they really were happy.

I’m finally upgrading to a new phone. Because adulting. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m always waiting until there are 4.5+ more versions than my current model {I don’t like paying for phones and I’m old} and by then my phone gives me me the dreaded spinny-wheel-of-death thing. {I think Apple totally does that on purpose but I’m just a plebeian who googles things, whilst pretending to adult.}

I had to clean out my old phone so that {ideally} only the things I wanted, were transferred over. Let’s just say I still have some work to do. I like to think I’m tech-savvy, but at some point, the i-cloud synched, and started uploading camera photos to my phone. What. That means that I am now the proud owner of over 85,000+ unwanted photos. On my phone. Hazards of the job.

Congratulations, I’m challenged when it comes to tech.

You know when you have good intentions to clean out your phone, or even a forgotten box of memories, and before you know it you’re stuck on a nostalgia loop with “All by Myself” belted in the background by Celine whilst you bury your feelings in chocolate cake? Just me?

These photos went all the way back to 2015, pulled over from the LAST time I upgraded my other phone. I was soon lost in a torrent of emotions and nostalgia, group texting these little treasures to the entire family. Because somewhere, in between 2015 when I just thought my kids were big, and 2022 when they are actual teenagers, our lives have been vastly transformed.

I’m a completely different person than the one in those tiny squares, eight years ago. We all are.

I purchased a sweatshirt recently, that has the word “Happiness” embroidered in a cute loopy font, into the collar. I was looking for something comfy to wear, and it’s the color green which is one of my favorites. It feels appropriate right now, in the middle of the doldrums of winter {metaphorically and literally} because if we’re not careful, finding happiness can be a struggle.

I try to be mindful of that. 

I remember 2015 just like it was yesterday. {Wasn’t it though?} A lot was going on for us in the background. Jamin had resigned from a long-standing job which had a lot of complicated strings attached. We were trying to relocate, struggling to grow our business and change the trajectory of our little family. It was like hitting a reset button for the better and what we needed, but also not being able to. There were a lot of obstacles.

We tried to be optimistic while waiting. But ultimately, we were told no. To sit in the meantime. Because like it or not, it took our home over a year to sell. I remember getting so caught up in all the feelings of it all, from deadlines to worries and even shame.

Forest. Trees. Anger. It’s hard, when you’re struggling with something that may seem silly on the surface.

But underneath it’s about so much more.

Life goes a little bit like this in a cycle: stumble. struggle. worry. focus. step back. appreciate. onward.

It’s this tangle of emotions we experience when our expectations don’t meet with reality, that can be so hard to deal with. It’s unfortunately, the lesson I have to learn over and over again while I just try my very best to appreciate right where we are. 

Last Saturday I woke up, reflecting on those photos I’d found the night before. Because I had a realization.

Through all of that, there’s this one truth… I was so caught up in life. In anxiety and stress and everything that was wrong. But in every single photo, our children really were happy. And they really are happy, now. Despite all that stress and worry about their futures and wellbeing. As it turns out, they’re settled and thriving and they love life. Right where we are. 

Because one thing struck me in every single photo I saw during that “in the meantime” phase… their smiles.

You can see it in their little eyes. We were creating memories in the middle of the challenges, and we weren’t even trying. Learning to ride bikes in the middle of a park or visiting the farmer’s market or walks as a family were all a happy moment in their simplified view of the world.

via – {looking for the original source}

Our kiddos were perfectly happy despite our in-the-background, adult struggles.

And looking back, I can see it so clearly now, but it was all so muddled at the time. As adults, if we’re not careful, we’re always “searching for happiness”. As children, we create it ourselves.

At some point, we really start to grapple with that ability. We forget. 

The older I get, the more that I realize life really is all about the little moments. Children are happy in the present. The big moments are great, but we get distracted by those as adults.
If I spend all my time waiting for them, they will:

a. Never be enough, falling short of some idealistic dream and
b. I’ll never truly be happy anyway until I learn to appreciate where I am, and the process.

Struggles and all. 

 

So why am I sharing this silly little snippet of my life with you, all over forgotten photos on a phone?

Because on the other side of that really hard season of life, was a little house, waiting just for us. And maybe it wasn’t all about our assumed timing or our ideal expectations after all. In fact, it was just the opposite while exceeding them in odd little ways, all at the same time. 

Life will never be just like we want it to be. But that little house has grown into a community and school and livelihood of a wonderful life that we love and are even more grateful for, now… even if at the time it felt like we would never have something that we wanted so badly. Even if at the time, life was still pretty great.

Chapters are called chapters, for a reason. Situations are temporary and they will change.

I remember being so worried that we would be in that phase forever. That we would be stuck in Groundhog Day, reading the same line over and over again just waiting to move forward. I was fighting with a page that wouldn’t budge. I’ve gained perspective from that, and grown. But we’re all human, just trying to navigate life. 

I think what we need to remember, is that we really are enough in that moment, imperfections and all. Especially in the middle of that “in the meantime” phase.

photography via the fabulous light by iris 

There’s a certain vulnerability that comes with looking back and remembering all your shortcomings, juxtaposed against smiling photos. Things change. People change. Time moves us forward and we slowly start to pick up the pieces to rebuild.

The new chapter isn’t a guaranteed easy one, but turning the page feels so good. 

So, I want you to remember that, if you feel stuck right now. If you feel forced to sit in the middle of your “in the meantime” phase, no matter what that looks like for you.

You’ll look back one day, and your life will be completely different. And you’ll realize despite all that stress, there were still those sweet snippets, too. Because growth, enrichment, and the really good stuff… happens in the midst of the struggle. 

And they really were happy.