Can we talk about it? Because College. What comes to mind when you see or hear that word? It means something different for everyone and it’s all based on experiences. For some, it’s positive. For others it’s all negative connotations. Personally, college holds some of the very best memories for both Jamin and me. But the landscape has changed a little.
I wish I was a cool mom, but I’m an anxiety mom. I hide it well, but it’s really kicked it up a notch these lasts few weeks, in the sneaky form of the dreams department. You see, in case you haven’t seen me share it yet, we have a class of 2024 senior this upcoming school year.
The mail has started to arrive {the other day we received something from Witchita State? Also, calm down US MARINES sorry not sorry but I am not there yet} the ACT-taking has begun, and we’re registering for all the dual-enrollment and honors stuff. In case you’re wondering, I don’t really know how we got here. Besides me losing my ever-loving nonexistent cool about everything, it’s time to start thinking about all things school. Really, just the next steps.
The pendulum is swinging and I love all the options for kids now. I’m a huge proponent of thinking through what everyone really wants and what’s right for each individual. But in the meantime, to get those ideas flowing and the conversation started, we’re looking at the next traditional step: a four year college.
I don’t even know what that means for us, but it has awakened a real, acid reflux beast within me. We’ve only seen one campus {two, in the next few weeks, a third and probably fourth by the fall} and I’m trying really hard not to be an absolute wreck. I seem fine on the outside, but can I get a permanent Xanax drip because I’d like to not hand down all my nervous energy to my kid. I’m hoping he’s not feeling too overwhelmed.
Because I am freaking overwhelmed.
So overwhelmed, I think all my hair just might fall out. I’m hoping there are some benefits to having a nervous breakdown over all the truly mid-life-crisisy pandora’s box of fun things coming my way. Maybe body by stress? Can perpetual skinniness be a benefit of processing a babe out of the nest? Someone give me a nice pro on this list besides feeling strung out. And bald. And thusly poor.
Because these are the things no one is talking about. And it’s okay to be transparent about them.
First borns have it hard enough without their parents being total basket cases about it all. {See: Me, a first born.} I will look back in the near future and laugh at this. I wish I was someone who could chill whilst in these stages of life. I’m sure I’ll be more laid back with following children and their future endeavors… but just like birthing and reading and kindergarten and middle school, the first one is always a little more nerve-racking since we haven’t been down this road before. I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t admit that this is hard.
I think I’m just fine, and then my nightmare fuel manifests itself. Last night, for example, I was back in college and I was constantly confused, my notebooks were falling apart and I couldn’t find a bathroom, let alone somewhere to live. I kept trying to attend class, but it was 1950 and only Home EC was an option in pursuit of the MRS degree. Oh, and Zac Efron was trying to date me but not in a good way because it really felt like an AI combo of High School Musical where he was way too young but also he might actually be Ted Bundy.
We’re fine everything’s fine and also it feels like that dog meme where the room is burning down around him. There’s just something really hard about these next steps.
It’s the delicate combo of wasn’t I JUST IN COLLEGE for REAL? And I’m still trying not to be a hot mess myself. I had this life-vision of being farther along in my own career path and life, by the time I sent a child to school. I want to call a time out because I’m not ready yet. We uprooted our family a few short years ago to change our entire trajectory, and suddenly it all just feels so heavy. It’s not lost on me this decision would probably be so much easier had we just stayed put. #wareagle
It’s also not lost on me that this is the definition of a midlife crisis: real life not meeting my expectations. I’m processing it in real time.
We have always been ones to buck the system a bit, therefore, our children will probably naturally push back in their own way. I am grateful for this generation and the way things are changing but there hasn’t been a lot of space for anything other than the traditional path until now. I mean, people still look at us cross-eyed when we try to explain what we do for a living. I feel like we’re only at the cusp of that pendulum swing. So maybe he wants to take a gap year. Maybe he has an entrepreneurial spirit like his parents. Maybe this is the kid who as a 5th grader told us he didn’t want to grow up and has always felt that way. He wants to take his time before he makes a big choice. We need to also create space within our culture to explore that and respect it.
It’s hard not to feel a little rushed. They’re so young.
Do the test. Follow the well-forged path. Perform. It just feels gross.
In the meantime, we’re running stats in our heads and breaking it down with pros and cons and wondering what he really wants to do all while hoping we are encouraging him to truly follow his passions… ALL while not giving into the social norm pressures around us. {I won’t even touch the social media side of things. The peacocking is real.}
I just want my kid to choose the right path for him. Not us. Not what family members or friends or strangers think.
Him.
So here we are. Just a family trying to figure it all out, and I think it comes down to wishing we had more time. Being completely real, we’re also just small business owners and while we chose this path, it’s hard not to feel like we’re constantly being punished for it. The dentist was REALLY confused the other day when we balked at a 5k bill over two teeth. She really was non-chalant, like “Everyone pays this, what is wrong with you” and WE’RE like IT CAN NOT BE JUST US. Dental insurance doesn’t exist for us. Pull them with a STRING AND A DOORKNOB {not kidding}. It’s not lost on me that meanwhile, people are starving in America. But college. {But teeth.}
Too bad I almost faint every time I see a loose tooth. I should have been a dentist.
The system: it’s just not sitting right with us. It never has.
Which brings me back to…Why aren’t we talking about this more?
So the building feels like its burning down and I was not ready. The truth: I was never going to be ready. Emotions. Lists. Pros and cons. Finances. Paperwork. Touring. Decisions. Trajectories. This is a lot.
It’s okay to acknowledge that.
It all feels so important but also trivial because I know deep down, he will forge his own path. He will figure this out just like most kids growing into young adults, do.
No matter how many campuses we tour, I’ll take a deep breath and smile and know that just like I was not the first mother to give birth, I am not the first to help nudge her child onto the next step. No matter what that looks like. Everything always has a way of working itself out. {I’m just hoping my hair doesn’t fall out in the meantime.}
Especially when all I see when I think about him going out on his own, is this:
Deep breaths, one day at a time.
The next step.
photograph via light by iris
I’m a homeschooling mom; mine are 16 and 20. I feel you. What has been enormously helpful to me is to, for lack of a better phrase, choose ONE guide/guru/teacher. By that, I mean identify an area of stress, then look at the experts in that area. Read up on them, their approach to that area, and their background. Look at reviews. Google their name or service plus the word “scam.” Ask around. Pick ONE teacher, and then follow their advice.
I have a guide for homeschooling a student with special needs.
I have a guide for transcripts and high school planning.
I have a guide for pursuing scholarships.
I have a guide for planning dual credit.
Because I’ve added these one at a time as the kids have grown, their approaches mesh with my own and with the others. They have all also been economical.
I know there’s a huge, very expensive market for college-admissions experts. So very expensive. I’m not advising that. I’m saying look for a guide, in whatever price bracket fits, who has a good reputation and an approach that feels right. Then let the other noise fade away, and just focus on that one set of steps.
Otherwise, you will end up just spinning in circles, with the must-dos and the don’t-miss checklists from 30 directions firing at you.
It can also be helpful to call in an expert who can give objective advice. This is usually a short-run thing, but it’s a handy resource.
Both of my kids needed neuropsychological educational evaluations to pick apart some learning differences. Expensive, but absolutely worth the money.
One of mine benefited from AIMS testing to help narrow a college/career path. Moderately expensive, but worth the money to avoid backtracking and lane-changing down the way when it’s much MORE expensive. She is undecided about her exact career goal at this time, but we’ve been able to narrow it down to a general field of study, and we can set up opportunities to job-shadow and ask people about their jobs, and we can refine further as she decides more. We got a list of considerations on what would make an ideal job for her, so that she can evaluate new ideas as they pop up. We also got specific advice about the aspects of a college that would matter most to her learning style. Size of classes, size of campus, style of coursework, etc.
And one little mantra that I picked up somewhere–probably Pinterest. “Where they go is not who they are.” It’s just a choice of school for the next step. That’s all.
The “we only get 18 summers” folks need to settle down. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18 if you’ve got a good relationship with your kid–there are so many awesome days ahead as we watch them become more and more themselves. 🙂
Carrie, I can’t tell you how badly I needed this today. Thank you. Looking into all of this. I am grateful to the people that have traveled this road before us. And AMEN to the 18 summers stuff. I think it’s all about a healthy relationship and balance. I feel a lot of pressure if I’m not careful.
I was you 4 years ago. Our oldest wasn’t interested in college. In fact, he asked to be home-schooled for high school. His goal was to get into “the real world” as quickly as possible. He worked several jobs and saved his money. He is now 25 and a regional manager for Dunkin Donuts with six stores, and purchased his first home at age 24 (a duplex where he lives in half and rents the other half).
Our daughter just graduated Summa Cum Laude from a school in upstate NY. She is taking a gap year before applying to grad school (eventually wants to get her PhD) and is traveling with a friend to South Korea and Japan for six weeks this fall (she spent a semester abroad in South Korea her junior year — talk about anxiety-inducing for ME!!).
We have one more who will probably go to college, but who knows. They all have their own paths to follow. The important thing is to guide without making their decisions for them. It’s scary the first time because you think you’re going to give them bad advice that will ruin their lives!! But the truth is, they can always change their minds.
And, I hear you on the financial stuff — my husband and I both worked for ourselves during her college years. The paperwork was ridiculous (not to mention the dental bills).
Also, my friend gave me the BEST advice when our daughter went off to college (and I was a WRECK). She said, “She will be home so often, it will seem as though she never even left.” I was totally skeptical (“But she’s leeeeaaavvvving… [insert crying emoji]), but she was absolutely right. Between parent’s weekends, holidays and semester breaks, we saw her all the time.
It will be okay mama, you got this!!
I love your perspective and all of this. It’s oh so true!
My first is also class of 2024 and I’m having trouble as well with how fast he grew up. This put into words everything I feeling right now. And we are also small business owners. I told him tha this mother is going to need a few extra hugs this year and just to let me hug him. I also joke that He may walk back to his dorm and I’ll be sitting on his couch because his little sisters tween emotions might get the best of me
You are not alone! Love this. Hugs mama.