I’m here before you with sweaty palms and a lowered head while I move my feet awkwardly in a way likened to that of a three year old. Who just broke your favorite vase handed down through generations that your grandmother’s aunt’s sister gave you on your sixteenth birthday. Because today, I have a truth to share with all of you: {deep breath}
I drive a minivan.
There. I said it. In fact, we both drive said minivan. We fight over dibs, actually. It’s like this dirty little secret we have and practically the best thing that ever happened to us. Jamin mumbles, “Going to the store” on his way out the door, and I respond with a curious, “What car are you taking?”
And he’s all, “The van. DUH.”
He usually returns about five hours later when it was “just a trip to the store” and I have no idea where he went. I’m pretty sure he pulls into the parking lot of Krispy Kreme and climbs into the back with a dozen donuts and a movie. This is after perusing Costco for about three of said five hours and creeping on all the free food samples.
Kind of like me and my long drawn out bath escapes, so no judging. But for the record, the least he could do is share the ‘hot now’ donuts.
I’m on to you, Jamin.
When I tell people about our dirty little secret who don’t know me well, there’s one of two reactions:
A. You drive a minivan?! ME TOO!? Aren’t they the BEST!? Cue the secretive minivan club dorkfest handshake with snazzy music in the background, likened to that of the parent trap a-la Lindsay Lo {before you know, all the fame stuff happened}.
B. They stare at me a little. Probably because I just did the Lindsay Lo inspired parent trap dance, and I’m a legit fo real grown woman. {At least… I think I am. Most of the time. Legit and grown = easily interchanged adjectives here.}
It’s almost like I have something weird in my teeth and we’re on our first date and they’re just not sure how to tell me in a way that won’t hurt my feelings. I guess I don’t strike people as a minivan mom? I kind of thought I was redefining it or something. Whatever that means? Because I’m self important like that. Wheeee!
I get it. Some of you have your limits. Motherhood is hard enough, and minivans may be pushing you over the edge, and before you know it you’ve got the soccer magnets with a 1985 momcut/perm combo, along with a nice side order of acid washed jeans with a font-to-back wedgie of the likes to make Kelly Kapowski jealous.
Ahhh, you may say. The eternal debate that is the minivan. And becoming a parent. The internal struggle that is fighting the urge, giving in, and then feeling a little like a stereotype. But we say yay stereotypes! As soon as number two came in the offspring department, as in, she was barely making a bump, we were the parents who were all too eager to trade in the college SUV and switch over to something a bit more practical, family friendly, and let’s face it: luxury on wheels.
Hello automatic doors?! Hello my sanity with three kids and groceries. I think the only other car to have that, is the DeLorean DMC-12. And if you drive that, then you can go back in time and warn yourself about the entire stereosuburbanite situation in the first place, so clearly you’re missing out.
But I have to say, stereotypes and all sarcasm aside, there’s a true stigma that comes with it all. It’s a little bit of death by minivan, if you will. And by death, I mean forever life altering ten year aging ego destroyer. Death just sounded better.
Over the years we’ve been faced with a couple of glaringly honest truths:
Truth no. 1. Selfies in a minivan are not hot.
You can pretend all you want. But they’re still selfies. As parents. In a minivan.
And if you drive a minivan, no one checks you out anymore. Once upon a time, I was the college girl in the south who prided herself in being honked at by various drivers in check out mode as I passed them. Don’t laugh We’ve all been there for a little boost in the ego department in those single days. At least I think they were checking me out. Maybe they were just telling me to drive better? Anyway, I’m kind of to the age where if I were to visit a college, people won’t mistake me for a kid, and they probably call me “ma’am”. So scary. Because we can fight the stereotypes all we want but at the end of the day, minivans scream parenthood.
As does my exhausted face.
We feel like a little bit of a buzzkill when we’re out for a night of fun sans kids, with our friends.
See: valet parking. See: hot cars pulling up and swanky dresses. See: our minivan.
No, that actually happened recently because we actually left the house, went to dinner, and went to a ball. We. Were. Rocking it.
I think a good movie scene in slow mo where people are actually surprised that the parents still look good when exiting a minivan would be nice, and totally do us justice. We minivan drivers catch such a bad wrap in all things society, after all. And by “look good” I mean I decided to shower and not wear yoga pants. Maybe I had paint on my fingernails. Maybe not. Because in our little bubble of a denial world, we still got it.
Truth no. 2. Other drivers are the enemy. Not us. Them.
But they think it’s us. We have a giant target on our back likened to that of “Baby on Board” bumper stickers. It screams please torture me, I’m driving a minivan so that makes me perpetually slow and inept.
They’re hostile, I tell you. And road ragey.
If you think I’m kidding, try driving a minivan for a week. It’s the car equivalent of people changing their looks and capturing it on camera. I’m all citizen’s arrest! In my best high pitched redneck voice, practically throwing a blue blinking light on the top of my car a-la Barney Fife when the next driver cuts me off. Because it happens. Like, all the time.
Someone gave me the finger the other day with a car load of kids. After he cut me off! Do people still do that? Because it felt a bit dated in the insults department. I thought they stopped doing that in the early 90’s, but that puppy stayed in the air for what felt like a good ten minutes. I honked my horn, and as a result, I got the finger. I can’t make mean dirty evil rage induced gestures back because duh, I’m a southern lady and really it’s because did I mention I had a car full of kids? Also, this is how people die. So all the kids, including the ones who weren’t mine, asked me what that meant. That made a great story later for their parents.
That’s what I get for driving a minivan. And honking while in it. Basically, that’s what I get for existing.
He’s just pointing at the sky, y’all! He saw an airplane and didn’t want you to miss it.
hashtag peoplewouldratherdiethanbestuckbehindaminivan
PS. apparently said stereotype of slowness doesn’t work for cops. And speeding. Because guilty, and apparently minivans mean rule breakers. Or bill payers. Or something that makes me feel better because clearly I’m a good person. I’ve had like two tickets in my entire life, but why do I always feel like I just murdered someone when a cop pulls me over? Stay calm. You didn’t do it. Cue real anxiety tears.
hashtag issues
Truth no. 3. We’re a caravan of biblical proportions.
Like, break out the smoke to follow in the day, and the promised land that is the beach of milk and honey, and a hoarders anonymous meeting because a minivan = no limits and our capabilities to pack a car know no bounds.
This poses for real issues when we fly, because I have no editing skills.
Good luck, cop who pulls me over and thinks I murdered someone. You’ll find stuffed animals and blankets and coolers and grocery bags with groceries and beach bags and and and… But it will take you a while to get to the rando body. {See this post read on Nancy Grace in five years.}
If there is ever a zombie apocalypse, we would survive for weeks with all that we pack every time we travel. Even though eventually I would die because I have zero skillz and I would waste my time making all our hideouts pretty instead of killing woodland creatures because I have blood sugar issues and that’s mean.
People always give us a look when we check into hotels, and then they notice the kids. Free pass for hoarder packing. It is what it is, and we basically have the containments of an apartment in our car.
On the other hand, I guess said packing skillz could also be a pro… aka our many trips to the flea market. GETOUTTAMAHWAY I drive a minivan and I’m packing!
We’ve enjoyed the minivan stage of life. Even if our cons are totally self important, there’s always the pros. Bonus round: Now that the kids are older, I’ll put all my energy into embarrassing them with said minivan in the carpool lane, since I’ll probably still be driving it when they’re in high school.
Because the fun is just beginning.
And that’s what parents do best.
Very funny and so true! I remember the year we got our first minivan. I turned 30, had a baby, bought a house and got a minivan all in the same year. It was a little much! But, with three girls (including a hockey player and her equipment) and a dog, there is nothing easier. Just throw it all in and head out!
Hilariously true! Thank you for always giving me a good laugh! Priceless.
Hand raised (ALL fingers extended of course)! Mini-van driver here “ma’am” 😉 When our bonus child joined our fam in 2013, we had to trade in the SUV for a min-van and I had to eat. crow. Yup. Tastes like chicken. When I took my first test drive, I was pleasantly and amazingly surprised at the amenities provided in said vehicle! And you know what, I am now unabashedly a supporter of the secretive minivan club dorkfest handshake with snazzy music in the background (hee hee). Rock on sister!!
This is the best post that I have read in a while!!! Guilty of all of the above!! It saves on gas…because when you volunteer to drive, when going with your friends, they always say “that’s okay”
I just got a mini van a few months ago and I LOVE it! After driving a dodge mega cab for years this van is zippy! I always leave the other driver behind as soon as the light turns green! Woops did I say that out loud?
Had to comment. Our only child is 16 now. She has her own car that I drove for 2 years until she turned 16 so I needed a new car. We may have another baby (insanity in itself after 16 years, but whatevs) and after much discussion we decided we wanted another minivan with or without another baby. This is our 5th minivan. Love them!
You CANNOT beat the comfort and convenience of a van. And ours has full-blown reclining seats with footrests in the second row!!!! (It’s a Kia Sedona.) It’s ah-mazing. Road trips are a pleasure again, and yes I can pack WHATEVER I WANT now.
I’m really amused at the whole I-won’t-drive-a-mom-car-so-I’m-gonna-get-an-SUV-instead movement. Uh, who are people kidding??? More moms drive SUVs than minivans. SUVs are TOTAL mom cars without the convenience. So I say EMBRACE the minivan! EMBRACE the mom car! EMBRACE the complete surrender to parenthood! I love it and wouldn’t give my minivan up for anything.
Oh you silly young people! Lol! I’ve been driving a mini van for 26 years and my husband told me it’s time to act our age and get a grown up car. I’m 55 and have owned 5 mini vans. I’ve transported my kids and other people kids for decades. I’ve hauled 2 kids to college with all their stuff for the last eight years. I don’t want a cool looking car, I want a mini van loaded with every option there is available. 🙂
Never wanted a minivan until we had twins and had to have a car able to hold 3 car seats and a double stroller. Now I love it! It is the most luxurious and convenient vehicle we’ve owned. Great for day trips, road trips and the frequent visits from family as we can all fit in one car for outings.
I am with you on the ‘do people seriously flip people off?’ point! Some stupid *middle-aged* man almost side-swiped me the other day and I honked at him. And HE flipped ME off! I was so very angry. I may still not be over it. :/
i’ve always wanted to have a paint gun available to just shoot the cars who are rude on the roads…it would relieve a lot of MY road rage!
I am not a mini-van driver, but I do have an SUV with the “optional 3rd seat”…which means that when I have that seat up (which I always do) I have about 2 square inches of storage space. My sister has a mini-van. She hauls bunches of High School football players, their stinky stuff AND snacks in her mini-van. So I’m just a little jealous of that storage space and I kind of want a mini-van of my own. But I’d want black…with dark tinted windows…so I could try to maintain my big-pimpin’ attitude. So drive that minivan with pride! I’d have one if my 6’9″ husband, 6’1” 15 yo daughter and 2 other younger but equally ginormous children would all fit.
Funniest blog post I have read in a long time!!!! lol. We are still in the suv stage of life with our one child but we hope to make it 2 this year, and I was dreading the minivan talk, but now I am anxious to have the “luxury on wheels” discussion. And revel in the thought of giving in to my over packing tendencies.
Check out the movie “Moms Night Out”. The moms drive a mini-van to their fancy dinner while attempting to rock out to the radio. It’s hilarious
I am 54 and my car was a mini van for four years. Di not lug tons of children. Just two who did not like being competetive ( so no sports equipment) yahoo! Regular amount of luggage when travelling 4 pieces…that is 4 total not per person. 🙂 It was okay..traded it for a Jeep Liberty and will not give it up after 7 years. Love it in the snow. I totally understand the van thing especially now.They have come a long way in technology and comfort. The part we miss about the van are the stuffing that sucker full of crap to do the Saturday morning trip to the dump. NOT TO MENTION all the lumber and drywall(iffy) and building supplies that van could hold. That is when we miss it.
Love how you and so many reader replies are so funny…it never works for me 🙁 As explained by my 21 year old daughter) LOL
Love your blog
Almost the weekend , have a beautiful one.
I’m almost 63 (argh- that’s hard to say out loud!) and I’ve been driving a mini-van for 21 years. It does have built in child seats for the grandkids but mostly I love it because it’s so easy to get in and out of. I think it really WILL be death by mini-van for me!
You are so cute! I don’t drive a mini van, as I only have one little, but my folks did and all the above is so true it’s painful. I have to say I laughed though. My Subaru legacy is very much like a mini mini-van. Hard to feel hot while driving a hatchback wagon. Oh well!:-)
Turning our 2001 odyssey into a camping van for my husband and I. : ) get some Krispy Kremes and head to the beach together.
I loved your post!!! My husband and I were just thinking about get a minivan. I have two boys and I am in love with the idea. The comfort, the space inside… my dream!
funny post! 2 years ago we retired our SUV before the birth of our 4th child! I was not excited to ‘downgrade’ to a minivan. shame on me! Anyway, I have had a change of heart and love, love, love the convenience of a minivan! top on the list: remote sliding door openers! woo hoo! (and I don’t have to worry about my child opening the door and bashing the snazzy SUV we’ve parked beside in the parking lot!) yes, I’m a mom and not ashamed to let the world know it! 🙂
All I can say is…I’m sorry! 🙂
Oh my goshhhhhh! I’m pregnant with #3 and still trying to think of a way I can keep driving my little sporty Corolla. Denial. My husband has been pushing for the van. Maybe I’ll just stay home. bwahahahaha!
Seriously, though. Funny post. Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible driving a minivan after all 🙂
I HAVE DRIVEN A MINIVAN FOR MANY YEARS AND LOVE IT IT IS EASY ON MY KNEES GETTING IN AND OUT, CAN HOLD ANY SIZE FIND AT A THRIFT STORE OR GARAGE SALE, AND I CAN HOLD 7 PEOPLE.
This has me laughing so much! You are so funny, I can relate to it all. I was a mini van driving Mama by 23, which I feel like I should get an award for or something. Now that I am 29 I feel like I kind of can rock it and not get weird looks. My husband and I just recently were out without kids. Someone stopped us and asked if that was our parents car, and do they like driving it. Ummm, we are the parents (gasp) and it is awesome. We joked that when we bought the thing with all of its bells and whistles that it better be packing serious luxury, because stigma of mini van and all. Also if we could not afford the house because we are paying out the wazooo for a big van we have somewhere to live. I would also be making things pretty in zombie world. There could be a lot of scavenged wood, crates, old windows and what not. A DIYers dream! I hope to maybe one day get a big ‘ole SUV. I still have kids who need help getting in and out of the car. But those dang automatic doors are too nice to think of getting rid of. I can’t quit the mini van!
Seriously, mini-vans RAWK! We have two…but only one kiddo. Figure that out. Actually, I won’t make you. We take care of my parents and we drive everywhere as an extended family, so vans make sense in our household. We bought our first one while waiting for our first and only child. Never regretted it. Pair that with our incessant need to DIY, and our need to have cargo space…we’re good. When our newest van joined our crazy fam, I had a bunch of moms oohing and ahhing over the features. Dvd player? With dual system to listen to music while the fam in the back watches whatever video? Ohhh. Seats that fold into the floor? Ahhh. I’ve loved vans since high school…when I’d beg my dad to drive his not-so-mini van.
I just sing, “you can hate me noooowwww, but I won’t stop noowwww…and I can’t stop nooowwww.” 😉
Hahaha… Love this! My favorite part is the fact that I can open the side and back doors with just one finger pressing a button. I just blogged about how we turned our van into “tent” for camping. Van is cool! 🙂