for our grand finale…Christmas!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Haha! That’s my kind of Halloween! Amen.
Kris P says
Yup. Carve the pumpkin, Amazon prime costume and $20 bucks shot on the Good candy. I deserve the good stuff!
Valerie Mitchell says
Thanks for making me smile this morning!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA glad I could help! Clearly I have issues ;}
Shelley | Crazy Wonderful says
It’s like you’re inside my head! We could easily be paranoid sisters separated at birth 😀
Elisabeth says
Ha! I love the costumes and making them though I haven’t had Halloweed plans in a few years and well, have no kids (and I do sew so there’s that). But I am SO with you on the body-part shaped food. What is that?! So gross! And the other thing I could do without is all the gore-decorations. Like I saw this set of wall/floor decals at Target that were no joke bloody foot and hand-prints. Um, not ok. There are indeed enough terrible, awful things happening in this world and I certainly don’t think we need to decorate like we’ve experienced one of them! Scary is one thing but blood-bath is another. PS Your kids are totally adorable no matter what they are/are not wearing!
Rach says
Too funny becasie I’m the exact same way with all of this! (And my 9 year old is going as hermione and I said “cut off your dads old church shirt”) and that is basically the extent of the costume this year.
We are also headed to a potluck tomorrow where I will be eating before hand as usual. : )
Happy Halloween to your fam! Cute kids in their costumes…
Rach says
Everything about this post is SO true. Thanks for the laughs…
Kara says
My friends think I’m a little nutty and maybe I am. It starts to feel as if we are the only family that does this. There are four kids in our family. This year (after three years of convincing) my second daughter finally agreed to the TMNT. Four kids, four turtles. Totally meant to be. We’ve done Sesame Street, Scooby Doo, and Star Wars to name a few. Some years the costumes are more intense than others. Doing a gat job, keep it up.
Bonnie C says
OMG ONE OF THE PUPS IS CHEWBACCA I CANNOT EVEN HANDLE IT EXCUSE ME WHILE I HYPERVENTILATE IN THE CORNER
ErinY says
Love that you get the dogs involved! I may or may not have bought a wig for our girl dog to be Tina from Bob’s Burgers this year…I have no shame.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Amazing.
[email protected] says
This is so good. But, as the ‘old fart’ of the group, I sat here saying to myself, OMG…look how much those kids have grown up!”
Truly: what.is.wrong.with.me ?
I just pray for a not-too-cold, and rain-less Halloween. That’s all I ask for.
Cheers,
Michael
ashley @ the handmade home says
Nothing! That’s the dad in you. I think the same thing when I look at progressive pics of kids. ;} It makes me sad! And happy all at once. ;} Hope you guys have a wonderful Halloween!
rose l. says
You held in there longer than I did. I used to create a graveyard in my front yard, but have not done so for many years.
Bonnie says
Your kids dressed up in theme costumes are just adorable! Thanks so much for sharing.
Susan says
You crack me up. All. The. Time! I cannot eat, nor understand the creepy food.
When Chloe’s picture came up my heart sank. I went through the same loss you had with her a year before. You just never get over that one special dog. No matter how much you love the next one (s) it’s just not the same.
Enjoy your Halloween!