We now interrupt our regular blogram for a short story a-la mills style. The following post is for the not-so-faint of heart. Consider yourselves warned.
We’ve been sick a lot lately. You know. The icky kind of nasty sick. Virus sick. My kids have been sick so many times since February, I’ve lost count. Literally, I don’t even know how many times we’ve had the voms, kind of sick. It’s really unfortunate that I’m a mom, because I kind of have a zero tolerance policy for voms. As in, if someone hurls, I’m right behind them gagging silently. I have to hold my breath and put on a brave face for my kids, but let’s just say I’m not nurse material when it comes to the clean up crew side of things. This winter was the kind where Jamin and I tag teamed, and ran in between bedrooms and almost collided in the hallway en route, sick. We stayed up all night doing laundry in waves. Gross, I know.
So now that it’s basically summer, I feel like we should be in the clear. Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work? It’s to the point where I think my friends have stopped hanging out with me, because I’m that mom. We’ve gotten them sick. We’re the sick family with the sick kids. Yep. Go us.
I was starting to think there’s something wrong with my family…I found myself getting defensive about my notoriously uptight mad cleaning skillz-a-la Monica-But a friend made a point that all three chillins, so close in age, are doomed for this kinda stuff. I’ve just been wondering what families with 5 plus kids do all winter…seriously, do you stay in a coma? Maybe I need some survival tips.
I prefaced all that to say, that our week, last week, went like this:
Sunday morning: Malone woke up with a small case of the voms. But after a brief session, it was over, laundry was washed, things were clean, all were happy, everyone was fine. I should have known it was only the beginning of the end, as captain klepto drool, specializing in all things toothbrushes, had already spread his ‘magic.’
Tuesday Morning: Aiden was all, “I don’t feel good…”
Splode. Mother of the Year factoid: It probably wasn’t the best idea in the world to give the kid with the achy tummy donuts…
Tuesday Night: I had an upset stomach for about three hours, but was fine by the next morning. I slept it off, and I attribute it to my stellar immune system. Yes, I am tempting fate as I type this very sentence, but I’ve never even had the chicken pox. It’s my claim to fame. I may have a bad gag reflex, but when I’m sick, it’s allergies. One of these days, the world may very well need the antibodies from my super wonderful, sickness resistant blood, to save the entire world from a mad rabid outbreak of mutant zombie pox. Don’t laugh. The Lifetime movie {I’m sure they’ll put in less Zombie and play up the love/death/sacrificial sadness, if Fox doesn’t pick it up} is a very real possibility.
Thursday Night: I thought enough time had passed that we were in the clear, but I got a phone call at the end of boot camp, and Jamin was all, “I’m throwing up! HURRY!” he was out and about with the kids when disaster struck.
Just a little Jamin trivia: The last time my kids had bad viruses, I was prego, and didn’t know it. Emerson was 8 months old and came down with it 12 hours after Aiden had begun it all with a completely ridiculous projectile show in the middle of the zoo. We had been all, “SUP, PEEPS!?” putting on a great side show for all the elementary school kids staring in awe and pity as they walked by in herds. We were all, “We just exposed you suckas! PEACE!” while we hauled Aiden out of the park, naked. Jamin fell ill as well, even though he had been in Seinfield mode and hadn’t thrown up since he was ten. I felt really bad that we’d unknowingly exposed everyone at said Zoo that day, because it literally came out of nowhere. The best viruses do. I stayed true to form, and played nurse + lysol queen the entire three days, and my parents dropped supplies at the door and ran away like we were lepers. It was awesome.
In the twelve years Jamin and I have been together, he’s only had the voms twice, and last Thursday was the second time. Can I just say it’s miserable? His voice is so deep, that the sound echos off the bathroom walls for what feels like an eternity. At times I could’ve sworn he was strangling a small pony in the bathroom. I’m all, wanting to slip him some hardcore illegal stuff just so he’ll give it up, roll over and pass out. I really can’t handle the noises. He should stop getting sick and consider my gag reflex.
Sunday: After a few days had passed, and everyone was fine, I completely and naively assumed that we were in the clear. “Emerson must take after me,” I haughtily observed. “Stellar immune system like her mom.”
Things were humming along quite smoothly Sunday morning, and I was recouperating from a long week of cleanup crew/nurse. Jamin was out of town, but I decided to play MOTY and tow them into church that morning. {I had to make up for the donuts earlier that week, after all.} At around 9:30, we were ready to go. And not just any kind of ready. We were ready for Sunday school. {Double brownie points.} In our matching Ralph Lauren Easter digs. {triple. God’s watching.} To top that all off, I’d spent the past two hours fighting my battles. Not only did I win some of them, I even packed them all up with snacks, coloring books…the whole shebang.
I was triumphantly marching them out the front door, and happily noting that Emerson had given in and was wearing her flower headband. I was doing a victory dance in my head as I was ushering them out to the car, my literal ducks in a row. Completely proud of my rare on-time-oh-my-goodness-my-children-look-like-angels-even-if-I-did-come-oh-so-close-to-killing-them-in-the-wrangling-process-but-feel-free-to-drive-by-my-driveway-now-weird-neighbors-and-see-how-cute-my-kids-look.
What is it about mommy karma? And timing? And all things motherhood? Why couldn’t it have happened first thing that morning, so I could have at least been comped by staying in my jammies? I could’ve sipped on my coffee, and busted out the veggie tales for a good morning stay-at-home-church lesson while I caught the occasional hurl in the universal family vom bowl. Why did I have to waste two hours of my life pruning, and fighting, and tugging, and bribing and losing? And why, above all things, did we have to sacrifice the Ralph Lauren? Now that would make an excellent Lifetime movie.
Because it all happened in slow motion. The boys were in the van, climbing into their seats, and Emerson paused just long enough at the door. Her beautiful, full dress {that mommy scored on discount} ruffling in the wind. Her perfectly pruned hair blowing in her face, as she muttered the following words:
“Mommy, my tummy hurts…BLUUUUUURP”
In retrospect, perhaps rainbow Trix weren’t the best choice that morning.
I quit.
Brandy Traylor says
I have been laughing out loud…so much so that my one-year-old, Gus, is giving me looks of concern…especially the part about Jamin strangling a small pony…oh my gosh I love your stories of life in the jungle…thanks for sharing the good, the bad and the hurl-y!
refresh restyle says
I am sorry that you’ve all been sick, but my goodness this (it’s so funny) just made my day! You’re a great story teller!
Thanks,
Debbie
Christina says
I am laughing my butt off over here! Again- especially the Jamin part because I can relate. My husband got sick on our honeymoon… I tried to be the good wife and all and stay in our room on the boat while he was in the tiny bathroom. The boat was very rocky that night and he just couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the sound of his “voms” but tried my best to drown out the sounds with the TV. I wanted to stick by him. I really did. However, he actually told me it would help him if I left so he could try to get some sleep. He didn’t feel comfortable getting off the ship yet as he was wiped out. I felt bad so I didn’t get off the boat to go to Sicily that day like he told me to do. I mean really? He expected me to just go off to Sicily solo on our honeymoon while he was sick on the ship? Crazy man. He felt so bad that I missed it. In any case, I stuck it out with him.. just 2 floors up on the deck in a lounge chair with a book and at one point in the spa. Yep, I was the recipient of the wife of the year award when I was married less than a week. In my own defense, he DID tell me to go to the spa if I was bored. And, I DID check in on him from time to time… and yeah, I’m terrible.
Necole says
I love it. Just one of the many reasons that God made mommies. Only mommies can take this kind of abuse and press on.
Trista says
Your misfortune makes me laugh. Sorry about the Ralph Lauren dress. Praying for wellness in your family.
Sarah C says
Laughed myself into a coughing fit. We get epic snot at our house, but have had the voms a couple of times. Usually my son crawls into bed with us when his tummy hurts, but doesn’t verbalize why…until it starts. Boy, that’ll wake a mama up in a hurry!!
Hope you all are feeling better soon!
Dorothy says
Ooooohh, so funny for the rest of us and so awful for you! My husband worked a zillion hours a week when our kids were little. All three would get sick and i’d try to run around, taking care of it all, on my own and then just as I was starting to think it would end…. sure thing, I’d end up sick to my stomach and unable to do anything for myself, let alone them. My husband would waltz home eventually and be UNTOUCHED BY OUR PLAGUE!! ARGH!! I’m fine with blood and poop from the young’uns, but yep, vomit doesn’t work for me. Thank goodness, el hubbo was good with that (when he finally got to come home)! Hang in there-thinking of you. xo
Val says
Oh, I hate the voms. Get better soon!
SuziQ says
Family of five here too – yes, the voms usually hit hard and last long. At one point a few years ago, my five year old and I were almost holding each others hair. What I can’t seem to rid my house of is strep and ear infections. Sign. I’ve never posted a comment to any of your BEauTifUl decorating…..but this I had to say….has me rolling in laughter, because we can all relate!!! Good Luck!
Amy Beymer says
We just went through all of this in April! You made it funny, not gross, like real life!!! Thanks for the chuckle!
Crystal Krause says
I’m sorry that your family is sick, but I loved this! We too have been suffering from this nasty virus and I kinda lost it yesterday to my sweet husband, so it was nice to hear another mom commiserating about taking care of a sick family. Thanks for sharing:)
sam says
I am a lurker who has never commented, and reads stealthy through Google Reader, but I just had to say that this. post. was. awesome. Thanks for the laugh and I really hope you all get healthy, and stay healthy, soon.
Shaunna says
You know we were sick big time this winter too. It’s gotta get better soon. 🙂
Miss you friend!! Finally home and getting back into the swing…let’s talk soon!
xo
shaunna
Brittany says
This post just made my day!
betsy says
HI-larious.
just busted out laughing.
so sorry y’all have been sick.
hope y’all are feeling better.
jenny beth says
oh MY goodness, best post ever… i think…. i laughed and cried all at the same time. I have a mildly rivaling story watching my friends little girl who pooped in the back of my suv, we lost a reusable bag in the process, and 2 diapers, all while i try to rangle my own 2 yr old and the baby is giggling THE whole time. thanks for sharing.
Maria says
Oh my. We have so been there…and the last time my ds threw up happened to be when he was crashing in our bed…and then he threw up on feet…and then, well, let’s just say I don’t do the voms too well either…cookies were tossed…ugh
So sorry, but I had a good laugh reading your story…so much that I even brought a tiny little tear to my eye…but only because we have lived to tell/share the tale…
Katharine says
Rainbow trix and Captain Berry Chrunch. Yuck! I’m lucky (knock on wood), I rarely throw up. Everyone else does and I don’t make good nurse material either. It’s so much work to them all looking good and to have them get sick? awwww!!! One of my best friends is that family. Her kids are a few years apart and are always sick and when they are feeling good my daughter will get sick. My poor daughter got her mom’s bad immune system. I hope she grows out of it and doesn’t get worse, like me. I ended up with fibromyalgia. I hope the warmer weather brings healthier and happier days for all of you.
Cortney says
Love your blog. You are hilarious…such a great story teller!!! My eight year old’s best buddy spent the night with us earlier this week. And got the voms. In my tahoe. Yeah, that was pretty awesome. Major dry heaving from me followed as I scrubbed the interior of my truck.