things we want our college student to know before he leaves home

What took me by surprise the most this year, and maybe hit the hardest, wasn’t in the big momentous, celebratory occasions as I thought they’d be. They were in the things that passed me by unexpectedly but then knocked the breath right out of me a little, in a poignant, bittersweet realization. I thought I would know it when you took your last test. When I tucked your last note into your lunch as you went off to school. When you pulled out of the driveway after telling me goodbye for your final day. Instead, I realized it all after the fact. Just like when I stopped rocking you with a final bedtime story. When I stopped buckling you in because you could do it yourself. And when I picked you up for the last time. 

Your little sister came into our room a few nights ago, asking if you’re really leaving. There were unexpected tears. I don’t think it’s even really hit your younger siblings yet. 

But it’s onward, just as it should be. Even if it hurts a little. 

On your ninth birthday, we wrote our “halfway there” post to you. We still share it occasionally on your birthday because it’s one of our favorites. You graduated yesterday. You leave the nest in August, and the day before your birthday is officially move-in day, which feels especially heart-wrenching. There have been parties and ceremonies, gatherings and celebrations. We are filled with so many emotions it’s hard even to name them all. We have so many wishes for you in this life, and we can’t wait to see what you do. The future is so very, very bright for this sweet baby boy who has grown into a young man. This is the part where we hope we’ve taught you enough, holding our collective breath as we release you into the world. And there are some we really want you to remember. Here are a few very real, practical things we want you to know, before you leave for college. 

People say these are the best 4 years of your life, but they’re not; they are four, {maybe five} incredibly amazing years that you will, hopefully, absolutely love. They’ll change you in ways you can’t yet understand, and they will give you memories for a lifetime. They’re years that will form you and launch you into the adult you will become. But your life isn’t downhill when they’re done. So, don’t feel anxious when, at first, they don’t feel like the best years. You may feel homesick at times, or out of your element. That’s completely normal. 

When they don’t feel like amazing years at first, that’s okay. It’s a new place, and learning and finding your place in it takes time. You’re growing as a person in multiple ways. Don’t run away from the awkward newness; embrace it. Put yourself out there and remember every year and situation is what you make of it.

Your education is also what you make of it. We looked at all the colleges and tried out everything, choosing the school that felt right for you, and we couldn’t be happier with your choice. Even though you didn’t pick our alma mater, we hope you always live by its creed: “I believe that this is a practical world and that I can count only on what I earn. Therefore, I believe in work, hard work.”

Your education is truly what you decide to do with it. College is a privilege not to be taken for granted. That means work hard, and you won’t regret it. Study. It’s really in your hands. You won’t always like the classes you’re taking; no one ever has; just get through them. Get to your major. We promise once you settle into what you love, it will feel right. But never forget your education. What you do with it is truly up to you, not anyone else. Making that commitment now will help set up the rest of your life. It’s what you’re there for, after all.

Be intellectually curious. Mr. Finley, one of your favorite teachers, was quoted at graduation last night. He said what we’ve  been telling you and your siblings for years: In fact, of all the graduation things, his quote is the one thing that brought tears to my, your dad’s, eyes.

“Passionate curiosity is more valuable than raw intellect. It is rarer and ultimately the engine of progress.”  – Mr. Finley

We hope we have taught you that being smart will only take you so far, but being intellectually curious will take you to places you’ve never dreamed of.

Go to class—not because you always need the information, but because it makes an impression. Let the professors know who you are. Sit towards the front. Go to class—always. And visit your professors. Take advantage of their office hours. They have a wealth of knowledge they want to invest in you. Develop relationships with them; you never know when that will be beneficial.

Read the syllabus. I, your dad, once got an A in a class from simply reading the syllabus. You never know what gems they might hide in it. 

Don’t go to class just to learn or to impress your teachers; go to make friends and connect with your peers. You won’t regret it. These are the people you will learn and grow with. These are the people who will teach you so much about life and yourself and you never know when one of those connections will pay dividends in your future. Trust us, your future self will thank your present self. 

We always told you to “find your passion,” and we still believe in that, but maybe we’ve been communicating it incorrectly because discovering your passion happens in steps. When it comes to avenues of study, try out the things that pique your interest. I, your mom, had a friend convince me to take an art class my sophomore year, and the rest is history. You never know what you will absolutely fall in love with and where it will lead. It really is a process of finding yourself. The cliché is true. 

Get involved. Try out new clubs and organizations. Go to student centers. Meet people. Embrace where you are. Remember, these years are truly what you make of them. We can’t emphasize this enough. They can be some of the best four years of your life. Note that I said some of. Again, I assure you that you have many more amazing years ahead of you. But enjoy where you are now. This is probably the only time in your life you will only have to worry about just you. Try to enjoy the precious present. 

Be courteous to your roommates, and keep your space clean. That means cleaning up after yourself. Put your dishes away. Pick your socks up out of the common area. Clean up your own room regularly. Keep it neat. No one likes a sloppy roommate. Trust us. Self-awareness is a rare commodity. And this applies to more than just cleanliness. 

But above all, remember roommates {and friends} are human too; they make mistakes and can be annoying just like you, {as can their girlfriends}. Give them grace, and always assume the best, even if that assumption is wrong.

Since we’re on the practical side… Common sense goes a long way. Remember to clean the lint from the dryer every time you use it, and dishwasher detergent only in the dishwasher. NOT hand soap. Remember to remove your laundry as soon as possible so that your roommates can access what they need. Read: Don’t let it sit for days. Don’t assume that a kitchen drain has a garbage disposal until you confirm it. And never pour wax down drains. Also, hot tea poured directly into an ice pitcher to make sweet tea will explode. Let it cool first. Grease fires can not be put out with water but smothered with any solid substance. Yes, these are things we have both witnessed in our own college years. Common sense goes a long way. 

Try to eat one green thing a day. You’re on a meal plan and have an apartment with a fridge. We will send you all the goodies, but try to eat one green thing and keep a balance with your food intake. You’ll feel better as a whole physically, mentally and emotionally. Salads. Veggies. Fruits too. It’s all about balance. 

Move your body. You enjoy working out now, so don’t stop. Cardio and weights. Most people would kill for that incredible gym you now have access to, so move that body for your mental and physical health. Go with friends. Make it a thing. And above all else, enjoy that waterslide. 

Be cautious and wise about what you put out on the internet. Things can be taken out of context. It never goes away. No one has ever won an argument on it, and you won’t be the first. Always write/post as though it will be read/watched by anyone and then shared with anyone. Especially your future employers. But more importantly, live your life so that you don’t have to worry about that. Integrity is everything. 

Next year, it will be tempting to participate or do certain things for a laugh. And we get it; we did our fair share of dumb things, but thankfully, you still had to go to a computer lab to use the computer, and cameras weren’t on phones; we were lucky. But think twice, maybe three times, before you join in on something. Again, things can be taken out of context. Use discernment.

Surround yourself with good people. You’re very smart, but we hope you’re never the smartest of your friends. You’re amazingly kind, but we hope someone is always kinder, and you’re incredibly brave, yet we hope there is always someone braver. Choose to surround yourself with people that will pull you up, not drag you down. Learn from the talents and gifts of others. It’s how you grow. 

Diversify Your Friendships. It can be easy to settle into what’s comfortable as soon as you’re there. But we can’t urge you enough to keep meeting people. You never know what you can learn from a new friend. Or who you’ll meet. 

Be safe; you’re going to live in an outdoor playground near your campus with white water rafting, camping and more. It’s what we love about UTC and it’s one of the reasons you chose it. Never take for granted the power of nature. Follow all safety precautions. That’s not unmanly; it’s just plain smart. Don’t feel afraid to say no to an experience you’re not equipped for.

Take it slow, especially romantically. It’s not your job to “fulfill” someone or make them happy. You’re not someone’s missing heart; that’s not love. Protect your heart and be cautious in that arena. As I, your dad, have always told you, girls are trouble and money, that is, until you find the right one. Your mom agrees. Work on yourself first, and know who you are. Listen to your friends; they will be brutally honest about whether it is a good relationship or not, and if you doubt them, ask your brother or, especially, your sister. And, of course, we’re always in your corner as well.

Always open the door. Always be a gentleman. Always always always be considerate and be aware of consent, even if it’s just simple physical contact like holding hands. This post is not the place to go into detail because we always talk about it with you, but respect and open communication with others, always.  

Alcohol makes you stupid. Period. It affects your brain growth when you’re still developing, and you’re doing that until about 25, if not later. We’re not going to pretend like it just won’t happen. Know that it weakens connections between brain areas that regulate emotional and cognitive functioning. Society likes to hinge it on morals or the law with a nice side of downright denial but those don’t hold up in real life, so let’s the smart with the bottom line. We’re not naive. People under the influence can not think straight. It’s a recipe for disaster, so be mindful of situations you will encounter in life that involve this. Be safe, mindful, and smart. It’s you and your body. Protect it. 

Remember to walk away. We live in a society full of anger and people who are a little unhinged, especially when alcohol is involved. ALWAYS, and I mean always, walk away from a confrontation. It simply isn’t worth it. Your dignity, self-worth, and masculinity are not tied up in what they or anyone there in the moment, thinks. Your future and health are not worth it.

Be safe when you’re out. Stay in groups. Pay attention to your friends. We know you’ll make good decisions, but you’re also human. Also, Uber is not just your friend but actually required. 

You have a knack for looking out for others, which is one of your superpowers. You always have. Please continue to be thoughtful and inclusive. We love this about you.

Boundaries are equally important. You’re allowed to have them with everyone. Even us. Especially us. 

Keep your head on a swivel. Just because you’re male, doesn’t mean people won’t take advantage of you. Be aware. Listen to your gut. Those instincts are there for a reason.

Always call us, whenever you want. Call us if you want to talk. Call us if there’s a problem. Call us just to hear our voices. We can be there at a moment’s notice, and we have others who can be there when we can’t. Nothing is ever too much. We are your safe space and always will be. Nerd alert: Psychology today did a study showing that speaking to moms on the phone increased oxytocin in teens and decreased cortisol. We will always hold you to a higher accountability because we believe in you and are in your corner, but you’re always safe with us.

You are so very loved. These will be some great years in your life; soak them up, enjoy them, and make great friendships and memories. It’s a bittersweet interlude because there will be a definite void in our home, our hearts, and in our every day next year. But we know this is the next beautiful, exciting step for you. We are so very proud of you and truly enjoy seeing the man you are becoming. We are thrilled to vicariously live with you through this adventure!