Dear rando man who knocked on our door the other day,
I saw you standing there. Knocking. Thinking I was coming to open it and answer and engage with you, as if I was expecting you. I know you heard me inside. You probably even saw me because you were totally looking in my window. Which is super awkward for you, by the way. Let’s get something straight here. I owe you nothing. Just because you’re standing there, selling the things, doesn’t mean I have to answer the door.
You, in fact, should feel a little serial-killerish that you stood there for so long.
Stalker.
Let’s get something clear. My stance on answering the door, is not a reflection of my character or if I care about the world or not.
We’re halfway through 2019. This is not 1950. It’s not my job to answer my door. It’s your job to not bother me with your pest control services you want me to buy.
You really made it worse when you came back later, and Jamin finally answered. Much unlike me, he enjoys telling people no. It’s a nice balancing act that we do, my safety-if-not-passive-aggressive solution paired with his over the top seven-winged-eight-on-the-eneagram-scaleness.
It was super double awkward when you wouldn’t take no for an answer. Ew. {Did you miss the no soliciting sign in our neighborhood?!}
Never mind that I was still hiding.
Clearly, you don’t know me, or you wouldn’t have bothered. My friends and family and even neighbors -they all know that if you knock un-announced, I will run and hide. I once left a family member waiting in the driveway because I wasn’t dressed. I have no shame with boundaries. Slightly withdrawn ones, anyway {see enneagram 4 w 5}.
I’m not wearing my coifed apron and a-line dress combo, constantly at the ready for my bridge and casserole party. If I do decide to answer the door, it’s because I’m actually wearing a bra, and probs some mascara. Yes, mascara is just as important as the bra when answering the door so I don’t burn your corneas. And oh wait, I actually know you. I expect a little heads up in, I don’t know, a text?
There’s really no reason to get the dogs all involved and stuff.
PS. If you think it’s inappropriate that I’m not wearing a bra in my own house, we can’t be friends. I’m almost always in my pajamas, if not yoga pants, which we all know, is the dress-up version of pajama pants. It says, I actually worked out today and made an effort at living or at least a brave attempt at faking it, and now I’m wearing sweaty yoga pants because I work from home. And I’m killing it.
We do what we must.
So no, I’m not going to answer. I’m not even sorry about it. You should be sorry though, that you actually stood there all entitled and stuff.
What if I was all, “Release the hounds!” and our dogs attacked you while I stood there and cackled like an evil stereotypical witch from a badly produced-for-lifetime movie from the 90’s? I need to check the constitution and stuff but I think I’m allowed to do that if you’re being a creeper.
I think I’ll try that next time.
{Never mind that releasing the hounds would really mean vicious barking and then attacking you with their slobbers, but you don’t know that. You could be allergic to dogs. I hope you get swollen eyes and have trouble swallowing for an entire day so I can identify you later in that police line up thing they always do on TV. And I’m pretty sure if you came with bad intentions, they would eat your face for a nice tasty snack, so there’s that. Our two seventy pounders are actually kinda scary.}
I read an article recently where someone considered it rude to not answer the door when someone knocks in the middle of the day. This person was also a man.
Must be nice to be able to overpower someone on a whim.
Are you a vacuum cleaner salesman? Inviting me to take action on something? Ted Bundy? Because those are basically the three options.
If you’re knocking on my door, you want something.
How about NO.
Let’s cover all the bases: I have a vacuum cleaner, I don’t want to die, and if I do die, I know where I’m going. Also, I vote. We’re good. I have zero interest in any of the above options.
Total side tangent: If you want to come do some landscaping, we can talk. I mean, let’s at least make it service-based. I might even consider your vacuum cleaner if you offer to clean. I can be bought for cheap.
Or murdered for the price of a clean house.
Some weeks, I feel like that’s what it will take.
This is my home. I am not coming to the door because you’re clearly a serial killer, and I’ve seen way too many Datelines at this point to think otherwise. If I do die, I’m going to go ahead and request a good podcast telling the mysterious story of my disappearance. {I expect no less than a good ten episodes, with a well-invested fandom over my horrendous fate.} Because if I’m going down, I’d at least hope it would be in a ball of flaming, somewhat humorous glory, where someone tells my harrowing, multi-layered story. {Preferably Dax Shepard on Armchair Expert even though that’s not his usual genre.}
JK, I’m not that interesting.
But digression, because the person who said it was rude to not answer your door, had it completely backwards. It’s actually rude to walk on my property, and then stand there expectantly, as if I’m going to answer the door to a complete stranger. Standing on my front porch, peering through the window. I have no shame in the duck, tuck and roll method. I’m actually really good at it.
Think, transformers, the horrible movie versions with Shia, paired with a side of paranoia on her third cup of coffee. We basically have drills at our house. The kids have been trained under a master artist.
So if you saw me drop to my knees in my very well-lit living room like a ninja all so I could army crawl behind the sofa in my pajamas, and hide behind my two seventy pound rabid dogs, that was on purpose. I’m not searching for my contact that fell from my eye.
You can stop looking through my window now. That was probably the longest five minutes of my life. Weirdo.
So don’t come knock on my door. We haven’t been waiting for you.
If we want you here, we’ll call. {With the exception of a neighbor, friend, family member or Thin Mints-selling Girl Scout {who now also do not knock on doors because haven’t you heard it’s dangerous?! That’s the real tragedy here.} And also Amazon. Amazon is allowed. And also The Rock. Yes, I am obsessed. The Rock can always knock on our door.}
Thank you for your non-understanding. You’ve been warned.
And enjoy the earworm. ;}
Deb says
Omg! Still laughing! Seriously though, door to door sales should be permanently put to rest everywhere for safety sake. Let’s move on this!
ashley @ the handmade home says
I couldn’t agree more. Any company still instituting this really needs to re-check their marketing tactics. The second worst is cold calling from all those generic call centers. STOP IT.
Leilani says
I feel the EXACT SAME WAY!!!!! Thanks for posting about it. 🙂
ashley @ the handmade home says
Right?! I’m not a bad person. In fact, I tend to overcompensate and feel guilty! 😀
Susan says
This is awesome! Why do I feel guilty for thinking that I don’t want to open the door when someone rings the bell and looks through the window next to the door? The dogs go wild, the cats scatter in a thousand directions….and I have no desire to discuss my cable with a 19 year old, who is rude when I say NO. They usually they show up five minuets after I get home from working all day, which is when the bra is removed in my own home…is that standard practice?
ashley @ the handmade home says
YOU JUST PUT ALL MY FEELINGS INTO WORDS. It’s like I’m too ashamed to just say no, through the window. That’s how you get murdered! 😀
Jenna says
Omg. Thank you so much for this. it’s incredible. Yes to all of it! 😂 I don’t answer my door either and it is 2019. Times have changed so stop being so aggressive with your sales tactics 🙌
Darla Monzon says
Couldn’t agree more!! In fact, when we built our house, we specifically chose a floor plan where you can’t see into the living room and kitchen from the front door. It’s not difficult for me to hide, and hide I will!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHA! SO Glad I’m not alone! We took out all our walls in our house, so it’s kind of a bummer. I’m super stoked about the new addition because I can hide better 😀
Michelle says
Lol! I am, in fact, reading this in my sweaty work out pants while cleaning up after my toddler I nicknamed “tornado.” It’s a daily occurrence.
monica says
I printed out a”No Soliciting” sing and put it on my door. Works well!
kelly says
I finally had to post a sign that lists the following:
No sales or soliciting
No political groups or surveys
No flyers
No religious groups
People seem to think they are the exception to the traditional “No Solicitation” signs. Maybe they don’t know that word.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Right? It’s like people want to ignore it. GIANT EYE ROLL EMOJI here.
Susie Meadows says
After the THIRD TIME I got super rudely cornered by Jehovah’s Witnesses, I put up a sign that says “no preaching, no soliciting, no politics.” This woman STILL KNOCKED ON MY DOOR. After I had just gotten the baby down for a nap no less!! I dead eyed her, pointed to the sign, and closed the door in her didn’t-take-the-hint face. I have lost my kind on this one.
ashley @ the handmade home says
It’s truly frustrating! SO sorry about the sweet sleeping baby! That’s a MAJOR no no! It happened to me so many times when my kids were younger too! Unreal.
Pamela Smith says
Too funny! I won’t answer the door either. In fact, we got a Ring doorbell and named it the Bark Box, because all our dogs start barking! The perfect deterrent!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HA! YES. We are taking care of all the security cameras, YESTERDAY. This guy freaked me out a little looking in my window like that!
Kim says
Counterpoint: we live on a busy street and several times we’ve had strangers knocking because they’ve just been involved in an accident and want to pull into our driveway to get out of traffic, or once a lady got stuck in a snow bank right in front of our house and asked to use our shovel. So it does happen that there are legitimate reasons people do need to knock that are non-sales.
ashley @ the handmade home says
Agreed! But my post wouldn’t really be funny if I covered all those now would it? 😀
Sue says
I’m a pro at stop,drop and roll. I’ve been known to crouch behind a chair for ever until they leave. No shame, in fact, makes me proud.
Carrie P says
Thank you. Thank you!
My husband is getting used to sitting on the coach watching them come and go without getting up.
Kind-of have to go along with answering the phone as well, it’s my time and i don’t want to talk to you right now.
Betsy Pike says
I love the humor you’ve brought to a genuinely serious problem! I have a latched gate across the front of my porch to keep the dogs in and salesmen have the nerve to unlatch it and come to my door! Unbelievable! Enough!
ashley @ the handmade home says
WHAT?! That’s insane. Sorry you’ve been dealing with that one. Gross. 🙁
Julie @ retylerelove says
It actually happened to me yesterday and for the first time ever, I hid behind the lounge! Haha. Glad I’m not the only one. I too have a sign at my door saying no door knockers but they still do. It’s like can you not read? And no means no! I totally agree with you on all accounts, including your dress sense. My house and I’ll dress comfortably, not to impress. Couldn’t have said it any better. 🙂
Eve Bowen says
*Stands up and applauds loudly*
*still applauding*
Everyone’s a little uncomfortable now
*Still applauding*
*stops applauding to discover how to follow you urgently and maybe where you live so I can turn up to your door to applaud to your face……no….hang on…….doh*
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHAHAHAHA! “Everyone’s a little uncomfortable now” This is laugh out loud funny. Thanks so much for stopping by, Eve!
Yolanda McLean says
Yes!!! I don’t answer the door either – ever. Text me and let me know if you are one of my people, otherwise – bye Felicia! There was a local story though where a lady didn’t answer her door and because the guy believed no one was home he kicked in her back door. She heard and was hiding in a closet and when he found her she KILLED HIM DEAD!!!!! She was packing and she wasn’t playing around.
ashley @ the handmade home says
WOW. I was afraid it would have a bad ending – crazy. Glad she was able to defend herself!
maureen hughes says
HA! This reminds me of a knock at our door when my oldest son was about 3 or 4 years old (He’s now 40). A Jehovah’s Witnesses was at the door and I ducked behind the sofa and told my young son to do the same. He asked who it was, and I told him “A stranger”.