I turn 40 this year. I’m calling it me in 4.0. I’m still being generous with time, because it’s not so much this year but in three months. I’m realizing the older I get, that age is just a better version of yourself, if you allow it to be.
At this precipice, I’m observing a lot. Once upon a time, I naively thought people grew up and became better people. I’ve realized in the last decade this is only if you make the conscious choice to. The whole grumpy old person thing isn’t a stereotype – to be frank, it’s referring to a type of person living in fear, regret and anger. I don’t know about you guys, but I plan to be wearing glorious baubles, taking yoga and painting beautiful things when not spending time with my grand children or meeting my friends for lunch a-la the ripe old age of 90. I’m looking forward to it.
Here’s a secret: being fussy and offended over everything just isn’t worth it. I won’t have time to be grumpy and mean. It’s not because I’ve figured anything out. It’s not because life hasn’t thrown us some curve balls, with plenty more to come.
It’s because life is too short.
So as I stare down the barrel of midlife, I realize I have two choices. I either embrace it with all my functioning limbs as I ride into the sunset of age on a glittering, majestic unicorn, {never mind that it has perpetual back issues, I’d like to say I’ll throw my hands in the air, but we all know I’ll be holding on for dear life}. Or I’m option B: Carol with the “May I please speak to your manager” haircut, judging people on Facebook.
Option A, please. I’m just the 4.0, reinvented version of me, hopefully reaching her peek over and over again through the rest of her days. Because age is just a number, I’ll forever be imperfect, life always throws you plot twists, and and I’m choosing to cope with humor.
Here’s how I can tell I’m actually getting older:
1. I still think everyone’s the same age as moi.
I know I’ve written this here before, but it’s becoming a real problem. I feel about twenty seven, with a side of more wisdom and self confidence. So when I’m talking to someone at Target and admiring how young they look, I have to remember it’s because they are in fact, twenty seven. I, like it or not, am over a decade older. If someone else calls me ma’am again, I’ll just pretend I didn’t hear them.
2. In the middle of the night, it’s ride or die with bathroom breaks.
If I wake up and need to go, there are two options. I can make that journey just a mere twelve feet away, or suffer with a full bladder until falling asleep again. Because anyone over the age of thirty-seven knows that if you make the fatal mistake of giving in and getting up, you risk staying awake for probably like, the rest of your life. You may become a vampire all the way and never sleep again. Being a vampire would be nice because no more aging, so maybe I should take the risk and pee…
At what stage of life am I when I can’t hold it anymore and have to get up multiple times? I have a sneaking suspicion that one is next.
3. Our conversations would bore our college selves.
They revolve around mortgages, colleges for our kids, self help books and health supplements. The state of our economy and helping others. But we also have really great ones about the future, the past and its meaning, personal growth, psychoanalyzing the purpose of life, design, Netflix binges and what our unstable neighbor from 2002 is doing on Instagram. I mean, stalkers gotta stalk.
4. I go to the doctor on a regular basis just to make sure I’m not dying.
You know, like a real live responsible grown adult. It’s called yearly maintenance. Last week, it was the dermatologist. She found a “birthday spot” and didn’t even mention it until I asked if it was cancer. It took me a hot second to realize I don’t, in fact, have any birth marks and she was being really kind with her phrasing. #omgitwasanagespot #somuchtanningbedregret
Note to self: Maybe I can work on the fear thing a little more. I’ll always be working on the fear thing.
5. I miss childhood, when my back didn’t hurt.
I’m on so many supplements, serums, special concoctions and anti-aging coagulants I’m not even sure what I’m taking anymore. My stylist just convinced me to use real live grown adult shampoo that costs too much. Maybe I’ll try that vampire facial next. Micro greens are a thing and also fresh juicing. I see a deep tissue massage therapist on a regular basis just to help my back.
I’ve become what my younger years would have referred to as boujee if the word existed ten years ago, in the name of health. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.
6. I can’t eat whatever I want.
When I was sixteen I could casually inhale six pieces of pizza like it was NBD and I still looked amazing without so much as a tummy ache. The “adult” version of me, was that I would work out just so I could still eat whatever I wanted, but that was only when I felt like it.
A shift has slowly occurred over the last five years and the aging gods are now laughing mercilessly. Let’s just say that sausage balls and tequila were not a wise choice for dinner last night.
I’m on a kale-based probation. For the entire week.
7. My children explain technology to me.
I’ve never been so confused in my life. Now I know why Carol is so angry on Facebook. She’s perpetually confused when she says mean things about our mantle design. Did she get the may-I-please-speak-to-your-manager haircut so she could see the screen better? She may be on to something.
8. I can’t sleep in anymore.
Gone are the days when I blissfully slept on until noon or beyond. And no, it’s not because I have younger children. They sleep later than me and I woke up at 6 on a Saturday to write this total drivel. I felt inspired after I woke up to pee.
9. The title ‘cougar’ would bring me some consolation.
My fourteen year old ran up the stairs the other day to tell us about a cougar that stalked him in in his video game and while he was speaking literally, the only thing I could think of was ‘hot old lady’ so I was initially alarmed. I’m sure the term cougar is considered offensive to someone, but can I be a cougar and not be on the prowl? I have a husband. We’re happy and plan to stay together and stuff. Is there a club of honorary membership if I’m not looking for a younger beau? I think this title would help me cope.
Feed me sausage balls and tell me I’m pretty.
10. It gets better with time.
Life can really knock you on your mom jeans when you least expect it, even if they are in style with the young people these days. We’re all fighting our battles, so I care a little less about what people think, I gain a little more wisdom with each passing year, and I love fiercely with abandon. It’s all we really can do.
That and the implementation of some really good face creams because YOLO.
In the meantime, I’m collecting glorious baubles in preparation for my imminent future and refuse to get a may-I-please-speak-to-your-manager haircut.
Cheers to me… and anyone else who’s on the aging bandwagon with me.
Cheers to 4.0.
Janet says
This is so perfect! Thank you for making me smile this Monday morning. 😂
Anna says
This gave me the laugh I needed today – boujee! Yes! I’m always telling my friends and husband the older I get the more high maintenance I become – hilarious! Thank you for always keeping it real ❤️
Rose Lefebvre says
You are still so young. I am 67 and have started a new life with a new love. My husband passed in 2012 and I let it make me act like there was no more life for me. Now I have been in love with someone who loves me, too. Keep living, loving and enjoying life as age does not matter. It is how you fill your days that is important. Blessings to you.
ashley @ the handmade home says
LOVE this Rose! Congratulations to you!
Jill says
Thank you for this post, although I am a few years ahead of you and have come to some of this realization on my own, it is so nice and refreshing to her you say it too. I love your writing. Thank you so much
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe thank you so much Jill! If I can be relatable for anyone, I’m more than happy to. ;} It’s comments like these that also help me remember I’m not alone – Rock on with your awesome self
Melissa C. says
“Feed me sausage balls and tell me I’m pretty.” – Oh how that made me spit out my coffee this morning 🙂 I’m ten years ahead of you, Ashley but feel the same on so many of these points you made. Thanks for you honesty and humor!
ashley @ the handmade home says
HAHAHAHA so glad I’m not alone! We can have both, RIGHT!?
Annie says
Aw, how I enjoy your posts… I too become the 4.0 version of myself this December and you truly made me smile. Thinking the best is yet to come!
ashley @ the handmade home says
The best IS yet to come! When is your birthday?! Mine’s the 6th! Cheers to you and your awesome self
Annie says
The 20th!
ashley @ the handmade home says
Awe happy early birthday!!! ;}