A sweet reader wrote in the other day, and asked this:
“Are your kids older and share a room (boy/girl?) we currently have a four year old girl and are due with a baby boy in October and don’t plan on moving because we love our house and are debt free and don’t mind our kids sharing. But I wanted to know how that worked as far as your kids getting along? I have so many ideas as far as decorating but am so overwhelmed and don’t even know where to start…”
Oh girl. WE feel ya. It’s been musical bedrooms for us, for years. But before we dive in to this topic, let me give you guys a very honest history / run down of where we’ve been. For those who are not familiar with us, we have three children. Boy. Girl. Boy. 15, 13 + 12, respectively.
I’ll start with now, and work our way back a little: Up until this year, one of our children has almost always shared a room. This next year, our youngest two, {ages 12 + 13, a boy + girl} will finally be spreading out. {See our Owner’s Suite addition, with our fixer upper we’ve now been working on for years, in-progress with plans, permits and more, here.}
TWO THINGS:
1. I honestly don’t think they’re ready to be split up. They’re like cute little roommates who totally coexist and are super happy to keep on sharing. The owner’s suite is one hundred percent for us, for lots of reasons. {We’ve been in a tight space when it comes to the bedroom + bath, which will be handed down to, and perfect for, our middle daughter. The owner’ suite is one hundred percent selfish. Mom + Dad could use a little privacy and space.}
2. Every family is different. So we get it. But the notion and pressure that we put on ourselves, that children need separate rooms is kind of new, and a a whole lot of ridiculous. My mom and Aunt are eight years apart. They shared a space, and had an extra bedroom for guests. Now, McMansions are totally a {MURICA!} thing and well… Champagne probs, amirite? I truly believe it’s all about giving yourself permission to do you, and to let go of other expectations. Being debt free, for example, is reason enough. {Congratulations!}
So a quick history of our musical rooms just for funsies, to help anyone out there feel more than better about their current situation:
In our old house, we had four small bedrooms. But no space for the kids to play. {Our youngest was a surprise!} So as soon they were old enough, we combined the boys in their shared space. This made room for a simple playroom for the kids.
Except our youngest wasn’t old enough. He needed different naps and had a different schedule and with the layout of our home, it made more sense to lay him down in a large secondary space just outside our own bedroom. And by large secondary space, IT WAS OUR CLOSET, mmmkay? Douse your angry mob torches because it’s called survival in the bleary-eyed younger days of 3 under four. And it worked for months until he was ready – then he slept on the bottom of the loft we created. We did what we had to. I’m telling you this, because you have freedom to figure out what works for you, within safety and reason for your children. Give yourself space to figure it out, because you will.
Sister was always joining us in bed anyway, or later, the brothers in their loft. They would all three pile in like a gigantic slumber party, and I have no idea why she even had her own room. It was literally a game of musical beds. But as soon as our youngest was old enough, this was just perfect. We made it fun and they cherished these years together.
Then we moved to our home now. We started with 1650 sq feet of space, where the kids were now 10, 7, + 6. This house has three bedrooms, but we needed an office, until we could complete the basement. So this became the sleeping room. And these are where the memories were made.
Looking back, I think they just didn’t know “any better” because we made it an adventure, and they had each other. And I’m not sad about it.
Once the basement was finished, we had some space to spread out. So we decided it was time to split them up, and give our oldest his own room since he’d been sharing for an eternity now. Technically, because of the walkthrough closet, it’s still a shared space. But the room has grown well with him, and it’s still his favorite space.
And it left the youngest two sharing. Which is where we started. And where we are now.
So I said all that to give you an idea of how we’ve shuffled around. And to say that they’ve honestly been perfectly happy just figuring it out. Yes, we’ve had our moments. Don’t get me wrong. Now they sleep in until we wake them up, and it’s glorious. Just know, the sleep comes back.
Here are a few things that have helped over the years:
Common living areas.
I think the key is having other options for common areas, that they can escape to. Even when they were very young, we knew that we were combining a bedroom, to give them more play space outside those initial bedrooms in our first house. Now that they’re older, it’s our basement + pool room + a fun outdoor space for friends. The older they get, the more important it is. We think it’s all about thinking outside the box and having fun with it all.
Zones just for them.
Within their shared rooms, they have spaces for their own stuff. Children crave routines and systems. This keeps things in check and helps them adjust their expectations. They also have rules and take ownership of their areas, from bed making to clean up. It works.
Bend the rules a little.
This will be different for each kid and every family. But maybe it’s a later bedtime for the older one as a reward. Or a fish in their room. {GUILTY}
Or in our case, maybe even a TV. YES, I swore on my LIFE I would NEVER DO IT and then Covid. They’re teens/tweens now and it was just a principle thing, and a childhood rule I was holding on to. Then I went rogue, and FETCH ME MY FAINTING SOFA! Getting personal and completely honest here, they have major boundaries and paid with it for their own money. I got over myself because it helped us survive. And I said we would NEVER do it. ::Pats past judgmental and assumptive self on head:: Parenting is an ever-evolving situation where you can’t be afraid to pivot. We make intentional choices based on what works for our family and children. Just because they have a TV, doesn’t mean they will become horrid feral children with the reading skills of a third grader for lyfe. Promise.
I’ll wrap it up with a few things I’d tell myself now:
• You have time.
Lots of it. Let go of the outside pressures and embrace where you are when you are. It’s okay to co-sleep. It’s okay to bend “the rules” when they apply. And to be honest, your kids will be more flexible and giving for it. They’ve learned boundaries and consideration for their siblings and how to live together. Don’t get me wrong… they argue. But I think the key is healthy discussion and the ability to resolve conflicts. Life skills. They’ll also be really well prepared for roommates, in the future. I can’t tell you how great they’ve been because they’ve been “forced” into these situations. OH THE ANGUISH! And oh the memories.
• Start with something you love.
See our loft idea above. It all started, because we were having fun with it. Maybe it’s a pattern you’ve fallen in love with or a simple color. Let that inspire the rest! It’s good to let them be a part of the process and have fun. I chose classic fabrics that have grown with them, which also pair well with other things the more they grow. They’ve accessorized well, over time with their own things. See: fish and tvs and giant stuffed animals that take up half the room because YOYO. {The Y stands for young. I’m not sure if that’s a thing.}
Hindsight is 20/20, but these are the days you’ll look back on fondly. I freaked out over so many things. Sharing spaces truly is the best, and we have zero regrets. Things always have a way of working themselves out.
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Okay guys, we’ve shared the good, the bad, the ugly and we want to hear from you. Have your kids shared a space? What worked for them? It’s fun to go against the status quo and we have zero regrets!
Have an inspired day!
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