We celebrated nineteen years of marriage on the 10th of August. This time every year, I get a little sentimental about everything, and I guess it’s the timing of it all. One minute I’m that cute girl in college skipping class to go lay out by the pool with her friends… and the next, we have grey hair and chest wrinkles and a collective amount of insomnia.
I feel like people who have walked this road before me, tried to warn me. But I legit thought it was just things that ‘old’ people said to make themselves feel better. Now I’m the ‘old’ person. And I totally thought anything past 40 was old, so karma. Also, I’m instituting a “sorry for all the stupid things I said when I was young” blanket policy before we move on.
Also, chances of being killed by Rigby are low, but never zero. What is this face?!
Then, there’s something about the kids beginning new grades every year that I want to drag my feet about, because it means they’re growing up. Time stand still. Our oldest is a driver now. Our middle thinks Lulu Lemon is cool, and the youngest says things like “BRAH” to his friends when he’s playing video games. Bonus: He’s not too cool to hug us just yet.
Everything in transition can be hard. And then just downright emotional when you mix it in with the crazy, everyday stuff. Lightning struck our house {or near it? We still don’t know what happened} and blew out the washer mid-cycle, frying the motherboard {mothership?} or whatever it’s called, leaving clothes in the front loader. Yes, we’ve plugged it in and unplugged it and we can’t get the door open because it’s locked permanently and that was a great design said no one ever. Our dog tore her ACL so that’s gonna be fun, and oh, I broke my toe. We’re exhausted from work and parenting and it’s just a season. The world has bigger problems but feels like it just might be burning down around us, but I’m wavering between total exhaustion + sentimental sessions in front of the TV binging their baby videos whilst eating my feelings.
Life is full of ups and downs. I’m just reminded, in times like these when all the feelings are coming our way, that our family is what matters.
The song “Cowboy Take Me Away” played the other day, but I can’t seem to get past the lyrics. Once swoon-worthy whilst belting it out with friends in the car, worry-free with the windows down on spring break, now they irritate me.
…I wanna sleep on the hard ground a mattress that doesn’t hurt my back
In the comfort of your arms Don’t touch me and stop snoring
In a blanket made of stars I’m getting my own blanket, no longer sharing
Oh, it sounds good to me
I said, Cowboy take me away to a good school system…
Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue Find a good neighborhood close to a grocery store
….It keeps going but I won’t bore you. I like my lyrics better. They just have a more practical, middle-aged, real-life ring to them. I know. It’s a good song. I won’t come for it, completely. But it did get me thinking… if we could tell ourselves some things nineteen years ago before taking the plunge, what would they be? We were just two kids crazy in love, who wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Love is a drug, and no one could tell us any differently. And now it all kind of feels like a blur. Fast forward nearly two decades later, and we’re just lucky it worked out for us to grow together. It’s hard work.
beautiful photography by light by iris
Here are 22 things we’d say to our past selves, if we could. {Some of these, we’ll always be working on.. why 22? It’s our number.}
1. Go to bed.
That thing about never going to bed angry is stupid. Maybe it works for Mave and Carl, the precious older couple who wrote it on the cookie sheet before bestowing it to you at that wedding shower. Mave also thinks that you should cook for Jamin, so not all advice is for you. You become a belligerent sleep zombie, need at least nine hours, and will have to call a time out until you can have a fresh outlook on the day. Then remember that it really won’t matter in three months, let alone five years. You’re good. Staying up only makes the fight worse. Promise. Go to sleep.
2. This isn’t Mad Men.
Speaking of roles, yours are going to look a little different. Don’t feel guilty when you want to express yourself creatively in an outlet after being home with three kiddos. And don’t feel guilty for building a business once you figure out what that passion is, and letting him cook because he enjoys that. Those roles will swap several times. You can do great things together, so switch it around. Just because it was modeled one way, doesn’t make it the only way or the correct way. It’s about teamwork.
3. This is work.
You won’t know what that means until you’re tired of hearing him chew, or her complain endlessly about her post-baby body. Make an effort with each other. It takes a lot.
4. It’s you two together, vs. the world.
That’s it. Someone should have told you that, sooner. And that involves a lot of trust, and willingness to work together. That means stop listening to other people’s opinions about what they think you should do (even if they mean well).
5. Romance isn’t dead after kids.
It just gets better. And then sometimes you eat too much and fall asleep after binge-watching Netflix. It’s called balance, so don’t be so hard on yourselves either, since life can be so exhausting. It helps to go back to the place where you began, and remember what makes the other person so appealing.
6. Appreciate the other person for who they are, now.
People change, and you’re going to change. You’ll be married to several different people throughout your marriage, the important part is to be open to the other person, meeting them where they are. Not where they were.
7. Learn about yourself.
Do a deep dive into both of your personalities, and what makes you, you. Then learn about the other person. It can give you invaluable tools in working together in a way that you can only learn about after years of being together. When you know the other person’s motivation, it can illuminate a whole new world of connection. Also, your partner knows you pretty well and loves you, listen to their perspective on you and your family of origin. {Ps. It helps to read a book, instead of taking a test. This one too. Learn about all the numbers.}
8. Love Languages.
While we’re on that topic, understanding each other’s love languages will help, too. Ps. They have it for kids!
9. Grace
with each other, goes a long way. Try it.
10. It’s okay to be vulnerable.
In fact, it’s essential.
11. Laugh.
Humor is your common ground. It’s your family’s strength alongside open conversation. Revel in that.
12. Wellness checks.
Your marriage doesn’t have to be in crisis to go in for a wellness check. There are always things you can work on.
13. Make dating each other a priority.
And, here’s the hard part… don’t talk about work when you’re out. That’s going to get really tricky running a business together. Boundaries are important. Turn it off.
14. Bids.
Learn to look for, and pay attention to bids from your partner. They mean something.
15. No dirty arguing.
Try really hard not to lose your cool. It’s okay to have disagreements and hash it out. Your partner is your safe place, but it doesn’t make them your verbal punching bag. That means no throwing grenades and walking away. Just don’t. It’s a dirty argument tactic.
16. It’s okay for the kids to see you argue.
Just make sure it’s arguing in a healthy way. And when you do, make sure they see you make amends in a healthy way, too. Don’t be afraid to discuss it with them. Model being vulnerable to them, so that they know what a real relationship looks like.
17. Don’t be dismissive
of the other person’s perspective. Be aware of the four horsemen… it’s a thing.
18. Learn from your disagreements
instead of continually circling in on themes. The themes will always be there – they’re narratives that we all write – but the important part is learning from them.
19. Boundaries.
You’ll go through several divorces alongside your friends. It sucks. You can’t save their marriage for them, so don’t take that on yourself. And don’t judge. Just be there for them. But also recognize when it becomes a strain on your own marriage because that can also happen if you’re not careful. Boundaries exist for a reason, and sometimes that means protecting your own relationship.
Boundaries, part deux.
Boundaries are so essential they deserve two bullet points. Things will creep in on you and your family’s health, so don’t be afraid to take breaks, whether it is things, activities, or extended family. You’ll be better off for it.
20. Stick with your gut.
Anything that makes you feel weird, is giving you that feeling for a reason. This applies to so many things individually in life, and in your own marriage. You’ll know as it comes, but in the world, with people, with life, even with things like religion… Stick to your gut.
21. Kiss each other more.
I know you don’t believe that will be an issue in the future, but it can be, when you’re busy doing life. Make affection and physical touch a priority.
22. Appreciate the beauty of growing old together.
It’s happening. Whether you like it or not, you’re both not as perky as you used to be, but you’re also a wiser, more grounded couple. It just gets better. And it’s in the little nuances of life that a healthy marriage becomes a beautiful place.
beautiful photography by light by iris
If we could travel back in time and tell ourselves some things… these would be it.
What are some words of wisdom that you have to share? We’d love to hear your perspective… we’re still learning in so many ways.
Have an inspired day!
I love your site. I am the same age as you. My husband and I celebrated 19 years of marriage last February. We have three kids, ages 17, 13, & 7. So I feel you! I totally relate with every blog you post about your personal life.
I really needed to read this today. Life can get so complicated and hard but if we just stop to take time to breath, we remember all of the little things that make life worth living. Please keep writing because I enjoy reading your blogs so much!
I almost didn’t hit publish because I just wasn’t really in the mood to feel vulnerable today. I guess I’m just tired, and the irony isn’t lost on me. Thank you so much for your sweet words, and congratulations on 19 years!
This is beautiful. Thank you so much for being real. You are a breath of fresh air.
I loved this post. My husband and I will celebrate 40 years of marriage the beginning of September. And I have to tell you, you are right on the money in the things you’ve said. One of the things I often tell newlyweds is that they need to be each other’s soft place to fall. The world will beat you up. Sometimes we even beat ourselves up. It’s important not to (emotionally) beat each other up, but to be each other’s place to go for comfort and encouragement and tenderness.
This is so true, Vi! Thank you for adding this. I love it. And congratulations on 40 years!